Just A Friend

#32

Baek Heeyeon collapsed without even being able to answer. Nam Seonwoo quickly caught her and carefully laid her frail body on the floor. His fingertips trembled slightly, but he had quite a bit of experience with emergency treatment for collapsed students. Moreover, fragments of knowledge he had picked up at Kang Jihan’s hospital came flooding back. As he was unfastening her watch to prevent blood circulation issues and removing her cardigan, he noticed Kang Jihan frozen in place.

“Kang Jihan, hey!”

The sound of a slap rang out as he cupped Jihan’s cheeks, and Jihan’s wildly shaking eyes gradually focused on him. Looking straight into those desperately earnest eyes, Nam Seonwoo spoke emphatically:

“Pull yourself together and call for help first. Your mother will be fine.”

Kang Jihan, who had been staring at the face before him as if trying to engrave it in his memory, soon came to his senses and picked up his phone.

Though he pretended to be composed on the outside, Nam Seonwoo’s heart was racing just as much. Looking at Baek Heeyeon’s face, shadowed by death, Nam Seonwoo prayed inaudibly.

Please, let the past be something that can change.

* * *

After arriving at the hospital, everything proceeded smoothly.

The doctor, who quickly administered medication after scanning Baek Heeyeon’s brain, said it was a miracle that all these emergency procedures happened within just thirty minutes. The nurse said that there shouldn’t be any major aftereffects because they had secured the golden time, but they still couldn’t be completely at ease because the brain had temporarily stopped, so they needed to monitor her progress.

“They said we should keep her in the intensive care unit for a day for now. But…”

The nurse looked around and asked:

“Isn’t there any guardian other than the student?”

It was clear who the nurse was looking for. At the obvious question about her biological father, Kang Jihan remained silent. The nurse seemed to understand and nodded.

“Then call other family members if there are any. It’s about the hospital bills, and there’s a lot to explain, so it’s better if multiple people listen.”

Trying to suppress an inexplicable anger, Nam Seonwoo calmly replied:

“Please tell me.”

What’s so special about being family? He could be whatever was needed.

Seemingly taking Nam Seonwoo for a cousin or older relative due to his composed attitude, the nurse began a long explanation. From difficult terms like thrombolytic agents to necessary items for nursing care and hospital fees approaching ten million won. After noting down all the information pouring out, the nurse hurriedly left.

Kang Jihan slumped down in a chair. As he sat there looking a bit dazed, as if drained of strength, the image of Kang Jihan standing at his mother’s funeral overlapped in Nam Seonwoo’s mind.

Nam Seonwoo bit his lip. Whether it was because he remembered not being able to offer comfort back then, or simply because the nineteen-year-old Kang Jihan looked so small, he felt like he had to hug Jihan right now.

Whether they were friends or lovers didn’t matter at all right now. Unlike in the past, Nam Seonwoo moved as his heart dictated.

The shoulders he embraced with outstretched arms were as stiff as a breath held still.

“It’s okay. They said the prognosis is good because of the quick treatment.”

As he patted that rigid body as if to say “you’ve been through a lot,” a long sigh spilled over his shoulder. It was a breath so hot it could be felt through his clothes. And with each exhale, he could feel the stone-like body relaxing little by little.

He seemed to understand the conflict Jihan must be going through, beyond worrying about his mother. If he contacted his biological father, he could probably get the hospital bills paid, but Kang Jihan wouldn’t want to do that. However, it would be difficult for a high school student to come up with ten million won right away.

“About the hospital bills… let’s contact him. I told you, didn’t I? It’s something you should naturally receive. Well, if it really doesn’t work out, you can borrow from me. I’ll talk to my parents.”

As he was about to remove his arms, jokingly adding that he wouldn’t charge interest, a strong force constricted his lower back. It was a force so strong it almost took his breath away.

Through their tightly pressed chests, a loud heartbeat was transmitted. The clear and hot vibration, strong enough to shake his body, resembled the rumbling of the earth when lava erupts, making him feel as if he might be buried completely. But what actually spilled over his nape was just a small whisper, barely enough to tickle the fine hairs.

“How can I not…”

As if unable to swallow it even after holding his breath once, Kang Jihan murmured.

Like you?

The directionless words seemed like both a question to Nam Seonwoo and a soliloquy to himself.

* * *

The last summer vacation of high school passed quickly, like sand falling through an hourglass.

Baek Heeyeon was moved from the treatment room to the general ward. As the doctor said, it was a quick recovery, but for the first few days, she couldn’t move her body on her own, so a caregiver had to stay by her side.

The first thing Nam Seonwoo did was make a schedule. When he made a plan to take turns caring for her by dividing the time in half, Kang Jihan flatly refused. And of course, Nam Seonwoo ignored that refusal.

The second thing he did was create a caregiving journal. It was to share observations about his mother’s condition and the doctor’s diagnoses when each of them was on duty. Thus, the notebook that had been used for Nam Seonwoo’s math practice was filled with memos recording each other’s time.

“…Oh, and you didn’t say anything to your mother again, did you? Didn’t I tell you that it’s better to express more? I’m going to ask your mother everything, so make sure you do it today.

↳I did today

↳You only said three words? I heard everything, you punk ㅡㅡ Try to be at least half as chatty as you are with me. You’re so annoyingly talkative with me, your mother must feel hurt.

↳Eat what’s in the fridge before you go

↳Please, can you give up on cooking?”

The written conversations that bloomed throughout the journal often continued endlessly, like meaningless chatter on the way home from school.

Baek Heeyeon was discharged on her own two feet after a few days, and only then could Nam Seonwoo feel at ease. But at the same time, he was anxious. Despite all his actions to prevent her death, he kept thinking that the past might repeat itself exactly the same. Her illness, which even the doctor in this life couldn’t clearly identify, seemed to mock Nam Seonwoo’s useless efforts.

The one fortunate thing was that the conversations between mother and son had increased. Even when Nam Seonwoo nagged Kang Jihan, who was awkward despite being told that “feelings need to be expressed to be understood,” he would sometimes write out dialogue for him directly. It seemed to have some effect, as Baek Heeyeon’s complexion improved day by day.

Kang Jihan, who had seemed flustered on the first day, returned to his original self as if nothing had happened. While it was reassuring to see him holding up more steadfastly than expected, on the other hand, it pained Nam Seonwoo’s heart to see him grow up so quickly.

And the moment he discovered this about himself, Nam Seonwoo realized. The weight of his heart had become far heavier than his initial light resolution.

Because they were friends, this much was natural; because he knew the whole situation, he should help this much… He had always brushed it off like that, but from the beginning, this emotion wasn’t born from a straightforward friendship or an old affection resembling habit.

If it had been an emotion that could stop at that, his entire day wouldn’t have been filled with thoughts of Kang Jihan. Did he eat properly today, isn’t he tired from studying with just short naps, and what is he doing right now? Surprisingly, being full of these thoughts felt familiar. Because it was how he used to be when he was in love with Kang Jihan.

“I’m such an idiot, really…”

Leaning his forehead against the front door, Nam Seonwoo let out a deep sigh. It seemed he had to admit it now. That even before Kang Jihan started acting like a loose screw, he had already been caring about him.

Somehow, he felt a sense of defeat. Once again, it was Kang Jihan. Even though he had resolved not to get entangled, it felt like he had voluntarily entangled himself.

It was the same now. On the evening before school reopened, he couldn’t refuse Kang Jihan’s message to come out for a bit, and here he was again, standing in front of the door.

“Haah.”

Nam Seonwoo left the house, carrying his unsettled feelings. The sky, dyed by the setting sun, was endlessly colorful, oblivious to Nam Seonwoo’s inner turmoil.

Kang Jihan was sitting on a swing. From the moment he spotted his figure in the distance, Nam Seonwoo felt breathless. Somehow, even from a distance where he couldn’t see his features clearly, he felt like he could sense Jihan’s gaze directed at him. This made him feel like even his gait was becoming strange. The moment he realized his right hand and foot were moving together, Nam Seonwoo just bit his innocent lips hard.

“Why did you ask me to come out?”

Looking down at the face that had been directed at him all along, Nam Seonwoo asked gruffly. But what he got in return was a silent laugh. As if he knew that would be the first thing Nam Seonwoo would say, Kang Jihan answered:

“I have something to give you.”

“Then give it.”

“If you listen to what I have to say.”

…Talk? Nam Seonwoo scanned Kang Jihan’s face. He didn’t seem to be about to deliver bad news related to his mother. But given Kang Jihan’s personality, he wouldn’t have called him out for idle chatter either, so Nam Seonwoo answered by sitting on the empty swing next to him. Then Kang Jihan abruptly asked:

“Why are you so nice?”

“What are you talking about now?”

“You come when I ask you to come, you listen when I ask you to listen.”

A creaking sound came from the swing as if he had twisted his body while sitting. As if to brush off the persistently clinging gaze, Nam Seonwoo grumbled:

“I came because I thought you’d wait rudely again if I didn’t come, why?”

“I was wondering if you’re still my Manito.”

“That Manito thing ended ages ago, why do you keep going on about Manito? Did you like it that much?”

“You know what?”

Kang Jihan said, swallowing a laugh.

“Manito also has the meaning of ‘lover.'”