Delusive Fate

#030

“You’re too much, Ki Baek-woo…! Not even doing photosynthesis with your hyung. Aren’t you being too cold these days?”

I whine nonetheless, as if nothing’s wrong. Playfully. Lightly. As if everything is fine. As if this situation is perfectly normal.

“Isn’t your puberty coming too late? If you keep doing this, hyung will be really hurt.”

I say this. I smile. Even though Ki Baek-woo never looks back.

“Oh? Baek-woo, come here. They’re showing the place we went on TV.”

I watch TV, fiddle with my phone, listen to the radio. Whenever something related to our memories comes up, I tell Ki Baek-woo in an excited voice.

“Do you remember that? It’s the noodle shop we went to a long time ago. It was so delicious.”

Ki Baek-woo rubs his brow as if tired and ignores me. I chatter on by myself, mustering up energy.

“That’s the place you found, right? I joked that we should go on proper dates now, and the next day you suddenly sent such a long message, I was so surprised. I wondered what you were doing all night without sleeping, but you had gathered all these great restaurants and places, saying we should go to all of them and have dates. It was so funny. Do you remember?”

“…”

“That noodle shop was the first place we went to then. I want to go again. Right?”

Even if Ki Baek-woo doesn’t come near me. Even if he doesn’t answer. Even if he passes by me with eyes like stones, as if he doesn’t even remember such a past, just fiddling with his phone. I constantly recalled our happy past.

“You were so cute back then. I was just joking, but you came with such a serious face, proudly presenting a list of all the good places you’d written down. What did you say then? Something like, ‘How about that, aren’t I a really reliable boyfriend?’ I wondered where such an adorable thing had fallen from…”

I continued, continued, and was happy without giving up. In front of Ki Baek-woo.

I sincerely thought that if I acted normal like this, Ki Baek-woo would return to the person I knew, that if we didn’t lose our “us-ness,” we would once again become the “us” I knew. Very desperately.

But even as I tried to remain as us, as Lee Han-sol and Ki Baek-woo, I fell into these thoughts. Looking at the photos of Ki Baek-woo with Jung Yi-dam that often appeared on the community.

Should I change my hair?

I stood stupidly in front of the mirror, fiddling with my hair that I hadn’t paid much attention to until now. Is it messy? Does it look bad…

If I grow it out calmly like that person, and part my bangs like this… would it look okay?

As I gather my bangs and pull them weakly, I meet my own eyes in the mirror. I hesitate again.

That person doesn’t have any moles on their face. It’s pure white like a canvas… really different from me.

I look at the mole above my right eyelid. If I lower my gaze a bit more, there’s another mole on my cheek in the same direction. The moles that Ki Baek-woo often touched and kissed alternately, saying it was interesting and cute how they were in a straight line.

Should I remove the moles? It might make my face look a bit messy since there’s one near my mouth too. Why didn’t I think it was bothersome before… Was I too uninterested in these things?

And my way of speaking too…

“Hello, Hunter Jung Yi-dam, no no. Again.”

Hello, I’m Hunter Lee Han-sol. Nice to meet you. I’m C-rank. I, I…

How did that person speak? Back then in the hospital room, with such a sweet voice…

‘Hunter, you’re quite good at saying such embarrassing things.’

‘Hunter, please answer the phone.’

Right. That’s how they spoke. A soft voice that rises slightly at the end, making you feel ticklish inside.

A kind pronunciation, a calm breath. I think I could speak like that too. Since it’s a habit, if I practice a little more, wouldn’t it become natural? I think I could do this much… And what else should I do? What should I do? What should I do to become…

“The way they dress is different too… I only have casual clothes… But I think I could pull off this kind of style. If I just buy some new knits and things…”

And, and also…

“Anyway, if the problem is that I’m Lee Han-sol, I can just become like this person, right? If Baek-woo likes this kind of person, I can become like this and…”

Baek-woo doesn’t come in anymore, not even with the excuse of gates. And every time, he’s probably with Jung Yi-dam. More sightings will be posted on the community, and I’ll just repeat these strange thoughts without being able to do anything.

“So if I just become Jung Yi-dam first, wouldn’t that work…?”

Then wouldn’t Ki Baek-woo come to my side? Even for a moment.

If I become Jung Yi-dam instead of Lee Han-sol, wouldn’t all this terrible time end so simply? If I do that for now, and then slowly fix our distorted relationship…

“Even I think this is a bit scary… It’s not a horror movie, what…”

Changing clothes or removing moles won’t make Lee Han-sol into Jung Yi-dam. How stupid…

I knew I wasn’t normal. I knew I was acting immature and indecisive. Laughing, then crying. Wanting to talk to Ki Baek-woo, then wanting to run away in fear. Wanting to be Lee Han-sol, then thinking I could become Jung Yi-dam like this.

Blaming the world, then blaming Jung Yi-dam, then blaming myself.

Sometimes I was disgusted with myself, but soon after, I thought it was natural for me to be so unsettled. Because I didn’t know what to do or how to do it. Even if I tried to act normal, even if I kept bringing up our happy memories, even if I prepared gifts or his favorite foods, even if I tried to give him everything he used to enjoy again.

There was no spark in Ki Baek-woo’s eyes when he looked at me.

He used to look at me with eyes that sparkled like stars… What more should I do?

“I don’t know.”

I really don’t know. Where it went wrong. What I did wrong. What I should do to straighten out our relationship.

Why did this happen?

I just missed Ki Baek-woo.

Ki Baek-woo, who rarely comes home these days unless he’s drunk. Ki Baek-woo, who barely replies to one out of ten messages I send. Ki Baek-woo, who doesn’t answer my calls.

Ki Baek-woo, who made me fall in love with him and then suddenly gave me no chance like this.

I just missed him so much.

***

Hope suddenly appeared one day.

Ki Baek-woo has been coming home drunk more often these days. No, he only came home when he was drunk.

The Ki Baek-woo I knew wasn’t interested in alcohol at all. The Ki Baek-woo in my memory only bought expensive wine on special occasions, trying to set the mood shyly. At those times, I would tease him, asking when such a little boy grew up to buy alcohol, and Ki Baek-woo would pretend to be angry, grumbling about how long I was going to treat him like a child. But then he would suddenly make an innocent face. ‘Hyung, they say adults are supposed to teach about alcohol,’ he would whisper in my ear with a harmless voice. And then, as if he had been waiting for the moment I took a sip of wine, his lips would overlap with mine.

Ki Baek-woo would drink wine through my mouth like that, and before long, as the alcohol took effect, he would smile broadly.

Compared to then, Ki Baek-woo these days looked like a completely different person. Well, what wouldn’t seem different?

Ki Baek-woo, stumbling drunk as if there was something he desperately wanted to forget, as if he couldn’t bear it unless he saw the world hazily through intoxication.

But Ki Baek-woo who only comes home that way.

While I hoped that Ki Baek-woo wouldn’t ruin himself with alcohol, when I couldn’t see him for days, I desperately wished that he would please be drunk today, that he would appear in a drunken state, that he would come home even if it meant cursing at me, hitting me, getting angry at me.

And that day was one of those days. The day Ki Baek-woo stumbled in through the front door in the early morning.

That day too, I was sitting quietly in the living room, waiting for Ki Baek-woo who hadn’t come home until dawn. Although I knew the chances of him not coming were higher, I still waited for Ki Baek-woo most days. As long as I didn’t collapse from lack of sleep, almost every day.

The time spent waiting for Ki Baek-woo without any promise was bleak. It felt like drifting on the vast ocean on a paper boat. Scared of sinking, but unable to do anything on my own, just waiting for the outcome.

Is Baek-woo with Jung Yi-dam right now? What are they doing together until this hour? Is he thinking of me at all? No, don’t think like this. But it’s true, isn’t it? No, it’s not true. Why isn’t it true? Because Baek-woo hasn’t told me anything. You didn’t ask. Coward. Traitor who doubts while deciding to trust Baek-woo forever. But Baek-woo first… Baek-woo first…

It felt like my mind was splitting. My thoughts continued obsessively. Even in the midst of this, my hands compulsively refreshed the center’s community board. I repeatedly imagined myself becoming Jung Yi-dam. I was disgusted with myself.

– Beep

Then I heard the electronic sound of the door lock opening. I had been curled up blankly on the sofa, but I jumped up, feeling my head clear instantly.

“You’re home? It’s late.”

The front door opened, and Ki Baek-woo, whom I felt like I hadn’t seen in a very long time, came in. I ran out happily, like a dog that had unexpectedly met its owner.

“It’s been a while, have you been busy? You’ve been drinking again. Why are you drinking so much these days? What if you get sick? You know I’d be upset.”

“…”

“I missed you. It’s good to see your face.”

The tall and large Ki Baek-woo was leaning against the front door, which was about his size. His loosely unfocused eyes looked down hazily at me clinging to him. It was a look as if he was seeing a stranger.

It’s because he’s drunk, it can’t be helped. But it’s okay. It’s Ki Baek-woo in front of me, not Ki Baek-woo next to Jung Yi-dam.

I joked as I burrowed into Ki Baek-woo’s side.

“Whew, smell of alcohol. Always coming home drunk, at this rate I’ll forget the sober Ki Baek-woo completely. When are you going to show me the clear-headed Ki Baek-woo?”

I supported Ki Baek-woo who was leaning weakly against the door. Ki Baek-woo stared at me silently as I hugged his back, then let out a long exhale. The bittersweet oak scent of whiskey invaded my nostrils. Ki Baek-woo’s voice, slightly cracked from the alcohol, asked:

“Who are you…?”