Modern Family: The Extra Dunphy

---INTERVIEW – JOEY DUNPHY---

[Joey leans against his motorcycle, helmet in hand, as paparazzi flashes go off in the distance. Buddy sits in the sidecar wearing tiny sunglasses.]

JOEY: Fame's like bad wallpaper. Bright, loud, and everyone thinks they want it until it's glued to their face. [Revvs engine] Luckily, I've got an escape route.

CHEVIOT HILLS ART GALLERY – OPENING NIGHT

Joey's minimalist abstract piece, "Controlled Chaos," hangs center stage. The Dunphy-Pritchett clan mills around, sabotaging the sophistication.

CLAIRE (adjusting the price tag): This is worth how much? 

PHIL (posing with a cheese cube): Smile, Buddy! We're art people now! [Feeds Buddy brie]

HALEY (taking selfies): Hashtag BigBroyArtist. Hashtag SelloutSibling.

ALEX (reading the plaque): "This piece explores the tension between order and entropy." [Snorts] It's literally called "Controlled Chaos"—so Joey.

---INTERVIEW – PHIL DUNPHY---

PHIL: I don't get art. But if Joey's a genius, does that mean my fridge doodle of a house with legs could be worth millions?

[A commotion erupts as pop icon Lady Lava (think: Gaga-meets-Dolly Parton) struts in, trailed by influencers. She stops dead at Joey's piece.]

LADY LAVA (tearfully): It's… perfect. It speaks to my third chakra! [To Joey] Name your price, Picasso.

JOEY (blinking): It's not for sale, sorry but others are.

---INTERVIEW - JOEY DUNPHY---

JOEY: There were many paintings on the gallery, one was very dear to my heart. I had no intention for selling it so that's why I put a large amount for that piece. Then a pop star comes to my exhibition, and you know how stubborn they are... She better crap out money to get her hands on it. 

LADY LAVA (gasping): Everything has a price, darling. [Whispers] I'll throw in a private jet… and a llama.

JOEY (deadpan): I don't trust llamas.

[CUT TO INTERVIEW – LADY LAVA]

LADY LAVA (sipping champagne): He's so mysterious. Like a hot librarian who moonlights as a spy.

CHEVIOT HILLS HIGH – NEXT DAY

Joey's locker is mobbed by students. Girls hold hand-drawn signs: "MARRY ME, MONET!" and "JOEY > JESUS." Lila watches, clutching her planner like a stress ball.

GIRL #1 (bouncing): Joey! I'll die if you don't paint me like one of your French girls!

JOEY (backing away): France has enough problems.

GIRL #2 (serious): Your use of negative space destabilized me. Let's destabilize dinner.

ETHAN (to Matt): Watch. In 10 seconds, someone's gonna faint.

[Girl #3 swoons. Ethan checks his watch.]

---INTERVIEW – LILA CARTER---

LILA: I'm not jealous. I just… prefer when the group's productivity isn't derailed by hormonal fanfare.

DUNPHY HOUSE – FAMILY MEETING

Claire paces as Haley live-streams Joey's "hot recluse era."

CLAIRE: We need rules! No groupies, no paparazzi, no… [reads Haley's phone] …"Joey's Jungian Shadow Fan Forum"!

PHIL (grinning): I've got merch ideas! "Joey's Jawline" tank tops! "Ctrl+Chaos" crop tops!

ALEX: Statistically, 82% of child stars end up in cults. [Pats Joey's shoulder] Good luck!

JOEY (standing): I'm going riding. [Pauses] Alone.

---INTERVIEW – HALEY DUNPHY & ALEX DUNPHY---

HALEY: Joey's the only guy who'd rather date a motorcycle than a supermodel.

ALEX: That's what you call will power, which you don't have.

HALEY (Roll eyes): Whatever.

LEDFORD HOUSE – STUDY SESSION

The group "studies" while Joey sketches. Lila slams her textbook, glaring at a girl texting Joey.

LILA: This is a library annex, not Tinder!

ZOE (whispering to Matt): Someone's crushin'.

TRAVIS (mouth full): Crushing what?

LILA (blushing): Crushing distractions! Focus!

JOEY (oblivious): Agreed. Calculus > cortisol spikes.

[Lila storms out. The group exchanges knowing looks.]

---INTERVIEW – ETHAN PARKER---

ETHAN: Lila's got it bad. She color-coded her jealousy into a pie chart.

SUBURBAN ROAD – SUNSET

Joey revs his bike while Lila pulls up in her hybrid, helmet hair defying physics.

LILA (yelling over engine): We need to talk!

JOEY (killing the engine): If this is about the group's GPA, I already restructured our study matrix—

LILA (interrupting): Do you ever notice… other things? Like, non-math things?

JOEY (squinting): Is this about the periodic table playlist? I know it's unconventional, but—

LILA (groaning): Never mind. [Mutters] You're impossible.

JOEY (revving engine): Wanna ride?

[Lila hesitates, then climbs on, clinging to him as they speed off. The group watches from Matt's car, parked illegally.]

ZOE (squealing): IT'S HAPPENING!

MATT (facepalming): Joey thinks she's auditing his carbon footprint.

---INTERVIEW – LILA CARTER---

LILA (flustered): It wasn't a date. It was a… motion sickness experiment.

PRITCHETT-DELGADO BACKYARD – FAMILY BBQ

The family gathers as Lady Lava's limo pulls up. She exits with Joey's painting…

GLORIA (shocked to see Lady Lava): Is that your painting with her Joey?

JOEY: I sold it to her, for a reasonable price.

LADY LAVA (to Joey): Changed your mind, darling? The llama's name is Banksy, you gave me this invaluable masterpiece, I can still give it to you, if you want.

JOEY (deadpan): Pass.

LADY LAVA (snapping fingers): Fine. [To Claire] How much for the other son? [Points at Luke]

--- INTERVIEW – LADY LAVA ---

LADY LAVA: The llama was a metaphor. [Pauses] …But also, I really like llamas.

--- INTERVIEW – JOEY DUNPHY ---

JOEY: Well, I didn't get the llama, but I did get a few thousand dollars richer. Yay!!! But I'll get A llama once I get my own place, both types...😉

FINAL SCENE

Joey peels out on his motorcycle, leaving the chaos behind. Lila watches from her window, sighing. The group's group chat blows up with theories. Fade to Buddy chewing Lady Lava's sequined scarf.

POST-CREDITS INTERVIEW – BUDDY

[A paparazzi photo of Buddy in sunglasses, captioned: "World's Fuzziest Wingman."]