I’m an Infinite Regressor, But I’ve Got Stories to Tell

WeTried Translations

Translator: ZERO_SUGAR

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The Suicidal II

After weighing every possibility from every angle, we chose Sim Ah-ryeon as the perfect partner for the Regressor's "pretend romance."

I decorated the classroom, Cheon Yo-hwa's personal sanctum, with mountains of flowers I had prepared in advance, then invited Ah-ryeon in.

"I love you. Please go out with me."

"…"

I was shot down at the speed of light.

Do you know when a human being reaches the utter depths of misery in this Solar System?

When they're broke? When they're sick? When their pinky toe slams into the corner of a desk? When a heated thread on SG Net mobs them with insults? When their dreams come crashing down?

Sorry, but none of those are the right answer.

The true answer is the instant—three seconds after you confess—to Sim Ah-ryeon, that knock-off Saintess of the North, that hateful name, and get rejected on the spot.

"Ah… uh… ugh……"

I collapsed flat onto the classroom floor and trembled. If an amoeba had seen me, it would have rejoiced at finding its long-lost relative, my movements were that pitiful.

"Huwaaaaaaah!"

"W-whoa, you scared me."

Thud!

Ah-ryeon flinched as I suddenly flipped over and smashed my head against the floor.

"W-why are you doing that, Guild Leader? Even if a cockroach popped out, you should swat it with your palm, not your forehead."

"I see. Then may I take your advice and headbutt something once, Ah-ryeon?"

"Eh."

For the record, Oh Dok-seo, Lee Ha-yul, and Cheon Yo-hwa were already rolling around at the back of the room like human vacuum cleaners.

Their laughter was pure noise pollution. Narratively, I wanted to mute it.

But I couldn't ignore the sight of Ha-yul stumbling upright, scribbling [hahahahaha] in her sketchbook, tumbling again, then standing to scrawl [hahahahahahaha] on a fresh sheet.

"She, she dumped him! He just got rejected by Ah-ryeon unni!"

"Pffft-phuh-khya-hahaha!"

[hahaha haha]

"Just yesterday he boasted, 'Ah-ryeon will say yes without me even asking, so there's nothing to worry about!'"

"Kkyeut, hu-ha, hu-huf-huf."

[hahahahahaha ha haha]

"Dumped… in three seconds flat!"

"Eek-huf, hoo-ha, huf, hahaha!"

"The Undertaker's first confession in his entire life! The first time in the Regressor's tens of thousands of years that those words crossed his lips! 'I love you! Please date me!' And the target waaas… Sim Ah-ryeon! And yet… he got dog-level dumped."

"Hit-hik, stop, it's too… too funny, I-I'm dying…! He even timed it for her birthday… Decorated the entire classroom with nothing but mountain lilies! Honestly, collecting those lilies probably took way longer than the three-second rejection—hik, hit…"

[haha ha ha ha ha]

"…"

Those bastards. Die. Please. Just die.

No, what needed to die wasn't them, but me. My damned brain.

More precisely, this moment, forever taxidermied into my soul as a record of the 1,000th cycle, needed to disappear.

"Fine. It's my fault. I'm just a fundamentally flawed being. I'll go see Udumbara right now and reset this regressor life. Don't stop me. I'll just live the thousandth cycle one more time."

[hahahahahahahahaha]

"F-fact is… Mister, we already defeated Udumbara in this run, so you have to wait until next cycle to delete your abilities."

"I'll kill myself."

"Huf, a regressor who commits suicide over being dumped by Sim Ah-ryeon! Wow. Has any other regressor ever died for such a magnificent reason? I-I don't think so, Sunbae… You're writing a brand-new chapter in regressor history!"

[hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha]

Why?

This was supposed to be the vacation cycle, the one designed to take care of my mental health. So how did my mindset get wrecked instead? Where did it all go wrong?

"Mm. Hmmm."

While pandemonium erupted on all sides, only Sim Ah-ryeon tilted her head in her usual calm.

"U-um, Guild Leader. Could you please explain what's going on…?"

I explained everything.

"Ah. So, in other words: one day, after preventing the end of the world, you'd finally be free to date, but seeing the current chaos you've realized you're afraid of the karmic blowback. Therefore, before entering the 'ending cycle' you want to learn how to handle that karma, that hate, that aggro in advance. Step one of the plan is to pretend to date me, check how everyone reacts, and devise concrete countermeasures—figure out whether they'll back down gracefully if you've got a partner, or, if not, exactly what kind of incident they'll cause. Is that right?"

"Yeah…"

"Ehehe. G-Guild Leader, you're seriously trash!"

"Those punks bamboozled me!"

I pointed to the back of the room, where the "Oh-Cheon-Ha" trio were pouring juice for one another, patting themselves on the back for masterminding such an amusing scheme.

"I didn't even plan on doing this! But Cheon Yo-hwa! And Oh Dok-seo! They egged each other on and slyly gaslit me!"

"Mm."

Ah-ryeon didn't even turn to look at them, she just hmm-ed and cocked her head.

"C-certainly, if it were confirmed that you and I were dating… an enormous amount of aggro would pour in. Hup. Just thinking about it makes my mouth water with anticipation…"

"That's one of the reasons I chose you."

Sim Ah-ryeon was a notorious attention addict, a mutant who actually felt ecstasy when others showered her with hatred, contempt, and resentment.

"Since things are already ruined, let me ask frankly: why did you dump me the moment you heard the confession?"

"Eh."

Ah-ryeon made a complicated face.

"W-well, dating you means I'd have to care about clothes and hair and stuff… and you'd probably interfere with my lifestyle habits too… It sounds… bothersome."

"Hmm."

Congratulations, Ah-ryeon.

This Guild Leader's psyche rarely gets scratched, but your words just carved wounds that will never wash away. Maybe I should quit being a healer and switch to a DPS.

"I l-like things just the way they are! No hassle, just leeching off you, Guild Leader… Ehehe. No matter who you date, I'll still be right here…"

"Yeah. That's just like you, but…?"

Huh? She'd stay the same no matter who I date?

Just as I was about to ask what she meant, Cheon Yo-hwa approached with a sunny grin.

"Come on, Sunbae, don't be so disappointed! Sure, your hobby is gathering the most mentally twisted people on the peninsula and stealing their hearts, but that hobby can still run into difficulties!"

"If you're trying to comfort me, could you at least wipe that huge smile off your face first, Yo-hwa?"

"Ah, sorry. Let me change the classroom motto real quick."

Yo-hwa borrowed a page from Ha-yul's sketchbook, climbed onto a desk, and altered the motto.

Needless to say, the motto now read only [hahahaha] in Ha-yul's elegant handwriting.

"Hoo-ah. Done! Now, Sunbae, let's discuss this seriously again."

"Seriously? After looking at that motto??"

"As you can see, Ms. Ah-ryeon is sadly out. Even if you dated her, I doubt Dang Seo-rin or the Saintess would take it seriously."

Cheon Yo-hwa pressed on.

"By the same logic, Ms. Dok-seo won't work either."

"Aw, why not! I'm totally date-able!"

"With Lee Ha-yul, people will just assume Sunbae's gone insane, so that's a double no."

[Objection noted.]

"Personally I'd love for you to date my cute little sister, but even if we spelled out that it was a fake relationship, she'd go completely off the rails. She'd spend all her brainpower just trying to knock you over, forgetting the entire operation."

Scribble, scribble.

Yo-hwa borrowed another sheet, once again transforming the ha into modern art, flipped to the blank backside, and wrote something.

"So, I recommend the following candidates."

I looked.

"…"

I raised my head and looked at Yo-hwa's face this time.

"Are you serious?"

"Yes."

"Wrong question. Are you sane?"

"Yes!"

"Let's drop it. Really. On reflection this was nonsense from the start. Yeah, that's it! I must have gone crazy for a moment because you hoodwinked me, Yo-hwa."

"Hm-hm."

Cheon Yo-hwa smiled with her eyes.

"Sounds easy, doesn't it, talking about people's feelings and consideration, spinning fancy words? But do you really think you're being considerate of anyone's feelings by just putting this off forever?"

"…"

"If you were an ordinary person, and the people around you were ordinary, you wouldn't need these worries. But we're Awakeners—each of us flirting with the level of Corruptor or Miko."

Yo-hwa shrugged.

"It's only because you keep calling us 'human' that we stay that way. If something snaps, we might act in ways we ourselves can't predict."

"What kind of actions…?"

"Ah-ah—The world has been saved!"

Yo-hwa adopted a theatrical tone.

"The Regressor lived! All his companions lived! Hurrah! But—huh, look at that. The regressor is pledging eternity to someone who's not me?"

"…"

"I'm pissed off? That's not a happy ending. I don't need a world like this, let's flip the board and start over again!"

"No, no matter how angry they are, that's…"

"And now, an interview."

Yo-hwa mimed a microphone with her hand and lunged at Sim Ah-ryeon, who squeaked and hid behind my back.

"Eek."

"Ms. Ah-ryeon. We'd like to do a quick interview. Will you oblige?"

"W-what is it?"

"Suppose this sunbae, your Guild Leader—swore to spend his life with someone who isn't you. How would you feel?"

"N-not really… I don't feel anything. That's the Guild Leader-nim's freedom…"

"But wait, the partner says she absolutely cannot have you anywhere nearby. She asked the Guild Leader to sort out the relationship, cut off contact, and gradually drift apart. Once you sense that, what would you do?"

"Ah, aah. T-talk! Cooperation! I'm really a worthless being! Please, let's compromise somehow…!"

"Ms. Ah-ryeon tries her best to propose compromises, but good grief."

Yo-hwa beamed.

"The partner absolutely refuses to accept any of it."

"Th-then… ah! Maybe just the internet or phone? Videocalls? Um, contacting only through remote means…?"

"No. Romantic feelings depend on distance, and behavior like yours, clinging to the Guild Leader at all hours, is intolerable. Distance means not only physical space but also KakaoTalk, messenger, every channel. The partner is a very nice person and understands your feelings and state completely, but the Guild Leader is hers now. She asks you to back off. What do you do?"

"Pardon? I'll… kill her."

'…'

"Eck."

"Eh?"

My gaze, Ah-ryeon's gaze, and our cracked voices crossed all at once.

"Uh. Ah-ryeon?"

"Y-yes?"

"Kill her? What do you mean?"

"Uh, w-well. You said there's no room for compromise… If I can't talk to it, it's not intelligent. And if something unintelligent—some object—blocks my path… then it's an obstacle, and obstacles have to be removed…"

"She's a person too!"

"Hmm. That's her claim…"

"I—the Guild Leader—think she's a person too!"

"Mm. Thinking that is your freedom, Guild Leader."

Ah-ryeon scrunched up her face and shut her eyes tight.

"I-I'm sorry! I don't want to be like this either! It's just… that's reality. To be an adult you have to accept reality. There's no helping it…"

"…"

Yo-hwa spun around and looked at me, utterly dazed.

"See?"

"O… oh."

"Sunbae, you tend to take your own romance too lightly. Thinking, 'I'll just decide after I see the ending,' and so on."

"So I've been too naïve?"

"Sunbae, you're trapped in a preconception. Whoever you date, whoever accepts your heart, is an endlessly secondary issue."

"Then what on earth is the essential issue?"

"It's that whoever you date must be someone who can tolerate Sim Ah-ryeon hanging around you for the rest of your life."

"…"

"Otherwise someone dies. One of the two of you."

Is this for real?

"You think only Ah-ryeon's like this? What about Ha-yul?"

Lee Ha-yul nodded and flipped her sketchbook with a blank face.

[I have already reached an agreement with Oppa.]

[Oppa is my family, and family members are beings who live together.]

[Since I belong to Oppa's family, a mere third party obviously cannot decide where I live.]

"…"

"As I said yesterday, Oh Dok-seo is the only one with normal sensibilities—at least regarding this issue."

"Eh? Uh, well, I'm just like Mister's kid sister, right? No need to actually live together. It's enough to meet up and shoot the breeze when I'm bored."

Hmm, Oh Dok-seo furrowed one eyebrow.

"But sometimes I'll crave the coffee or sandwiches you make. Oh, that's right! Mister! Just run a café! One only acquaintances can visit. Then I just drop by as a customer, drink coffee and eat sandwiches whenever I want, and leave! I can work on my novel there with my laptop. Kiyaah—amazing. Honestly, it's a perfect solution, right?"

"Sure. In someone's eyes that's a daily café date. You heard that shameless speech, right?"

"…"

"Amazingly, that stance will probably be among the most moderate viewpoints you'll encounter from here on out."

"…"

"So accept it."

Cheon Yo-hwa spread both arms wide and made a playful peek-a-boo pose.

"From now on, Sunbae, you have to find a partner who's fine with Sim Ah-ryeon hovering nearby, okay with Lee Ha-yul living together, and unbothered even if Oh Dok-seo barges in every single day!"

"Does such a person even exist!"

"No. That's why you have to look. Starting now, little by little, diligently, consistently, until you reach the regressor ending."

Silence.

After a long pause, I nodded.

"I see."

Regressor Undertaker's Ending No. 1: "Live single until death" – is highly probable!

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