Flash - I Am The Speed Force

Caitlin rushes into S.T.A.R Labs cortex and sees Barry sitting on a chair, looking down at the floor while clutching his head.

"Barry, are you okay?" she approaches him, seeing him in such a state. She places her hand on his shoulder to get his attention, but he doesn't look up at her.

"What happened?" Caitlin looks at Cisco and Dr. Wells, who don't know what to say.

"I killed him," Barry says without looking at her.

Caitlin turns to look at Barry, unable to believe what she just heard.

"Barry, it was an accident," Dr. Wells says grabbing Caitlin's attention. "Can someone tell me what just happened?" Caitlin yells.

"While Barry was fighting our evil meta, he lost control of his body while he was in the midst of a tornado he created to fight off the poison gas cloud.

He... spun too fast creating a tornado strong enough too..." Cisco says, "Separate the molecular bonds between the Meta-human's molecules while he was in his unstable gaseous state," Caitlin finishes off his sentence.

"Barry, this is not your fault. You can't blame yourself for something you had no control over," Caitlin says crouching down to meet Barry at eye level. He grabs Barry's face and makes him look at her.

"It's not your fault!" she emphasizes heavily on every word.

Barry doesn't know how to feel about this. He just wanted to save people with his powers, not kill them.

What happens if he loses control again? What if he kills an innocent person next time?

"I need to think this all through," Barry says and disappears in a flash leaving the team alone, worried.

Caitlin especially is extremely worried for Barry right now. Ever since she met him, she had never seen him be so devastated.

He always had a smile on his face, he was always positive, he always prioritized others over himself, and he was willing to do anything to help the people of this city and ask nothing in return.

And he was especially there to make her smile and laugh again. Ever since the death of Ronnie, Barry is the only good thing that has happened to her. His arrival has made it possible for her to look forward to a new day with a smile on her face.

So seeing that same man who always had a smile on his face, broken like this, made her feel extremely sad.

"We need to tell Joe," Caitlin says as she believes only someone very close to Barry can help him right now, and unfortunately, she is not that person. She can't be the emotional support and positive influence that Barry was for her during this past month, making her feel really guilty.

____________________

Barry returns to his apartment devastated. He doesn't know how to feel about what he did today. Even though he was not in control of his actions, his ideals and morals still make it hard for him to accept them.

In the end, it is his body and his powers that caused this. Now he doesn't trust himself with it. What if he loses control again and gets trapped inside his lightning prison for much longer the next time he uses his power? It would be cataclysmic.

"Maybe I should give up," Barry thinks and closes his eyes.

After a while, there is a knock at his door. Barry gets off his bed and opens it to find Joe.

"Joe," Barry says and lets Joe in. Joe enters his small apartment with heavy footsteps, as the talk they are about to have is heavy.

Barry stays silent. He sits down on his couch staring at a wall.

"I heard what happened," Joe says sitting down next to Barry.

"You were right Joe. I am no hero. I was getting way over my head. I thought I could do anything with my powers," Barry says.

Joe looks at Barry and sees that he is devastated.

"I understand what you are going through," Joe says.

"I joined the police force to help people, to save them, no matter who they were. But reality hit me hard and made me understand that not everyone can be saved, and some don't deserve to be saved.

There are people out there in this world who are nothing but evil. They cause unimaginable harm to people and their loved ones.

And the man that died today is one of those people, Barry," Joe says, making Barry look at him.

"His name was Kyle Nimbus. He was a death row inmate who was being executed on the night of the explosion. He was a hitman for the Darbinyan crime family. He had a lot of blood in his hand, Barry, men, women, even children.

This man was supposed to be dead long ago, but since he survived, now more people are dead.

He doesn't deserve to be saved," Joe says.

Barry now feels even more conflicted. Should he be glad that a monster like Kyle Nimbus is finally gone from this world or should he still feel bad for killing a man?

"How did you figure out it was him?" Barry asks.

"Cisco found residues of Hydrogen Cyanide and sedatives on your suit, from which we were able to narrow down on Nimbus as he was being executed when the particle accelerator went off," Joe says.

Silence follows and the two don't speak for a few minutes.

"Then why does it feel so shitty? This man was bad, very bad, but why do I feel like shit even though I caused his death by accident?" Barry asks looking at Joe.

"Because, Barry, you see the good in everyone. Even evil people like Nimbus. That's what makes you special. That's why you being the savior of this city is so special, because the people of this city know that they can always rely on you, no matter the odds," Joe says.

"Barry, the responsibility that you have taken upon yourself to be the savior of this city is a huge one. And trust me, this will not be the first time someone will die either directly by your hands or indirectly through your actions.

And the only way you will be able to overcome this guilt that you are feeling is by knowing that every day, you are saving hundreds more people, giving them hope, and bringing joy to their lives.

You were chosen to be a hero, Barry." Joe says.