Fatigue Syndrome: The Lassitude

So that’s it. It seems he’s going on a trip tomorrow. And even for 2 days and 1 night. Although this day no longer matters since we’ll break up today anyway, I was a bit sad that our 7th anniversary was completely unimportant to Ithae. Whether he knew about it or not.

In the end, it was that person again. A colleague who needs care due to many problems.

This situation, where that person interferes, was too familiar. Yes, I encountered this too often. With how I gradually give way to this person.

I tried not to show any emotional fluctuations externally. Instead, I tried to think only about such trifles as needing to eat before breaking up.

‘Tomorrow I can move my things. Ithae won’t be home either.’

I tried to continue the awkwardly interrupted speech. For some reason, Ithae’s pupils looking at me seemed to tremble very finely and continuously. Seeing that he couldn’t calm down at all, I averted my gaze so as not to succumb to anxiety myself.

Ithae was like a mirage that couldn’t be reached no matter how hard you tried. He fluctuated endlessly, and it was impossible to make out his form. Without seeing, I couldn’t interpret his emotions.

“The new owner here cooks well. He makes good spicy noodles. If you like the taste, then it’s fine, but… don’t order too often.”

It sounded like words addressed to a child being left behind. Like concern expressed soullessly, assuming we won’t meet again.

I completely averted my gaze from Ithae and started eating. I didn’t like this feeling at all.

I preferred a full stop of complete breakup to an awkward ending. Relationships where no feelings are left for each other, when you don’t even look back at the moment of parting. I wanted to remain in such relationships where you don’t even need to wave goodbye.

I was frowning and concentrating on enjoying the side dishes when I heard an impatient, excited voice. There was only one person in front of me, so of course it was him, but I was surprised by the unfamiliar tone not characteristic of him.

Maybe it’s because it was completely unexpected? I stopped eating and looked at Ithae. I slightly relaxed my eyebrows. Although Ithae knew me well, I didn’t want to give him any possibility for a different interpretation.

“Tomorrow… are you busy tomorrow?”

“Yes.”

I answered without hesitation. Even if I’m not busy, I won’t spend time with you. We’ll end it today. Forever.

Ithae’s unexpected question was both funny and a bit embarrassing. Didn’t we agree not to be interested in such things about each other? Or is he also uncomfortable in this situation and saying whatever comes to mind?

Although it’s really a bit strange. Being caught on a trip with another person when you haven’t broken up with your partner yet. And it’s planned for the day of our 7th anniversary. This… looks like a trash move, Ithae. Ah, so that’s it. You want to find a reason for accusation from my side too?

Ithae, who didn’t miss my gaze under the quiet silence, clearly understood the trajectory. He could easily guess that I saw the preview. Maybe he was trying to somehow fix the situation? Didn’t want to remain such a selfish person?

“…Why…”

“Ithae, enough.”

I drew a long line before Ithae’s inappropriate desperation. Resolutely warning him not to cross it.

Even looking straight into his eyes, there were things I saw. Such as the untouched rice bowl or slightly parted lips. Although I noticed he was hurt by my answer, I wasn’t interested in what excuse he was going to offer. Just if we both treat tomorrow the same way, everything will end.

Like an ordinary day not worth marking. Without the need for any additional comments. It needed to be made like that. Because after breaking up, it will become an ordinary day without any significance.

I raised my index finger to my lips. Actually, I wanted to close Ithae’s lips, but now we seem to no longer be in such a relationship, so I didn’t do it.

It might seem a bit inappropriate, but Ithae’s lips were soft. Just like a mouse pad, they softly dented when pressed. That’s why I liked it even more. I struggled to avert my gaze that was about to head towards his lips. Ithae still looked confused.

This emotion clearly manifested in his voice when he spoke with pauses.

“Maybe… You knew that it’s our 7th anniversary…”

“I knew.”

I indifferently threw the next phrase instead of Ithae, who seemed to have lost his speech. His plump lips instantly compressed. His right hand was already tightly gripping the phone with the screen turned off.

But this didn’t make what I saw disappear. As our memories still lay on the cutting board, so my pitiful form of love was sliced.

I put the last spoonful in my mouth. The white rice seemed to be cooked with the addition of glutinous rice, as stickiness was felt. Even if it was the result of poor craftsmanship using seasonings, the new owner at least cooked rice better.

Before fully chewing and swallowing the rice, I quickly scooped a full spoon of warm bean sprout soup and put it in my mouth. As soon as I started eating, my body warmed up as if I was in the warm South Pacific region. Ugh. I involuntarily let out an admiring sound. My mood instantly improved. Maybe my heart also froze from the long eye contact?

I carefully put down the spoon. The empty rice bowl looked exactly like my heart, in which nothing was left. However, someday something new will appear in it. Something that has nothing to do with Ithae.

“Listen, Ithae.”

I carelessly threw words at him, still in a stupor. For a moment, a strange glint appeared in his eyes. His gaze on me became clearer, as if he expected something.

“Maybe we should report it to the news? It seems I’ve become a Mongolian. I even foresaw that you have plans tomorrow.”

“…I don’t have plans!”

Ithae hastily refuted my words. With age, he rarely showed such a confused expression. It reminded me of a summer day when I first teased him.

Ithae, dressed in a snow-white shirt and covered in sweat droplets, furiously shook his head in response to my small joke. Just as confused as now. I still clearly remember the drop that fell on the ground of the sports field.

There are memories that are drawn freshly. This is what we could have preserved if we had broken up cleanly. If we hadn’t accused each other, hadn’t figured out who was right and who was wrong, hadn’t begged to love each other again.

And I was going to preserve this. Because it was the brightest of my memories.

“First, finish eating. There’s no need to deny so strongly. Anyway, I have plans tomorrow too.”

To be precise, I actually didn’t. If it’s a promise to myself, then I guess that counts as a plan too.

I wanted to quickly stuff all the remaining rice into Ithae’s mouth, grab his head and jaw, and make him chew, even if I had to use force. I stared intently at his mouth. I wonder when it will open.

Ah, I told you to apply lip balm. Look, they’re all cracked again. Now that you’ve become an uncle, you’ve stopped taking care of your face. You think I’m already a caught fish, huh?

I suddenly thought that Ithae was beautiful.

Although he was attractive even when he shaved his head bald, now that his hair has grown out, he’s become even more handsome. Although I didn’t fall in love with Ithae for his appearance, I often thought that his straight nose was really good.

Sometimes, when I looked up at him… Ah, I need to stop such fantasies. Such thoughts when we’re about to break up. I crossed my legs, changing my posture.

If you recall our first clumsy experience, now we’re almost masters. And who taught this? Someone else is now reaping the fruits. I didn’t even get to properly… Although no, I used it well. Well, that’s enough.

I was absentmindedly looking at his face, not even noticing that my mouth had opened, when I suddenly thought that Ithae was too quiet. His lips weren’t moving, and he wasn’t speaking. I slowly raised my eyes and met his gaze. His eyes, which had become clear from unfamiliar anger, stared intently at me. Almost as if he was looking reproachfully.

Ithae’s lips trembled.

“…And me too?”

“Huh?”

“Why ‘and me too’… Who are you meeting tomorrow?”

An unexpected accusing tone was directed at me.

∞ ∞ ∞

In the end, I poured all the dirt on Kyeoul.

I didn’t want to do this. I wanted to smash the phone right now. Although what has already happened can’t be changed. Why did he write exactly now…

I was so happy that I was short of breath from eating face to face with Kyeoul for the first time in a long time. Although this shouldn’t have been such a joyful event. Why was I so excited that my heart was pounding because a couple was eating together, especially when we even live together?

The last few days it had been difficult to meet Kyeoul. Although we lived under the same roof. The sun set early, and even when the long night began, Kyeoul rarely returned home. As if he had abandoned me and left. As if I was no longer important to him.

During this time, my fantasies became more and more intense and concrete. Imagination reached its limit, colliding with my situation. Maybe…

“‘And me too,’ you say. And me too? Who do you meet so often? Why do you return with such an excited and tired face? Maybe you too… are meeting someone besides me? Are you doing such things with him? Kyeoul, how can you act like this? Who is he anyway? What kind of relationship do you have?”