I Accidentally Got Isekai'd To Teyvat!

You know that moment when you're supposed to meet someone on the road, and the plot's like "nah bro, side quest activated"? Yeah. That's exactly what happened.

We were walking. Just walking. Like normal people. No explosions, no sudden sword fights, no giant laser wombats from the Abyss (thank the Archons). It was just me, Lumine, Nilou, and Paimon taking a stroll like some knock-off version of a hiking club that lost the brochure.

"We were supposed to find Tighnari along the way," I said, cracking my neck like a cool anime protagonist. You know, the kind that definitely doesn't have a plan. "But man... the plot changes."

Paimon floated behind me, half-sulking, half-judging. "You say that like you're the one writing it."

"Maybe I am," I winked. (I'm not. Probably.)

Nilou was blinking innocently like she was waiting for the lore to make sense. I felt that. I really did.

"Remember back in the teapot," I said, turning around mid-walk and walking backwards like the dramatic idiot I am, "where I explained that Nahida is trapped somewhere in a salad room?"

"Salad... room?" Nilou tilted her head, confused as ever.

Lumine, goddess-tier queen that she is, just nodded. "Yeah. I saw it."

She sounded like a veteran war soldier talking about lettuce.

"I mean, it wasn't literally a salad," I explained, waving my hand like a chef about to throw cabbage at someone. "It just looked like one. There were greens everywhere. Vines, glowing lights, a suspicious smell of cilantro. It was like she got trapped in a vegan fever dream."

Nilou blinked faster. "So... salad."

Paimon folded her arms. "He's trying to say it was a consciousness prison."

"Thank you, floating snack expositor," I bowed slightly. "Yes, Nahida got trapped in a salad—er, mind prison. And Dottore? That mechanical jerk? Found a way to isolate her consciousness."

"That Mecha," Lumine said suddenly. "What was that thing?"

"Oh ho ho," I grinned, doing a dramatic turn like I was about to drop the deepest lore ever.

"Here we go..." Paimon muttered.

"That," I said, pointing a finger at the sky like I just discovered gravity, "was the All-Knowing God Bullshit Machine, trademark pending. It runs on ego, quantum lies, and the screams of interns. Possibly salad dressing too. I haven't confirmed."

Nilou was now 80% lost, 20% trying to keep up with my genius.

"So Nahida won't be able to accompany us anymore," I added, trying to be a little serious for a second. "At least not while her mind is trapped. We've got to do this without her."

For a beat, everyone went quiet.

Then—

"Hey."

I turned, recognizing the leafy smell of discipline and botany before I even saw the guy.

"Tighnari!" I said like I summoned him with my thoughts. Maybe I did. I'm not saying I'm a god, but you know.

He walked over, arms crossed. "I heard what happened. Are you all alright?"

I snorted. "Bro. They couldn't hold a candle to us."

Paimon squinted at me. "You almost tripped again after fighting a bunch of Eremites like a headless chicken."

I clicked my tongue. "It was part of the plan, obviously. Tactical stumble. To confuse them."

Lumine gave me a look. You know the one. The "You're lucky you're pretty" look.

Tighnari looked at me like I just confessed to eating his research notes. "...Right."

"Oh!" I slapped my forehead. "Wait! Right! Tighnari, we need something from you!"

He raised an eyebrow. "This isn't going to be weird again, is it?"

"No promises," I grinned. "But listen up—this is super important."

Tighnari blinked. "Alright, what do you need?"

I opened my mouth, dramatic monologue prepared like I was about to drop a celestial prophecy—only for Paimon to yeet herself right into the moment.

"We came here to ask you a question!" she declared. "What do you know about the project the sages have been working on?"

...I blinked.

"I—okay wow," I muttered, arms dropping to my sides. "No build-up? No ominous violin in the background? Just... straight to the plot bomb?"

Nilou giggled. "You'll get the next dramatic line, Shigeru."

"I better," I grumbled.

Tighnari gave her a very botanical nod. "Ah, that... While I was indeed invited to join that project, the sages were always secretive about its scope and goals, so I eventually declined."

"Good," I muttered. "Because if you'd joined them, we'd have to beat you up. And Greg would cry."

Greg (still perched on my shoulder like a judgmental head ornament) blinked slowly and gave a soft "grrruuuh," which I interpreted as agreement or indigestion.

"All I know," Tighnari continued, "is that the project has something to do with the restoration of Irminsul."

Lumine crossed her arms. "I think I know what the project is about. I just received some new intel."

Paimon gasped. "Oh right! The one you saw when you were in Nahida's body! And the one Shigeru explained but made it even more complicated somehow!"

"HEY," I barked. "My explanations are high-level. I'm basically the theorist equivalent of spicy noodles—only for elite brains. Peasants fear what they don't understand."

There was silence.

"...Did you just compare yourself to noodles?" Lumine asked, blinking slowly.

"Yes. Spicy noodles," I replied proudly.

"Should we be worried?" Nilou whispered to Paimon.

"Extremely," Paimon deadpanned. "The last time he started comparing himself to food, he almost tripped off a balcony."

"I did not!" I yelled.

Lumine looked up at Greg sitting on my head.

The lizard stared back in visible disappointment.

"...Even Greg looks like he gave up," she muttered.

"HE'S ALWAYS LIKE THAT!" I waved my hand dramatically. "It's just his face!"

Lumine ignored me with practiced grace. "The Akademiya is... turning the Balladeer into a god."

"JUST LIKE I SAID A WHILE AGO," I declared, throwing my arms in the air. "THANK YOU. THE FLOOR RECOGNIZES THE GENIUS."

"What!?" Paimon shrieked.

Tighnari looked like someone had just handed him a mushroom that whispers blasphemy. "...Do you have any evidence?"

Lumine nodded. "I saw a 'nascent god' under construction. Haypasia also showed us a so-called divine consciousness."

At this point, I wanted to interject with another glorious metaphor but decided to let Lumine have her big info drop. She was on a roll.

She explained what she saw—more vivid this time. The floating mechanical cocoon, the interwoven code of dreams and delusion, the swirling cluster of what looked like corrupted ley line data surrounding a faux god fetus like it was plugged into a sentient WiFi router made by evil apple trees.

Honestly, it was impressive. She made it sound less like a salad and more like a cursed motherboard.

Tighnari rubbed his temples. "Hm. So that's what happened... That explains why Haypasia's symptoms were different from the other scholars who went mad. It's because she made contact with the consciousness of a new god still in the process of being born."

Paimon floated closer. "Tighnari, did you leave the Avidya Forest because of Haypasia?"

"I did," he said. "I noticed Haypasia's mental anomalies, but since her symptoms were atypical, I secretly took her to Pardis Dhyai. If I hadn't acted, she would've been taken by the matra to the desert, doomed to exile at Aaru Village."

Nilou gasped. "That's awful... They treat people like that?"

"Yes," I said. "The Akademiya's motto is basically 'Feelings? We don't know her.'"

Greg made a soft, judgmental burp.

Tighnari continued, "Now that you mention it, I knew the Akademiya never thought particularly highly of Lesser Lord Kusanali, but... I still didn't expect them to do something as arrogant as creating a new god. Looks like I made the right decision by not accepting their invitation."

"You think?" I raised a brow. "You narrowly avoided being on the list of People I Would've Drop-Kicked. You're safe. For now."

Lumine added, "The Fatui is also behind some of this."

Tighnari's ears twitched. "The Doctor and the Balladeer... Two Harbingers in Sumeru. Sounds like we're in for a bad time."

"Nooo," I said, throwing on my most sarcastic voice. "I'm sure they're here for a bake sale."

Tighnari sighed. "From your description, I don't think they've completed their project yet. There may still be time to intervene. But then, what is the connection between creating a new god and restoring Irminsul?"

"That," I said, "is what we in the business call a Mystery Plot Hook. Step one: panic. Step two: desert."

Paimon crossed her arms. "Yeah, it feels like we're still nowhere close to figuring out the sages' actual goals."

"Classic villain move," I nodded. "Step three is probably monologuing while dramatically pointing at a star map."

Lumine placed a hand on her sword. "Let's head to the desert. We must stop them, no matter what."

Paimon nodded. "Right! We've pretty much gone over everything. What about you, Tighnari?"

"I'll stay here," he said. "I still want to try a few more things to help Haypasia. If you're heading into the desert, go to Caravan Ribat. Fastest route."

He gave us a parting nod. "Come find me here if you need anything else. May the spirit of wisdom go with you."

"Thanks, Tighnari!" Paimon waved. "Hopefully Haypasia will feel better soon! We're off, then!"

And so, it was us five idiots—Lumine, Paimon, Nilou, Greg, and yours truly—headed toward the land of hot sand and hot tempers. Actually, four idiots and one Goddess, if we count Nilou. Yeah, that sounds more accurate.

I stretched my arms dramatically, striking a heroic pose that was definitely ruined by my squeaky sandal.

"Alright," I said with a groan. "Time for the most annoying quest ever."

"To the desert we go!"

Greg croaked ominously.

***

Okay. So. Hear me out.

We were just walking. That's it. A nice desert stroll. Sun blazing, sand absolutely disrespecting my boots, and everyone trying to act normal like we didn't just fight for our lives two hours ago. I had sand in places I didn't even know existed. Greg was melting on my shoulder like a sad, scaled scarf.

But then—PING! Lightbulb moment. Big brain time.

I stopped dramatically mid-step. Everyone stopped too, probably thinking I was about to trip again. (Fair. My track record is shaky.)

"Now that you mention it," I said, turning toward Nilou like a character in a romance anime who's about to confess a life-altering secret. "Goddess—yes, that's your new full-time title—you're really gonna travel with us now, right? Like full-time chaos, no refunds, probably getting chased by Fatui, Aranara, and occasionally my responsibilities?"

Nilou blinked, then smiled like sunshine decided to take human form. "Yes, I'd love to. I've always wanted to see more of the world."

Lumine side-eyed me. "Does she... really know what she's getting into?"

Paimon crossed her arms, hovering like the sassiest warning label in the world. "No takebacks once you're on this ride."

Greg blinked slowly. That's his way of saying "You poor, beautiful soul."

And me? I grinned. Full teeth. Possibly unhinged.

"Then before we head into the Desert of Doom—let's take the Goddess to the teapot!"

Lumine sighed. "Please tell me you're not calling it that again."

"I will continue to call it that until it becomes canon. Or until I die. Whichever comes first."

Teapot Realm: The Vibe Palace

BOOM. Portal opens. Cherry blossom petals? Floating. Light breeze? Engaged. Slight smell of snacks? Debatable.

Nilou stepped through and gasped. "It's beautiful...!"

"Welcome," I said, arms wide. "To the grandest realm this side of Teyvat. Also known as the place where koi come to ascend."

We walked by my pond. Keyword: my. Also keyword: suspicious.

Nilou: "...Are they supposed to float like that?"

Lumine: "They've been dead since last month."

Me: "Art. It's performance art. Definitely not me forgetting to feed them."

Lumine just sighs. "Seriously?"

I raise my hand solemnly. "It's all about immersion. Artistic symbolism. You wouldn't understand."

Nilou folds her arms, clearly unimpressed. "You just forgot again, didn't you?"

I rub the back of my neck, sighing like a man who's seen too much. "Define... 'again.'"

I look away, pretending to find something fascinating in the empty air. My fingers twitch lightly against my coat.

I can already feel it coming—the teasing, the barrage of questions, the never-ending judgment from the floating gremlin.

Paimon hovered closer and whispered, "Paimon's surprised you're not passing out around Nilou anymore."

I looked at her like I just disarmed a bomb.

"I've been resetting myself every time I'm about to faint. Like a tactical self-reboot."

"You WHAT?!"

"My heartbeat's still at 300 bpm though."

Paimon grabbed my wrist, checked it, then slowly turned to me with a face full of horror.

"...It actually is."

We moved into the mansion before I had a full emotional crash.

First glance? Beautiful. Second glance? Still beautiful.

Third glance?

That one couch leg? Yeah, it's missing because I thought jumping on it mid-celebration was a good idea. I said it was worth it. No regrets—until it tilted and threw me onto the floor the next day. So now? It's a being supported by a broken sword from a spiral abyss rage session acting. I told them it's for "aesthetic." Said it adds character. Lumine just sighed and walked away. Still stylish. Still vibing. And Greg's throne? On the ceiling. Right over the fireplace. Like royalty meets chaos.

Nilou stared. "Why is the throne there?"

Greg, from above: "Grruh."

Me: "He said it helps him monitor my mistakes."

We toured the rest.

Nilou: "Do you all have your own rooms?"

Everyone: "Yes."

Nilou: "Where do you all sleep?"

Everyone pointed at my room. Even Greg. With his tail.

Nilou tilted her head like this was the most normal question in the world. "Do you sleep beside Shigeru too?"

Lumine, without missing a beat, nodded. "Of course. I do."

She said it so casually, as if it were a universal truth—like gravity or the sky being blue.

Nilou blinked, tilting her head the other way. "Ah... okay then."

Nobody questioned it. Not even me, the idiot in question.

She nodded. Like it was already decided.

My soul? Momentarily left the building.

Later at The Garden of Aesthetics & Mild Fire Hazards

We prepared a welcome party for Nilou.

I was banned from the kitchen.

Again.

Lumine: "Last time you almost created a second sun."

Me: "That was one time. And it was barely a sun."

Paimon was setting the table under our beautiful sakura tree, looking like the ultimate cutlery general. Nilou helped prepare the drinks and decorated the table.

And me? I was there for the vibes.

Lumine: "You're useless at housework."

Me: "I'm the moral support. The backbone of this dinner."

Greg sat on a stack of books and glared at me like even he could cook better. He probably could.

We all gathered and ate. It was delicious, of course, because Lumine is a goddess in the kitchen. Nilou's laughter echoed through the garden like glitter.

I, in a stroke of genius, decided to climb the roof mid-dinner. Don't ask me why. Probably thought I was cool. Probably trying to be poetic under the moon.

I slipped.

Almost fell face-first into my noodles.

Lumine: Deadpan.

Paimon: Facepalm.

Greg: Silent, judgmental tail wiggle.

Nilou? She laughed.

Totally worth it.

Back at the table, Nilou looked around, smiling warmly like this was where she belonged all along.

"Thank you," she said. "For accepting me as your traveling companion."

Lumine gave her a rare gentle smile. "Welcome aboard."

Paimon: "We're happy to have you!"

Greg climbed on top of her head and perched like a judgmental, scaly crown.

I nearly fainted again.

Managed to slam my hand on the table. Reboot. Survived.

Raised a thumbs up.

"You're always welcome, Goddess," I wheezed.

And we partied until the stars came out, and Greg fell asleep on the roof, and I was banned from trying to light candles after I almost set the tree on fire.

Just another totally normal day in the Teapot Realm.

__________________

End of Chapter 111

Quests Completed:

*Learn the truth behind the Akademiya's secret god project and determine the connection to Irminsul.

*Bring Nilou to the Teapot Realm and ensure she doesn't immediately regret joining the party.

*Hold a peaceful dinner party without catastrophic destruction.

*Attempt to pass off a couch being supported by a sword as "aesthetic design."

*Answer Nilou's innocent inquiry: "Do you all sleep beside Shigeru too?"

*Process high-tier exposition and emotional revelations while keeping myself conscious.

Rewards:

*New Companion Unlocked: Nilou – Goddess Tier Dancer of Chaos

*Furniture Upgrade (Broken Couch with Sword Leg Support)

*Greg's Trust +1

*Lore Absorption +15%

*Chaos Quotient Increased (We added another goddess to your teapot and survived a dinner party without divine smiting. +3 to Confidence, +50 to Overconfidence)

*+10 Affection with Nilou (she secretly finds it adorable)