My Students Regret It After I Retired

73 – You Keep Me Wanting You

Leos always wondered. Why couldn’t his disciples trust him?

When mutant monsters appeared, he was always the one to step forward and kill them alone. Because he didn’t want them to die or be in danger. Clearing the Red Gate was always his responsibility, and he thought he was protecting his disciples in the safety of the shade.

He taught them martial arts and swordsmanship, and various survival methods. He taught them how to fight monsters, everything except how to fight mutants. Because he was worried if he taught them how to fight mutants, they would foolishly try to fight them themselves.

He took care of them on important days, and tried to help them when they were struggling. He approached them without calculating, and did his best to make sure they didn’t suffer. But none of his disciples contacted him even once after the incident.

Deep in his heart, it became a festering wound.

‘I kept wondering. What exactly was my mistake?’

Just as he cherished Herisia and Bendict, he had cherished his former disciples just as much. That’s why the festering wound in his heart was even more painful and raw. Belin had betrayed him, but the others had completely ignored and distrusted him.

He agonized and despaired over and over again, asking himself how badly he had treated them. And he had always put off finding the answer. But today, he finally opened his mouth. He wanted to hear. What was their true feeling.

“I thought it probably wasn’t, but I couldn’t be sure.”

Enas answered directly, without making excuses.

“Even while trusting you, while thinking I needed to contact you, while believing I should ask you directly to be certain, I guess a part of me was wondering if you had actually done such a thing.”

It was an exaggeration. If Enas’s trust in Leos was 98%, then her doubt was a mere 2% or so. Even so, Enas felt that even that tiny seed of doubt was so impure, and the guilt she felt was so overwhelming, that she expressed herself this way.

“…”

“When Belin cried every night, even while thinking of you, deep down I was wondering. How could she cry like that every day if he was truly innocent? Why would Belin want to put you in prison for no reason? Could there be some kind of grudge between you two? I must have wondered that hundreds, thousands of times. Of course…it wasn’t like I just stood by. When I tried to contact you, Reck threatened me. He said that the moment I did, he would expose everything to everyone. That I was in cahoots with you… That everyone around me were just as terrible. He said I’d never be able to go back to how things were with my comrades. But not contacting you…it wasn’t because of that.”

Enas added, tears streaming down her face.

“Reck isn’t the bad one, is he. I was the one who kept silent after hearing his words. Because I had no choice. Because there were reasons I couldn’t contact you. Because I couldn’t let the people around me be hurt because of me. Because if I got caught trying to reach you, I’d never be able to go back to how things were with my comrades. Because in the end, I’d lose everything… I truly loved you, but I guess I wasn’t able to believe in your complete innocence. If I had been 100% sure of your innocence, I would have cast everything aside to contact you, to clear your name. I guess I did doubt, even after saying I trusted you, even while crying every night because I missed you. I must have wondered if you had done something wrong, even just a little bit. I guess I was thinking like that without even realizing it.”

“…”

“Belin was acting, Reck was threatening me, the trial resulted in a guilty verdict. I must have been rationalizing it like that every time the situation changed. You’ve done so much for us, but I guess I wasn’t able to fully trust you.”

Leos’s hand trembled slightly. Then he spoke.

“Why…why are you saying such useless things? I’ve killed everyone here now. I was going to kill everyone originally. If you want to live, you shouldn’t say it like that but try to frame it better. You should have lied and said you never doubted me, that’s how you’d have a better chance of surviving.”

Heresia had moved to stand behind Leos and now held his hand, looking at him with pity. Leos burst out in anger.

“Now that you’re being honest, you think anything will change? You think I’ll feel sorry for you and forgive you? Ah…is this some kind of tactic? To pretend to be honest to sway me? And then, if you get back to the Empire safely, you’ll go back to ignoring me and side with the Empire again and live comfortably? Since when did you become so cunning? Were you a spy for the Dark Shadows, too?”

Heresia shook her head at Leos’s uncharacteristic outburst.

“Leos-nim…”

“Be quiet, Heresia. Don’t try to stop me.”

“You’ll regret this later.”

“Me? Why would I?”

“Because you’re a kind person.”

“…”

Leos’s pupils trembled at her words.

“Even if you end the relationship, it’d be better to do it without regrets. If you’re the Leos I know, you’ll regret today countless times later. Because you’re such a warm person.”

Enas, looking at Herisia from afar, felt a piece of her heart tear and ache. If she’d thrown everything away and gone to Leos, she could’ve been by his side. You wouldn’t have been so angry and upset. You wouldn’t have fallen apart and would have kept moving forward if you only had one person who believed in you.

Leos was silent, and after a while, he calmed his emotions and said,

“Keep talking.”

Enas, clutching her hands together, spoke with a tremble.

“I regret it so much. Not contacting you immediately… No excuse will work, but even though my words might lose their light in this situation, I still wanted to say that this situation existed… How selfishly… I wanted to say I tried to contact you, Leos. I wanted to say I missed you every night. I wanted to tell you that you always appeared in my dreams. No… Actually, there’s something else I really want to say.”

Enas took a nervous breath and, thinking she had to smile at least now, she smiled brightly with a tear-stained face.

“You know, from before the incident until now, even when I couldn’t completely trust you and suffered, I really liked you so much. Not as the commander, but as a man, I really liked you, Leos. I didn’t know, but as time went on, I realized it. At first, I thought it was just a fondness, and when you were gone, I thought the feeling was just the loss of a close superior. But you know, thinking about it again, I think I really liked you a lot. Every time I see you, it feels like my heart is collapsing, so it’s certain. I wanted to say it. I’m sorry I couldn’t trust you, but my belief in you was much stronger. And that I really liked you so much…”

“…”

“And I really wanted to say this too. The moments I spent with Leos were the most precious and happy.”

Leos stared blankly at the sky. It felt as if the sky was being painted yellow. He didn’t know. That Rek had done such things, that Belin had been so cunning, shedding tears every day to deceive people, that so many people around him had conspired together.

Even in the state where they had already thrown him in prison, he couldn’t have imagined that the Dark Wings would act so meticulously to sway public opinion. Because of that, his mind calmed down rather calmly.

“Enas, is there anything else you want to say?”

Enas, with tears streaming down her face, smiled and said,

“I’ve said everything I wanted to say. I have no regrets, even if I die now. I was so scared. Not of dying, but of dying without being able to say all of this.”

And Enas hurriedly tried to say one more thing.

“Leos, and one last thing… Right now, the rear forces of His Majesty’s direct…”

But at that moment.

“Kill that wench!”

Keltazar roared, and the Shadow Unit members who had been playing dead around them surged towards Enas, knives drawn. But in that instant—

– *Shwick!*

Leos cleaved the man in two, standing before Enas.

“Why…?”

Enas gazed at Leos, pupils trembling. It was a question of why he had spared her.

“I haven’t heard it yet.”

“…”

“Who is coming here?”

Enas stared blankly at Leos. For a moment, she’d had hope. Perhaps he was going to forgive her. Strangely, whenever she faced Leos, she always held expectations. Maybe even she, who had lived a lifetime of misery, could find happiness.

But she knew better. Such a thing wouldn’t happen. Leos’s forgiveness was a luxury for someone like herself, who hadn’t had the courage to act from the start. She would never be happy.

“Speak. The enemy force and their armaments. Their direction and who leads them. All the information you know. Until you tell me everything, you will not die.”

Leos’s words brought Enas back to reality, and she nodded.

“Everything…I’ll tell you everything. I was going to do it from the start. You have to escape. I saw it clearly. Among them are those who wield strange powers like you, Leos.”