Miss, It’s Just a Cold

Chapter 69: I want to,

The child was born.

Her name is Felicia.

Felicia Altenburg. The name’s rhythm might feel a bit clunky, but it’s still beautiful—because I chose it.

After all, they’ll be called by their name anyway.

To be honest, I don’t remember much about the moment she was born.

There was no overwhelming pain or rush of happiness when the child came into the world.

I was unconscious the whole time.

Because of that, she was delivered via cesarean section.

I was left with a scar, but since my limbs are already marked with knife wounds, what’s one more? It doesn’t add to my sadness or change anything.

I do remember the moment I met my child, though. My body still felt numb when I was forced to sit up. I reached out to touch her and whispered, “Your name is Felicia.”

Then I fainted again.

When I came to, I saw Ariana crying quietly while Ernst stood beside her, his face stiff with worry.

If I had died, the doctor probably would’ve had an unfortunate time explaining it.

“…Can I get some water?”

“E-Emily?”

Ariana, forgetting her tears, looked shocked before lunging at me for a hug.

The sudden motion made me feel like my whole body was shaking.

Instead of saying anything, I leaned in close and whispered in her ear to get me some water. Only then did she pull away.

A servant brought me a cool glass of water. After drinking it, I caught my breath and managed to speak.

“Did I faint again?”

“…Yeah.”

“For how long?”

“Three days.”

“That’s… quite a while. Where’s Felicia?”

“Rin’s taking care of her.”

“…Ah.”

I tried to get up, but my strength gave out, and I slumped back down.

It took another six hours, along with a meal, before I could start moving my legs again.

Once I could walk, I went to see Felicia, who was peacefully sleeping.

She looked so adorable, breathing softly as she slept. I wanted to kiss her forehead, but the thought of possibly passing something onto her made me hesitate and step back.

Ernst, noticing my hesitation, asked, “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing… I just thought it wouldn’t be good if she caught something from me.”

“The doctor said as long as you take your medicine, there’s no risk.”

“But I haven’t taken it in three days.”

“I gave it to you.”

“…Thank you. Still, I feel uneasy.”

Ernst walked over to the baby, carefully picked her up without waking her, and placed her in my arms.

Her face was scrunched, her lips thick like a toad’s, and her overall appearance not exactly beautiful—but newborns are always like this, so it didn’t surprise me.

I reached out to stroke her, then stopped, thinking I wasn’t clean enough. I placed her gently back in her crib, which had been surrounded by protective barriers that made it look more like a fenced-off bed than a traditional cradle.

After staring at Felicia for a while, I felt a cough coming on and stepped out of the room.

Leaning against the corridor wall, I coughed up blood. Despite that, a smile stayed on my face, thanks to the overwhelming fulfillment swelling in my heart.

For now, I was undoubtedly the happiest person in the world.

***

Just as the doctor predicted, I was still fragile but recovering.

Four years had passed since Felicia was born, and if my condition stayed like this, I might live for quite a while.

My memories were fading.

It was a small hope.

The memories were warping strangely now—Ellie, whose face I could no longer recall, appeared like a zombie, while Fabian always showed up holding the whip my mother used to terrify me.

Whenever they came near me, they melted away, leaving behind an unpleasant stench.

That smell… It was the same metallic reek from when I smashed Daniel’s head.

It wasn’t just the smell of blood—it was worse, more nauseating.

“Mommy! Rin didn’t give me candy!”

Felicia ran up to me with her adorable, wobbly steps, clinging to my chest and burying her face as she whined about her tiny troubles.

“Oh dear, why didn’t Rin give you candy?

Should Mommy go scold her for you?”

Felicia hesitated, pouting before saying, “N-no. If Mommy talks to her, she gets all scared. Poor Rin.”

“…I see.”

Well, Rin did tend to overreact to anything I said.

She was probably still haunted by old memories—though I wasn’t one to talk, still being shackled by my own past.

“When’s my little sibling coming, Mommy?”

“Maybe in a few months, if you go to bed early a hundred times.”

“Then I’ll go get candy!”

I didn’t know what candy had to do with her future sibling, but I patted her head, admiring her cute dress, and got up.

Holding her tiny hand, I walked with her down the corridor to the kitchen, where the servants looked startled before bowing to me.

“Excuse me, but where’s the candy?”

“The young lady’s favorite candy is always carried by the head maid!”

“The head maid? Oh.”

Rin. I’d appointed her as the head maid after constant nagging about filling the position.

“Where’s Rin now?”

“She’s likely working in the far-left room on the first floor!”

Hopefully, she wasn’t slacking off.

Descending to the first floor, I made my way to the room and knocked before opening the door.

“A-ah, my lady!? And the young miss too?”

“Felicia said you didn’t give her candy.”

“But she already had three pieces today! If she eats any more, it might be bad for her health!”

“Hmm… whether she eats three or four, it’s not like she’ll start coughing up blood.”

Not being able to eat something you want is a sad thing, isn’t it?

But that memory belongs to the times when I was hungry, so I turned to Felicia and asked her directly.

“Felicia, are you upset because you’re hungry?”

“No! I just wanted something sweet!”

“Then, let’s hold off for now. You can have more candy tomorrow.”

“…Okay.”

“Oh, Rin. Give me one to try as well.”

Rin hesitated but eventually handed me a piece of candy.

Felicia stared at me with wide, betrayed eyes.

As expected, the candy wasn’t neatly hardened sugar but a roughly shaped clump of fruit-flavored sweetness.

I broke it in half while it was still in its wax paper.

“Felicia, open up.”

I let the sweet treat tumble into Felicia’s open mouth, then popped the other half into mine.

“See? We only ate half each, so it’s fine, isn’t it, Rin?”

“…If you keep doing this, I won’t give you any more next time.”

“Oh, that’s a bit troublesome. Just give me one more.”

Rin reluctantly handed over another piece of candy.

Removing the wrapper, I held it out and gently placed it in Rin’s mouth.

It seemed to surprise her—maybe because it was the first time I’d ever given her anything like that.

“There, now we’re even. Consider it my way of apologizing.”

“But Mommy, why do you talk informally to Rin?

Everyone else calls her Head Maid! Head Maid! and speaks so politely!”

“Because that’s how we’ve always been.

Ever since I was… well, just a nobody.”

“…I don’t understand.”

“You don’t need to.

And I’ll make sure you never have to.”

I patted Felicia gently as I spoke.

Even now, I find myself questioning:

Am I giving this child the love she deserves?

Am I truly making her happy?

Am I upholding what it means to be a family?

I know for certain that I love her.

That much, I am sure of.

But as I thought about it, I realized that I’d never actually said it out loud to her.

While holding her hand during a walk in the garden, I suddenly felt compelled.

Though it was difficult, I lifted Felicia into my arms, holding her close.

There was something I wanted to say.

No—it was something I had to say.

Words that, in the past, I might’ve mocked as sappy or ridiculous, I now spoke earnestly and with all my heart.

“Mommy?”

“Felicia.”

“Yeah?”

“I love you. More than anything else in the world. More than myself, more than anyone.”

“I love you too, Mommy,” Felicia said, wrapping her little arms tightly around me.

I wondered: does she truly understand what these words mean?

Does she really love me too?

Rather than dwell on those fears, I chose to believe.

Closing my eyes briefly, I smiled.

I am loving, right now.

Love resides here, with me.

Where once I sang songs drenched in the metallic tang of blood, now I sang surrounded by the warmth of a child’s scent and love.

“Love resides here?”

Felicia, still nestled in my arms, beamed at the unfamiliar song, saying she loved it.

Come to think of it, I’d never sung it to her before.

The melody, once a cherished favorite, had been buried under layers of grim memories.

But now…

It was time to let go.

The memories would remain forever, but the emotions tied to them didn’t have to.

For a moment, it felt as though the scent of blood that clung to me had faded ever so slightly.