A Song of Grace & Fury

"Marika's tits!"

My eyes shot open as I jolted up, breathing heavily as I tried to make sense of my new surroundings.

A... forest, I was in a forest.

But the trees were smaller than what I was used to, more like the ones from Earth actually, and the forest floor was covered by all sorts of vegetation and small plants. I could see a peculiar bird eying me curiously, perched atop a branch on a small tree right beside me.

This feels oddly familiar.

Feels like I've been through this exact situation before.

"This isn't... Altus, is it?" 

Last thing I remember, I was dozing off with my back against a tree in Leyndell because my companion finally got enough of exploring every single random nook and cranny of the Lands Between and decided to do his fucking job like the Light of Grace was telling him to.

Wait, wait, I'm getting carried away.

Where's the little shit?

"Where the hell did you get off to now? No wonder everybody calls you loot goblins tarnished." I shouted out, startling the nearby avians and wildlife, "Come on out!"

...Moments passed in complete silence, and I realised my companion wasn't with me.

This was odd... The kid never left my side for too long, and was usually within earshot, came running back with whatever new thing caught his eye as soon as I called.

And you know what? This situation feels REALLY familiar.

I put a hand to my jaw, narrowing my eyes.

Yes, I'm still sitting on the forest floor, it's comfy and I'm used to it.

"Wait, I remember this... Fuck."

This is the same goddamn thing that happened when I went from being a university student to a rando in The Lands Between... I'd woken up in a forest.

"No, come on! Not again!" I shouted indignantly at the powers that be, clenching my fists.

Last time, I was about to graduate and land a good job at a place my friend's dad owned.

This time, I was about to get rich and live away my days like the hedonist I want to be after my 'companion' became Elden Lord...

I swear to God if I find the one behind this, I'm gonna eat him alive.

I will make roasted motherfucker out of that motherfucker and then eat him.

...Why can't I get the good stuff?

I spent MILLENNIA in that place, trying to claw my way to the top after millions of deaths to soldiers, demigods, actual gods, poisonous swamps and rats... the fucking rats...

Supporting a new Elden Lord was supposed to be my ticket to an easy life, it would mean he'd have to manage the vast lands while I'd get a ton of stuff for my 'efforts' and spend my days lounging around.

Man... I even had to eat hearts for my power... well dragon hearts but that doesn't make it any less disgusting... especially cause dragon hearts had stone in them.

And now, now you're telling me I'm getting dropped in a new world entirely so close to my dream?

You think I'm being ungrateful?

You try being rotted inside out over a hundred times by Malenia, the BLaDE oF MIqueLlA.

Or getting ripped apart by bears... or being sheared by some masochist Outer God.

Or rats, fuck the rats.

I took a deep breath to calm my racing thoughts and slapped my cheeks, "Maybe it won't be so bad this time?"

Oh who am I kidding?

Considering my luck, I'm probably outside Lothric right now.

With a sigh, I forced myself to stand and look around again.

Well, it won't be as bad as last time at least... I can still feel the power I've amassed by gorging on the hearts of the dragons.

No, I'm not exaggerating.

The dragons were like Gods before Queen Marika came in with her Golden Order.

The hearts of certain Ancient Dragons did a lot for me.

They told me not to try it but I did, sure it got me branded a traitor to the cause or whatever but it was totally worth it.

10/10, would do it again.

With another deep breath, I slowly started walking through the forest I'd found myself in.

I need to find out where I am.

A few minutes of walking saw me come across a subdued pond surrounded by trees and foliage on all sides, the water was clear enough to reflect the blue sky but had enough moss on the rocks under it to have a slightly green tint.

Bacteria and the like shouldn't have any effect on my system so I just gave a small shrug and crouched, taking a handful of the water to wash my face.

I was thinking about drinking but there's a fair chance something pissed in it.

...It's happened before, regrettably.

Wait, what about washing my face with it then?

L...Let's just forget I did that.

Feeling the cold water against my skin helped me calm down considerably, and I took in my appearance for the first time in quite some time.

Shimmering golden eyes with draconic pupils courtesy of the sheer amount of dragons I've 'eaten', rough but mostly fair skin, and platinum blonde hair in a buzz cut... I had it long before but Lord Godfrey grabbed me by it and used me like a hammer against the ground so it had to go.

...I was wearing tattered robes that just didn't sit right with me and there was no weapon on me, not even a seal.

Well, I stopped using seals a long time ago after I learnt to channel my draconic power without them but it'd be nice to have the halberd I pried off some dead knight... sad... it was a faithful weapon.

"Ugh... could've at least given me my shit... or a system or something."

Maybe it wouldn't have taken me THOUSANDS of years to get strong enough to matter if I had one.

I was... averagely tall.

About 6'3, which was cool by Earth standards, but was barely enough to not make me qualify as a midget in the Lands Between.

But enough about how I look like a murder hobo that dies to give the main character some development.

I groaned and started walking again.

-

So, update, I found someone, a human, but I'm pretty sure I'm not getting any help with my whereabouts from him... considering he's been run through by a boar.

I've always hated those things.

"Well... you've definitely seen better days." I spoke neutrally as I walked up to him, "Who am I kidding? A boar made sweet love to your stomach with the business end of it's tusks."

"Pft-..." He chortled at my words but stopped short, grunting in pain, "Shut the fuck u-p, it's painful enough already."

I raised my hands in surrender, "Fair enough. So, what brings you to this part of the woods?"

He looked at me through confused eyes, "Don't you know who I am? I'm the b-bloody... King of the Seven Kingdoms."

"To me you look like the King of the Kitchen, bane of food supplies." I crouched down, studying his wounds as he chuckled.

He was a fat fuck, but I'm pretty sure that worked to his benefit, "Ah what the hell, t..this is better than those cocksuckers at the... Red Keep."

I'm beginning to think this might actually be a king... Finally, some good RNG.

"So uh, do you want me to help?" I offered cautiously, studying his face.

He had long black hair and a thick beard that went down past his man tits, the greying streaks told me he was old... though not nearly as old as me, "No, I-I want you to suck my cock. What in the seven fucking hells do you think I want you to do?"

...He's feisty.

I grabbed the dead boar by it's head and pulled it away, tossing it to a nearby tree under the shocked gaze of the self-proclaimed king. Then I grabbed my sleeve and tore it off, wrapping it around the fat fucker's stomach as makeshift bandage.

"Gods, you're strong."

...It's probably dirty as hell but he'll bleed out if I don't.

Of course it's just my luck that I was halfway through when my ears caught the sound of multiple footsteps, "...Great."

I turned my head to spot one old and two young men.

The older one in golden armour drew his sword with wide eyes, "Step away from the King this instant."

"...What have you done?" One of the two younger men asked me in shock.

A supposed king with a massive wound in his stomach, a complete stranger next to him with bloody hands and clothes in the middle of bumfuck nowhere.

This is just great.

"Would you believe me if I said I'm trying to help?"

My question was answered by a blade against my neck.

...I want a fucking refund.

"S…top, you dumb… cunts."

-

How'd it turn out?