Passion (BL Novel)

"No, wait. I think there’s some fundamental misunderstanding here. Let’s talk for a moment."
Jung Tae-yi quickly got up and sat in a formal posture. Seeing this, Shin-ru also adjusted her position and sat modestly in front of him. Even during this, she made a conscious effort to avert her gaze from the swaying objects around them. Jung Tae-yi hesitated for a moment, wondering how to begin, then looked directly at Shin-ru and slowly asked,
"Does it mean that when you said you've slept with a man, you were on top? I mean, not underneath...?"

"Yes. It started like that from the beginning, so I naturally always thought of it that way."
Shin-ru slumped and answered in a dejected voice when Jung Tae-yi asked with such a serious expression. Her face was so lifeless that it wouldn't have been strange if tears had started to fall. Jung Tae-yi fought to hold onto his resolve as he sat before Shin-ru, still deeply troubled. He hadn't expected this at all. No matter how many scenarios he'd imagined, this was one he had never considered. That he would be underneath... It wasn’t that it was impossible. He had never done it before, but he didn’t think being on the bottom would be such a big deal. In fact, he even thought there could be some enjoyment in being underneath. But still...
Jung Tae-yi pondered for a while. He didn’t want to make Shin-ru sad. But honestly, what he wanted was to hold her, not to be held by her.

As Jung Tae-yi wrestled with these conflicting thoughts, Shin-ru tilted her head and then gently kissed his lips. While he was still conflicted, Shin-ru licked his lips, then stretched her arms and pulled Jung Tae-yi into an embrace.
"Hyung. I was told I did well the first time too. I’ll really do well this time. Tae-i hyung."
"No. That’s not the issue..."

Jung Tae-yi muttered awkwardly. Hearing Shin-ru's pitiful whisper made his heart soften. There was a moment when he thought, just once... But his preferences didn’t align, so he held firm and kept thinking. However, suddenly, Shin-ru pushed him down. Then she climbed on top of him.
"Hyung. Let’s try it first. I don’t think I can hold back. Even if you say you don’t want to, I can’t stand it. I feel like I’ll die wanting to do it with you. How much longer do I have to wait—? Even if you don’t like it, please bear with me."
Looking down at Jung Tae-yi from above, she wore a completely different face—a selfish man determined to get what he wanted, not the innocent, loving younger sibling face. Shin-ru’s hand pressed on Jung Tae-yi’s shoulder, as if to force him into doing something against his will.

That’s when it happened. Jung Tae-yi, whose heart was weakening, was momentarily overcome with emotion. If he had thought just a little longer, maybe he would have indulged her, seeing it as a new experience. But after hearing those words, he knew he could never give in.
"Shin-ru."
"Mm...?"

"I didn’t want to lay a hand on you... But today, let’s just do this, okay?"
Jung Tae-yi looked at Shin-ru with a stern face and, noticing her confused expression, he struck her bare stomach with a swift punch. The inevitable result was that Shin-ru vomited, and the feeling of it made Jung Tae-yi’s insides churn again.
"Oh, right. It was potassium nitrate."

Jung Tae-yi woke up to his own voice. But as soon as he opened his eyes, it felt as though someone else had spoken, waking him up. He slowly got up from the bed and scratched his head as he glanced around, slightly confused.
"Potassium nitrate...?"
He had forgotten the dream he had just woken from. However, the words he had muttered lingered in his ears. Potassium nitrate. But he couldn’t understand why that would appear in his dream.

Jung Tae-yi stared blankly at the floor and then nodded, as if suddenly remembering something. He wasn’t sure, but he probably dreamed about his older brother. It might have been due to the scribbled schematics he saw a few days ago. His brother would often scatter strange blueprints or scribbles around the living room. He would scribble one thing and, when bored, move on to a completely new one on a new sheet of paper. Sometimes, the whole floor would be covered with papers.
When Jung Tae-yi had asked about it the first time—probably when he was still in middle school—his brother had answered with a nonchalant face, "If we make it like this, according to the theory, a small bomb might come out."
When Jung Tae-yi had excitedly suggested they try to make it, his brother had looked at him and asked, "Can you get me some potassium nitrate?" Jung Tae-yi hadn’t known what that was, so his brother had kindly explained that it was something like acetic acid, but Jung Tae-yi, being an ordinary boy, didn’t understand. In the end, the experiment remained nothing more than a conversation.
"Why did I suddenly dream about my brother...? I don’t even remember what the dream was about."

Jung Tae-yi muttered as he gently tugged at his hair. However, he understood why he had dreamed about it. The schematics from a few days ago. Thinking about it now, it really seemed like something his brother would write. He must have been thinking about it for a while.
His shoulder ached, as though he had slept in a strange position. Jung Tae-yi nodded and looked around the room. He had fallen asleep with the lights on in his uncle's room. After the joint training session ended, his uncle had told him he could visit anytime, and Jung Tae-yi often found himself here.
Jung Tae-yi’s business was usually just reading books, but his uncle was rarely ever here. He thought his uncle would be free after training, but the instructor had died during the session, so his uncle had been busy. When Jung Tae-yi visited, he would mostly read alone, sometimes bumping into his uncle when he left the room later.

Suddenly, his pager buzzed in his pocket. Jung Tae-yi pulled it out and saw a message.
"Good night and sweet dreams."
It was a polite and calm greeting. These types of greetings had been happening regularly recently. There was no need to check the sender. It was Shin-ru.

Ever since he returned from Hong Kong, it had been like this. Even if there was no special reason, she sent messages every day. Sometimes, when she had free time, she would visit Jung Tae-yi. When he opened the door, Shin-ru would look somewhat downcast, glancing at him shyly before sitting beside him. She would stay for a while before leaving with a subtle look of longing. It seemed like she had sent a message now because she had come to his room and found it empty. She didn’t ask where he was or to come.
Jung Tae-yi checked the message, then put his pager away with a bitter expression. After that, he had been avoiding Shin-ru to the point where it was barely noticeable. If she came by, he would still greet her warmly and chat briefly in the hallway, but he never initiated contact. Perhaps others didn’t notice, but he, being observant, could tell.
Last night, Shin-ru came by, looking so pitiful that she seemed ready to cry at any moment. She asked, "Tae-i hyung, do you hate me now?" Jung Tae-yi didn’t even have to think to shake his head. He didn’t hate Shin-ru, but the problem was her subtly changed attitude.

After the incident in Hong Kong—the one where, after getting vomited on, Jung Tae-yi took a shower and, while Shin-ru followed him, he suddenly felt an overwhelming sense of anxiety and ran off by himself—Shin-ru had become somewhat shameless. She seemed proud, even though she was still trying to be careful around him. She was no longer the shy, pitiful Shin-ru he knew. She was still lovable, but Jung Tae-yi found himself wondering, where had the child he once knew gone? He massaged his temples, lost in thought. He knew there would be no clear answer to that question.
Sighing, Jung Tae-yi muttered to himself, "It’s really strange. Ever since I’ve been here, my fate’s been getting darker. Things seem like they’re going well, but they subtly fall apart. I wonder if I can even leave here safely six months from now."
Just as he was lost in these uneasy thoughts, the familiar sound of machinery rang. Jung Tae-yi flinched, shrinking his shoulders and looking up. The phone on his uncle’s desk was ringing.

The screen of the monitor flickered faintly as the electronic sound continued.
Jung Tae-yi stared at the phone silently. His face slowly creased as he felt the tension. He didn’t recognize the caller, but this phone had been the source of a few unpleasant memories.
"..."

Without thinking, he decided not to answer. What good would it do?
He didn’t want to hear that man’s voice. The memory of the last night, tangled with Shin-ru, and the man’s cold, black eyes staring at him haunted his mind. That twisted, faint smile.
"Damn it. I’m getting angry again."

Jung Tae-yi muttered a curse and, in a burst of anger, grabbed the cup on his desk and threw it at the phone. The stainless steel cup hit the phone’s screen and fell to the floor, while the screen cracked, and fragments scattered. The receiver dropped to the floor, and the mechanical noise stopped.
Looking back, Jung Tae-yi realized how foolish he had been. Even though he consciously told himself otherwise, a part of him had thought of that man as a friend. Even when he spoke coldly and cruelly, there was always that unconscious thought that he would give in when the time came, that he didn’t want to fight.
But the truth was, the man had always kept his distance from others with a sharp, defined boundary. Jung Tae-yi had been foolish to ignore it. He had no one to blame but himself.

And yet, even knowing that, he still didn’t want to face him again. He didn’t want to hear his voice, or have anything to do with him, even in the slightest.
"Ah... Whatever. He’s the kind of guy who kills people without a second thought. Why should I care? Shin-ru... again, she’s annoying... Anyway, Shin-ru is still by my side."
Jung Tae-yi muttered to himself, as though trying to convince himself. That was when the door opened. He turned his head, and his uncle entered the room.

Without being surprised, his uncle greeted him casually, "Oh, you’re here."
"I got a rare book today. It should arrive by next week."
Jung Tae-yi nodded as he listened to his uncle happily talk. If his uncle had bought a book, that was great for Jung Tae-yi. It meant he could easily borrow a book that would otherwise be hard to get.

As his uncle hung his coat and looked at the broken phone on the desk, his eyes widened. Jung Tae-yi quickly turned his head, trying to hide his guilt, but it was impossible to conceal the truth.
"What happened? Why is the phone like this? Oh, the monitor’s broken too. This will be tough to repair."
His uncle didn’t seem angry, just curious, as he picked up the receiver that had fallen to the floor. Jung Tae-yi, feeling guilty for breaking the phone, glanced at his uncle and murmured, "Sorry."

His uncle looked at him with a curious expression and then asked,
"By the way, did you get a strange call or something?"
A strange call... His uncle paused, as if thinking about something, before Jung Tae-yi, realizing what his uncle might have been thinking, shrugged his shoulders.
 

"No, it’s not that. The phone was just really loud, so I threw the cup, and it hit the phone...”
"Hmm."
Uncle didn’t press further and just nodded. His lips tightened, and he seemed lost in thought. At that moment, the phone rang again. It appeared that only the monitor had broken, and the phone itself was still intact. Jung Tae-yi flinched and glared at the phone, while his uncle, standing right beside it, pressed the lamp. Even though pressing the lamp didn’t turn on the monitor anymore, he picked up the receiver.

"Yes, this is Jeong Chang-in. Ah, yes. I see... What kind of people are they? What’s their background...?"
Jung Tae-yi, who had been quietly listening from beside his uncle, relaxed his shoulders. Ah, so it’s not him.
After all, out of the many calls his uncle received, the calls from that man were just a small fraction. Why had he been so nervous? Or rather, why had he been nervous at all? What reason was there?

As Jung Tae-yi picked up a book and leaned against the bed, his uncle continued his conversation, which lasted quite a while. Every now and then, Jung Tae-yi would glance up, catching phrases that sounded unusual.
It seemed like the call was about internal matters. Perhaps something about promotions, transfers, or changes. From what he gathered, it sounded like they were discussing who would replace the instructor who had passed away. Among the conversation, topics like the upcoming months when the Consul-General would go to the U.S. or the potential deputy minister who could take the position of the Consul-General came up.
Jung Tae-yi thought about how things were progressing. Would his uncle’s superior, Rudolf Jantil, successfully become Consul-General as his uncle hoped?

Jung Tae-yi thought of Rudolf Jantil, whom he had seen a few times. He felt that the man, if appointed Consul-General, would manage the division well. But it was the same with the deputy minister, Mao Li-in, a man whom Jung Tae-yi had barely seen. Maybe once or twice, during a general assembly, but Mao always appeared distant. He was rumored to be thorough with his work, leaving no gaps.
Either way, someone who could rise to the position of deputy minister would certainly have the necessary skills. Whoever it was didn’t matter to Jung Tae-yi, but for someone like his uncle, the situation might be more sensitive.
But...

Jung Tae-yi looked up at the ceiling. It was clear that business and personal matters were different. From what he had seen, Rudolf didn’t seem to be a good fit with his uncle. There was a sense of two snakes entwining, but no real trust forming between them.
But that was a private matter, and Jung Tae-yi knew that the situation would be different if they were to clash professionally.
As he was lost in thought, his uncle ended the call and looked silently down at the phone.

"Seems like you’re busy," Jung Tae-yi commented.
His uncle slowly turned to look at him and answered with a thoughtful expression, sitting down on a chair. "Kiphenan died, you know. And so, there are different opinions about who should replace him. The people from headquarters and the branches each have their own candidate, and they’re all pushing different people. In the end, it’ll be based on their experience and evaluation, with the one with the highest score being chosen."
"I see... But you look a little upset. Did someone you don’t like make it onto the list of candidates?"

"No, I have no problem with it, but there’s one person who might cause trouble if they come over here."
"Well, just pick someone else then."
"It’s not up to me. Headquarters and the branch officers consult and narrow it down to the top candidates, and then a computer decides. Whoever has the highest promotion score."

Jung Tae-yi nodded and was about to say something when his uncle, after thinking for a moment, began grumbling, scratching his head in frustration.
"Dammit. Why the hell did Kiphenan go and do something unnecessary and get himself killed? Can’t he even distinguish between tasks he can handle and those he can’t? And now, he had to stir things up and pick that timing to piss off Rick..."
Jung Tae-yi, watching his uncle mumbling to himself, casually shrugged and changed the topic.

"How’s the next Consul-General position going? Do you think things will go as you wish?"
"Well, I don’t know. Right now, Jantil seems to have the edge. His past performance is good. But Mao has been in the deputy minister position longer and has more experience."
"Isn’t UNHRDO all about performance?"

"Many places claim that, but in practice, it’s really about the people leading things. It’s not always the case."
His uncle spoke casually. In fact, it seemed like his uncle was less concerned about the Consul-General position than Jung Tae-yi was. Jung Tae-yi tilted his head and decided to drop the subject. After all, he was only interested in surviving for the next six months and doing whatever work was asked of him.
"By the way, I got a message from Rick the other day," his uncle said casually.

Jung Tae-yi, who had been flipping through the pages of a book, stopped, his hand halting mid-turn. Reflexively, his face darkened slightly, but his uncle, not noticing, continued speaking.
"I heard things are a little chaotic in the European branch lately. Since the instructor position is vacant, they’ll have to send someone from another branch, and inevitably, that means a big transfer. So, it could be a massive reshuffle."
Jung Tae-yi flipped the page without much thought, but something didn’t sit well with him.

"I thought transfers directly from the European branch to the Asian branch don’t happen?"
"Mm, they don’t. Unless there’s a very good reason, it doesn’t happen. It’s not strictly forbidden, but customary law plays a big role. So, candidates from the European branch will probably be excluded first. Unless something out of the ordinary happens."
His uncle nodded as he spoke. Jung Tae-yi, still feeling uneasy, sighed deeply, his chest tightening. He recalled something Irei had said when he was still in the military.

In my case, the results I’ve built up have become a golden tower. It seems that promotion talks are starting to come up, whether I want them or not.
Jung Tae-yi looked down for a moment before asking his uncle.
"So, if there’s someone in the European branch who could be promoted, but a position opens in Asia, what happens?"

"They send someone suitable from another branch to Asia, and then the person from the European branch will go to the vacant position... Why? Do you have someone in mind from the European branch?"
His uncle suddenly asked. Jung Tae-yi furrowed his brow for a moment before shaking his head. "No, it’s nothing," he said, brushing off the uneasy feeling. It was just overthinking. He had become too sensitive. If there was anything practical to worry about in this situation...
"Maybe in three months, if that guy gets transferred to the branch where we’ll do joint training, we’ll meet again."

Jung Tae-yi muttered to himself. Saying it out loud made him feel even more uneasy. They say that if you think about bad things too much, they end up becoming reality. Dammit, he had to clear his head.
Jung Tae-yi shook his head, trying to forget the thought. His uncle, looking down at him with some thought in mind, suddenly smiled faintly and broke the silence.
"By the way, I heard you’ve become close with Shin-ru lately. I hear she visits your room often... at night."

"..."
Jung Tae-yi stiffened and shut his mouth. Then, he stared at his uncle, realizing that he could never let his guard down around him. He had no idea how much his uncle knew, and he was tired of trying to read him.
"Well... yeah, that’s right."

"Last week, you went to Hong Kong with Shin-ru, didn’t you? She even booked a room at the Peninsula... the Grand Deluxe. How was the room? Did you enjoy the view?"
Or perhaps, was the view of something else more interesting, his uncle teased, with a knowing smile. Jung Tae-yi scowled under his calm expression. What was it with this place? How did rumors spread so quickly?
"Grand Deluxe? I didn’t know that. The room was nice, though. I do remember it was spacious enough to /N_o_v_e_l_i_g_h_t/ hang laundry covered in vomit."

Jung Tae-yi said flatly. His uncle paused for a moment, looked at him curiously, and then asked,
"Vomit-covered laundry? What’s that about?"
"I guess the rumors haven’t spread that far. That day, Shin-ru wasn’t feeling well and collapsed before she could even get into the room."

"...Hah."
His uncle’s expression seemed surprised, perhaps even a bit regretful. It looked like he was searching for something to tease, though.
"Poor Shin-ru."

"Poor Shin-ru? You mean, it’s Shin-ru who’s pitiful?"
Jung Tae-yi replied, a little sharply. His uncle looked at him again with a strange look, then smiled faintly.
"You know, Shin-ru is just your type. She’s pretty, delicate, with a sweet and innocent personality."

"…"
"But you know, she has her surprises. You'll slowly find out as you get to know her."
Jung Tae-yi kept quiet. He had an inkling of what his uncle meant by "surprises." The thought made him feel downcast.

His uncle, noticing his mood, spoke teasingly.
"Besides, she’s a good choice for a girlfriend. She’s smart, quick-witted, and sharp enough to play the role of a liaison at our branch. Plus, she comes from a very good family. Her father is from one of the wealthiest and most well-known families in China. People in the business world know him just by name."
Jung Tae-yi frowned, his face turning slightly grim as he looked at his uncle. His uncle was smiling, but not joking. Jung Tae-yi sighed and glanced at the ceiling. He could tell that Shin-ru came from a good family, but hearing it like this made him feel strange. It didn’t really matter what kind of prestigious family she came from. After all, he himself came from a distinguished family—his brother, a remarkable figure, and his uncle, who was also quite outstanding.

As these thoughts crossed his mind, he couldn’t help but dwell on Shin-ru’s "surprises," which only made him feel even more melancholy. He knew the surprises his uncle mentioned weren’t related to family background.
Jung Tae-yi rose from the bed, feeling frustrated. He glanced at his uncle, who was still watching him with an amused smile, then scowled and turned away.
"I’m leaving now."

"Already? Aren’t you going to borrow a book?"
"I’ll come back later to read it."
Jung Tae-yi sighed and waved his hand without looking back. He heard his uncle chuckling softly. It only made him feel worse.

"Ta-eui."
Just as Jung Tae-yi was about to leave, his uncle called him back with a thoughtful expression. Jung Tae-yi paused just outside the door and turned his head. His uncle, still smiling strangely, spoke quietly to him.
"Hang in there. It’s only a few more months. You just have to make it through."

"...? Yeah, I’ll do that. Take care, Uncle."
Jung Tae-yi nodded at his uncle’s encouragement and left the room, feeling a tightness in his chest.
When he opened his eyes, everything around him was dark. He glanced briefly at the ceiling, then turned his gaze to the glowing clock next to his bed. It wasn’t even 5 AM yet. Unless it was one of the few members with the habit of waking up early, no one else would be up at this hour.

Jung Tae-yi lay there for a few seconds before realizing why he had woken up. The phone was ringing. It wasn’t loud, but the steady beeping sound had been going on for some time now.
"..."
Jung Tae-yi frowned and got up. He glared at the phone, then stood up and walked toward it.

At this hour, the only person who would call would be… his brother.
He suddenly thought of someone. His brother, who usually led a regular life but occasionally went out irregularly or stayed out late, sometimes did strange things that weren’t too big a deal. Like calling during the night when everyone else was asleep, or asking for his passport a couple of hours after telling him he was stepping out for a bit.
Having lived with this kind of person, Jung Tae-yi thought the call must be from his brother. But then he paused, realizing something.

Wait. My brother wouldn’t know this number.
The thought crossed his mind as he picked up the receiver. "Why are you calling?" He asked flatly, and only then did he realize that if it really were his brother, he could have dialed any number, and by some miracle, reached him.
When he looked at the lamp, it was red. It was an external line. If it had been an internal call, he would have thought it was from his uncle, Shin-ru, or perhaps a colleague about some internal matters. But someone calling from the outside... It had to be his brother, calling out of sheer coincidence.

Still unsure, Jung Tae-yi spoke again to the silent receiver.
"Hello?"
There was still no answer. Jung Tae-yi frowned. It might be a wrong number or a prank call. Waking someone up at this hour with a pointless call was enough to be annoying.

"Ugh... who the hell is calling at this hour..."
"Guess you’re doing well."
Just as he was about to hang up, a quiet voice came through the receiver. He froze. He gripped the phone tighter, and the sleepiness faded instantly.

He couldn’t have mistaken that voice. It was slow, languid, with a subtle laugh.
"…Waking me up at dawn... today’s really something…"
Jung Tae-yi clicked his tongue. The laughter from the other side only made him feel more depressed. Danger. Danger. This person was already someone he would never see again, yet instinctively, his mind was warning him. He had nothing to gain by continuing this conversation. He had been draining himself on his own, just a while ago.

"These days, I heard you don’t go to the instructor’s room to hang out anymore."
"No, I went there yesterday, and the day before."
Jung Tae-yi muttered, displeased. Irei. Irei LeGrow. He couldn’t understand why this man had suddenly called him.

"What’s going on? If you were trying to reach my uncle’s room, you dialed the wrong number."
"No, I just spoke to your instructor earlier. He told me all about you."
Jung Tae-yi froze. What had his uncle said to him? More importantly, why was this man asking about him?

His uncle... What had he told him? What reason could there be for this man to ask about him?
"That cute kid... is everything going well with him?"
Irei’s voice was slow again. Jung Tae-yi furrowed his brow. Shin-ru. He didn’t want to talk about Shin-ru with this man. Even though he had no reason to feel threatened now, the anxiety crept back in.

But, on the other hand, it started to feel a bit infuriating. Shin-ru, for whatever reason, had willingly given herself to this damn man, and yet, when it came to him, she acted like she was trying to put him down.
As he was thinking this, Irei’s voice continued.
"How was it? Did it match your taste? It was pretty delicious, though I thought the seasoning was a little weak. I prefer someone who knows how to flirt better."

"Is that why you called? If you want to talk about something dirty, call someone else, or better yet, call Shin-ru. Then she won’t ever look at you again."
Jung Tae-yi bluntly showed his displeasure. He was furious at the idea of someone waking him up to talk about such personal matters.
"Haha, no. I’ve been busy lately. Just finished some work a little while ago, and thought of you. I wanted to see how you’re doing. You don’t answer your instructor’s calls anymore..."

Irei’s voice lowered slightly, as though he knew Jung Tae-yi was avoiding him.
Jung Tae-yi clicked his tongue. He wanted to hang up right away, but for some reason, he didn’t. His sleep had long gone.
The last time he had seen Irei was before he left for Europe, when he was with Shin-ru on the bed. They hadn’t spoken, not even a word. If he had to pick the last conversation they had, it was probably at the military base. He hadn’t even been able to say a proper goodbye. But then again, Irei probably didn’t care about such things either.

"Yeah, come to think of it, I never really said goodbye. When I went to say goodbye before we left, it wasn’t the right moment, so... I guess I’ll just say 'bye' now."
Since they would never see each other again, it was "bye." He hoped this call really would be the last. It was uncomfortable and unpleasant. His feelings must have come through the phone because Irei laughed.
"Sounds like you're upset. What’s bothering you? ...Did you hug that kid?"

"No, I... can’t really say I didn’t."
Jung Tae-yi tried to deny it, but then he gave up and nodded. He knew Irei wouldn’t be fooled by his denial. The thought came back to him, and every time it did, his insides churned with bitterness.