Scented Claudia

It was quiet in the hospital room, too quiet for how hard my heart was pounding.

Sebi was asleep at last, propped up on a small hospital cot, hooked to a saline drip.

He looked better.

The fever had broken hours ago after meds and fluids.

He was so small, curled on his side in the thin blanket, breathing evenly.

I ran my fingers through his hair and tried not to cry again.

Raphael stood near the window.

He'd barely said anything since earlier.

He was watching the city lights outside, arms folded, profile rigid with tension.

I knew we couldn't avoid this.

Finally he spoke, voice low.

"We need to talk."

I flinched.

"Raphael—"

"Not here. Not in front of him," he said firmly, glancing at Sebi.

He was right.

I brushed my fingers over Sebi's cheek one last time and kissed his forehead.

Then i followed Raphael out of the room.

We didn't go far, just into the hallway outside the pediatric wing, where the lights were dimmed and the nurses were too busy at the station to pay us any mind.

He didn't look at me right away.

He exhaled shakily, raking a hand through his hair.

"You should've told me."

"I know." My voice cracked.

"You kept him from me."

I wiped my eyes angrily. "I thought it was the right thing. I didn't want to trap you, Raphael."

"Trap me?" His voice rose a fraction, bitter. "You think you're doing me a favor by taking away my son?"

I winced.

He let out a humorless laugh.

"He's mine too, Claudia. I have rights. I have a say."

"I know you do."

He turned on me, eyes flashing. "Good. Because i won't let you dissappear again. I'm not going to pretend he doesn't exist."

"I'm not asking you to," I whispered.

He fell silent, but i could see him shaking a little.

His jaw worked, emotion thick in his expression.

"Five years, Claudia. Five years i missed. His first steps. First words. First day of school."

I covered my mouth, trying not to sob out loud.

"I'm sorry," I managed to choke.

He closed his eyes for a moment, breathing hard.

When he spoke again, his voice was low and even.

"We need to figure out how this is going to work."

I blinked, tears dripping onto my blouse.

"You mean…"

"Co-parenting."

I wrapped my arms around myself, shivering.

"Raphael—he's never been away from me. Not even one night."

He didn't soften.

"I get that. But it's going to happen. I'm his father. I have every right to time with him."

I couldn't stop the tears now.

He ran a frustrated hand over his face.

"I'm not trying to take him away. But i'm not going to be some stranger who drops by for birthdays."

My knees felt weak.

I backed up until i hit the wall, sliding down a little.

Raphael sighed and crouched in front of me.

"Claudia."

I refused to look at him.

"He's my whole life," I whispered.

"I know." His voice cracked too. "And he's mine now too. Whether you like it or not."

Silence.

I hugged my knees to my chest, eyes stinging.

"I don't want him to be confused."

"He won't be," Raphael said firmly. "We'll make it clear. We're both his parents. We both love him."

I sniffed.

He hesitated.

"Let's… talk logistics."

I shook my head miserably.

"Please. Claudia. We have to."

I forced myself to lift my eyes to his.

"Like what?"

He exhaled.

"How often can i have him? Even just for overnights at first. We'll go slow. I don't want to scare him."

My heart clenched painfully.

Overnights.

My voice cracked.

"I've never been away from him. He's going to cry. He's going to ask for me."

Raphael's eyes softened slightly, but he didn't back down.

"I'll call you. Every time he asks. I'll let you talk to him."

I wiped my eyes with the heel of my hand.

"He sleep in my bed sometimes."

Raphael's face twisted with regret.

"I missed that too. Let me try to make it up."

I hiccupped a sob.

He let out a breath.

"Look—I'm not going to be cruel about this. I know he doesn't know me yet the way he knows you. But i want him to."

I swallowed hard.

"How many nights?"

He was quiet.

"Two a week?"

"That's… so much," I whispered.

He closed his eyes, then opened them.

"One then. One night. At first. We can renegotiate. But Claudia—I want consistency. I want to be there. He needs to know me."

I couldn't argue.

Raphael reached for my hand.

At first i jerked back.

But he just stayed there, waiting.

Eventually i let him hold it.

His fingers tightened around mine.

"I'm not your enemy," he said quietly.

I hiccupped.

He squeezed my hand again.

"I'm angry. But I don't hate you. I could never hate you."

I looked at him, eyes swimming.

"I just want him to know I'm his dad."

My voice cracked.

"He already does. He asked for you."

Raphael shut his eyes tightly, shaking.

He let go of my hand, wiping his face roughly.

"Okay." He sniffed. "Okay. We'll make this work."

I nodded numbly.

-

We went back into the room quietly.

Sebi was still sleeping peacefully, a little pale but breathing evenly.

Raphael sat next to him, touching his hair so gently it broke me.

I stood there, watching.

He didn't look back at me.

But he spoke anyway.

"Thank you for taking care of him. For keeping him safe."

My eyes burned.

We didn't say anything more.

-

Later, when they discharged Sebi, I carried him out to the car.

Raphael walked beside me, a steady presence.

He helped buckle Sebi in, brushing his cheek.

"Daddy will see you soon, okay?"

Sebi mumbled sleepily. "Okay, Daddy."

I almost lost it right there.

Raphael's eyes met mine over the car seat.

"One night. This weekend."

I swallowed.

"Okay."

I drove home in silence.

Sebi snored softly in the back.

But my hands were trembling on the wheel.

By the time i got to my condo, I was full-on panicking.

What if he didn't bring him back?

What if he decided he wanted full custody?

What if my son chose him over me?

I carried Sebi up, tucking him into his bed carefully.

Then i locked myself in my room.

I collapsed on the floor, pressing my hands over my mouth to stifle the sobs.

The future stretched out before me, terrifying and uncertain.

And for the first time since leaving China, I wasn't sure i could do this on my own.

Not anymore.