Hazbin Hotel: Another Adam

"It's me!" Mimzy's voice was rather squeaky, and from the way she sang, I could conclude that she was an amateur. Not at all comparable to what those two were just doing. "It's me! Mimzy-y-y-y!" Well, of course, who would doubt it, her self-importance is off the charts. Sometimes I regret that in my past life, I was so bad at that until... well, you remember...

"Who?" Lucifer exclaimed in surprise, looking at the small sinner with such a dreary expression, as if she had just confessed her hatred for his favorite rubber duck. Which is not surprising, since Mimzy had interrupted his and the radio demon's song duel at the most inopportune moment, thereby essentially saving the young deer's ass, because Luci, getting carried away, would have definitely punched him in the face, so hard that he wouldn't have been able to smile for a week. And I would have gladly watched that! And no, not out of malice, I was just curious to see the true power of my winged "friend."

"Didn't you hear me?!" Now the heroine of this melodrama rolled her eyes. Yes, yes, the evil Luci dispelled the whole atmosphere that the little puffball was so carefully building up. Oh, that evil King of Hell, isn't he? Didn't let a woman show off properly! "What's everyone staring at?" Finally, it dawned on her that she wasn't the only star here, and that literally all the hotel's residents (including me, albeit under invisibility) were standing and looking at her as if she were a leper. Well, of course! Just imagine the scene: two "fucking strong dudes," one of whom is the King of Hell himself, and the other—one of the most powerful overlords, are bickering with each other to cheerful music, and then, fuck, some unknown "plus-sized" madam with an ego the size of Cleopatra's kicks the door down and bursts into this "mess," causing everyone's brain to explode with her brazen, provocative behavior! Pure surrealism. "Because I'm a cutie?" But Mimzy, it seems, drew slightly wrong conclusions from everyone's astonishment and, deciding that everyone was just delighted with her irresistible beauty, immediately struck some "sexy" pose, puffing out her chest... Ah, who the fuck am I kidding? She drew absolutely, fundamentally wrong conclusions! At all! In the canon, as I recall, it was mentioned that "in her prime" she looked quite attractive. Well, looking at this typical representative of the radfem community from my world, who also behaves so… provocatively and vulgarly, I had only one, single, irresistible desire—to slam my head against the nearest wall with all my might. Just so I wouldn't have to see this bullshit.

(Author's Note: "Radfem" is short for "radical feminism." Radical feminism is a current of feminism that calls for radical changes in society to eliminate patriarchy and male supremacy. Radical feminists believe that society is patriarchal, one where men dominate women.)

"Mimzy!" The only character who didn't seem to be flabbergasted by this turn of events was Alastor. And me, of course, where would you be without me. I had anticipated this crap from the beginning; canon is canon.

"Alastor!" They walked towards each other, and, what a miracle, there was real, genuine joy on their faces, as if they were really old friends who hadn't seen each other in a hundred years… Hmm… Very, very unusual. "My sweet little cupcake!" I almost choked on air at that address. "Sweet little cupcake"? Seriously?! This deer? And yes, our "strawberry pimp" didn't even flinch! "It's good to see you!" After which they hugged. Okay, now I've completely stopped understanding anything. I already mentioned that lately I've become quite good at reading the locals, noticing their hidden motives, lies, and all that other crap, remember? But right now… right now I didn't see a single drop of falsehood! As if they were really old, good friends who hadn't seen each other in a hell of a long time and missed each other… Or has Alastor honed his acting skills so much that he can deceive even me? Okay, I'll pretend that this is exactly what I expected from them, yes… "How's life? Good? Good!" After the hug, Mimzy started playing the socialite again, very… provocatively… swaying her hips and gesticulating actively. "Listen, I was just passing by, heard you were doing some business here, so I decided to drop in, you know, say hello, like in the good old days…" All this time, she didn't stop making some stupid faces, trying, apparently, to portray "coquettishness." Did she, by any chance, work in some provincial theater in her life? Her acting is really shitty.

"Of course, my dear, everyone is welcome here!" Alastor replied, playing the role of the "hospitable host." Or not playing, who the hell knows now. After seeing their "friendly hug," I'm not sure about anything anymore.

"Oh, how sweet!" Charlie finally came to her senses, approaching with a sweet smile, wanting to start a conversation with what she apparently thought was a new guest. "So you two know each other?"

"Oh yes, we've known each other for a long time," Mimzy smiled, giving Alastor a friendly hug, who didn't seem to mind her touch at all. "We moved in the same circles in life," the little puffball paraded over to Charlie and, in a conspiratorial whisper that was audible throughout the hall, began to "gossip." "This guy used to come to the club where I performed a lot." I immediately imagined the scene: a young Alastor, still alive, in some smoky jazz club of the 30s… Drinking, then "picking up" girls and dismembering them in the nearest woods, after which he calmly goes to work to host the news on the radio… Yeah, no matter how "kind" our reindeer seems, he's still a fucking maniacal killer. I'd like to know what the hell he did it all for… "Only he could down whiskey like a sailor and keep up with me on the dance floor," she tried to imitate some dance, awkwardly jerking her leg back and forth...

Listening to her nonsense, I suddenly realized that I knew very little about our horned manager (or whatever he is), and about most sinners in general. I remembered this scene from the cartoon, but to be honest, I never gave a damn who Alastor was in life. What the hell difference does it make if he's already "roasting" in Hell anyway (By the way, maybe I should introduce such a practice here?)? (Author's Note: once upon a time, about 8-9 years ago, I read a fanfic where these symbols were constantly found: ?)? I can't imagine what was going on in the author's head, but here, a ReFeReNcE!) But on the other hand, knowing a person's sins… or rather, a sinner's, his past, his motivation… it would be easier to find an approach to him and help him atone… Damn, I don't have enough hands for everything! And all my girls are already busy with all sorts of important crap, like endless training, patrols, and protecting the cities of Heaven. It seems I'll have to seriously think about improving that ritual for turning angels into exorcists, so that the guys don't have their… well, you know what, fall off. Because I could really use some warriors right now. And for some reason, I also remembered the name of that poor guy on whom it was first discovered that the procedure burns off your dick… Fuck, and he, apparently, is still living somewhere in Heaven… And his name is Hap…

"Oh, a woman of many talents," Alastor interrupted my thoughts, apparently deciding to play along with his old acquaintance. "Hoho, you should have seen her in her prime…" the radio demon said, indulging in nostalgia. Oh, so young, and already nostalgic about something. And who's the old fart after this, huh? I know you people, you'll definitely blame the poor progenitor of humanity for all mortal sins, because "how dare he date young girls?". Ptooey on you, you bores!

"Hey!" the aforementioned "woman of talent" protested. "Watch your tongue, you creepy hat." There it is again, what the fuck is she talking about? What damn hat, if Alastor, as far as I know, never wears headgear? Is this some kind of inside joke of theirs? Or do I have vision problems? And this strangeness about the "hat" only manifested itself because he met a sinner who knew him when he was alive… "I'm still in my prime!" she "sexily" adjusted her clothes again… I have no words… after which she finally deigned to notice that the fucking King of Hell was in the room. No, seriously, what's with her ego? Or her powers of observation? Or both at once? "Oh, my stars! Is that Lucifer!?" she slowly approached him, unceremoniously pushing Pentious, who was standing in her way and, poor guy, had no idea why, out of the way. "A pleasure to meet you, Your Majesty!" she bowed elegantly, as she thought, completely ignoring Lucifer, whose eye was already twitching openly despite his strained smile. He was clearly not thrilled at the prospect of talking to another annoying sinner. Oh, if only she knew how many similar "pleasant" conversations he'd had over the millennia… "Alastor," she turned and whispered to her friend, who, like a faithful dog, was already next to them, "A girl needs to be warned about the presence of such individuals!"

"Must be starstruck?" Lucifer latched onto Alastor's friend's behavior, trying to deflect her interest and get out of there as quickly as possible.

"As much as I'd love to chat," the deer nevertheless approached them, along with a suddenly beaming Charlie (probably because her daddy finally stopped arguing with her horned friend), "Charlie and I have to continue the tour!"

"I'm sure Charlie can show me everything herself," Lucifer tried to get rid of the unpleasant young man, literally dragging his daughter away from him.

"Nonsense!" Nevertheless, the brazen sinner moved into Lucifer's shadow again and, emerging from it, stopped the King of Hell, brazenly taking over "control of Charlie" for himself. "We started this hotel together, and we'll show it together, right, Charlie?" he asked her with a smirk like a complete asshole, a question that could only be answered with "yes." Fucking manipulator.

"Of course," she smiled a little nervously, clearly not wanting another argument in her "abode of redemption."

"Let the others keep you company," Alastor turned to his friend. "I'll be back before you know it," after which, with a triumphant smirk at Lucifer, he went with the cheerful company of two royals and one fallen… Angel? Angel-ess? Angelina? Okay, definitely not the last one. In short, Vaggie went with them too, is that clearer?

"Well then, where are the drinks for the ladies?" the brazen puffball didn't seem at all upset by this turn of events. "Wow, is that you, Husker?" she noticed, or rather pretended to notice the bartender just now. He, in response, could only growl tiredly and irritably. "I see you're still serving Alastor whiskey, ha, classic!" She sat down at the bar, playfully resting her elbows on the counter. "How's life, furball?"

"Good!" the bartender said with such feigned enthusiasm that even I almost believed him. "It was, five minutes ago," now he was back to his usual sullen and gloomy self. Well, he's trying to joke, definitely developing, progress is evident!

But I was no longer listening to their meaningless chatter. While Lucifer and his company were retreating deeper into the hotel, I decided it was time for me to have some fun too. When they disappeared from the hall, and Charlie, turning around, was just about to start her story about the hotel, I quickly and silently teleported into the corridor right in front of them and, with the most unperturbed look, disabling my invisibility, I leaned lazily against the wall.

clap-clap-clap

"Excellent performance…" I said, slowly and sarcastically applauding, looking directly at a stunned Lucifer. "For a clown like you…"

"Adam? What the hell are you doing here?" Our eternally depressive duck-lover was inflamed with righteous anger. "Hanging around my daughter again, you pervert?!" he immediately stepped forward, looking me defiantly in the eyes, but I had a very weighty trump card up my sleeve for this occasion.

"Dad!" Charlie immediately blocked his path. "We've already discussed this! Don't you dare talk to Adam like that!" she stood between us, trying to calm her raging father.

"..." I silently, with the most innocent smile, wink at Luci and stick my tongue out at him. Oh, yes! He's starting to shake with anger, the old fart! Ha! I love pissing him off! Though what the hell was that about a "pervert"? God, what a fool this man… Seraph… Fuck, how I hate this division into "sinners/angels/humans/dick-on-a-platter"! He's a man, that's it, I don't care that he's not a man in the literal sense of the word!

"Charlie, he doesn't belong here… He's dangerous!" Lucifer began, but he apparently knows his own daughter and her stubborn character very poorly.

"Father, Adam is good, he helped me a lot, please don't speak ill of him." Under her father's completely surprised gaze, she began to praise me… Yes, yes, baby, keep going! I'm really good! "I know you had… disagreements before, but now I have a chance to prove the very possibility of redemption! Dad, this is very, very important to me, please, just don't lose it. Please…"

"Char-char, I… Okay, yes, I really did behave a little badly," Lucifer was embarrassed and, to my complete astonishment, took on a slightly guilty look. "Adam, I'm sorry." And now he looked at me. Seriously?! Fuck, for ten thousand years this asshole never once apologized to me for all the shit he'd done, and now the mere presence of his daughter was enough for him to suddenly become so "understanding"?! His apology, of course, looks pathetic, but the fact itself!

No, to be honest, I didn't care anymore. As I said, Adam's memory, although it became mine, was perceived as a watched movie or cartoon, not a real part of my past, so I didn't feel anything particularly bad towards Luci. Except for an unhealthy urge to constantly mock and tease him, of course. You can't take that away from me.

"Pfft, let's start with 'I'm sorry'? Come on, whatever. Fuck you, you apathetic asshole, we'll discuss this later," I say, rolling my eyes, catching Charlie's pleading gaze.

"Kiddo, don't make that sad face, I said we'll sort out our business later. Not in front of you, of course."

"..." Now she made eyes like Puss in Boots from Shrek… God, what an adorable creature! Impossible to resist!

At that moment, I notice Husk discreetly tugging Alastor by the shoulder, and after a few short, quiet phrases, they quickly retreat into another corridor. Well, so be it, all the better for me, fewer people—more oxygen. And I didn't want that deer to hear our further conversation anyway.

"And don't make eyes at me, you have a girlfriend, you know," Ha, take that! After that, she'll definitely stop bothering me, at least for the next five minutes.

"Ahem, Charlie, dear," apparently, our snake-man in a hat had managed to imagine in his head how his beloved daughter was making eyes at me and decided to change this dangerous topic as quickly as possible. "Why don't you continue your tour…?"

"Um, of course…"