Ball-Boy Tactics

I looked around, trying to hide my panic, hoping to find someone who could help. Fortunately, Kim Hyoseok wasn’t far off. I decided to deny everything and leave the scene. Since I was wearing glasses, they probably weren’t certain I was Han Jiwon yet.“…I’m not….”“Aah! It is you!! Right? Just by your mouth and jawline, I knew you were Han Jiwon! Oh, I’m such a huge fan. This is such an honor!”Contrary to my expectations, they recognized me right away. They loudly declared their fandom while calling out my name. Though I appreciated it, I wished they could keep it down a bit. Other passersby started to take notice.“I’m so in shock right now. Could we take a quick photo together?”“I’m sorry….”“Please, just one picture? I won’t post it online, I swear. Please!”“…I’m really sorry….”I barely managed to reply in a quiet voice and started to pack my things. People were beginning to gather around, and I felt I needed to leave quickly.Even though my hat shielded my view, I could feel the many eyes on me like they were touching my bare skin. As I heard my name being mentioned more and more, the murmurs around me grew louder. No one was being rude, but my anxiety made my hands move faster.I knew it was right to give back as much as I was loved, but I always ended up acting so cowardly like this.It terrified me that people knew every detail about my darkest times, yet I knew nothing about them. I understood that taking a quick picture wasn’t hard, but this foolish heart of mine just couldn’t follow through.At that moment, I missed Kwon Jungwoo terribly.I desperately wished he would suddenly appear and disperse the crowd. For him, this wouldn’t be a big deal. What would Kwon Jungwoo do in this situation? I wanted to emulate him, but all I could think of was running away.“Then, could you at least sign something for me?”Just as I was about to reach for the coffee cup sitting on the wall, someone’s voice asking for an autograph startled me. I accidentally knocked over the takeout coffee, and it looked like it was about to tumble off the wall, but I managed to catch it just in time.However, in my rush to save the coffee, I completely forgot about the phone sitting next to it.Crack. Thud, thud, thud—.The phone fell cleanly from the wall and hit the concrete floor with a heavy thud, rolling a few times.People around me gasped. The sound of it hitting the ground must’ve been alarming to them as well.“……”Feeling a sense of dread, I picked up the fallen phone.When I turned it over, the screen was completely shattered, with cracks spreading everywhere in chaotic patterns. The screen was so badly broken that it felt like glass dust was rubbing off on my fingers.“Hyung! Over here. Let’s go this way.”Kim Hyoseok pushed through the crowd and grabbed my arm, pulling me away. Even as I followed him, all I could do was stare down at the phone. I didn’t need to check to know it was beyond repair. The thought of not being able to contact Kwon Jungwoo for a while made me incredibly upset.***As soon as we arrived at the restaurant, I borrowed Kim Hyoseok’s phone. I stepped outside and called Kwon Jungwoo, thankful I had memorized his number.But reaching him wasn’t easy. After several unsuccessful attempts, I ended up sending a message.[Jungwoo, it’s Han Jiwon 😭]Not long after I hit send, Kwon Jungwoo called me back.— Did something happen? Whose phone is this?His voice was filled with concern as soon as he spoke. Just hearing him say a single word made my headache and frustration melt away.I realized then: I couldn’t be without this man. As I explained what had just happened, I became even more aware of it.He didn’t interrupt, only responding occasionally with a quiet “yeah” or “mm-hmm.” As soon as I finished explaining, he asked:— So, did you just leave it?“I grabbed it! I was worried I’d cut my hand, so I wrapped it in some tissues and put it in my bag.”— No, I meant the people. The ones who startled you.“Oh. Well….”Since I was the one who got startled and dropped it, it didn’t seem right to blame them. They hadn’t tried to scare me on purpose….I trailed off, and I could hear a long sigh from the other end of the line. It was like he could see straight through me.— Ha…That’s it. You should just hire me as your personal bodyguard. You know I’m great at blocking, right? I’ll give you a good deal—let’s sign a lifetime contract.“…Should I?”— Once you sign, you won’t be able to back out, so think carefully. If you agree, I’ll throw in a special offer: a free “Kwon Jungwoo intimidates bullies” service.“Hmm, wouldn’t that be a bad deal for you?”— What do you mean bad? Getting to serve you for life? There’s no better deal than that.His shamelessness finally made me burst out laughing. I joked that his sense of humor had improved since we last met, and Kwon Jungwoo laughed too, adding, “I wasn’t joking.” The way he said it made me laugh even harder.“Thanks, Jungwoo. I’ve been feeling so down, but you’ve really cheered me up.”— There’s no reason for you to feel down. Those people are lucky I wasn’t there.“Yikes, that’s scary.”As the lighthearted atmosphere continued, Kwon Jungwoo casually asked a question.— By the way, whose phone is this?“Oh, it’s Hyoseok’s phone. I asked to borrow it, and he even gave me the passcode. I’ll use it to call you again later when I’m heading home. If anything comes up, you can call this number too!”— Oh, so you met him again today?“Yeah. Hyoseok comes out here every day like I do. The more I see him, the more I realize he’s a diligent and decent guy. I’m glad we’re working together. He even helped me get out of that crowd earlier.”— You’re just eating and then heading straight home, right?“Yeah, but Hyoseok lives in the same direction as me, so we’ll probably hang out for a bit longer. He’s still living in his studio apartment, just like I am.”— That kid… I mean, why hasn’t he gone back home during break? Did his family disown him or something?“Well, like me, he lives far from home, and I guess his studio is more comfortable for him. But it looks like the group might go out for round two, so I might end up going home alone…. Or maybe I should just stay out a little longer? If I’m alone, I won’t be able to keep in touch with you.”I thought it was a good idea and asked for his opinion. I could contact him from my laptop at home, but by the time I got back, it would be late. It seemed better to stay with Kim Hyoseok a little longer and keep in touch with him. I expected Kwon Jungwoo to agree.But his immediate response surprised me.— No, you should go home, Jiwon. As soon as you’re done eating, head back. It’s dangerous to stay out late these days.“Oh, I wasn’t planning on staying out that late. Just an hour or two more!”— No. Go home. Tell Hyoseok to go for round two without you, and get home as early as possible. You haven’t been sleeping well lately, so you need to rest and recharge.“But who knows when we’ll be able to talk again….”— You’re going to get it repaired tomorrow, right?“Yeah, but the repair center’s far, so I won’t be able to take it in until tomorrow afternoon. And even then, I’m not sure if they can fix it right away. People are saying it could take a few days.”— ….Kwon Jungwoo was silent for a moment. I was starting to feel a little hurt, thinking his insistence that I go home meant he didn’t care if we couldn’t talk. But realizing he hadn’t expected the repair to take several days, I softened. I expected him to change his mind and tell me to stay with my friends for a while longer.But his next words caught me completely off guard.— Jiwon, does Hyoseok have a girlfriend?“Hyoseok?”— Yeah.Confused by the sudden shift, I asked again, and Kwon Jungwoo answered with emphasis. The abrupt change in topic left me struggling to follow along.I was taken aback by the sudden topic and asked for clarification, to which Kwon Jungwoo replied emphatically. It was difficult to keep up with the sudden shift in conversation.So, was that the end of the previous topic? I wondered how he knew that Kim Hyoseok had a girlfriend. Oh, I think we talked about it when we bumped into each other at the library…“Um, I think they broke up not long ago.”— Why?“Why, you ask? Uh…”It was strange that Kwon Jungwoo suddenly took an interest in Kim Hyoseok’s love life, and I found it hard to speak.Since Kim Hyoseok is the type to chatter endlessly, I had picked up on the reason for their breakup, but I hesitated about whether I should really share it. It felt awkward discussing personal matters, but luckily Kwon Jungwoo changed the subject.— No, it’s fine. So, where are you going to eat? Is it a group outing?“Yeah. We just came to eat grilled fish together. What did you eat today?”— I had rice. Jiwon, just in case you don’t know, don’t misunderstand what I’m about to say.Kwon Jungwoo gave a vague answer to my question and then tried to change the subject again. His unpredictable train of thought made me feel frustrated, as if something was stuck in my throat.“Uh… what is it?”— Could you take a photo of the restaurant sign and send it to me? I’m not suspecting you or anything; I’m just anxious about what might happen.“The sign photo…? If you’re curious about the name, I’ll read it to you. It’s ‘Jo Eundong Narae Restaurant’.”— Okay. Got it, so just send me a photo. It might be hard to contact you later, so it’s better to know your whereabouts for sure. You understand what I mean?Kwon Jungwoo’s tone was kind and affectionate. I never thought he was suspicious of me. I had no reason to lie about my dinner menu or my location.“Okay. I’ll do it.”— Again, don’t misunderstand. Send it right after we hang up.“I know you’re worried, but what is there to misunderstand? Okay, I’ll send it right away!”— Jiwon.Just as I was about to finish the call with a task assigned, Kwon Jungwoo called my name softly.It was strange. Every time Kwon Jungwoo said my name, a sense of anxiety washed over me. The fact that I couldn’t grasp his thoughts made me quite nervous. Without realizing it, I bit my lip.“Uh…?”— I miss you.The sweet tone that came through amidst my tension tore through my defenses. I felt a rush of emotion, releasing the lip I had been biting. For some reason, I thought he was going to say something hard to hear. It seemed like there were several calls that ended with hurt feelings during our time apart.It’s natural that I, who love him more, would be more sensitive, but perhaps it was due to the physical exhaustion I had been feeling lately. Today, it was especially tiring to gauge his mood.“Jungwoo, I miss you too.”With that, our call ended warmly. I took a photo of the restaurant sign as Kwon Jungwoo asked and sent it. I thoroughly deleted the message history and call logs from my phone. Ever since Kwon Jungwoo found out about my search history, I had become much more meticulous.Still, the last conversation was filled with affection, and overall, the memory of the call left a positive impression. I couldn’t help but recall Kwon Jungwoo’s joke about hiring me, which made me chuckle.Even though I had broken my phone, my mood hadn’t plummeted, thanks to Kwon Jungwoo reassuring me that he was on my side today.The guys in my class loved to drink. Even while eating grilled fish with rice, they mixed soju and beer, which made our meal time a bit longer.I didn’t drink since I had a long way to go home. Every time I filled my beer glass with soda, my classmates laughed.“Hey, isn’t that your second bottle of cider? At this rate, you might burst!”“Yeah. I’m so full now that it’s getting a bit tough. Should we start wrapping things up?”“Huh? Is there something urgent? It’s not even eight yet; we can take our time. We still have a lot of steamed eggs left.”“Well, I think I should head out first. I need to go to the repair center early tomorrow because my phone is broken. As you guys know, there isn’t one near the school.”“Oh, right. Your phone is broken, right? Is it closed now?”“It is. Well then, guys, enjoy your meal. I’ll cover what we’ve eaten up to now and head out.”“Hyung! Just try to pay. We’re covering yours today, so don’t even think about touching your wallet, seriously.”“Jiwon, instead of going, there’s a repair center nearby; how about just staying at a PC room overnight? Since you have to go far in the morning anyway, wouldn’t that be better?”“Oh, that’s really smart! That’s right! If we organize some data and edit photos, the time will fly by, and it’ll probably be morning before we know it.”My classmates chimed in, agreeing that it was a good idea. Even though it sounded absurd, I silently listened since it was a suggestion for my benefit.I had never thought about pulling an all-nighter at a PC room, nor did I want to. The sight of Byun Seungjin and Yang Eunoh, who had pulled an all-nighter at a PC room before, flashed in my mind. It would be better to just make the long trip back and forth than waste time in a cramped, chaotic space.Since it was a suggestion that didn’t appeal to me at all, I was going to refuse. If it hadn’t been for Kim Hyoseok’s last-minute proposal, I would have stood up immediately.“Hyung, if you’re staying at the PC room overnight, we’ll stay with you! What about you guys? This tier-high guy can give you a ride on the bus, right?”With Kim Hyoseok’s words, my classmates suddenly became noisy.The conversation flowed effortlessly into games, and I was too busy preparing to stand up while emptying my glass in front of me. The mountain of steamed eggs was gone in just three spoonfuls.I found myself tempted by his suggestion, fiddling with my cider glass. Kim Hyoseok said he would go with me to the PC room. No, to be precise, I was concerned about Kim Hyoseok’s phone. If we spent the night together, I could contact Kwon Jungwoo before he fell asleep, which made the offer very enticing.I think Kim Hyoseok noticed that I was almost swayed. There was a smile in his voice when he added something as if he knew everything.“We’re going together, right? You can contact my girlfriend on my phone. That’s better than not being able to reach her all night.”“What? No, she’s not my girlfriend. She’s just a close friend… I need to contact her about something.”“Oh, come on. I saw you call and report as soon as you got here, and you even took a picture of the sign. You call her a friend? Then it sounds even more serious. You’re not even dating yet, and it seems like you’re obsessed with your friend.”“It’s not obsession; I’m just worried a lot. …But Hyoseok, are you sure it’s okay to use your phone?”“Oh, just keep it. I don’t have a girlfriend to obsess over anyway.”“Then… thank you.”I took Kim Hyoseok’s phone without refusing. Holding a working phone in my hand made me feel suddenly at ease. On the outside, I looked just like a typical smartphone addict.***The PC room we went to with my classmates was in the building across from the restaurant.Right before entering the PC room, I took a photo of the sign and sent it to Kwon Jungwoo. I had sent it ahead of time so he wouldn’t have to ask for it awkwardly.“Jungwoo, I’m at the PC room. There happens to be a repair center nearby, so I plan to stay here overnight and go there when it opens tomorrow, haha. Hyoseok is lending me his phone, so I think I can text you until you fall asleep!”It wasn’t long after sending the message that I received a call from Kwon Jungwoo. As soon as I sat down, my phone rang, and I quickly dashed back out of the PC room.“Hello?”— Where are you?His voice on the other end was calm. It may have felt even quieter because of the bustling area around me.“I stepped out for a moment to take your call. I’m right outside the PC café. Did you see the picture I sent?”— Jiwon, why didn’t you listen? I told you to go straight inside.“Yeah, but it’s not even eight o’clock yet… And I’m just going to be inside the whole time, so there’s nothing to worry about, Jungwoo.”— You’re the one getting your phone fixed, so why is Hyoseok staying with you all night? Did he tell you not to go home?“Hyoseok? No, it’s nothing like that. We were just talking, and it turned out this way. Plus, it’s not like I’m staying up all night for no reason—”I began listing off the advantages of staying overnight at the PC café. I emphasized how I’d finally have time to organize and edit photos that I hadn’t been able to because of exhaustion at home, and most importantly, I could stay on the phone with him this late.I didn’t mention how the café was dimly lit and a bit stuffy. Without realizing it, I was only pointing out the positive aspects to Jungwoo.“And actually, it wasn’t as crowded as I thought. Everyone was just focused on their screens and didn’t seem to care about me. So really, you don’t have to worry.”— …….“Jungwoo, are you… mad at me?”His voice, low and tired, came in response to my careful question.— Mad? No, I’m not mad. You’re planning to work all night, so who am I to be mad at you? But, Jiwon…He paused, as if he didn’t want to continue. I heard him take a long breath before he spoke again.— The only downside of being with you… is that, whether it’s a guy or a girl, I can’t stop thinking about who you’re with.The word “downside” hit me like the sky was falling. At that moment, I realized that Jungwoo was uncomfortable with Hyoseok.Though Hyoseok was playful, he was kind and loyal. Some people used to walk around with me and flaunt my popularity, but not him. Sure, he was affectionate, sometimes even putting his arm around me, but that was just his personality—he was like that with everyone.There was zero chance, or rather, negative billions, that I would ever feel anything more than friendship for Hyoseok. It was an absolute fact that didn’t even need to be stated. In my entire life, the only person who had ever made my heart race was Kwon Jungwoo.So I wanted to tell Jungwoo not to waste his time worrying about Hyoseok. I wanted to counter the idea that there was any downside to our relationship.In my urgency, it felt like I was trying to patch up a cracked wall with makeshift cement.“Jungwoo, if it’s because of Hyoseok, you really don’t need to worry. He’s just a friend, and you know that—”— I feel the same way.“Huh?”— I’m just a friend in front of your friends too. Just a close friend.His voice was steady, but there was no warmth. Jungwoo had always been straightforward, but now he sounded exhausted.Maybe that’s why.I felt like I was being backed into a corner. Normally, I would have apologized and moved on, but today I felt suffocated. Maybe it was the emotional toll of breaking my phone earlier, or maybe it was the lack of sleep lately.Suddenly, I felt incredibly drained and lost for words. All that came out was an empty sound: “Ah….” What was it that Jungwoo wanted from me? My mind went blank as if it had overloaded. All I knew for sure was that I’d upset him again, that I had somehow done something wrong. I wanted to make him happy, but I kept making things worse.Feeling overwhelmed and defeated, I spoke without thinking.“Yeah… If we were really just friends, you wouldn’t be upset like this… and I wouldn’t care who you were seeing or what people were saying about you. Right?”— Don’t say things you don’t mean.“It’s not like it’s completely untrue. Jungwoo, the truth is… I keep imagining us breaking up.”— …….“I’m scared every day that you’re going to tell me it’s over, and I can’t even sleep at night. When I do sleep, I dream of you telling me we should just be friends, and in the dream, I beg for your forgiveness. So, Jungwoo, what do you want from me? Do you want us to go public with our relationship? Or should I just go around by myself from now on? If that would fix the ‘one downside,’ then I’ll do it.”“If that’s really what you want, I can do it. I could even meet someone else to learn how to date, if that’s what you want, Jungwoo.”— Han Jiwon.“Sometimes I regret not meeting other people before I met you. I wish you weren’t my first relationship. I wish I hadn’t given you all my firsts. Maybe then, I could’ve treated you better. Maybe I wouldn’t have made you feel insecure.”— …“As time goes on, I don’t know why I feel more and more drained. I wanted to be someone strong for you, like you are for me, but I’m sorry. It must have been hard for you too, going from dating girls to suddenly dating a guy. It’s all my fault. I’m sorry, Jungwoo.”I didn’t even know what I was saying anymore, I was rambling nonsensically. My train of thought was messier than poorly smeared cement. The only thing I was sure of was that the more honest I became, the more I seemed to disappoint Kwon Jungwoo.The alley next to the PC bang was dark and shadowy at every corner. In that condensed darkness, I suddenly remembered a mistake I made as a kid. The embarrassed smile I gave the head teacher after falling clumsily, and how he used to laugh so hard at me. His smile was wide, but his eyes were cold. I think even back then I instinctively knew that our relationship had taken a wrong turn. Maybe this memory resurfaced now because I was feeling that same unease in the silence with Kwon Jungwoo. When did things between us start to go so wrong?After pouring out my tangled emotions, all I felt was exhaustion. Kwon Jungwoo was already in a bad mood, and instead of soothing him, I’d gone and unleashed all my hidden insecurities. What a disaster.The more I spent time with Kwon Jungwoo, the more I realized how small my capacity was compared to him. Each day, I became more aware that my cup was too small to hold all of him.A moment later, his voice came through the phone, cold and distant.— I think we should end this call. Let’s talk about this in person.“…End the call?”— I don’t want to have this kind of conversation over the phone. I’m hanging up.Kwon Jungwoo ended the call abruptly, almost harshly. As soon as the sound cut off from the other end, I collapsed where I stood. I felt too hopeless to even remain standing.I knew this would happen. Letting my true feelings slip out was a mistake. Of course Kwon Jungwoo was bothered by Kim Hyoseok—it was natural for him to feel that way as my boyfriend. But I’d been too defensive. I shouldn’t have been so blunt. If I had just kept quiet a little longer, if I’d been more patient, this wouldn’t have been so hard.I thought my insides were at least as big as a soy sauce dish, but apparently, they weren’t even the size of a bottle cap. I hated myself for being so narrow and for not being able to hide it.So, does this mean Kwon Jungwoo won’t reach out tonight? I kind of hope he doesn’t. If he does, I’m scared he’ll tell me he wants to break up.“What am I going to do…”I stared at the ground for a long time before heading back into the PC bang.Thankfully, the lights inside were dim. I pulled my hat down over my eyes to hide my expression as I sat back at my seat. Kim Hyoseok, who was lost in his game next to me, didn’t even notice when I placed his phone back on the table.Even though I was surrounded by my friends, I felt completely alone. I suddenly remembered the message Kwon Jungwoo had sent me not too long ago, calling himself a loner. Maybe this is how he felt back then. As I connected my memory card to the computer and looked at the photos I took today, I felt like crying.What would I do if he broke up with me? I don’t think we could go back to being friends. What should I do? Why couldn’t I have been born as a leech? If I could borrow a future life, I’d want to come back as one of Kwon Jungwoo’s eyelashes.If Kwon Jungwoo reached out to me, what would I say first? Should I start apologizing so quickly that he wouldn’t even have a chance to tell me he wants to break up? I’m already ready to beg for forgiveness.Even as I looked at the photos, my mind was consumed by Kwon Jungwoo. I tried to pull myself together, moving my mouse without purpose. The photos I’d worked so hard to take didn’t feel satisfactory at all. I wished they weren’t meaningless landscape shots, but photos of Kwon Jungwoo instead.I imagined offering to break up if he’d hire me as his personal photographer. If I told him I’d serve him like a master, what would he say? He’d probably scoff and dismiss me, but it couldn’t hurt to ask.I kept sorting through the photos, as if to escape. Out of the thousands of photos I’d taken today, I deleted over half without hesitation. As I went through them, I kept thinking about how things were good with Kwon Jungwoo when I took them, which made it hard to breathe.Thinking about it now, we were polar opposites from the start.When I got injured, I gave up on gymnastics, while Kwon Jungwoo never quit basketball, no matter what. With that fundamental difference, it was no wonder we were having friction. Maybe I should bring that up and suggest we try to get through this smoothly. I could tell him that unlike gymnastics, I don’t want to give up on him so easily.“Ah…”I scratched the inside of my wrist, noticing a bright red mark forming in a circle. Looks like I got a mosquito bite without realizing it. The raised bump stood out even more against my pale skin. I kept scratching nervously as I checked the time at the bottom of the monitor.Maybe I should just go home.It had been three hours since I arrived at the PC bang, but it was still only 11 PM. I had at least ten more hours to get through, but I was already bored and tired. Without being able to talk to Kwon Jungwoo, there was no point in staying up all night.I had planned to work on my projects, but that was a mess too. There were no editing programs installed at the PC bang, and I couldn’t focus enough to organize my files properly—I only managed to get through a day’s worth of work. I was already feeling distracted, and the noisy game BGM didn’t help at all.If I was going to go home, it made the most sense to catch the last train now. I packed up my memory card, camera, and bag. My eyes stung from staring at the bright monitor for too long while wearing my hat pulled low.My friends were still engrossed in their games, completely oblivious to me shutting down the computer. They were talking in gaming terms that I didn’t understand, but they looked very busy handling their missions.I was just about to say goodbye quietly to Kim Hyoseok when the sound of the door opening caught my attention.I didn’t turn around right away.But then, when I felt a cool draft, like a breeze had come in with the door, I suddenly remembered the gym lobby where the basketball players would rush in, bringing the fresh scent of spring with them. My heart started to race for no reason, and I turned my head as if being drawn by something.When I saw the man walking toward me, I couldn’t believe my eyes.It was someone who should be in Jeju right now. The same person who’d spoken as if he wouldn’t contact me for a while because he was upset—Kwon Jungwoo—was walking straight toward me.Even in his simple short sleeves and big sneakers, Kwon Jungwoo’s athletic presence was undeniable. His gaze was fixed solely on me as he approached, making me feel like prey spotted by a hawk. How did he find me in this far-off corner of the PC bang, especially when I wasn’t even wearing my bright yellow class jacket?“Uh, Jungwoo…”