Of Ice, Death & Monsters

I lunged towards Matthias, attempting to thrust my antler arm blade into his heart. However, even in his injured state, he managed to jump away in time, staggering into the cave with a confused and distressed look upon his face as my blade stabbed into the stone, cracking it.

“P-Peter?! What do you mean- stop?! It’s me, Matthias-“ His eyes were wide with fear as he tried to limp back deeper into the cave.

My head began to pound as he said that Name. There was suddenly a deluge of voices crashing into the sides of my mind. I couldn’t think, was that me? Could that be me? What was he talking about?

That Name was familiar to me, yet not at the same time. It felt more like a distant memory, more than anything, something that tapped my head like an irritating itch.

I growled and quickly followed Matthias deep into the cave. My eyes adjusted to the darkness, and yet even then I couldn’t spot him anymore. But he didn’t get far away; his footsteps stopped, so he must have simply been hiding.

I sniffed the air, following the sharp scent of his blood before it led me behind a stalagmite. “You.. You can’t hide from me forever, monster!”

With a single swipe, my antler arm blade sliced through the stalagmite and slammed into Matthias’s side as he made the sound of an injured cat, skittering across the floor as he whimpered and cried.

My heart trembled, and yet I grinned ear to ear. This was what I wanted, was it not? To finally be on top? Or rather, was it to remove all monsters from the world? Maybe it was to be stronger? Wait… What was it? What did I want?

“Peter… P-please, s-stop. I-I’m sorry, please!” Matthiaa begged as he started to cry, sobbing as he tried to crawl away, dripping blood as he left a smear across the floor.

“Beg, and maybe I’ll make it quick… It’s the most I can do for your kind for all you have done to my people.”

“Y-Your people? Peter? What are you talking about? Just stop it! I-I’m begging you right now! Please stop!” His tears mixed with his blood as he tried to stand up, but I wouldn’t let it be so easy.

I punched him right in his stomach, and immediately, he vomited blood on my arm, gasping for air as I forced him against the wall and stared him dead in the eyes. There was nothing more I wanted to see than the fear within it.

“P-Peter… Please.”

My entire body froze, and I took heavy breaths. Tears began to stream down my cheeks as a familiar image of my hands around someone’s neck formed back into my mind.

Matthias raised his arms, holding mine as he looked at me, pleading with everything he had left.

I was going to do it, I was going to kill him. I wanted to avenge my family, my friends, everyone I ever knew and loved, and yet…

‘Don’t. I don’t want to do this.’

‘I can’t do this…’

‘I don't want to do this…’

What was I doing? Why am I doing this? The voices in my head roared in righteous anger to finish the job.

I raised my arm blade and thrusted it right into his neck.

But it was never to connect as a spear parried it away, causing the antler blade to pierce and embed itself into the wall beside Matthias’s head.

I turned my head to find out what just happened, only to get sucker punched in the jaw, knocking me slightly off balance. It wasn’t enough to draw blood, but it was enough that I dropped Matthias on the ground.

“I ask of you, Peter Sai. What are you doing?!” A stern, firm, and familiar voice echoed in the cave as I finally managed to lay my eyes upon my attacker: Katya.

She was standing tall, her spear pointed at my chest as her steely blue eyes pierced into mine. “What has befallen you to act like such a monster?”

“H-He… He killed the Bes… we were attacked, and after he killed them… He became like…” Matthias couldn’t speak properly as he gurgled on his own blood while trying to breathe at the same time.

There was a sadness in her eyes that she shook away. “So your ability does not just work on those who die around you. It works on those that you have slain as well. You have inherited anger, and now it has consumed you.” She readied her spear down as she poised to strike up. Yet, I didn’t choose to defend myself, for another memory came to mind.

“Balthalem… That was the pose of my brothers in arms as they readied themselves in battle.”

Katya’s eyes widened as she and I slowly circled each other. “That would be correct, yes, this was the technique I was taught by my ancestors. Why do you call them your brothers?”

“Because that’s what they were to me. Forged in battle and tempered in war, we fought side by side against the horrors of Galfania until…”

I stopped in place and looked at my hands. They were young, not akin to the ones I used to battle against those that stood against my brothers and I.

“Until… I died.”

That was right, I died, I don’t know how, but I did, and I couldn’t let that go. I couldn’t give it up. Why? Why couldn’t I? What was wrong with me?

“You have passed long ago, spirit of anger. The war is over. We have lost, do not continue what has already ended a thousand years ago.”

A thousand years… Was that really how long ago it ended? I wanted to call her a liar, but the memories in my head confirmed that it was the truth.

“It cannot be over… As long as monsters still exist.” I turned to Matthias and readied my arm blade, but Katya was fast. She dashed to my side and parried the antlers into the stone wall. Before I could push her off, she threw a spiky black blob from her stitches onto the antlers, piercing through and holding my blade in place.

“Give it up, and go in peace.” She stepped forward and grabbed me by my neck and stared into my eyes, her hand glowing as I felt a calming presence flow through me.

“Peter. I know you’re in there. Come out now, or else I’m going to have to kill you.” That wasn’t just a threat. It was a promise, and I knew it. She was very much willing to keep it, to enforce it.

I struggled to speak as a dozen voices began to cry out at once, echoing in my head. My vision became cloudy as the anger and adrenaline that kept me up started to fade. Everything began to look blurry as my legs started to loosen up.

I fell over as a pure wave of drowsiness overtook me. Everything began to turn dark as I felt the antlers in my arms slowly fall off my arm, leaving it bare as I closed my eyes.

“I’m… I’m sorry.”

That’s all I could say as I lost consciousness and gave myself up to the mercy of the world once more.

‘Who am I?’

I opened my eyes and found myself in a familiar spot. It was the green meadow with rolling hills on all sides, for what seemed to stretch on forever. I got up and rubbed my head, looking around as I spotted the tea table that I’d been to before.

However, there seemed to be even more seats now, and even stranger, there were these strange shadowy figures that sat there.

With a heavy heart, I began to walk over to the tea table, reflecting on what had just happened. I almost killed Matthias. I wanted to kill Matthias. It was such a deep pit of hatred that suddenly sprang out of me like a water fountain.

‘Was that me? Did I want that?’

‘No, that was another me. That wasn’t me me.’

I was so lost in thought that I nearly tripped over the chair, but luckily, something snagged on my arm before I fell face-first into the grass.

“Oh, T-thanks-“ I looked to my savior, and I saw the damned accursed creature that taunted me every time I saw it: the fox.

I could have sworn it grinned at me before throwing it threw my body on the chair. “It looks like we’re all here now.”

“We? Who’s we?” I asked as I rubbed my right arm where the antlers grew from. It was such a vivid memory, but it felt… So good. I felt powerful for once. I felt strong, like I could have done anything at all.

“You, and I~” The fox pointed their tail at me and then themselves when speaking, but I looked around, confused.

“But, what about the others here?” I gestured to all the shadows at the table.

“Hmm? Fufu~, that’s you.”

I blinked once, and suddenly, I was in every other seat, staring back at the fox while the other chairs were filled with shadowy figures.

My head roared in pain as I gripped my temples hard. “A-All me? Oh… It’s the other spirits, but they’re not me! I’m… and I’m…”

My voice got stuck in my throat as I was at a loss for words.

‘Who am I?‘

“I’m Peter Sai. They’re all Andrei’s, Robert’s, and whatever the fuck that Bes was, and I’m me.”

The fox tilted their head. “The only real difference between you and them is that you’re still alive, and they’re dead. You’re not really all that remarkable or distinguishable compared to them.”

I opened my mouth, about to yell, but the damned fox was right. They all had something to their Name. A family, a home, a purpose. They all had a proper reason to continue. They all tried their hardest to fight back against the tide that claimed them, or at least, ran away.

What did I do? Ever since coming here, I just froze up or just went on tangents about Magick. I even almost got monsters on our tail because I couldn’t even sneak properly. I was a wrec,k and I should have died twice at this point if not for whatever I had.

It wasn’t even me who saved Matthias. A small pit opened in my stomach, and just like that, Catboy, I curled up in my chair. I froze up, each and every time I failed to act, that I hesitated… It was me at the helm, no one else.

Even killing the Bes, that wasn’t me. I gripped my hand hard and gritted my teeth. There was only one person who knew the Name to complete the spell, and I knew exactly who it was.

That bastard, even in death, is somehow more useful than I.

I was a vehicle, driving around the remains of the fallen, and I couldn’t even control them. I couldn’t even save Matthias from myself. What exactly was the point of me being here? Was it just so that the dead can somehow act through me? Was that it? Was that my purpose? Was I just someone boring enough to be a vessel for others?

“You’re starting to understand it now, aren’t you? What is your purpose here, Peter Sai? Didn’t you want to come back to prove yourself, but you have only gotten here through the deeds of those who have come before you. But, even then, you’ve become a danger, a liability.”

It crawled over to my face, staring back at me with glowing eyes. “You’ve become far more dangerous than needed. If you continue, more outbreaks like what happened can occur. You could become a monster that needs to be put down.”

The fox sat down in front of me and grinned once more. “But, I have a simple proposal for you that could fix it all.”

I nodded along and leaned in to hear what it could.

“What about, we just kill you?”