Hogwarts: I, Tangmu, Am Really Not the Dark Lord

Nighttime snacking was awkward if caught—but meeting fellow "culinary adventurers" eased the sting. So it was for Tangmu Lideer and two redheaded intruders.

After stunned silence, identical grins bloomed on the twins' faces as they strode over, chuckling.

"What a coincidence!"

"Fancy meeting Slymerin's new Snake."

"Lideer, you're the first…"

"…outside Hufflepuff…"

"…to find the kitchen's secret so fast!"

Their words flowed seamlessly, a choreographed act.

Tangmu raised a brow. "You two must have a psychic link."

The twins exchanged amused glances, pleased.

"I'm Fulei."

"I'm Qiaozhi."

"Both Weishilei!"

"I'm Tangmu Lideer," he replied, studying them. "The Weishilei Twins… Imozhen Fei'erlisi gripes about you constantly. Hard not to know you."

Imozhen Fei'erlisi, Slymerin's fifth-year prefect, suffered enough from them to make them her frequent complaint.

"Tsk," Fulei sighed dramatically. "He was insulting us. Colorfully, too."

"Just a Dungbomb in his bag," Qiaozhi added indignantly. "Some people are petty."

"Exactly, Qiaozhi—but wait, I'm Fulei. You swapped names."

"Idiot, you said Qiaozhi first."

"Did I?"

Tangmu chuckled. They lived up to their reputation—Hogwarts' lifeblood.

"Lideer," Fulei leaned in conspiratorially. "You broke a record."

"A record?" Tangmu asked, intrigued.

"First Muggle-born in Slymerin in… a decade," Qiaozhi said.

"Probably more," Fulei nodded.

"That?" Tangmu seemed let down. "I knew that. Thirty-two years. The last one vanished post-graduation. Rumor says a Dark wizard killed him."

More than rumor—the original Tangmu Lideer killed him, likely to prove pure-blood loyalty or preserve Slymerin's "purity."

The twins wanted a juicier reaction. Fulei pressed, "No bullying in Slymerin? With those snooty types?"

"None," Tangmu waved off. "My roommates are great. We get along."

He wouldn't admit to outsiders how he "domesticated" Laisi Zhasini, Saiodo Luosiai, and Kasal Nuote through manipulation (Chapters 16–26).

The twins stared, incredulous, then concluded silently: Lideer was hiding his misery. Made sense.

House-elves brought their snacks.

Chatting freely, Fulei and Qiaozhi were Hogwarts lore encyclopedias—tunnels, quirks, passages. Tangmu gleaned much.

They knew he was extracting information but didn't mind.

A first-year matching their wit, dodging pranks, and jabbing back was rare—more entertaining than their younger brother.

Parting in the entrance hall, they were pleased. The twins vowed:

"If Slymerins bully you, find us."

"We'll make them smell like Dungbombs for a week."

Tangmu chuckled. Not help—just an excuse to prank.

Friday morning, term's first week ended. A restful weekend awaited.

Slymerin and Gryffindor had a double Potions period.

Tangmu and Dafuni Gelingelasi headed to the dungeon classroom, passing Sifu's office. Tangmu glanced at it.

He thought stealing would be easy (Chapters 24–25) until an older student revealed: Sifu's quarters connected to his office.

Breaking in at night? Disastrous.

Tangmu bided his time, waiting for Sifu's absence.

At nine, the bell rang.

Sifu swept in—robe billowing, steps sharp, silencing the room. Gryffindors and Slymerins stiffened.

Tangmu leaned away, wary of Sifu's greasy hair.

Sifu's dark eyes scanned, pausing on Tangmu, longer on Halili Butei.

Taking the roster, he began roll call, stopping at Halili's name.

"Oh, yes… Butei," he drawled. "Our new… celebrity."

Mafoi and cronies snorted, muffling laughter.

The tone, the expression—Tangmu saw Halili, wary of hype, sense worse coming.

[^1]: In the Wizarding World, Potions, taught by Sifu, crafts magical brews. Dungbombs are prank items causing foul smells.