They Mistook my Meow as a Dao

In the highest court of the Heavenly Bureau of Celestial Affairs, somewhere between the Cloud Records of Spirit Beasts and the Filing Cabinet of Eternal Gourd Assignments, a scroll unrolled violently.

🔔 "UNREGISTERED DIVINE BEAST DETECTED" 🔔

The scroll was signed with:

"Name: Unknown (Self-Identified as 'Whiskers')

Location: Azure Cloud Sect, Lower Realm

Phenomena: Accidental Massacre, Passive Realm Warping, Sleep-Based Enlightenment Spread"

And stamped with:

"Pending Ascension Evaluation"

High Registrar Zhao Wen, immortal for 9,000 years, balled his ink-stained fist.

"I am tired of these feral anomalies."

"We will go down," he said, eyes glinting. "We will evaluate. We will file forms. And we will register that cat."

They arrived at dawn.

Seven robed immortals, floating on scroll-shaped clouds. Every one of them held clipboards. One brought a portable seal array the size of a carriage.

They descended like tax auditors.

Elder Mei met them first.

"Welcome to the Azure Cloud Sect! If you're here to worship the shrine, the nap window reopens at—"

"We're not here to worship," Zhao Wen said coldly. "We are here to register the divine anomaly known as 'Whiskers.'"

"Ah."

A pause.

"…You're sure?"

The first attempt went like this:

Zhao Wen approached the shrine where Whiskers was curled like a loaf.

"Ahem," he said, loudly. "Entity Whiskers. In accordance with Heavenly Mandate 782-A, you are hereby summoned to complete Form Z-96: Divine Beast Registration."

Whiskers opened one eye.

Licked his paw.

And sneezed.

The scroll caught fire.

So did Zhao Wen's beard.

The second attempt involved stealth.

An intern tried to press a celestial registration seal onto Whiskers' back mid-nap.

The seal flew backward at the speed of causality and rewrote the intern's name to "Toasted Dumpling."

He's still in therapy.

The third attempt? A bribe.

They left grilled fish, golden blankets, a spirit fountain carved to look like a paw, and 300 scented scrolls.

Whiskers used the scrolls as a litter box.

On the fourth day, Zhao Wen snapped.

He approached Whiskers with a ten-meter-long contract, glowing with divine ink, backed by Heavenly Laws and three godly notaries.

"Sign. Your. Name," he growled.

Whiskers slowly stood.

Padded forward.

Lifted his paw—

And smacked the contract.

It shattered.

The ink fled back into the bottle.

The godly notaries passed out.

Zhao Wen fell to his knees, screaming:

"THE PAPERWORK! THE LAW! IT'S—IT'S REJECTING REALITY!"

After two days in a bamboo infirmary, Zhao Wen finally asked, weakly:

"What… is he?"

Xi-Xi chirped helpfully.

"He's my master! He trained me in silence and stare technique!"

The sect master stepped forward.

"He doesn't answer to laws. He is a law. A nap-shaped law of the universe."

Zhao Wen submitted a final scroll to Heaven:

"Request denied.

Subject impossible.

Suggest removal from divine roster until universe updates its operating system."

He left a small offering of catnip.

Whiskers used it as a pillow.

Days later, a Celestial Courier descended with a glowing scroll:

"Offer of Ascension to the Celestial Realms: Immediate Entry."

Whiskers blinked.

Yawned.

And batted it back into the sky like a fly.

The message burned into the ground:

"Too noisy up there. No fish. Too many clouds."

The Heavens whispered his name with dread.

Whiskers purred and went back to sleep.

-----------------

Extra: Cultivator Gossip Scrolls: What They're Saying About the Cat

Title: Tales of the Dreaming Claw – Vol. 1

Author: Anonymous Disciples (and a nosy crane spirit)

1. "I Heard…""I heard he once slept through a demon invasion and the demons left gifts before fleeing."

—Disciple Lin, Herbalist Apprentice

"I heard his sneeze shattered a Nascent Soul's flying sword."

—Outer Sect Cook, terrified

"They say if he flicks his tail while you're talking, your cultivation stagnates for three days."

—Cloudbridge Hall gossips

2. "I Saw With My Own Eyes!""He blinked once and the formation array restructured itself."

—Elder Xiu (retired, still shaking)

"He purred. I felt my spirit roots untangle."

—Visiting Monk from the Quiet Jade Sect

"He licked his paw and three rogue beasts dropped dead. It was beautiful."

—Beast Tamer with trauma

3. "Impossible, But Real""He erased a heavenly decree by napping on it."

—Immortal Bureaucrat (now reassigning to mushroom duty)

"He refused ascension. The Celestial Ladder cried."

—Elder Mei's private journal (published accidentally)

"He turned an entire region into a 'nap-compatible zone.' Now weather patterns adjust for his sleep schedule."

—Sect Meteorologist

4. Romantic Speculation (Totally Unfounded)"I think he's secretly a reincarnated Sage of Slumber."

—Moonlit Pavilion tea club

"I heard he has a phoenix disciple who writes him love poetry in chirps."

—Xi-Xi (not denying it)

"The Dao Tree is in love with him."

—Disciple who eavesdropped on tree dreams

5. Officially Denied But Widely Believed"Whiskers is the reason the Heavenly Beast Council doesn't meet anymore."

—Spirit Beast Memoirs, Chapter 3

"He is not registered because the Registry broke when it tried."

—Bureaucratic Audit 982-V (classified)

"When he wakes up hungry, reality adapts to produce fish."

—Unconfirmed but terrifying

6. What Whiskers Probably Thinks of This Gossip"Meow."

(Translated: "Too loud. Go away.")