Of Ice, Death & Monsters

Chapter 7: For Dreams Are Desires Yet To Be

“So, having fun yet?” She asked with a little tinge of both curiosity and sadness in her voice as she went to the cooler.

“Uhm… no? Well, kinda, I’ve never really been out here like this. So I guess seeing the sights and traveling by boat is kinda fun.”

Jane scoffed with a smile and rolled her eyes. “You know what I mean. That feeling of dread sinking in yet? Well, it’s too late now to back off unless you think you can handle the freezing depths of the ocean.”

I finally had enough. Usually, I would just say nothing and accept whatever she said, but if I wanted to turn my life around, I needed to take a stand.

“What is your problem, actually? Why are you so bitter and all…” I was gonna say bitchy but I didn’t want her to splash me with water. “You know… especially to me. You’re not like this to the others at all when they made their decisions, too.”

“Well, for one thing. I can’t talk back, and another it is that people like you are how do I say this… not so bright when it comes to making decisions.”

Oh, she just called me stupid, okay, now it’s personal.

“I’m not stupid. I need the money, but hang on, why are you here then? If you were employed, you could have just gotten a sick leave or something like that. It’s hard to think that Epithet would make this mandatory at all for employees, which means you’re obligated in some other way.”

She must have been like Henry, someone who messed up and is now paying the price for it dearly.

“Yeah, cause I’m more stupid, stupider- however you say it. And it sucks to see people choose to suffer. Especially people like you.”

Her eyes narrowed, and it felt like she was staring directly into my soul. “You’re young, I don’t care what the world keeps saying, early twenties are still young. You have your whole life still ahead of you-“

“No, I don’t! People can die at any time, car crashes, falling down the staircase, vending machines crushing me to death. And even if I did live- no, I wouldn’t call it living, I’d just be surviving. I’d just be another shmuck on the streets living day to day life doing the bare minimum to get on by until I shrivel up and die. Who’d want that?”

“I would.” Jane responded as bluntly as a baseball bat to the face.

“It sounds better than your whole existence being tied by the ankle like you’re a puppet on strings. I’d rather live and survive on my own work, meager as it may be.”

Jane sighed and wiped her head. “You’re taking what seems to be the easy path to pride and glory-“

“No, I’m taking the only path to pride and glory.” I gritted my teeth and balled my hands into fists.

“Maybe for you, living life on the bare minimum is good enough. But I want something more, I need something more. I want to be more.”

She rested her head on her hand. “That’s because you’re selfish. Everyone these days wants something more than they actually deserve. You’re no different.”

“Stop talking as if you know me like that. I do deserve it, I put in the work, the hours. I did the best I could and I got… nothing out of it.” I sighed and slumped over the bar counter. I had no idea why I kept on arguing with her, even if I knew she would never budge.

“You graduated from college, congratulations to you and the thousands, to actually millions of others. Some here went to even higher education and still couldn’t perform as well as those who just did high school. Sometimes life just won’t treat you well.”

Jane leaned forward and poured a drink out. “That doesn’t mean you’re going to suffer. You just need to take it in stride. You don’t need to do anything fancy or drastic, just do what you can, as much as you need it.”

She then lifted my face from the desk. “There’s a teaching in the east that the reasoning for your suffering is due to your own nature and desire. If you want to be happy, then you yourself have to choose to be happy.”

I groaned and pushed her hand away. “I’m not going to be happy living in my own filth, wasting away until I die in my own apartment rotting away alongside all my stuff.”

“That’s one way of looking at it. Would you rather die out here at sea? Or by the cold winter tundra being mauled to death?”

For a few moments, I thought about that. The idea was horrific, terrifying. I could barely imagine what that felt like. But I know exactly how it feels to be constantly absorbed by the mundanity of my own mediocrity. I know what it’s like to wither and fade until you forget everything around you.

And that felt worse than any pain I could ever dream of.

“Yeah… at least I knew I tried.” I lifted my head up and wiped my face.

“What about you then? What’s your story? Why are you here? What would you choose?”

I'd had enough answering these questions, but there was a curiosity in me. What made her so bitter? Why was she like this? How badly did she mess up to be like this?

“Hmm… fine. I’m probably going to die here anyway, so it won’t matter.”

Jane sat back down as she drank whatever she had poured for herself earlier.

“You can say I was a smuggler. I used to help people try and subvert the Watchtower, grabbing artifacts like health potions. Antivenoms, coagulants. Really, a lot of medical supplies and even stuff like purifiers and heaters.”

“Wait, were you part of the Choir?”

I only heard of them in the news every once in a while. They were a group of activists who constantly undermined and stole from Ephitet, always going on about how Magick shouldn’t be trademarked and should instead have been given to the people.

“Bingo. That was me, I was an Alto. I was the one going around, handing out, and even stealing the artifacts. It was decent, actually, no, it was wonderful. The best feeling in the world is seeing people content and happy, especially with the small victories…”

She looked down, and a small smile slowly formed on her face. “When you give a sick child some medicine, or when you finally get clean water for a family. They thank you with all their hearts… They're happy, content, even if they don’t have much.”

A small silence grew between the two of us as I started to feel bad. Usually, I would hate being guilt-tripped like this. I would roll my eyes at how people would say that others were less fortunate, and you’d need to be grateful, but Jane did it in a way that felt more real and tangible.

“It couldn’t last, as they say… no fiction like permanence… no folly like pride. We tried to finally steal something too big for us… a Name.”

Ah, of course. Yeah, that checked out. If there’s one thing they would never let you get away with, it’s taking that. Epithet’s lifeblood was the Names of Magick since they could produce all the artifacts they were also marketing.

“We tried to steal one of the machines to get a Name. Didn’t even get out of the compound before the Watchtower was all over me…”

She sighed and gripped the counter. “I tried to kill myself… but there was no escape. They tortured me and my friends, and threatened to grab those who helped us until we signed the contracts.”

I grew quiet. There was nothing I could say. I didn’t even know what I could say if I did.

“I told you that John wasn’t the worst person to owe money to, actually, he’s a living saint compared to the rest of those that hold my leash.”

Jane grimaced as if she were trying to suppress a memory. “It looks like I’ve served my purpose and outgrown my usefulness. As soon as they heard of this expedition, they sent me on my merry way.”

She laughed and gripped her face. “They had fun with their toy, and now, since I don't serve any purpose, they want to throw me out…” Taking a deep breath, she turned once more to me.

“I get where you’re coming from. I’ve even helped people like you from time to time. But now you get it… and as for what I’d choose? I’d rather slowly fade over time. I want to actually have time to help other people and not just be snuffed out by some giant wolf. So, are you satisfied?”

I opened my mouth to speak, but no words came out. There was just this strange squeak and feeling of uncomfortability and dread permeating throughout my whole body.

I could only imagine what they did to her, and yet for some reason, I still wanted to speak my peace.

“It’s okay, don’t give me your pity. We’re here to sail to our dooms anyway. If you want to take away any lesson, make it that you will always have a choice, a decision, no matter how little you have, you can try to make a difference. To yourself or to others.”

Jane went to pour me a drink as well. “It’s always better to have a choice than to be forced to give it up. It’s best to be content and happy on your own terms rather than thinking you need to aim any higher. But always… always make sure that those who take away that choice must pay… one way or another.”

She sighed once more, and so did I. There was this shallow feeling in my heart that didn’t seem to go away. There was so much to process, and I couldn’t even give anything useful, no feedback, nor my own words of advice.

So I just sat there for a bit, grabbing the drink with my telekinesis before downing it as I gagged a bit. “Ugh, was that whiskey?!”

Jane laughed a little. “Yeah and you didn’t even question what was in the glass, dumbass.” She ruffled my hair a bit as I just grumbled and went on to chuckle as well.

“I guess I should have huh… well anyways. Thanks for the drink and the advice… I’ll head back up. See you around, Jane.”

“Sure thing, Pete, sure thing.” She waved me goodbye, and I walked back upstairs, but I was so lost in thought that I accidentally wound up in another hallway on the top floor, now roaming the red carpeted area near the helm.

“Oh- I was just- alright then.” I turned around, about to walk away, until suddenly, the door behind me burst open, and I saw Matthias striding down the hallway with a grimace on his face.

“Hey, what’s up-“

“Go to the bottom with the rest. Stay indoors and warn the others not to panic.”

“W-Woah, what hold on, what’s going on?”

Matthias didn’t even look at me as he strode ahead with fervor in each of his steps. “We’re being attacked. Now go quickly!”