Bi The Way

The night seemed to hold its breath as Parker and Rodney sat beneath the swaying branches of the willow tree. The question still lingered there as both wondered if they were or ever could be ok.

"Look, Parker," Rodney finally broke the silence, his voice barely above a whisper. "I should've told you about... about Ally and me." He scuffed his shoe against the grass, unwilling to meet Parker's gaze. "After you left at the dance, I was just... I was a mess, man. I wanted—needed—to feel something good, even for a second."

His hands clenched into fists, knuckles bone-white. "It was stupid and selfish. I guess I just wanted to forget how much it hurt, but... I never should have done it, it just screwed everything up." Rodney's voice cracked. "I am so sorry about the kiss, about making you feel like you had to come out, about everything I did." Rodney could feel the tears begin to stream down his red cheeks.

Parker's silence was deafening. Rodney glanced upwards and found those green eyes, the ones he had fallen in love with, they were locked on the ripples in the pond in front of them. Rodney could tell that Parker was thinking hard about what to say next—he braced himself for the response.

"Rodney," Parker said, at last, his gaze still locked on the pond. "When I heard about... about the kiss, I wanted to drink. I didn't want to have to think about it, I wanted to feel numb again and that scared the shit out of me." His tone was more serious, something Rodney couldn't remember hearing before. "But I didn't. When I got home I found my old skateboard. Snapped it clean in half."

He paused, swallowing hard. "I wasn't mad at you, I was mad at myself." Parker turned his body, fully facing Rodney now, the tears clearly building in the corners of his eyes. "I was selfish too, making you stay hidden just so I could be happy, I never thought about how that made you feel. And after ruining the dance for you, how could I blame you for kissing someone else?"

Rodney watched as the first tear escaped and slipped its way down Parker's cheek. It struck him in that moment that they both were hurting, they both felt guilty for how it all played out.

"You know I have replayed that night in my mind a lot," Parker said, his voice cracking, "Don't tell anyone else this but I didn't go to the camp by choice, it was kind of mandatory. When I got home I took my dad's keys and tried to drive back on my own, I needed to explain myself to you. I didn't make it far though, crashed it just down the street. Judge said the camp was the only way to ensure I didn't end up with a record."

Rodney's heart sank as he realized Parker was going back for him, while he was kissing Ally. He always thought Parker had left him—That he had ghosted him because he had done something wrong that night—but that night Parker had tried to come back to him and it cost him more than Rodney could imagine.

"What would you have said?" Rodney whispered he had to know how Parker really felt about him, "If you had made it back to me?"

Their eyes locked, and for a moment, Rodney felt the distance between them close, like he was seeing the real Parker for the first time. He felt hope, hope that they could at the very least be friends again.

"You know at camp one the counselors had a saying," Parker murmured, fiddling with the zipper on his jacket. "Be an arrow, not a boomerang. I thought it was dumb but I get it, it doesn't matter what I would have done if I had gone back to the dance. All that matters is what I can do now. And right now what I want is for us to be friends again."

Rodney's smile was hesitant, but it was genuine. "I would like that a lot," he said, all his worry about talking to Parker was finally lifting. "I've really missed you."

"I've missed you too." Parker seemed finally at ease. "And I am happy for you, I think you and Ally will be just fine. You really care about each other."

A twinge of guilt passed through Rodney, it felt so much harder with Ally than he thought it would be. He wasn't even sure if they would ever kiss again after the way he blew up on her at the bowling alley. "Can I walk you home?" Rodney asked, not wanting to dwell on Ally.

"I would like that," Parker replied, he had finally talked to Rodney, the thing he was fearing most. It went far better than he ever expected.

They stood up together, brushing off the fallen leaves from their jeans. They walked side by side, not touching, but their shadows merged on the pavement, as they walked beneath the lamps.

-----

Earlier that night, under the dim fluorescent lights of the public library, Derek sat alone at a polished wooden table littered with university booklets. His phone lay beside him, its screen dark with a small crack in the corner, awaiting a text from Rodney. He glanced over at the device and then back at the clock, Rodney was an hour late, and still no text, no sign of why he was late or even if he was still coming.

"Waiting for someone?" The voice cut through Derek's brooding, and he looked up to find Jordan standing over him.

"Rodney," Derek answered, his voice tight with anxiety. "We were supposed to go through these together." He gestured at the mountain of pamphlets.

"Mind if I take a look with you?" Jordan pulled out a chair and sat down without waiting for an answer, his presence a welcome distraction from the pressure Derek was feeling to choose.

"Sure," Derek sighed, trying to shake off his concern for Rodney. "Make yourself at home."

"Maybe he got caught up with something," Jordan suggested, not wanting to get Rodney into any trouble. "I am sure he'll be here as soon as he can, but hey you got me for now. Why don't you tell me what programs you are interested in, I love a good research project."

Derek nodded, grateful for the unexpected help. Together, they pored over the pages, Jordan's insightful questions about the cost of living and budgets making him consider aspects outside of just the program. It wasn't the same without Rodney, but it was enough for now.

-----

Rodney's sneakers scuffed against the pavement as he pushed his way through the crowd of students. He was desperate to catch up to Ally before school started, he had been practicing his apology all morning. Rodney followed her to her locker before he finally spoke.

"Hey," Rodney greeted, hoping Ally wouldn't ignore him completely after the way he lost it on her the night before.

"Rodney." Ally greeted him hesitantly, she seemed unsure of his intentions.

"I wanted to apologize to you about losing it last night," Rodney said, scratching the back of his neck. "I am really sorry about that, it wasn't fair for me to do that to you. It's just that the night of the dance Parker and I had a falling out and things between us were really awkward because I thought he wasn't returning my texts because of it."

"I didn't know that," Ally interjected, her eyes filling with realization. "I would have never told him about our weirdness if I knew the two of you were fighting and I definitely wouldn't have pushed so hard for you two to hang out."

Rodney felt terrible not telling Ally the whole truth about Parker but he knew the secrets Parker told him weren't his to share. "It isn't your fault, you didn't know any of it, I should have told you sooner,"

"Well know that I know, I can see why you were so upset," Ally said putting her hand on his shoulder. "Still I hope you two can work it out."

"Actually I bumped into him after I left. We talked and I think we are on the same page now," Rodney said with a smile. "We are good now. Honestly, I have you to thank for that, If you hadn't done what you did, I would still be avoiding him in the halls. So thank you, Ally."

"You're welcome," Ally breathed out, turning back to her locker. She began gathering her books for her first class. As she pulled the thick science textbook out from under all the others, a thoughtful look graced her face.

"Hey Rodney about the whole you and me thing," she said. "I have been thinking a lot about it. I don't regret kissing you, honestly, I liked it." She trailed off when she turned and met Rodney's gaze.

Rodney's expression softened. "But?" He ran a hand through his tousled hair. "You don't want to date me do you?"

"No, it's not that I don't want to date you," Ally paused.

"Then what is it?" Rodney asked, clearly confused about where the conversation was going.

"It's that I really like you and I don't want to screw things up with you because you mean a lot to me. But I think the whole Matt thing has made me scared to date, even though I know you are nothing like him." Ally confessed, suddenly feeling the weight of the textbook in her hands. "would it be ok if we just take things slow?"

"Of course, we can Ally, I'll follow your lead," Rodney said, feeling excited that he hadn't lost his chance to be Ally. "I can carry your books if you want?" Rodney offered.

"Thanks," Ally replied passing off her books to him. The pair set off down the hallway, both happy to just be with each other.

-----

As the day progressed Rodney spent his classes thinking about something he and Ally could do together as a not-a-date kind of date. With the sound of the final bell, Rodney headed out down the hall to find her. On his way, he texted Derek yet another apology for not going to the library as promised. Just like the five before it, there was no response. He knew Derek was mad and he had every right to be but he didn't expect the intense silent treatment. He worried he may have to do more than send a text to get back on Derek's good side.

"Hey, Rodney!" Ally's voice cut through the internal monologue. He had practically walked right into her, he was so lost in thought.

"Hey," Rodney replied, the knot in his stomach loosening at the sight of her. "Um, would want to catch a movie after school? They are playing Scream at Strathroy Cinemas tonight."

Ally seemed interested in the idea. "That sounds fun." Rodney could feel something was off, but he didn't understand what. He thought they had fixed their awkward problem that morning.

"I if you are busy tonight, it is no big deal," He leaned on the blue lockers beside her. "We can go another night."

"Us," she repeated softly, more to herself than to him. There was something off in her tone, a hint of uncertainty that mirrored his own.

Rodney fumbled with his pencil, rolling it between his fingers. He remembered how he'd spent his entire ninth-grade year chasing the idea of being with Ally. Now here he was, doing everything he could to hold onto her, while thoughts of Parker threatened to undermine it all. Lost in his thoughts he realized that Ally was still talking to him.

"Are you okay?" Ally leaned closer, her scent—a mix of vanilla and something floral—enveloping him. It was comforting and familiar, grounding him back to the present.

"Of course," Rodney lied, managing a half-smile. "Just excited for the movie."

"No, no tonight should work I just have to check something first," Ally replied, though she was clearly uncertain about something.

As they walked through the parking lot Rodney couldn't help but wonder what Ally's sudden mood change was about. They had gone to the movies hundreds of times before as friends. As they said their goodbyes and Ally hopped into her mother's car, Rodney couldn't but hope he was just reading into it like he always did.