Old Journals of a Millennial. Volume 2.

No lie, I have been very emotionally heavy as of late. 

It's annoying.

I try to and tend to reserve my emotions for my poetry.

I sit and play specific songs to trigger what feelings I need in order to pour into a new piece.

That is normal for me, yeah?

I am used to feeling those feeling when I feel them, because I kinda get to dictate what I feel, more or less. 

What I feel as of late has been so far from my control, that it's...

Bah.

Y'all aren't here for that lol.

Seriously. 

My weird past has the tendency to get heavy enough at times, yeah?

See you on the flip side.

Enjoy.

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April 25th, 2012.

Journal #033.

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My dream about XXXXX...

It was very euphoric. 

I loved it.

I wanted it to be real.

It pleased my heart to love her.

The feeling was amazing.

My dreams are so vivid.

This mind of mine plays such strange tricks.

Hmmmmm.

-----

Hmm.

I remember this person, I don't remember the dream. 

That is kind of disappointing, because she is still quite beautiful lol.

I mean that as respectfully as possible.

The funny thing?

She is one of my Mum's best friends 

lmfao.

Seriously.

 I meet her well over a decade ago, maybe even another half-decade before the date listed in this journal post. 

I was much, much younger.

And she was/is my Mum's age, so at maybe...16 years old?, she would have been just about 36.

I was not smitten, but in my horny youth, I found her extremely attractive lol. 

She has aged very gracefully.

She is all of 6'1, still.

Dazzling hazel/brown eyes.

Still as shapely as an hourglass. 

Fine, light caramel skin.

Peppered-black/brown hair that is still quite long and healthy.

Lort have merbies lol.

I assume that the dream that young me had was fueled by a mixture of angst, loneliness, physical desire, and a splash of longing for something more than what I had at the moment.

A curse from my father.

A curse from the lingering feelings that I still had for the exe who had forsaken me.

If you recall from the last entry, I was still in a relationship with the new, White XXXXX lol, and I struggled then just to speak her name aloud...

Bah.

I don't think that dreaming about sex with someone outside of your significant other is considered cheating folks lol.

That would be ridiculous.

I am not a lucid dreamer, so I have no control over what my subconscious mental state manifest. 

Right?

...

That's not a thing, right?

...

...

Right??? 

See you soon folks.

Stay safe.

Stay healthy.

Stay vigilant.

-Redd.