Of Ice, Death & Monsters

“Kill… Me?” The words were stuck in my throat so deeply that I had to force them out.

“Correct. We kill you and then transfer your powers over to someone like, say… Matthias. He’s a reasonable conduit for these powers as well. Although his control might not be so effective with his young mind. So perhaps Godwin, or even one of the Keepers like Katya, has much more control. But they are less suitable since they have more affinity for life than anything else…. Maybe…”

The fox kept talking, but I didn’t really listen much after all of the suggestions. I was just that expendable, I was just that useless. The only value I had was from whatever ability I was granted, and if my proper death can give it away, then maybe…

“What happens after? What happens if I give it up?”

“Well, you simply become another soul in their unconscious, another mind in the collective that they will gather, but would it matter? Your presence wouldn’t be noted that much on account of your lack of conviction.”

“My… Lack of conviction? What does that have to do with anything?”

That little furry ball poked my nose with its tail. “Everything. Your will and desire are quite important for maintaining who you are, even in the sea of souls. It’s your identity. It’s who you are; otherwise, you’ll be drowned within.”

“Drowned within? Like…” My mind went back to when the Bes’s anger got the best of me. It was my own body, and I was literally shunted out of the way. I couldn’t control it. I couldn’t even maintain my own focus. I drowned with the other voices and couldn’t resurface.

“Your will, it’s quite weak. Well, the average person like yourself doesn’t have such a strong man. You easily go with the flow and accept everything that comes your way just like that. Sometimes you question it, but you mostly don’t. Even now, I bet you were thinking of giving it all up, letting someone else take the fall. Am I wrong?”

No. They weren’t. The damned fox was completely right. I was tired, and I just wanted it to be over. I thought I had control, I thought I could do more. There was nothing worse in the world than being so wrong. I wanted to sit there and cry. All I wanted was to be someone more. I got that chance, and the more I was given proved that I was a liability.

“No… You’re right…”

The fox smiled again. “And it’s because I am right that I won’t allow you to kill yourself so easily. This needs to be a choice for you. A choice that you have to think about, reflect on, and understand. Because even if the choice is giving up your powers, whatever that shall happen, shall be because of you.”

It got closer to me, sitting down right in front of my face. “Do you understand?”

I nodded along silently, rubbing my hands. “Good, I shall leave you to it then. Think long and hard, Peter Sai.” The fox laughed mischievously and pranced away into the distance, leaving me all alone with my own thoughts… And the other voices in my head.

“Give it up, lad. This battlefield is not for the likes of you.” A man bellowed out at the opposite end of the table. He was gruff, and I could make out that he had only one arm and a beard on his face alongside bloodied and ripped battle armor.

“Battlefield? Who are you? I don’t remember you dying beside me- Oh.” It hit me like a flying brick toward a blonde’s head. “You’re the Bes right? A spirit of anger, yeah, the one who tried to kill Matthias.” My blood began to boil- or well, it would, I didn’t have any blood here, but I still felt the heat in my heart grow. Wild.

Yet, I couldn’t really act on it. I felt so weak, and it was my fault he took control.

“Yeah, I should have finished the job, too. All he’s doing is leading us to a hag.”

“Baba Yaga isn’t just some hag, she’s a fabled witch who-”

“I don’t care, they eat kids and want to cause trouble, that’s all that matters.” I couldn’t even get a word in on the topic as I slinked back down to my seat.

“You look like a good kid. I’ve seen some of your memories. Real shit world you’re living. You’re not cut out for what Galfania has to offer. I wasn’t either, but I’ve been given many chances to try again and again, but now this, whatever you have… It’s a real opportunity to get back out there and try again. Leave it to us, we’ll handle it.”

He was right, of course, he was. I was never cut out for this. What was I thinking going here? I was mad… and Jane was right. I wondered what she would think of this now. I wondered how she would berate me for being such an idiot.

However, there was a small part of me, still ever so curious about the man right in front of me, that I had to ask.

“But why? What do you get out of this? What’s the point? Who are you?”

“Me? My Name… Ah, it’s been many moons and seasons… maybe thousands of them since somebody has asked me that… I don’t even remember it at this point.” He gave an airy chuckle.

“You don’t know your own Name?” The thought was ludicrous to me. Everyone made sure to remember their Name. It was so important that even Nicknames were sacred. You had to remember your Name, it signified who you were, especially to yourself.

“No, but I remember my purpose, and my purpose is my Name. I exist to do battle, to fight the wars of Balthalem, and to avenge my fallen brothers and sisters, to make sure they are never forgotten.”

A remnant of a bygone era. A thousand years far too late. “You… You were from the Balthalem occupation. You fought in the Thousand Night War.”

“Is that what they called it? Fitting, I suppose, there never seemed to be a single bit of daylight when we were on duty.”

“How did you become a… that?” I made a horn gesture with my hands, not knowing how else to really address the fact that he became a bipedal murder machine.

“I don’t know…” The soldier stared at his one good hand. “When I died… I simply refused. I wanted to continue, I wanted to make sure that my people could live. Everything became such a blur, and only now am I finally able to think.”

He looked back up at me. “If you want to continue, you have to grab hold of your conviction. What do you want to do in your life?”

“S-Survive obvious-”

The soldier waved me away with a groan of disappointment. “Everyone wants to survive, everyone wants to live. If you didn’t, you would have jumped off the deep end of a lake!” He stood up from the table and slammed his hand on its surface. I was so startled that I nearly jumped off.

“It’s a basic instinct that every living thing has innate within them. Even plants have this instinct. What you need is something more, something that shall not just tether you to this world, but to push you forward. What do you have?”

I blanked for a bit, scratching the table with my nails as I stared at my lap, trying to find an answer. “Uhm, I like Magick? I want to study it and become famous?” That has been my dream for so long that I’m surprised it took me longer to say it aloud. I guess I hadn’t really thought about it for a while, ever since I got rejected.

“Why? What purpose do you seek power and glory for?”

“It’s not power and glory-”

The warrior waved his hand again and sighed. “You seek to hold the power of Magick, but the fame, you separated it entirely. You want it for what purpose? What does fame bring you?”

I shrugged half heartedly, my mind going back to my birthday, where I was mistaken for a beggar. “I just don’t want people to look down on me. I want people to turn to me, to ask me for help. I want to be… Useful.”

“You don’t need fame to do such a thing. You simply make yourself useful. There’s no other way to it, such a simple goal, and you fail because you are seeking the wrong thing. Perhaps, there is something more that you seek. Something that simply being useful won’t bring you.”

I drummed my fingers against the table, looking back at all I had done in the past few days, and the very first conversation I had with that damned fox. “I guess I just wanted to be special. I wanted to be imported because… I don’t know, it makes me feel good?”

There was no way I could put into words why I wanted to do it. For the longest time, I didn’t even think about it.

“Fame… For fame’s own sake. It is no wonder you do not know what to do. You have such a lacking conviction that it is painful to even watch you flounder around. I do not know how else to help you.”

He looked away and shook his head. “I suggest you give yourself up, make it easier for the rest of us.” And with that, he faded away into the air as I sank back into my chair.

“Yeah… I guess that tracks… Worst therapy session ever.”

“What is therapy?” A semi-familiar voice asked as in the seat of the warrior, Andrei took his place.

His lips were charred, and his stomach was cut open, still bleeding as he stared at me with a bemused expression on his face.

I tried not to stare at his spilling guts as I turned away, trying not to think of it. He clearly noticed because I heard him chuckle a bit. “Yeah, apparently I can ask for a more sightly appearance when I’m dead.”

“I-It’s fine, uh, is it okay if I don’t look at you while we talk? I don’t know if I can get sick here, but it feels like I’m close to it…” I held my stomach as I shivered.

“You may do what you want. Honestly? If I were in your position, I would have done the same.” He tried to chuckle but ended up coughing for a bit.

“So, are you here to tell me to give up? To transfer the power over to your captain? I’m sure she would be way better at using it than I ever could be…”

“She would… But I don’t think she can handle more than she has already.”

I stuffed my face onto the table. “Are you sure? She seems to be doing pretty well enough.” She was able to keep us together and kept her head cool even after losing one of her comrades.

“The captain is good at keeping her cool. It’s why she was chosen to lead us in the first place. But we all have cracks, we all make mistakes. I don’t think she’s fit at all to ever wield the kind of power you have.”

I looked up, just slightly so that I wouldn’t see all the viscera.

“Then who is?”

He gave a little smile and pointed at me.

“I think it’s you.”