Delusive Fate

#039

The two of them giggled for a while as if they found it hilarious. I sat quietly in the waiting room of the Central Center’s Administrative Support Department, hearing all of their vulgar conversation. I didn’t particularly try to listen, but they made no effort to hide it from me. Whatever it was, I wasn’t particularly angry. I didn’t have enough emotion left for that. Besides, it was familiar.

Whether in reality or on the internet. These days, every place in the world seemed to be filled with contempt for me.

At some point, everyone in the world started to hate me. People from the Center, the Awakened, and many others interested in the Hunter world. Countless of them said in unison:

Poor Hunter Ki Baek-woo. That guy who can’t even understand his place! Hunter Ki Baek-woo, who was finally freed from that leech clinging to his ankle, has found a proper partner and experienced true love. Instead of reflecting on his past of sticking to Ki Hunter like a leech and sucking his blood, he dares to lurk around and act bothersome. Even following him into Gates beyond his level! Does he think Ki Baek-woo will look back at him if he risks his life? That gloomy and disgusting stalker!

Lee Han-sol, who’s worse than a bug, should disappear for the sake of Hunter Ki Baek-woo and Hunter Jung Yi-dam! Vanish right now for a bright, hopeful, and clean world! What should exist on this earth is not a C-rank like you, but the perfect and great love of Hunter Ki Baek-woo and Hunter Jung Yi-dam! Die! Commit suicide overnight without anyone knowing!

‘I see…’ I thought. Looking at them pointing fingers at me freely and treating me like a filthy nuisance, I quietly agreed, ‘Maybe that’s right.’ Honestly, it is.

Even Ki Baek-woo, who was like my other half, left me behind like trash. We used to be each other’s other half. We were beings who could only live together, thinking the same thoughts and feeling the same emotions in the same place… But now even Ki Baek-woo doesn’t like me at all.

He said he never really loved me, that he didn’t know what love was, but now that he’s fallen in love with Jung Yi-dam, he realized that what we had wasn’t love, so,

‘Hyung, you should learn to live without me too.’

With those words, the moment Ki Baek-woo coldly pushed me away as I clung to him and left the house. From that moment, there wasn’t a single person left on the entire planet who liked me. If Ki Baek-woo is tired of Lee Han-sol, who could possibly love me? It’s impossible. Even Ki Baek-woo, whom I was certain would be the only one by my side even if the whole world turned its back on me, says I’m nothing, so who could possibly…

Even I disliked myself.

Just as others told me, I found myself disgusting, tiresome, and horrible. So I was truly a gloomy stalker, a terrible delusional patient, and a leech who couldn’t forget Ki Baek-woo because I couldn’t understand my place – someone who should disappear for the sake of the world.

Lee Han-sol is an idiot, Lee Han-sol is a fool, Lee Han-sol is worthless cosmic trash. I knew it well. So I didn’t care how others saw me. Whatever bad things they said about me were probably true.

Ham Yun-ah

[Han-sol, I’m coming with Jin-oh now so wait just a little bit ㅠㅠ]

[You absolutely must not enter the Gate! Okay?]

[Please, it’s my wish so just listen this once, Han-sol, please ㅠㅠㅠ If you listen to this, I’ll grant your wish too, I can grant ten of them, really]

[Please reconsider, there’s no guarantee you’ll come back alive this time either ㅜㅜ Even in the A-rank Gate you went to last time, you were unconscious for days because your injuries were so severe ㅜㅜㅠ]

[You know an S-rank Gate is really impossible… Han-sol, I don’t want you to die… How can you go this far just because you broke up with your boyfriend ㅜㅜ]

I took out my buzzing phone again and looked at it quietly. This time, there were a lot of messages from Yun-ah. It seemed true that Kim Jin-oh was coming with Yun-ah.

Ham Yun-ah

[Please think of us who are worried about you too, okay? Please ㅠㅠㅠ]

I felt tired at the last message that arrived. Why is even Yun-ah doing this? These days, I only get these pointless contacts, should I just block them all? No, maybe it would be better to get rid of the phone altogether. I didn’t need it anymore anyway. Ki Baek-woo doesn’t answer my calls, and doesn’t reply to my messages. Not even a short reply saying ‘Stop it.’ A phone that can’t connect with Ki Baek-woo was no better than junk.

I’ll just cancel the service after this raid is over. I decided inwardly and set the phone to silent mode.

I couldn’t understand why Jin-oh and Yun-ah were doing this. Were they playing some game to see who could get a reply first from that idiot Lee Han-sol? If that was the case, it would be somewhat understandable.

It was ridiculous to talk about worrying or telling me not to die.

“Even Ki Baek-woo doesn’t care whether I follow him to the Gate and roll around, or whether I die doing it.”

What worry… This deception of pretending to care about me by making up kind words was even worse than shouting ‘Die right now, you psycho who’s writing a suicide note to cling to your ex-boyfriend and following him to high-rank Gates beyond your level!’ while spitting in my face. Not that I was angry about it though.

I put the phone into the front pocket of my plate carrier and stood up, feeling no particular emotion.

Looking at the bustling base camp, it seemed the raid would start soon. I could see Hunters gathering one by one in front of the rippling Gate. Among them was Ki Baek-woo, perfectly dressed in combat gear including black combat pants and shirt, plate carrier, and knee pads.

Even though everyone was wearing the same combat gear, I could instantly spot Ki Baek-woo. I wouldn’t confuse him even among thousands or tens of thousands of people. I could probably recognize you even from space. Because you’re the only one, Ki Baek-woo, who makes me feel alive just by seeing your face from afar.

That’s why I was doing these crazy things that everyone pointed fingers at. Because I didn’t feel alive at all when I couldn’t see Ki Baek-woo.

Without Ki Baek-woo, I was dead while alive. No, I was alive while dead. I couldn’t remember what I was, what a living human should do throughout the day, how to sleep, how to eat, none of those things. I just missed Ki Baek-woo. I missed Ki Baek-woo so much because I felt like dying from hating myself.

“I don’t understand why everyone’s making such a fuss about possibly dying.”

The moment Ki Baek-woo disappeared, I had already lost my reason for existing. So dying wasn’t scary. The only scary thing was the fact that Ki Baek-woo was gone.

“If I die, I die. Things have come to this, so it’s better to just die.”

I retied my loosely tied combat boots and left the gloomy corner where I had been holed up. The raid would start soon. The substitute raid I had obtained by begging and crying to the Central Center’s Administrative Support Department staff.

‘Hunter Lee Han-sol, even though there’s a substitute raid system, there’s a limit. Who substitutes an S-rank Gate for a D-rank Gate schedule? It might be understandable if you were A-rank, but you’re C-rank, Hunter Lee Han-sol. How can you survive in an S-rank Gate? If you can’t do the D-rank Gate at this time due to scheduling conflicts, substitute it with a C-rank or D-rank Gate at B-district Center. What? The last time? Didn’t you say it was the last time before too? Sigh, I really can’t do this anymore. It’s one thing to get a written statement and will saying you’re entering the Gate of your own will, but this is getting really uncomfortable… I’ll change your schedule to the same raid as Hunter Ki Baek-woo one last time, so hurry up and write your statement and will, stamp it, and give it to me. This is really the last time. Understand?’

I was really disgusting these days. Because I kept repeating the pathetic act of squeezing into Ki Baek-woo’s raids under the pretense of substitute raids. The reason was simple. Because that was the only way I could see Ki Baek-woo alive and moving, even if just a little. And only by seeing that could I feel alive too.

So despite being C-rank, I was squeezing into raids participated by the great S-ranks.

I didn’t care about being cursed at for being obsessive, mentally ill, or people saying poor Hunter Ki Baek-woo for being harassed by someone like me. I didn’t mind the attitude of Center staff or Hunters treating me like a nuisance. It was okay even if Ki Baek-woo glanced at me with eyes that were tired of me, and only looked at Jung Yi-dam standing next to him. It was all fine. Even the fact that this was a stupid act risking death.

I was just doing my best with what I could do. If I didn’t throw myself completely into this and accept anything, I would never be able to see Ki Baek-woo again.

Because these were the only choices given to me who wouldn’t risk death. Either disappear quietly into sea foam carrying my one-sided love like the Little Mermaid, or disappear quietly, not knowing if I’m alive or dead, like Sleeping Beauty. Disappear, or disappear.

‘I wanted to disappear too. I tried to disappear.’