This Life, I Will Be the Protagonist

The greatest—and only—weakness of the Doormat Balloons was how fragile they were. But the gacha machine just happened to solve that very problem.

Once the balloons were placed inside, they couldn't be attacked.

And with three Doormat Balloons in play, it was like carrying around three dedicated healers.

Rita activated Doormat Balloon Maker, took a deep breath, and exhaled forcefully. A bubble-like balloon floated out, translucent and shimmering. Before the connection was fully severed, she felt an intuitive prompt: choose one skill to link to the balloon.

Her first pick was obvious—Pick Me Up.

A healing skill that instantly restored 80% of HP and continued to regenerate 1% HP per second for the next two minutes.

She selected the skill, and a soft red mist was drawn from her body into the translucent balloon. Once full, the bubble detached and hovered gently beside her, a white string dangling slightly as it floated on the breeze.

Little Seahorse came closer, poking it with a finger. "What's this?"

Rita immediately shoved the balloon into a capsule and tossed it into the gacha machine. She'd discovered earlier when stashing event boxes that even items not pre-packaged would be auto-capsuled the moment they entered the machine.

That single poke from Little Seahorse had already dropped the HP of her upgraded Doormat Balloon to 19. Thankfully, this advanced version could take twice the hits. Not bad at all.

Next, she linked Whitebone Shell.

A hybrid defense and healing skill. The moment one of the seven whitebone shields shattered, she'd recover 20% HP.

A white balloon rose gently. She tucked that into a capsule too.

Third skill—Emerald Feast.

Restored 50% HP per use.

A green bubble drifted upward and joined the others in the gacha machine.

That was all her straightforward healing skills. The rest had conditional triggers or niche use cases. But Rita was more than satisfied. She'd timed her balloon-making so they'd be staggered every few seconds, meaning a heal every 4 seconds from her mobile "medics."

She couldn't help fantasizing—what if these balloons could link with I Just Want to Improve So Badly? No cost, auto-trigger every 10 seconds… that would be like walking around with an always-on, "Goose-dee! Goose-dee! All the goose-dee!" backup.

Little Seahorse was still pestering her. "Seriously, what are those things? What's the gacha machine even for?"

Rita said, "You tell me what MarmangCrab's divine innate talent is, and I'll tell you what that is."

Little Seahorse: "...Is this what Crab means when he says he's being tactfully rejected?"

Rita: "Yup!"

Having brushed him off, she tapped her chest. Still felt a bit of bottled-up frustration—good! More balloons then.

They didn't disappear anyway, so why not keep blowing them while the emotion was still fresh?

She sat down cross-legged and resumed blowing bubbles.

Strangely enough, with each balloon she blew, she genuinely started to feel better.

Maybe it wasn't for nothing.

The surrounding players, still trying to figure out where she'd hidden Cat's Ideal, could only watch as BS-Rita plopped herself down, legs splayed, steadily blowing bubble after bubble and loading them into her gacha machine.

After blowing seven more, she patted her chest and smiled like a satisfied fool.

Most had already guessed this was some sort of skill, but the way she looked doing it left them speechless.

Little Seahorse tapped Verdant Whisper · Windrush's leg. "…Does Cat's Ideal hurt your brain when you use it?"

Verdant Whisper · Windrush replied, "Not for me. But maybe for BS-Rita."

Pine Bloom: "She already looks brain-damaged."

Rita shot them a sideways glare, thumped her chest twice with a bang bang, inhaled deeply, and blew one more balloon.

…

More Fat Ducks started showing up across the game field. One in particular, not carrying a gacha machine, stared directly at Rita.

She looked up at the sky and casually shuffled behind Mistblade's tail to avoid the gaze.

When the player count reached 100, and there were 50 Fat Ducks assembled across the field, the rules finally appeared.

[Protect the Gacha Machine – Game Rules]

[Intruders]

Once the game begins, players will take turns stepping onto the grass tiles to begin their invasion. Every 1 minute spent surviving pushes them forward one square.

If a prize mascot is on the next tile, the player must kill it before proceeding.

Players can't leave their current tile without meeting the kill condition.

When the starting square is empty, a player from the waiting zone is randomly selected to enter.

Each invasion run allows two offensive skills and one game item. These cannot be changed once selected.

All offensive skill cooldowns are reduced to 3 seconds for this game.

Upon death, a player loses 5 random Blocks and returns to the starting zone.

Killing a prize mascot earns the player 2 duck feathers.

The first player to reach and touch the gacha machine will receive 10 special pulls.

Remaining players on that lane return to the waiting zone.

Intruder Victory Condition: If all lanes are simultaneously breached, the intruder team wins. All players receive 3 duck feathers.

[Prize Mascots]

At the start, only 10 mascots may enter the field, and they cannot move once placed.

Every 10 kills by the mascot team allows one additional mascot to be deployed.

Mascots can equip one skill and choose one mystery trait before deployment.

Once all mascot slots are filled, no new mascots may join.

Mascot Victory Condition: If all players are cleared and only mascots remain, mascots win. All intruder players lose 5% of their Blocks.

[The game ends after 3 rounds.]

You have 1 minute to select your two attack skills and one item.

Game starts immediately afterward.

For fairness and gameplay balance, player deployment will be randomized by Divine Game.

Rita processed the rules, frowning.

Wait a second…

Wasn't this just Plants vs. Zombies?

Except the players were zombies… and the prize mascots were the plants…

She wanted to flee.

She could already imagine her tombstone reading: "Rita: perished in Adventure Mode, Puzzle Mode, and Survival Mode."

A countdown timer began shimmering above the field.

Should she run?

She checked herself over. Her Whitebone Shell was still active, and her Pick Me Up and Emerald Feast balloons were alternating on schedule.

Didn't look like a hopeless situation.

Plus, cooldowns were only 3 seconds. If Where's the Owl Already was still in effect even on the adjusted values, her real cooldown would be 2.1 seconds.

In just a few seconds, she'd already identified several potential advantages.

She still had time—enough to figure out whether there was a viable path through this bizarre game.

Her one I'm Not Playing This One token could wait. No need to burn her exit unless truly backed into a corner.

She closed her eyes and focused, calling up her skill screen. Dozens of icons filled her mind. Whichever one she concentrated on lit up, ready for selection.

Game items were different. Apart from her gacha-capsuled prize items, she couldn't "see" any of her other possessions. Not even the gacha machine itself.

Figures—it was made by gods. The system couldn't even register it.