Delusive Fate

#037

I hesitantly looked at Ki Baek-woo’s hand reaching out to me. I looked at that hand that had fiercely touched my cheek and then pulled away. I heard something inside me crumbling.

How did it come to this? What happened to us? Me, and you, Baek-woo…

I didn’t want to ask. I had sworn I would never ask, that the problem ends the moment the answer comes out. That once that happens, no one cares about the wrong choices left over. That Ki Baek-woo would be the same. So I had promised myself I would never ask such a thing. It was okay if that promise left a hole in my heart. Because I’m really good at enduring. I could bear it as long as necessary.

But yesterday, the snowballing daydream collapsed all at once in this moment… The overwhelming emptiness was as powerful as the source of destruction.

With my heart shattering into pieces, I asked.

“Are we not supposed to be like this?”

“…Hyung.”

“You know, Baek-woo… That person you said keeps appearing in your dreams…”

“What? Dreams?”

“You said it yesterday… The person who appears in your dreams and makes things difficult for you. Who is that person? It’s… not me, right?”

“What are you talking about? What dreams…?”

“Are you seeing someone else?”

Ki Baek-woo didn’t answer. He just sighed as if tired. I watched him rub his face with his hands, my own face pitiful with blood smeared on it.

Ki Baek-woo stood up. He walked sluggishly. He picked up his t-shirt and shirt that were carelessly dropped on the floor, putting them on his arm, and put on his pants. Then he sat down heavily on the bed with a thud. Ki Baek-woo looked exhausted.

Why?

What makes you so weary? Is it possibly me?

I just sat there stupidly, sprawled on the floor where I had fallen after Ki Baek-woo hit me, waiting for Ki Baek-woo to open his mouth. As an impatient silence descended around us, I felt a strange sensation. Even though I was clearly with Ki Baek-woo, even though he was within arm’s reach, there was a sense of disconnection as if we weren’t in the same space at all.

Suddenly, I realized belatedly. How long has it been? Since Ki Baek-woo stopped smiling in front of me. Looking back, even yesterday, when I thought Ki Baek-woo had returned to me and we passionately intertwined our bodies, Ki Baek-woo didn’t smile.

The original Ki Baek-woo mostly had a bright expression when he was with me. Even when he was sick or struggling, he would pull up the corners of his mouth to smile. If I chided him with worry, asking how he could smile at a time like this, Ki Baek-woo would answer in a fading voice.

‘When I’m with you, hyung, the corners of my mouth keep rising. It just happens naturally.’

I felt emptiness. I wiped the gradually stopping nosebleed again. I had no idea how hideous my face must look. Jung Yi-dam’s clean face came to mind. Jung Yi-dam’s clean and gentle face that everyone seemed to fall in love with…

Are you included in that ‘everyone’, Baek-woo?

The few minutes waiting for Ki Baek-woo to open his mouth felt like an eternity. But you know what, I feel like I’m always waiting for you, Baek-woo. It seems like it’s been that way for a while now…

But that’s okay. Because I’m good at enduring. Enduring something has been my greatest skill since the moment destruction struck. I was strong. Really strong…. Ki Baek-woo was always by my side.

Then Ki Baek-woo spoke.

“Why are you asking when you already know?”

“What do I know?”

“Are you trying to make me the bad guy?”

“Why would you be the bad guy… Why would I…”

“…Because you’re my hyung.”

Ki Baek-woo revealed his face that had been buried in his palms and looked into space. His expression was one of disgust. I looked at Ki Baek-woo, who was staring into space rather than at me, as if admiring him. He’s handsome. Even with that face, he’s handsome. He’s beautiful. Really beautiful…. Completely irrelevant thoughts lined up hand in hand.

“You’re… you’re my hyung. Can’t you just figure it out because you’re my hyung?”

“Figure out what…?”

I slowly blinked my eyes that were fixed on Ki Baek-woo. The world seemed to turn off along with my flickering vision. Feeling like I was acting too stupidly, I asked again.

“What do you want me to do…?”

Ki Baek-woo turned his head to me with a gesture that said he was going crazy.

“Can’t you just sort things out on your own?”

“So, what exactly…”

This time, I lowered my eyes. Ah, was this how Ki Baek-woo felt when he avoided my gaze all this time? Scared, painful, and complicated. Feeling like something could never be reversed. Wanting to avoid this moment by pretending not to know…

But unfortunately, this wasn’t a situation that could be dismissed by avoiding eye contact. Regret washed over me. I shouldn’t have asked.

Why did I ask when I had decided never to ask? Why, why, why! Why did I ask such a question about seeing someone else? Why on earth! Why did I create this situation myself? How much more futile could it be? How much more miserable could it be? It would have been better if I had just quietly endured this time too. When the only thing I’m good at is enduring…! Why couldn’t I do even that?

It’s foolish and pathetic. I’m an idiot. Lee Han-sol is a moron. I… I’m nothing. I’m a useless speck of dust. Yes, that’s what I am.

My molars clattered against each other in fear that approached like a rising tide. My forehead stung. It felt more painful than my left cheek that had already swollen, where Ki Baek-woo’s gaze landed on my forehead. I breathed as shallowly as possible. Like something cornered pretending to be dead while holding its breath, I did so instinctively. It wasn’t thinking by thoughts, or acting by thoughts. I was doing it very naturally.

“Are you going to pretend not to know until the end?”

“…Well, I.”

“Our relationship. Couldn’t you have sorted it out on your own?”

I’m an idiot. Lee Han-sol is a moron. An existence that should disappear like a speck of dust.

I moved my lips in front of Ki Baek-woo’s death sentence. I wanted to say something. I wanted to neatly organize my feelings and tell him everything, not to sort out our relationship as Ki Baek-woo said, but to organize my current feelings clearly and simply, in an easy-to-understand way. But I couldn’t do it. I stumbled even though I was sitting.

“Are you… seeing someone else?”

Is it true? Actually, I know, everyone else knows so I know too… Is it really true? But Baek-woo, I really don’t want to know this… I didn’t want to know.

I hoped Ki Baek-woo would understand my feelings. We used to be the kind of people who knew without saying anything. We naturally read each other’s inner thoughts.

‘Hyung, we must really be destined for each other. Looking at how our telepathy works.’

Ki Baek-woo used to say that as if he was moved. But now, Ki Baek-woo seemed to not care about my feelings at all. He looked like he didn’t even want to look at me. As if he was sick of someone like me, he gritted his teeth and spoke.

“Yes, I’m seeing someone else. That’s how it turned out. I feel sorry towards you, hyung. But I couldn’t help it either. When I stand in front of that person, I feel ecstatic as if I’m not myself, my heart races, how can I deny that? Do you think you could do that, hyung?”

“…I.”

“No, you couldn’t do it either. If you experienced this, if you were in my situation, you would have done exactly the same. Because I feel sorry for you, because of the time we’ve spent together, let’s ignore this. Let’s endure it and return to you. Do you think that’s possible? No. That’s impossible, hyung. Love isn’t loyalty.”

“……”

“Love isn’t loyalty. Love is… love, hyung.”

“……”

“I really didn’t want to do this either. I didn’t want to hurt you, so I dragged it out this far. Because you were waiting there pretending not to know even though you knew everything, because you were pressuring me…! I just couldn’t say it. I know, it’s actually my fault. I’m sorry for blaming you, I’m the sinner.”

Ki Baek-woo spoke as if he was angry, but at some point, his voice became calm as if he had lost steam. No, just when it seemed like he was finished, he started listing things I hadn’t even asked about.

“I acted rashly when I was young. I thought I loved you. But the moment I met that person, I realized. That wasn’t love. I had only been with you since I was very young, so I mistook my dependence on you for love. I was young. I didn’t know anything. Of course, you were young too, you didn’t know anything either. So shouldn’t we correct it now?”

“……”

“I tried not to be like this. But I keep getting weird in front of Jung Yi-dam. As if my heart isn’t my own, as if I’m not myself, I change completely, what am I supposed to do! But then when I come home, you’re here…. You’re standing here firmly, acting as if you love me…! It was hard for me too. So I avoided you. Because it was uncomfortable to see you.”

“…Baek-woo.”

I felt like my head was spinning, or maybe I was getting sleepy. A formless fear followed Ki Baek-woo’s words, messing up my mind.

I keep getting weird in front of that person. As if my heart isn’t my own, as if I’m not myself, I change completely, what am I supposed to do. I thought I loved you. I mistook thinking I loved you, Lee Han-sol, who’s nothing special and tries to act like my protector. My time is precious, my time is like blood. So atone with your death! Disappear from this world right now! Your life is already over, just die right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I felt nauseous.

“I’m sorry, hyung. I’m really sorry.”

“Well, um, Baek-woo. You know… First, listen to me too. So, yeah, well.”

To Ki Baek-woo who was mumbling apologies, I really wanted to say it. How much I needed him. I wanted to explain in detail how I fall apart without his back, his hands, or just him standing there. In other words, I wanted to explain in great detail how much I loved Ki Baek-woo.

If I was going to say it, I had to say it now. Ki Baek-woo doesn’t give me time these days. So when an opportunity came to hold him like this, I had to say it somehow. This was something I absolutely had to say. So, calmly and logically, like a proper hyung…

“Listen to me, yeah, listen. Okay. But Baek-woo, I, I…”