Rent a girlfriend: Reincarnated as a responsible menace.

It all started with one tweet 3 days ago! 

'If I hit 5M subs in UTube, I'll let people roast me live. #RoastKazuya'

I expected it to work. But not that quickly.

And I defenitely didn't expect Baldy in a fake wig, and eyebrows and call dibs as my 'first girlfriend'.

Well today I realized that what you expect is something you should never expect to happen in first place.

Sounds confusing? Don't worry, it's just me yapping to prep for the future trauma.

[Intro jingle plays!!! (Death Note OST)] 

"Welcome Brats to the first and last- because only his ashes would remain after this scaldingly Emotional Roast of Kazuya Kinoshita. And today for a change, I'm the host for this long night"

I smiling to the camera while drinking my cool water says coolingly,

"Let's get this over with"

CAPTAIN BALD

Baldie Blocks came first wearing a leopard scarf he stole from his mom, and heart shaped eye burning pink glasses.

"When I dated Kazuya, I thought he had emotional depth. In truth he just doesn't know how to end conversations"

"This is what you came up with? You're literally wearing your mom's clothes at 20. Heck, you're not even doin a voice right now."

"You didn't do therapy, did we say anything? No, so mind your business."

...Why is he acting like my actual ex? She's not even in this world.

#"Captain Bald is now officially Mr. Reliable"

#"HELP THIS IS TOO REAL 😭"

#"Captain Bald as unhinged as my step-mom"

Wait what?

BEAVER BOY

Wait no. Who was that guy? NO ANSWER ME AUTHOR!!!

While I was questioning reality, and my existence [AN: This guy needs to have his memories removed], Kuri came in with a bright pink hoodie and plastic tiara, and said in a high pitched tone.

"He said he liked complicated women. So I started every sentence with 'I had a dream about Saturn.'"

...That was a good one.

"I bet no one even understood it. And who're you talking about? You're into that young sister type or some shit"

"And YOU journaled in haiku, don't test me fool"

"What? I'm doing business studies"

Chat wouldn't have it though. Stupid kids, shaping there thoughts at the first sign of something flashy.

#"Kazuya journals in haiku confirmed."

#"This stream is therapy with jumpcuts." 

#"So Beaver Boy got dumped by a younger sister type?"

#"...You're not even focusing on the real shit"

Then Kuri spoke in his normal voice, "Real talk though? Kazuya listened when I don't even make sense. He doesn't try to fix you, just becomes the breathing room for us to breathe our thoughts. Always hearing them but never tries to influence. That's rare"

"I didn't know y-"

"Rarer than Kazuya's abs even."

"Kuri you little Fuck"

GRANDMA NAGOMI- GOAT

She didn't dress up in pink like the rest. THANK THE HEAVENS FOR THAT

"Kazuya's the kind of man who still buys flowers for girls he doesn't love — out of habit.That's how kind he is. And also how stupid. Who gives flowers to your ex asshat?"

"That's sweet coming from your bitter mouth Grams" I replied snarkingly but good natured.

"But look at you now" She now says earnestly.

"You are growing. Healing. Helping others. You've become a better version of yourself.

Well you still can't bake, but we can't have everything can we?"

"Uhhh... Grandma this is the roast show. You're supposed to be roasting me. Not praising me like no tomorrow"

"Just take the praise you damn punk. Besides, I'm the host, I have no obligation to roast you."

"Well that's true"

Knock, Knock, Knock... no ominious feeling.

I opened the door and...

"Hey bestie" The Gremlin says wearing a cat hoodie and the biggest grin around.

#"Holy Hell- The Date Devil's summoned"

#"EMOTIONAL GRENADE INCOMING"

#"Best girl has returned!!!"

#"No Sumi Best girl!!!"

#"HER ENERGY IS STILL TERRIFYINGLY CORRUPTIVE"

I asked blinking "…Did someone leave the chaos gate open?"

"I came here to roast you and promote emotional stability. I can multitask.", she answered with a deadpan.

Well unexpected yet again.

THE DATE DEVIL

"Loving Kazuya was like loving a tamagotchi, constant maintenance, constant beeping, and you cry when it dies"

Tamagotchi? Who the hell use it now?

"What's with you guys being so old school? No one plays Tamagotchi anymore" 

"It's not playing again. Just visiting once in a while after dropping it altogether.

See, another similarity."

Before I could reply-

"But in all seriousness, you helped me see the difference between love and obsession.

So I came here to say thanks"

"Anything for my charmingly annoying children"

"Also you talk like my mom, so obviously I can't be wi-"

"SHUT UP!!"

This was going on, while the two sly dogs, and grandma were playing poker.

Kuri was winning by a landslide.

Kibe heatfully exclaims, "You've got to be cheating tooth face"

"What the fuck even is tooth face?"

This time Grams replies, "Don't change the subject tooth face. How're you doing this?"

"A magician ne-"

""I used to say this line at third grade!!!"" Both of them exclaimed.

Meanwhile

Ruka takes out a dating contract, which was never signed in the first place and rips it off and says,

"I'm retiring from emotional hostage-taking. Now I'm a wandering healer who heals and kicks ass at same time"

"How does that even work?"

"I don't know, I just said because it sounded cool"

"...Well you're not wrong."

CHAT

#"If healing was a guy with ramen hair and emotional baggage, it'd be you."

"Ramen hair?"

#"Kazuya's so emotionally aware now, my boyfriend watches his streams and takes notes."

"Your boyfriend's a G"

#"Kazuya makes crying masculine to the point, that my PE teacher cried when we won the match"

To this Kibe responds, "How the hell's a kid watching your stream?"

"Well Ruka's here so..." I reply while Ruka is cursing little school rhymes, which I ignore.

The End of The Stream!

"Thanks for the support guys. I created this channel to cope, now we're all coping"

Grandma follows it up with, "And remember: If someone ghosts you twice, lose their tires."

"Metaphorically"

"Legally" Kibe corrects me.

Stream ends. I sit back on my chair, while everyone else on the bed.

Grandma is chatting with Ruka, giving her life advices, which she's actually jotting them down.

Kibe and Kuri having nothing to do, are playing COC.

And me? I was sitting in the balcony, enjoying the peace.

One Saturday!

Its been a week since I did the roast. The support was quite positive to say the least.

There were actual edits of me laughing at some roasts from Kuri and Ruka. Not only that, but there were parody edits of Kibe as Mr. Reliable and best mommy.

But the best of them was Grandma's phonk edit for the 'tires line'.

And I've no idea why, but #RamenHair was trending on Twitter(Not X).

Anyways, it was 9 am, and it was a day off from college, so I was just sipping some coffee, and while playing Metal Gear Rising for the fifth time when I got an email notification on my laptop.

###

From: [email protected]: Feature Request: "Japan's Most Emotionally Evolved Man"

Dear Mr. Kinoshita,We recently viewed your viral livestream "The Emotional Roast."Would you be open to a photo shoot and feature interview for our upcoming "Modern Romance" issue?

Our readers are especially drawn to your blend of brutal honesty, empathy, and poetic sarcasm.

Let us know.

We'd love to spotlight the man making introspection sexy.

###

"Poetic Sarcasm? That's one way to put it I guess."

I decided to call Grams before replying.

"Grandma… a dating magazine wants to interview me."

"Oh, wear the pink shirt. You look manly in it"

So here we are.

In an interview, my host Mrs. Freya was wearing a red dress with a coat, while I following grandma's advice was wearing the pink shirt under the cozy cardigan.

There was not much in introduction so we skipped that part cause introductions are boring and went straight to the question.

"Mr. Kazuya, or I say Love Guru, 'what do you think modern dating is lacking?'"

"Self Awareness. And fewer people texting like playing a match of sudoku"

"Would you date one of your subscribers?"

"Only if they could outlast me in emotional intelligence. And mario kart"

"What's your biggest romantic regret if I may ask?"

"Well... not a regret exactly but thinking that needing someone was the same as loving them. I learned that lesson the hard way, and which is why I'm where I'm"

After some more questions, it was time for the photoshoot. I was not picky so we actually ended quite quickly.

Though in every pic, there was grandma in background just sipping on her tea.

You know the usual.

Later that night I got a call. It was chizuru.

"So you're Japan's Most Emotionally Evolved Man?"

"I know. Total fraud. You want the mug?"

"Why not. It better have a safety warning tho"