Rose Blumen ~ Exogignesthai 1

(Rose)

Blume is puzzled. She loves some parts of my idea, and far less other aspects. Amongst which, my survival first of all.

So even though nothing is set in stone yet, we continue to discuss them.

B - I'm stuck because I would then live with the new you no matter what. I wouldn't be able anymore to bring you back to life without disobeying and abandoning... you. Ah! You're mean!

R - You know what will happen if I die, for you, and the other me.

B - Yes... I want that, being with you. But I don't want you to die either! Ah you made it so confusing...

R - That's funny. Usually I'm the confused one. Come on. Deep down, you know everything will be fine. We'll find our way. And I have faith in your success. Don't be afraid of the changes to come. You're practically a rose now. You will prevail.

B - But I will miss you... Maybe.

I laugh a little. That's quite right in a weird way.

I hug her until her image melts between my arms and within me. What I see shivers. I think I am waking up. The dream ends as pain wakes me up in my flesh.

~

My belly is on fire as I feel it awaken. Despite Blume 's control over my nerves, it still hurts a lot.

I cough sand that got inside my mouth and sinuses while I slept. I can hardly move still. I'm buried in sand under an empty cerulean sky.

I cough, sneeze, and bring my face and my arms to the surface. It hurts.

R - Was I this badly wounded or are you pranking me?

B - I've done the best I could to avoid your death.

So she did this to me, on her own, with her senseless hatred. Poor monster...

R - Humans are scary...

B - The worst and the best. They can bring both.

R - Do you think I'm a good person?

B - Well that is a delicate question. I know you're afraid because you feel guilty for many things that happened in your odd life. I also know you want to be confident about the choices you make, even though you can doubt them always for their good moral value. And you know that essentially by nature, I don't care about morals or ethics. Furthermore, you know that my love for you primes over all to me, even above my own self-preservation in the past. Then I don't quite see you as a person who would ask such a question just for the easy reassuring flattery of me saying yes without thinking about it. So in my right mind, I would say...

R - Such a convoluted way to say that it's more complex than this question makes it sound... Oh Blume... You're just like me.

Now she's confused and a little euphoric also. She's giggling.

What the answer is will remain a blur, and for me a struggle between my instincts and my ideals.

I uncover my belly from the sand covering it. My flesh has become a complex soil intertwined with threads of flesh, blood vessels, roots, stems and buds, with coagulated sand everywhere. I tear up a little as I look at what I've become. It still hurts as if it burned.

I'm glad this lesson of humility didn't cost us our dreams or our lives... We weren't far from it.

Because I still live. I still live in this odd world of ours, between her invisible arms. My sweet flower keeps saving my life while I go wild and reckless. We're odd, I found us odd travellers in a strange world. Yet I enjoy that very much.

When I die, she will go through hell to bring me back to life.

And she will succeed...

I begin to stand. My legs are trembling. I don't like being that much naked but the mixture of wounded flesh and coagulated sand almost dresses me.

I look up and have a kind of laugh, the sky filling my eyes.

Look at me father.

It's becoming so amusing to me it even hurts me more as I laugh. I'm so happy, so relieved, so grateful, and so amused. If you could see me now...

I'm yelling with a joy bordering on insanity in my voice.

R - Come Blume, let's open a door to your world! Let's ascend to our better self and future!

B - Alright then, oh insane Rose. Let's mark history.

We laugh together as I step aside from my grave of complex sand. We don't care about history. We just want to be happy, and it goes with plays.

Me with you. Her with me. And we will achieve that insane dream with her unholy power and my current life, surely unholy already, in more ways than one.

My hair is a mess, and it's the part of me that still looks best. I look like a walking corpse already. I've seen dead people looking better than me today. That makes me laugh.

I've always looked a little hollow, with something cold like a slightly morbid tint under my lightly sunken eyes, or frail mannerisms. Not quite frail, but with a hint of hopelessness in the shades.

Not today. Not after all this. Not before what we're going to do, what I've come through these last years, as to believe as possible to come.

I've come to believe again... In you!

In my Blue Rose to bloom again!

Against all odds. Against time, against death, against guilt and shame. Against the reality we come from and against all that's moral or normal.

With demons like her now living in the world, my wish can become true, somewhat.

The true cost being perhaps just morality.

Back in the old world, would have I killed for you?

I never had to, as far as I know. I never needed to.

Here, I sure did. I'm already tainted.

So please, let me love you once more... I want to be alive with you by my side, so much it hurts me...

I don't just want my heart to be alive, I want yours too!

I release a joyous and primal cry to that day that will come.

As we reach the immortal monument once more. We climb it slowly again. Very slowly this time. I'm crawling literally one step after another.

B - Why do you want me to open the door up there?

R - Because... Reasons... Their beliefs... Symbol... Plus, for me... It's something for my father... An accomplishment he wouldn't have dreamt of... Finally...

I reach the top, crawling, painting, in pain and covered in the remaining sweat my drying body can give.

I see the desert, the sky, the Earth. The world, the endless world we exist on, it begins here with this sumptuous landscape caressing eternity since the oldest times. It's so pretty...

R - Finally...

We will give life to our blue roses here. Hers and mine will go together.

I lie there, dying, but not scared. I completely trust her. I'm happy.

~

As I'm unconscious again, Blume gives me a first taste of her world in my dream.

A first taste and sight of the otherworld where matter does not quite exist.

Chaos, primal void and nil. Nothingness.

Yet, there she exists. And she's far from being alone.

Like the depth of a very dark ocean. It looks void, but some things still exist there.

Only they feel like gods at the dawn of creation and want to reach the surface we come from.

I see the darkest woods at night. There's naught but a glow in the distance. A figurative door to the other side in the distance. A picture book that Blume drew for me, to see what it may look like before we get serious.

My body slowly walks or floats toward that nameless frontier.

The glow that is the gate becomes like fire, but blue and purple. It's still very silent because it remains far away.

It becomes a ring of fire in front of me, blue, and the darkness of the pupil in the middle is magnified by the surrounding light.

As I begin to hear a noise, the circle is wider than me and closer. I keep getting closer but it's beginning to look like a rainbow. A dark rainbow beyond which she is, in a sea without name, behind a border that doesn't really exist.

I reach it. The circle surrounds me but from so far away, I almost cannot see it anymore. It doesn't feel like passing a door or diving into water.

It just feels like entering nothing. Beyond there, there is nothing anymore to see, feel or perceive in any way.

Even my body seems gone. All that is left is my consciousness, my thoughts to remind me that I exist.

Time disappeared. My mind is unable to keep track on its own.

I lose faith for a while. I get scared of dying in oblivion and lies.

I'm scared, yet I can't feel my heartbeat, nor anything else that would remind me that I still live.

This place maxes anxiety rise as much as darkness and loneliness can scare a young child. I've returned to a younger self, scared and lost in an endless night.

This is... very harsh. I can see why any sensitive being would do everything they could to leave this place, or just breathe. This place is suffocating.

Was I presumptuous (again)? Can I survive on the other side when it's like that?

I call for Blume.

I call for her to appear by my side. I want her to end this trial.

Nothing happens, though she usually appears instantly inside my dreams. Is she putting up a joke on me? Was this to check the firmness of my resolve? Or how long I could hold and then warn me that I couldn't make it to the end?

I feel lost and scared. I'm about to panic.

There's nothing but what's left of your mind. Your body doesn't exist. And nothing else either exists... Neither time, nor space, nor world, nor reality... Only what you can think, and wait.

It's a prison...

Of course they want to escape...

Her world is terrifying.

~