The Excommunicated Saint Wants to Lose

I became a saint in a game.
It’s a fact that I’ve come to accept calmly only now, after three years have passed.
At first, I was full of discontent, but now I don’t mind being called a saint.
That’s how much time has passed.
But the feeling of resentment still remains.
Clitia Eluke.
My current name.
Even though I had seen the ending of several times, it was very unfamiliar at first.
It’s natural.
Because it’s a character from the past that only appears in the setting.

The world before the main story begins.
That meant the game knowledge I had was useless.
It was impossible to design all situations and events like the protagonists in web novels.
So, although I’m still angry, I’ve faithfully carried out the duty given to me.
As the saint of the hero’s party.
I tried my best with my companions to catch and punish the Demon Lord.
Fortunately, everything has gone smoothly so far.
Even the Four Heavenly Kings of the Demon Lord’s army were no match for us.
Now, the only enemy left is the Demon Lord.
I was nervous, but I thought we could subdue him just as we had done so far.
It was a misconception, and arrogance.
“Is it over already? This hero party is boring.”
I looked around, enduring the pain that felt like my whole body was being torn apart.

Everyone was dead.
The great warrior who always fought at the forefront.
The guardian who moved as one with the spirits.
The sage who turned the tide of battle with ingenious strategies and excellent magic.
All my companions who were laughing and chatting together just yesterday had fallen at the hands of the Demon Lord.
“Ugh…”

Even the hero, our last hope, finally knelt down helplessly.

“Now only you remain.”

The Demon Lord, who had carelessly thrown aside the limp hero, approached me.

I can’t breathe.
The air surrounding me was gradually turning dark.
“I won’t keep you alive to mock or violate you. Farewell, saint with admirable fighting spirit.”

The Demon Lord’s hand deeply pierced my chest.
An excruciating pain that felt like my mind was melting overwhelmed me.
“Your adventure ends here.”

Blood gushed out of my mouth.
A complete defeat.
It was a devastatingly miserable loss.
There was no one to save me.
All that lay before me was cold death.
“……”
Resignation, crushed by the weight of despair, flowed out through my eyes.
The final moment was slowly approaching.

But.
But why.
“…Why is a woman about to die smiling?”

Why is it so thrilling?
The miserable feeling that dug deep into my heart.
And the elation that sprouted, nourished by that misery.
It was an ecstatic emotion I had never felt before.
Moreover, this pain spreading from my pierced chest.
I couldn’t control the pleasure that washed over me as if I had arrived in paradise.
It feels good.
My consciousness gradually blurred in the extreme rapture that couldn’t be properly expressed in such words.
“Oh sun higher than anyone else, here lies the glory that should be praised…”
Since that day.
The sunlight no longer illuminated my path.

A noisy tavern filled with laughter and chatter.
I sat in a corner seat, gulping down a mug of beer.
“Ahh, this is it.”

The refreshing sensation down my throat feels like it’s carving away my fatigue.
Indeed, heaven was not far away.
“Drink slowly.”
“Giff, do you know what’s good about being excommunicated? I don’t have to abstain from alcohol.”
“Didn’t you drink plenty even when you were an active priest?”
“The mindset is different.”
Before, I felt guilty, but now I’m completely free.
You could say it’s the difference between legal and illegal.

“Unbelievable.”
Giff muttered softly while sipping his drink.
“But I’m relieved that you don’t seem different from before.”
“Did you think I had changed?”
“I thought you had completely fallen. You lost all your companions and were even forsaken by the goddess.”

It wasn’t wrong, as I had indeed been in a half-crazed state for a while.
“Do you know how surprised I was when you suddenly appeared and challenged me to a fight?”
“I remember your expression was hilarious. Ah, was that your normal face?”
“…I’m sure I said I wanted to have a serious conversation.”
Giff grabbed the chicken we ordered as a side dish and chewed it, bones and all.
As expected of an orc, his gaze was so intense that I quickly lowered my eyes, feeling like he might bite me too.
“It’s a shame your personality hasn’t changed at all.”
“What can I do about my nature? One’s true nature doesn’t change easily.”
Even after experiencing the harshest and most difficult things, there are parts that don’t waver or break.
If it’s an upright belief, one might become a hero, but in most cases, it’s just a dirty personality or rotten habit.
“I still wonder why someone as unruly as you was chosen to be a saint.”
I’m curious about something too.
Why a saint of all things?
Not only did I become a woman, but I became a noble and holy woman, doubling my discomfort.
Moreover, I wasn’t even a hardcore player of .
Just a moderately skilled player.
There are people who dedicated their entire lives to it, so I don’t understand why this had to happen to me.
In short, it’s incredibly frustrating.
Suddenly, it felt hot.
As I tried to remove the robe hood I was wearing, Giff grabbed my wrist.
“Do you want to cause a commotion?”
I quietly lowered my hand again.

“I forgot.”

From what I hear, my features are well-known even among ordinary citizens, and I’ve become a symbol of fear.

Pink hair and eyes.
Flawless and white skin that stays clean without maintenance.
With an appearance that catches the eye everywhere, it’s now impossible to move around comfortably.
“Did something happen? It wasn’t this bad just a few months ago.”
“…Someone attacked the imperial palace.”
“Ah, because of that?”
I just wanted to challenge the knight commander known for his strong military power.
In the end, I only managed to destroy some innocent walls.
“The whole empire was in an uproar at that time, didn’t you know?”
“I was busy dealing with the knights who kept chasing me.”
“……”

As if displeased with my answer, his gaze became somewhat heavier.

“Now, tell me what’s been going on. Before we get more drunk.”
As I was about to bring the beer mug to my mouth, it was blocked by a large hand, so I had no choice but to put it down on the table.
“Really, nothing much happened. You know why I was excommunicated, right?”
“I heard it was because you incurred the goddess’s wrath and lost the ability to use holy power.”
“That’s roughly right, but a bit different.”

I briefly summarized what had happened during the final battle with the Demon Lord.

“Hmm…”
A strange reaction.
A coldness settled in his eyes as he looked at me.
“Are you saying that the reason you wandered around attacking and killing strong individuals was just to lose in a fight?”
“Just? That’s a bit harsh.”
Those days when I moved solely with the desire to recreate the ecstasy I felt when defeated by the Demon Lord.
For me, it was a journey holier than a pilgrimage.
“If you wanted to lose in the first place, couldn’t you just not use your full strength?”
I shook my head firmly.
That was a naive thought.
“That’s a fake defeat. True defeat comes with the sense of helplessness that you can’t win no matter what you do.”
A goal that can’t be achieved by pretending to be weak on purpose.
That’s why fierce battles where we clash with all our might were essential.
For the same reason, I avoided fights with predetermined outcomes like professional wrestling.
It’s hard to exert full power if it’s not a real battle, isn’t it?
“Do you understand what I’m saying?”
“I understand that while you seem normal on the outside, your mind has actually gone completely crazy.”
As expected, having a sophisticated conversation with an orc was futile.
“Let’s drop that topic. Let’s just drink.”
“No. I don’t think I can let this slide.”
Giff was now holding the axe attached to his waist.

“Did you think I’d leave a madman obsessed with slaughter alone?”
His tone had become intensely cold.
It was so chilly that the warmth from the alcohol froze instantly.
“I’m sorry, but prepare yourself.”
“You know you can’t stop me.”
“If I focus solely on attacking, I might be able to inflict a fatal wound. That’s enough.”
“……”

A heavy silence.
Quietness settled between us.
Even the noisy voices of drunken patrons couldn’t penetrate, just circling around and passing by.
“Giff, do you know what the goddess said to me on the day I was chosen as a saint?”

I spoke calmly, receiving his fierce energy that matched his face.
“She said that even on the darkest night, the sun remains unchanging beyond the sky.”
At the time, I just brushed it off without much thought.
It was just common sense, nothing special, and I hadn’t developed any faith back then.
But only now, sunk in the shadows, did I finally realize.
The deep meaning behind those words suddenly given to me.
“Although She has left me, She’s still watching over me. Constantly. So I don’t create innocent deaths. You know our order’s doctrine, right?”
Bright light for the weak.
Burning flames for the wicked.
It was a phrase also used as a greeting among believers.
“…You’ve unexpectedly maintained your devout side as well.”
Giff muttered in bewilderment as he took his hand off the axe handle.
“But if that’s the case, shouldn’t you not drink either?”
“No matter what, I can’t resist alcohol.”
I poured the remaining beer in the mug down my throat all at once.
It felt refreshing, as if the dust in my heart had been swept away.
“She’ll forgive this much, don’t you think?”
“I hope so.”

The atmosphere had become much more relaxed than before.
He might not have fully understood my feelings, but this was enough for now.
“What are you doing? Let’s drink and get drunk. Should we order more side dishes?”
“Why are you talking as if you’re buying when I’m the one paying?”
“Because you’re buying.”
“Can I give you a punch?”
Even after this brief conflict, the drinking continued.
I wanted to drink until noon the next day if I could.
But Giff’s wallet situation was difficult, so we decided to end the drinking session here.
When we came out of the tavern, the night sky with a full round moon covered above our heads.
As I walked down the street, staggering from the alcohol, the twinkling stars danced dizzily.
“Disgustingly beautiful.”
“This city isn’t called the ‘Home of the Night’ for nothing.”
The dark yet dazzling city of Serda.
It was where Giff currently resided.

“Actually, I’ve wanted to come here for a while.”
“…I can guess the reason.”

Serda is a city adjacent to the northern front where battles with the Demon Lord’s army take place.
As a result, various types of strong individuals naturally stayed here and were in charge of public safety.

The person I was interested in was the most highly regarded among them.

“Don’t tell me it’s because of that person?”
“That’s right.”

A shield protecting the weak.
The holy knight who was said to intimidate evil just by existing was here.
“The Holy Knight of Evil Destruction. I think that person could defeat me.”
A defeat at the end of an intense battle with the holy knight who receives infinite respect from those who serve the sun.
Just imagining it made my heart race already.