Only Good To Me

“Why do I want to date? Because I like you. I like you, and I want to date you.”Seo Hangeon finally stood up. His face, which quickly approached mine, was serious.“Is it not possible?”I had a gut feeling that this might be his last word on the subject.“Let’s talk about it. What’s the problem?”Where did this strength come from? Like a protagonist in a fantasy novel gaining enlightenment in a crisis, I poured out my words.“First, I need to focus on my studies… and we can’t meet often. I might not mind, but… from the other person’s perspective, not seeing each other often… can be a problem.”“Hmm.”“If we can’t meet often, to be honest, you can’t really call it dating.”“…Anything else?”“And also… you and I. Our personalities and lifestyles are quite different… and that might not match well.”“…Anything else?”“Also, the situation if rumors start… that’s a bit of an issue.”“Anything else.”“And the most concerning thing is, you have a lot of friends and meet a lot of people. Keeping track of all that… I don’t know, my personality might find that… hard…”I’ve liked you for a long time, so I’m worried that my feelings might be too big compared to yours. I was contemplating whether to say this or not when I heard a loud laugh. “Puhaha,” Seo Hangeon was laughing, shaking his head, which felt warm.“Wow~ Isn’t it ever going to end? The end?”“…”“No, what’s with all these thoughts in that little head of yours? Won-ah, that…”Seo Hangeon paused and let out an impressed sigh. His gaze, now settled, approached me.“I’ll check your phone all the time to avoid rumors. We’ll adjust for our different personalities. Not seeing each other often doesn’t matter. Is that okay?”If I could hear this voice even for one or two days a month, regardless of how it ends, it wouldn’t be a loss.“Think about it more, then. No, don’t think anymore. Stop thinking.”If you knew how simple this wasn’t, how I’ve been watching you with what kind of heart…“Pookoom-ah.”You wouldn’t say things like that…“Pookoom-ah? Hey, look at me.”So, I’ve been watching you to the point where I would stop self-harm…“Pookoom-ah?”“Oh, I told you not to say that.”“Dating? No problem? Today’s the first day?”“Let’s not celebrate anniversaries. I don’t have time to…”“You don’t celebrate. If you do, you’re dead. What student counts 100 days or 200 days? Never do it.”Seo Hangeon suddenly thrust out his fist.“When I date, I stamp the approval.”Was it telepathy? How did he know that I’d used the term “stamp of approval” in my mind? It was amazing. I bumped fists with him, copied the gesture, and even stamped.“Let’s hug.”I hugged him instinctively. The smell of riverside cigarettes from his windbreaker rustled, and I trembled for a moment. The feeling of my neck and chest being pressed by his warmth made it hard to breathe. The hug was warmer and closer than the very shape of the word. Just the touch of his smooth skin on my neck made my breathing loosen and my heartbeats slow down.“Let’s try dating, whatever happens. What could go wrong! It’s good, so what’s the problem?”As Seo Hangeon spoke, the vibration of his voice transmitted to my chest.In my past life, I might have been someone who contributed in the Donghak Peasant Revolution or fought as an armed independence soldier. Or perhaps I was someone who made a significant contribution to humanity with a theory in physics. Or else, I might have lived a life so unlucky that the heavens decided to throw me a bone this time.I am now in the arms of my life’s greatest and first libido energy.“Hangeon, you should go now, right?”“Just a bit longer.”“…Want to go together? I can leave self-study in the middle after telling them.”“Do you want to? I’ll give you a ride home in a taxi.”I lied, saying my father was coming to pick me up, and grabbed my bag. Before Seo Hangeon went to work, before I got home. We both wanted to spend even just a little time together.Seo Hangeon hurriedly led me to the main road.“Let’s take a taxi.”“Why? Are you late?”“No. So I can hold your hand.”We took a taxi towards the izakaya near Gwangalli. During the few minutes in the taxi, Seo Hangeon held my hand, rubbing it back and forth, sniffing my hair like a pervert, and eventually, after getting out of the taxi, he led me to a corner of an alley.We shared our third kiss that day.“Ha…, aren’t you… late?”“Five minutes left.”“Um… seems late…”“Kid.”He opened his mouth and rubbed against me. Everything was sucked in. His tongue roamed freely around my lips and cheeks, threatening to go down my throat, licking the inner mucosa.“Mm…”Seo Hangeon didn’t let go of me. Not satisfied with just bumping fists, he stamped his approval with his lips. His jaw moved fiercely, pressing my head against the old brick wall. In the midst of the excited suction, our lips felt like those of deep-sea creatures swimming in the ocean.Suddenly, my shoulders felt too light. I thought I hadn’t brought my bag, but Seo Hangeon had his hand around my waist, supporting the bottom of my backpack. The sound of the backpack rubbing against the wall echoed past 11 PM. Every time his breath scattered across my face, our lips stubbornly tried to maintain their slippery adhesion.Seo Hangeon called for a taxi in front of the store. When I got into the back seat and closed the door, he leaned in through the window to give the taxi driver ten thousand won. While pulling back, he naturally caressed my ear, scratching under my chin with his index finger.“Text me in the elevator. I’m going.”A vanilla cream-flavored Chupa Chups fell onto my lap.“I was going to give it to you when we got out, but I forgot because I was busy.”His face, biting his lower lip and smiling like a boy, moved away. The taxi started to move slowly. I held the candy in one hand and stuck my head out the window. I saw him rush through the door into the shop.“Man, you’re late!”“Sorry, hyung!!”I heard it. I rested my face against the window sill, watching the izakaya entrance getting smaller.On the street where the sea breeze was surging, the deep night and the real world were separated. The sea breeze blew over the road receding behind us, and love and stress were entangled, rolling around. I stared blankly at the nightlife lighting up the Gwangalli street, then touched my lips with the tip of my tongue, realizing I was smiling.In the taxi, soaked with the scent of the sea, I smiled silently several times. I bit my thumb like a child and laughed, then laughed while touching my chin where Seo Hangeon’s fingers had passed. A 70km/h wind passed through our orbit.Early summer. That’s how we became people who, whenever we met, would hold each other and kiss. At least when it came to kissing, we earned a perfect attendance award.🏐[Orion Haitai Lotte][What’s that?][LOL choose one][Haitai LOL]Free time.[Orange Lemon Strawberry Peach][Lip balm? I don’t use it. Haha][Not lip balm, your lip balm is in my mouth LOL][No, it’s not][I’ll apply it for you later][Lemon]Lemon-flavored vitamin.Contrary to expectations, the snack quiz continued. The frequency had decreased compared to when we met every day at the milk carton, but the amount given each time increased. After placing vitamins or anti-sleep gum in the candy jar on my desk, I would sometimes find a few pieces stacked behind the gear shift in my father’s car the next day.Seo Hangeon was spending on snacks for both me and my father. I didn’t mind the validity of that proposition.On the second day of dating Seo Hangeon, I spoke to the girl directly. It was on the stairs. Following the time when the Yale class ended, I went out and said two sentences in a small but unbroken voice.“Uh… Hangeon said no. He told me not to give it out.”In that short time, I saw her expression change in several ways. I averted my gaze and gave a mandatory smile. As I prepared to leave quickly, she put on a mandatory smile too.“Right, can’t be helped! Okay, I’ll tell my friend.”Seo Hangeon’s instructions were the correct answer. The girl didn’t ask about the note and didn’t say anything else to me. She ran down the stairs as if escaping.I felt a bit sorry, but I thought it was better to make her feel this level of discomfort. If I had given her false hope or left things ambiguous, it would have led to greater hurt, and she might not have forgiven me, just as I couldn’t forgive Seo Hangeon. It was better to be this sorry and cause this much hurt now, before that happened. That’s what I thought.“I did what you told me to do. I met her yesterday.”“What?? Really?”Hearing that, Seo Hangeon made a face I hadn’t seen before. His eyes widened to the maximum, and his mouth was grinning.“Shit! For real! Wow…”Seo Hangeon kicked the wall of the next building twice and came running to put his arms around my neck.“I’m touched. You’re so cool.”“…Huh?”“Let’s go.”Seo Hangeon took me to a Nike store. He made me wear shoes with a white background and a navy Nike logo, then sat down to tie my shoelaces instead of the employee.“A customer’s come in, so please go attend to them. I used to work at Les Moa.”“Really?”The store employee thanked him and went to another customer, and Seo Hangeon, while maintaining his cheerful smile, said the opposite of what his expression conveyed.“Get lost, bastard.”The man with two faces muttered a curse that couldn’t be heard behind the employee’s head, then crouched in front of me. I also smiled silently. His large, long hands held my ankles to put on the shoes and started tying the laces. I could freely observe his back and head as he breathed below me. I suppressed the desire to poke his shoulders and head.That day, Seo Hangeon was wearing a shirt with a deep beige base, checked with white, red, and black lines. I didn’t know the brand, but I really liked Seo Hangeon in that shirt. He told me it was from the brand Burberry.Even now, when someone wearing that shirt passes by, my heart flutters. But no one has ever worn that checked shirt as well as Seo Hangeon.“Why the sudden shoes?”“It’s a reward.”“What kind of reward?”“For speaking up for me.”“They’re too expensive…”“Because they’re expensive, wear them every day, got it?”I’ve never seen anyone with a face as fresh as his when he looked up and smiled saying that.“Only wear the shoes you bought before when you’re not with me. Wear these when you’re with me.”Seo Hangeon would check if I was wearing those Nike sneakers every time we met and would get happy by himself.We didn’t meet often. Once a week, at most twice. We couldn’t even meet every weekend. During exam periods, we couldn’t even set aside time for dates for two weeks straight. Maybe because he knew what would happen if my grades dropped, Seo Hangeon didn’t urge or complain about meeting.During exam periods, he would come to the stairs behind the academy’s self-study room for short visits, bringing snacks and giving me a peck on the cheek before leaving. He also checked my phone at those times. He explained each photo and background on his uploaded pictures on Facebook, even showed me the list and contents of who he was messaging.Was it because we had so much to say since we didn’t meet often? Seo Hangeon would attach a short note on a Post-it with each snack.I went rafting at Kyungho River with the dojang seniors on the weekend; it was fun. Let’s go next time. When are you free? LOL I want to see you drenched LOLAll the guys at our school are balding, it’s so boring, but I have to graduate.It was a yellow Post-it from a designated driver or insurance company. Seo Hangeon had terrible handwriting. The letters written with a black marker pen were only dedicated to conveying the message. Seeing “Pookoom” written in that handwriting made my frown deepen even more.The ugly handwriting on the Post-it with the insurance company’s name and phone number. I sometimes buried my nose in it. A few days later, I would also write a note on a Post-it to reply.Hangeon, your handwriting is so messy. I can’t understand anything. Go back to learning Hangul.The next day, an even worse scrawl was written on the Post-it on top of a Choco Pie.Write from ga to ha if you want me to study Hangul.Since he said he would study, I wrote out the Hangul alphabet from Ga to Hieut. The response was still atrocious.Your handwriting is pretty, fill it up more. Today, write the alphabet from a to z.I wrote the alphabet, both uppercase and lowercase, on a square Post-it and stuck it on a canned coffee. The handwriting demands became more shameless.Names of Joseon dynasty kings.Why did Jeong Dojeon die?Chemical symbols, whatever, like oxygen and carbon dioxide.What’s calculus?January to December in English.The national anthem from verse 1 to 4.Is your handwriting cute too? Pookoom.When I wrote out all four verses of the national anthem, it took seven Post-it notes. Seo Hangeon carefully folded them and put them in his pocket.“You’re not going to eat those, right?”I was joking, but I got a strange look in return.“Of course not. They’re for appreciation.”The dangerous, blurry look in his eyes that had been on the other side when shrimp shell water splashed on his cheek briefly passed by.“What subject do you hate the most?”“Me? Korean history.”“Why?”“There’s too much trivial stuff to memorize.”Around that time, Seo Hangeon’s KakaoTalk profile picture was a photo of rice cakes from the International Market.“Hangeon, what’s the hardest thing for you?”“Me? Not much is hard. When I think about opening my own shop later, nothing seems hard. They’re all things you can’t learn even if you pay for them.”“You’re going to open a shop?”“Yeah. After graduation, I’ll prepare a bit and open one right away. I’ll get my business registration in my name.”“Wow.”“Hyung Gi-jong said he’ll let me manage the second branch when he opens it.”Hyung Gi-jong is the former owner of the seafood soup restaurant, now the owner of the izakaya. I knew the name of the boss where Seo Hangeon worked. It was a moment to feel oddly proud.“Huh? Really? That’s amazing.”“I’m pretty good, aren’t I?”Even when he closed his eyes, shaking his head in self-praise, it wasn’t unpleasant. Seo Hangeon being ‘pretty good’ wasn’t limited to that. If there was one excuse for kissing every time we met, it was because Seo Hangeon was an incredible kisser. That thought was unwavering no matter who I met. I hadn’t seen anyone kiss as well as Seo Hangeon.“Wait… wait, just a moment…”“No one’s coming.”“Well… no, not here, towards the hair salon…”“Let’s do it here today.”The neighborhood a little away from Gwangalli Beach was our main habitat. We walked around the bathhouse next to the neighborhood, behind the hair salon, beside the convenience store, the old restaurant, and the hidden parts of the alleys. We downloaded all the happiness the alleys could give us and kept updating it endlessly.We knew which restaurant appeared after walking a few meters from the intersection, what kind of houses and one-room buildings were in each alley, the slopes of the winding paths, and where to turn at which streetlight for a good kissing spot, and which houses were the most dilapidated. We wandered and loved that place to the point of memorization.We loved the white-walled bathhouse, the barbershop, and even the air full of saltiness.“…Won-ah.”“Huh?”“Want to do more?”“Uh…”There, smelling the deepening scent of our youth as night fell, I was the sea.Since we couldn’t hold hands on crowded streets or plaster our photos all over Facebook, our kisses became longer. The intense passion lingered in the brief gaps between kisses, binding our lips together.Because I wanted to say I liked him in front of people. Because I wanted to express myself.The more that was true, the deeper and richer our kisses became. As they deepened, soon our bodies would heat up, not wanting to part, and Seo Hangeon’s eyes looking at me held a thousand words.“Hangeon-ah…”“Yeah, what?”“Today, don’t pay for the taxi.”“I don’t want to.”“I have some allowance… mmm.”We didn’t end. We kissed without knowing an end. Touching hair, embracing necks, caressing cheeks.The alleyways of Gwangalli must have grown tired of us. They would remember the two primates who clung to each other, hugging tightly whenever we visited. Even if the moss in the corners thought of us as creatures similar to themselves, there would be no words to say.“Is it hard?”“Ha… a bit…”“Your lips are a bit swollen. Shit, now I want to eat them even more.”“…”“Want to do more?”“Uh…”If kisses had power, we could have saved the world with that power. With that power, we could have restored the ozone layer full of holes. We could have stopped the ice from melting. No, not just stop it, we could have refrozen it. Then we could halt the sea level rise and eliminate the greenhouse effect to save the Earth. Why isn’t there a hero who saves the world with kisses?“Try sucking on mine. Here.”“…Like this?”“That’s not sucking, it’s biting. Try again. Here.”“…Is this… okay?”“Yeah, keep doing that, keep going…”Our kisses were like moss. Moss looks the same to the naked eye, but when magnified several times, even those living together have different shapes and presences. It’s amazing. Our kisses were such an ecosystem.They looked the same but were astonishingly different upon closer inspection. Even though we kissed to the point of boredom, each one was different. Sometimes they were passionate, sometimes playful, sometimes persistent, sometimes erotic…“…Ugh!”The hand that had been wandering around my waist moved to my butt. It definitely touched my right buttock. I pushed away his blue Champion T-shirt aggressively. Seo Hangeon laughed, feigning surprise with me.“Huh? This guy again! Can’t you stay still? Crazy bastard.”It wasn’t like he was doing mime. He grabbed his own arm, shaking it wildly, then hit it with his fist, even acting like his left arm was knocked down by the punch. Then he slapped his own cheek. His head turned with a smack.“Oh, sorry. I really will! I’ll teach him well.”I frowned and laughed. Seo Hangeon pointed at his arm and clicked his tongue.“This guy can’t stay still when he sees something pretty, anyway.”“Why are your limbs like this? Why don’t they follow your brain’s orders?”“I don’t know. They’re not right in the head, I tell you?”Soon, it was Seo Hangeon’s birthday. With the Adidas shoes, Nike shoes, and countless taxi fares he’d given me, I felt bad for not celebrating anniversaries, so I wanted to give him something expensive for his birthday. Since he worked until dawn every day and got up early for school, I thought something that would help with fatigue recovery would be good.Vitamins or supplements seemed too insincere, and after searching, everything seemed like an advertisement. I couldn’t get a feel for what would be good. In the end, I used the “mom card.”[Mom, I want to give a gift to my academy teacher for Teachers’ Day, what would be good? Something that helps with fatigue recovery.]After a couple of hours, I got a call from my mom.— Won-ah, why give a gift to an academy teacher? Suddenly?“Just because I’m grateful. He’s been there for many years.”— Oh, how thoughtful, my son!She laughed or not, but she didn’t respond. It must have been the hallway of the lecture room. I could hear people greeting my mom. She gave a straightforward answer.— Just buy him some vitamin drink.“Oh, but… he’s not sleeping well lately, working late and waking up early because of our exam preparations.”— Really?“It’s okay if it’s a bit expensive. I still haven’t used the money you gave me.”— Why? Didn’t you say you were going to buy shoes with your friend?I rolled my eyes for a moment and then responded quickly.“I didn’t buy them that time.”— Oh, really? Well, if it’s for lack of sleep and energy, ginseng might be good.Mom recommended ginseng. On my way to meet Seo Hangeon, I stopped by a department store and bought a ginseng set. Everything was expensive, but I chose the most expensive one. The feeling of spending 240,000 won for the first time in my life was surprisingly calm.I waited for Seo Hangeon in front of Starbucks. When Seo Hangeon came up from the subway station, his gaze immediately shifted to the box I was holding as soon as he saw me.“What’s this?”“It’s a birthday gift. You work late, so you must be tired.”In 0.2 seconds, I witnessed his face contort in a strange way as he tried to suppress a smile. I also sensed his eyes quickly trying to gauge my intentions. Just as I was about to raise my doubts about this odd feeling, Seo Hangeon had already put on a perfectly surprised expression.“How could you buy something so expensive!!! This is the first time I’ve received something like this!”Seeing him marvel at the contents of the paper bag, I thought perhaps my strange feeling was just a misconception. I cleared my thoughts and smiled with dignity.“I have a lot of money. I have nothing to spend it on. And this.”I gave him a two-page letter,“And this.”I also gave him a Post-it with “Happy Birthday” written in various languages, which I had looked up online.“Wow, this too! What’s this!”Seo Hangeon was more enthusiastic about the letter and Post-it than the ginseng set.“Ha… you really… how do you always get me like this?”From the moment we first spoke until now, for the kissing genius who never once asked about the watch I always wore, even this much effort wasn’t enough. Seeing him happy made me feel proud. After walking for a while, I felt something odd and looked beside me; Seo Hangeon was covering his eyes, laughing by himself.“Why?”“Huh? Nothing.”Even though it was his birthday that we met, Seo Hangeon bought me beef for lunch. I informed him that I only dip my beef in sesame oil. We rode bikes along the coastal road until evening and kissed like moss.Before returning my phone at home, I remembered the complex, subtle reaction Seo Hangeon had for 0.2 seconds earlier. With my phone in hand, I tilted my head and typed words into the search bar.[Ginseng effects]— Recovery of vitality… for students and mothers…— Nothing beats ginseng for boosting immunity! My child also…— …You need to know how to take it properly. Without knowing your constitution…— …When my mother-in-law gave me ginseng, how chilling it was…Mother-in-law? Chilling? Why? I stopped scrolling and clicked.— Erectile dysfunction! Testimonials of effects from ○○○○ ginseng! The unspoken troubles of middle-aged men, regain confidence and marital relations with ginseng.“…”— Everyone knows about the aphrodisiac effect of ginseng. ^^ There was a time when I had unspoken troubles. Even though my wife didn’t show it much, I could feel her dissatisfaction growing… when my mother-in-law gave me ginseng, how chilling it was… it was a matter of a man’s pride…I also felt a chill down my spine. I changed my posture and quickly typed in another search term. My head heated up.[Ginseng aphrodisiac]— Male virility, male power…— …Natural aphrodisiac…— Rock hard! Awakening the night…— Natural Viagra— Proven in patients with erectile dysfunction…— Increases hardness and erection power— Raspberries, ginseng, and acanthopanax, the three musketeers… investigation of aphrodisiac effects…“Damn…”I buried my head next to the jar full of vanilla cream candies. As I banged my forehead against the desk, two lessons were deeply ingrained in me. First, don’t lie to your mom. Second, Seo Hangeon is the master of reading between the lines.🏐In the meantime, there was one instance of traditional corporal punishment. It was because I got a third-grade score in Korean on the national mock exam. My score was just one point off the cutoff, marking me with a third-grade. Perhaps all things in life are determined by a difference of one second, one point, or one centimeter.No matter how hard I worked on my workbooks and organized my mistake notes, my Korean scores never followed my heart or effort. I knew it was foolish to express my frustration in front of my father. I resented the Korean subject for mocking me in the mock exam. I even resented the sturdy bamboo stick. No matter how much I thought, the primary function of the bamboo stick seemed to be for beating rather than music lessons.“What is your problem? I feed you, clothe you, give you allowance! What are you lacking compared to other kids that you can’t study? What’s the problem, Lee Won?!”Indeed. What is my problem?“Your friend, what’s his name, Lee Kangho? He’s known for being good at studying.”I think I heard that Kangho’s aunt is in the same golf club as my father.“You, don’t you feel any shame? Don’t you feel anything while being close to someone who always gets better grades than you? Huh? Don’t you have any pride or thoughts?”If I were close to someone who studied worse than me, my father would probably scold me, asking why I only hang out with such friends. No matter what life I lead, there’s no escape for me. I just wait for my father’s loud voice to end quickly.“Lee Won.”“Yes.”“Raise your grades in the next exam. If not, I’ll have to change your academy. Got it?!”“Yes.”“Go in.”My father, who had thrown the bamboo stick on the living room floor, nodded towards the bathroom. I was numb looking at the old-fashioned bronze half-frame glasses on his face.Sitting in the bathroom in just my underwear isn’t that hard. What makes one feel miserable is the series of processes leading up to it. You can’t just throw off all your clothes at once. The real purpose of this punishment is revealed in the act of taking off each piece of clothing under someone else’s will. Humiliation. Shame. If that’s the aim, it was truly an effective method.When I opened the bathroom door, wearing only gray striped boxers:“Where did you get the money for those shoes I haven’t seen before?”The Adidas sneakers Seo Hangeon had bought for me with an 80% discount when he first told me his wish.“…Mom gave me the money…”At my father’s subsequent outburst, I experienced my lips twitching with anger.“Anyway, that woman you call your mother is terrible at raising kids!”Seeing my distorted expression, my father strode across the living room. I felt a small breeze by my ear. It was his hand raised to slap my cheek.“Can’t you keep a straight face!”Yet, my lips twitched uncontrollably. I stared into the empty air.Father shoved me into the bathroom and entered my room. If it weren’t for that look of uncontrolled anger, this wouldn’t have escalated. After a while, the dozen or so fantasy novels I had slowly collected were thrown into the bathtub.Father filled the tub halfway with water and left the bathroom. The door closed, and the light went out. Although I couldn’t see clearly in the darkness, the image of books floating in the tub with their heads under water was vivid in my mind. I vaguely understood why I had become so good at giving up.I had so much I wanted to say to my father, but at that moment, I only wanted to say one thing. I whispered into the void so it wouldn’t be heard.“Dad, why did you say you raised me?”I heard a drop of water fall into the tub.“For the sake of appearances?”My toes felt slightly cold.“Or just because I’m your son?”As my eyes adjusted to the darkness, my consciousness began to harden. A stimulus to escape from this hazy consciousness came to mind. I yearned for the floating sensation when I used to scratch my wrist with a cutter. At the same time, I remembered what Seo Hangeon had said.‘My life’s fucked anyway, so it doesn’t matter.’I told Seo Hangeon not to say things like that. Not to hurt himself.So, I shouldn’t hurt myself anymore. To avoid contradicting my own words.I pitied the novels swimming in the water of the tub while recalling our kisses, drifting like moss over the Gwangalli sea.The next day, I skipped lunch after breakfast because I felt unwell. Since I skipped lunch, I thought I shouldn’t skip dinner, so I ate a triangular kimbap, but it immediately gave me indigestion. While listening to the academy class with a dizzy head, I suddenly wanted to see Seo Hangeon.He was probably working by now. I heard he decided to help out with evening deliveries for 2-3 days because a delivery part-timer at his senior’s pork hock restaurant suddenly quit. We probably couldn’t meet, but I wanted to hear his voice, so I took out my phone.[Stomach feels terrible] [Should I buy some antacid?]I had two text messages. I went out to the stairs behind the self-study room and called. I thought he might not answer because he was busy, but after a few rings, his voice came through.— Hey, what’s wrong? Are you very sick?“No, not that… just during break.”I could hear the noise of reality mixed with honking in the background. It sounded like a motorcycle engine was turning off.“Are you doing deliveries?”— No, I just got to the shop. Your voice sounds off.“…”— I’ll come right now.“Huh? But you’re working.”— I’ll say there’s something at home. If I don’t go, the boss will handle deliveries himself. It’s pathetic.“Still…”— Just lie down somewhere. I’m coming.After hearing him shout “Hyung!” the call ended. While lying sprawled on my desk, my mood gradually improved. I almost forgot about the novels that had been thrown away in the apartment’s recycling area that morning. How much time had passed? I heard a motorcycle outside, and then a text came.[Come out to the stairs, lol]I carefully opened the door, and there was Seo Hangeon climbing the stairs, shaking his helmet-pressed hair. He was in a casual outfit of a hoodie, black soccer shorts, and black Adidas leggings underneath. Seo Hangeon handed me a bottle of water he was holding and took out a square pill container from his pocket.“You look bad, your face is paler.”His rough palm touched my cheek. Inside the pill container, there were two kinds of pills. Was the yellow one for digestion, and the white one for headaches? He answered before I even asked.“The yellow one is for digestion, the white one for headaches. Since you often get indigestion, I bought this container and kept them in there. Now carry it with you.”“I don’t get indigestion all the time.”“Whatever, you do.”“Did you come on your motorcycle?”“He told me not to do deliveries today, so I came on my own.”“Oh… I feel bad…”“It’s fine. I didn’t want to do it anyway. Let’s sit.”We sat side by side on the stairs. Seo Hangeon watched closely as I opened the pill container and took out the pills. His intense gaze followed every movement of mine. After swallowing the antacid, I was considering whether to take the headache pill when Seo Hangeon spoke.“Did he hit you?”His face was warm and relaxed. I gave an awkward smile.“How did you know?”“I can tell. I’m your boyfriend.”This time, a genuine laugh came out, not an awkward one. Seo Hangeon stretched and muttered lightly.“Ugh— How should we deal with Lee Geunwoo, that bastard?”Hearing someone call my father a bastard was oddly satisfying.“Should I break the window of Lee Geunwoo’s clinic? Decorate the building with spray paint?”“Try it. My dad will find the culprit for sure.”“But should I try? You’re too much, boyfriend.”I laughed while fiddling with the pill container.Seo Hangeon pulled something out from the fanny pack he wore cross-body. He turned me around and lifted my leg onto his knee. My right leg was on top of his knee, and as my school uniform pants rolled up, he gently touched a bruise. When I flinched, Seo Hangeon whispered, “Sorry,” and opened a tube of ointment.“Ointment? What for?”“It’s for bruises.”“I didn’t know there was something like that.”“You get a lot of bruises playing soccer.”His index and middle fingers, coated with cream, gently rubbed the bruise spots on my calf. My vision was dominated by those fingers. Seo Hangeon, looking down, spoke as if it was no big deal.“Even if you report it, something like this won’t be treated as a case. They just send you back.”“…”“Just hold on a little longer, Won-ah. There’s not much time left.”“It’s okay. Besides, it’s my fault for doing something wrong.”“Won-ah. Look at me.”I looked up to meet his voice, which had lowered a tone.“It’s absolutely not your fault. You haven’t done anything wrong, and even if you did, you shouldn’t be hit. Got it? The one who hits is always wrong. Understand?”I nodded.“If it were me, I’d fight back until one of us was dead, but you’re not like that. So there’s nothing I can do… I can’t beat up your dad.”“Yeah.”Seo Hangeon clicked his tongue as he switched legs.“Anyway, it’s not your fault at all. Not even a bit. Got it?”“Uh-huh.”“Wow, you. You’re amazing. Living with Lee Geunwoo and putting up with it while studying so hard. You’re incredible.”I held back the hot feeling rising in my chest. With my heart trembling at the warmth of the hand on my calf, I answered.“You’re earning money. That seems more amazing to me.”“Why? What’s so great about making money?”“Just… because it must be stressful.”“More than being forced to study after getting hit?”“Isn’t it? Because for me… getting hit is occasional, but you work every day…”“Does it add up like that?”His warm laughter tickled my shinbone. I put my hand over his, holding in the desire I had suppressed. The thin skin touched my fingertips, and Seo Hangeon turned his head toward me.“I have a lot of problems.”His brown eyes paused for a moment before he smiled.“You? You have a lot of problems. Your cheeks are a problem, your forehead is a problem, your mouth is a problem, everything’s a problem. Because they’re sexy.”“Huh?”I raised my eyebrows in disbelief, and his straight fingers pinched my calf.“Look. This is like a rice cake.”“Rice cake…?”“Have you seen how they make rice cake at the market?”“No?”“When you touch rice cake right after it comes out of the machine, it feels just like this.”As Seo Hangeon was kneading the unbruised part of my skin, he grabbed my hand that was scratching his hand.“Look. This is also a problem. Your fingertips. What color are they?”“…Skin color.”“No, they’re apricot. Anyway, you have lots of problems.”Seo Hangeon leaned his upper body over, exuding his scent. The hand that was holding my calf moved below my neck and pulled at my buttons. I tried to push the overlapping bodies away, but his shoulder pressed against my arm, making it hard to move. Seo Hangeon’s target was my shoulder. He quickly undid a couple of buttons of my school shirt, lowering it to just below my left shoulder, then pressed his lips to my shoulder bone.“Is the rice cake ice cream good?”The sensation of his tongue licking my shoulder made me shrink my neck.“How about the white rice cake?”Taking advantage of my distraction from the tickling, his tongue moved to bite my cheek.“Stop!”Seo Hangeon licked his upper lip in regret and buttoned up my shirt again. After doing something so perverted, his next words were unexpectedly serious.“I have a new goal. I was going to open a shop right after graduation, but now I’m going to look for a place to live first.”“…Why?”“To take you away. To take you away from Lee Geunwoo.”I was hit with a shock that made my head ring. I suppressed my surging passion as I pulled down my pants leg.“You study. I’ll keep gathering money.”Seo Hangeon stroked my hair until it crackled with static. Before I left the stairs to get on the academy bus, he shook a Post-it between his fingers. When I reached out, he played a prank by trying to make me catch it with my mouth. When I said I was leaving, he sneaked behind me and tucked the Post-it into my shirt.When I got home, Dad turned off the TV he was watching the news on. I didn’t want to greet him, but I managed to say, “I’m back.” I don’t remember if he answered. After dropping my bag, washing up, and changing into pajamas, I lay in bed with itching fingers wanting to text.I’m home. Are you working? Isn’t it hard? No jerks, right?Should I stay up until you finish work? I want to see you working.Your bandana looked good. So did the blue outfit.…Thanks for today.I imagined sending about ten iMessages. I savored all those words that grew transparent like soap bubbles and burst. Earlier, Seo Hangeon had put a Post-it inside my shirt with this written on it:I want to give you a long kiss when I see you.He even put a period, so it seemed like he wanted to convey sincerity. I held up the Post-it to trace where the pen had gone.But then I squinted. Through the thin paper under the fluorescent light, I saw another trace. I frowned and brought the Post-it closer.The marks from what was written on the previous sheet were still there. It was a mistake from his bad handwriting. How hard had he pressed to leave pen marks? I was curious about what he had written and then torn off.I sat at my desk and took out a pencil. I sharpened one side of it to a blunt tip and began to gently shade over the Post-it. The path of the words left by the sharp pen tip gradually revealed itself.…a long kiss… want to…It seemed like the same content, but I continued shading.I want to do something longer than a long kiss with you…The Post-it was now a mess from the pencil shading, and the mistake of his bad handwriting was fully revealed.I want to do something longer than a long kiss with you.