Deadpool Reincarnated: Chaos and Blades in the World of KonoSuba

Wiz's Magic Item Shop did not look like the home of a Demon King's General. It was a dusty, unassuming little storefront tucked away on one of Axel's less-traveled streets. A wooden sign with a crudely painted potion bottle swung creakily above the door. It looked less like a nexus of arcane power and more like a place where forgotten dreams and expired enchantments went to die.

Kazuma pushed the door open, a small bell tinkling weakly. The inside was a hoarder's paradise. Shelves overflowed with bizarre and questionably useful items: crystal balls that seemed permanently foggy, potions that bubbled with uncertain colors, and stacks of scrolls that looked like they might crumble to dust if someone sneezed too hard. The air smelled of old parchment, dried herbs, and faint, lingering despair.

"Hello?" Kazuma called out into the gloom. "Is anyone here? We're here about the investigation quest."

A figure emerged from a back room, wiping her hands on an apron. It was a young woman with a gentle face, long brown hair, and kind, doe-like eyes. She was beautiful, with a curvaceous figure that her simple dress did little to hide. She radiated an aura of sweet, apologetic kindness. This was Wiz.

"Oh, welcome!" she said, her voice soft and pleasant. "I'm so glad you came. Not many parties were interested in that notice. Please, come in."

Kazuma felt a wave of relief. She seemed normal. Professional. Maybe this quest wouldn't be a complete disaster.

His relief was immediately shattered.

"Hey, I know you," Deadpool said, pointing a finger at Wiz. "You're a lich! One of the Demon King's Generals, right? Big, scary, undead sorceress. Man, you clean up nice. The whole 'kindly shopkeeper' aesthetic is a much better look for you than the whole 'I'm going to freeze your soul' vibe."

Wiz froze, a look of pure, deer-in-the-headlights panic on her face. Her friendly smile faltered. "I-I-I don't know what you're talking about!" she stammered, wringing her hands nervously. "I'm just a humble shopkeeper! My name is Wiz! It's a pleasure to meet you!"

"A LICH?!" Aqua shrieked, her voice going from bored to incandescently furious in a nanosecond. She leaped forward, her staff glowing with holy power. "A filthy, undead General of the Demon King, hiding amongst these innocent people?! Deception! Heresy! Prepare to be returned to the dirt from whence you came, you abomination! Sacred Turn Undead!"

"AQUA, NO!" Kazuma screamed, tackling her around the waist just as she was about to unleash a blast of divine energy that would have leveled the entire shop. "SHE'S THE CLIENT! YOU CANNOT PURIFY THE QUEST-GIVER! THAT IS BAD FOR BUSINESS!"

"Unhand me, Kazuma! She reeks of the grave!" Aqua struggled, trying to smite the terrified lich who was now cowering behind her counter.

Deadpool, meanwhile, had walked right up to the cowering Wiz, completely ignoring the struggle. He leaned over the counter and offered her a fist bump. "Don't mind them. They get like this. Us immortal-ish types have to stick together, right? So, what's the deal? Did you retire? Get bought out in a hostile takeover? I hear the Demon King's benefits package is terrible."

Wiz just stared at him, then at the wrestling match between Kazuma and Aqua, her mind clearly unable to cope with the sudden influx of chaos.

"Can everyone please just calm down?!" she pleaded, her voice trembling. "Yes! Okay, yes! I am a lich! But I'm a peaceful lich! I handle the barrier around the Demon King's castle, but that's it! I'm not evil! I just want to run my little shop!"

This admission only made Aqua struggle harder. "A peaceful lich? That's like a vegetarian shark! It doesn't exist!"

While Kazuma was busy trying to prevent a holy war from breaking out in aisle three, Deadpool began to browse. He picked up a dusty orb. "Does this thing get HBO? I'm behind on my shows." He poked a bottle filled with a viscous purple liquid. "Is this a health potion or a laxative? Because with my diet, sometimes it's a fine line."

He found a mannequin wearing a suit of what was supposed to be "Shadow-Weave Armor." He immediately checked its ankles. "No socks," he sighed in disappointment. "What kind of self-respecting shadow warrior goes commando on the feet? It's unprofessional."

Finally, Kazuma managed to subdue Aqua by promising to buy her a bottle of the most expensive (and likely alcoholic) "holy" wine. The shop settled into a tense, awkward silence.

"Okay," Kazuma said, panting and smoothing down his tracksuit. "Now that we've established that we're not going to smite our potential employer, can you please tell us about the quest, Wiz?"

Wiz, looking deeply rattled, nodded. "O-of course. The quest is for a… a very private client. They've commissioned an investigation into Keel's Weeping Woods. It's a forest a few miles south of here. Recently, a strange phenomenon has occurred. Once you pass a certain point, all sound simply ceases to exist."

"Ceases?" Darkness repeated, her interest piqued. "Not muffled? Not quiet? It simply vanishes?"

"Exactly," Wiz confirmed. "Travelers who have stumbled into it say it's the most unnerving thing they've ever experienced. You can see the birds singing, but you hear nothing. You can shout, but no sound comes out. Some who have gone too deep have come back unable to speak for days, as if they forgot how. My client is worried it's a new type of large-scale curse or barrier magic and wants to know its source, its nature, and if it is expanding. There are no monsters, no immediate danger… just the silence."

Deadpool immediately stopped trying to fit a cursed helmet on his head and began practicing his mime routine. He pretended to be trapped in a box. He did the "walking against the wind" bit. He was surprisingly good at it.

"And the reward?" Kazuma asked, trying to ignore the silent performance happening next to him.

"My client is very motivated," Wiz said, reaching under the counter. "They have authorized me to offer you a fifty-thousand Eris advance just for accepting the quest. The final payment upon a successful report will be… substantial."

Fifty thousand Eris. Just for saying yes. It was a lifeline. It was a tiny drop in their massive bucket of debt, but it was a start.

"We'll take it," Kazuma said instantly.

Wiz slid the heavy pouch of coins across the counter. Kazuma took it, and the weight felt both wonderful and depressing. This wouldn't go to new gear or a nice meal. This was going straight to the kingdom's tax collectors.

Wiz provided them with a map and a few complimentary potions, which Deadpool immediately identified as being several years past their expiration date. With their quest accepted and their advance secured, they prepared to leave.

"It was… a pleasure doing business with you," Wiz said, though she looked like she desperately needed a long nap.

"Likewise, spooky," Deadpool said with a wave. "Hey, if you ever want to get out of retail, my museum is looking for a curator for our 'Undead Undergarments' wing. The pay is terrible, but the benefits are non-existent. Think about it."

They left the shop, leaving the lich shopkeeper to her dusty solitude. They marched south, toward the woods, their spirits a strange cocktail of hope and dread.

An hour later, they stood at the edge of a perfectly normal-looking forest. Birds chirped. A gentle breeze rustled the leaves. Everything seemed fine. The map Wiz had provided indicated the "silent zone" began just past a large, moss-covered oak tree.

"Alright, this is it," Kazuma said, his voice tense. "Stay close. We don't know what we're dealing with."

They walked forward, single file. Deadpool, Kazuma, Aqua, Megumin, and Darkness. One by one, they stepped past the shadow of the ancient oak.

And the world went dead.

It wasn't a fade. It was a switch. One moment, the forest was alive with sound. The next, there was nothing. The chirping birds were gone. The rustling leaves were gone. The sound of their own footsteps, their own breathing, vanished. It was a profound, absolute, and deeply unsettling silence.

Aqua opened her mouth to complain, but no sound came out. Megumin looked around, her eyes wide with a flicker of fear.

The only things Kazuma could hear were the frantic beating of his own heart and the sudden, screamingly loud appearance of two text boxes in Deadpool's personal space.

"WHOA! DUDE! DID YOU HEAR THAT?!" the yellow box shrieked.

"Hear what?" replied the white box. "There is a complete absence of auditory phenomena."

"EXACTLY! IT'S SO LOUD!"