Unluckiest Man Becomes An ArchMage

What a wonderful way to start a story. It's cliche and beautiful; it really resonates with the reader. I love Isekai. I imagine going to another world with beautiful women and monsters. You get to be the hero everyone looks up to, even if you are one of those 'I became an extra' novels, the protagonist always had cheat-like skills.

SO WHY WOULD ANYONE THINK THIS WOULD BE AN ENTERTAINING STORY? Old, I'm an old man, my skin is thin, I can see my bones, and there are bruises everywhere, is that why I feel so crappy? But even then that would be fine if I was the 'ancient Eldar of the demon blah blah clan'. Yet I'm not, I don't know where I am who I am, or what the fuck is even going on. It appears I was in a thatched roof mud hut in the middle of forest. Inside the room there was a small bed made of terrible cloth and wool as well what appeared to be some sort of sharpened spade that I could use as a sword. As far as mud hits go this one seemed like it was going to collapse at any moment without warning.

After looking around I gathered my thoughts:

To me the worst part was there was no lead-up. Nope, I was just walking to my salary job starting another web novel when BOOM: I blink and I'm old and in bed, instantaneous and terrible. Maybe the web novel I was reading is the world Im in now, however even then it would be pointless as I was only on the first chapter. there probably wouldnt be pretty ladies or a status window if my start was this bad, right?

[hello]

Oh thank god I spoke too soon

"status window, display inventory"

[Fuck you on about old man, I don't appreciate your tone]

What? Who is this idiot behind the status window? Can he clearly not see that I have been isekai-ed and need a cheat skill? OOOh maybe one of those haram-maker skills or like max stats

"Sorry, it is just that I assume you have to help me right?"

[First off, I can read your thoughts, you creepy old man, haram maker skill tsk tsk. Secondly assuming makes an ass out of you and me, but in this case mainly you, actually in this case only you, and instead of an ass you are just a retard.]

"So no skill" I muttered weakly, my hopes dashed

[I can read thoughts, stop talking! At this point I don't think I am gonna give you a skill]

'No! Please! See I can use my thoughts, I will do anything just please give me a cheat skill!'

I got on my hands and knees and kowtowed at the empty air. My back felt like it had never bent this much in decades as I was now basically glued to the floor.

[I feel generous, I will grant you an innate talent due to the immense pity I feel for your retarded ass]

'Oh, thank you, great system!'

This was my chance. Finally, I can show the world the power of the unmatched immortal dragon!

[oooooooh, yeah, no, not that kinda talent friend but I mean it's sure to impress the ladies, at least the ones at your age. Now that I think about it, most ladies your age are rotting in a coffin]

'What? What are you saying "not that kinda talent." Surely you are going to give me something worthwhile?'

I silently pleaded that he was downplaying something like a mythic tier ability

-Skill hand stands acquired- lv. 1(new)

[you are welcome, thanks would be appreciated but being a hero is a thankless job]

'Ummm, you are fucking with me right?'

[what? Not grateful yet? What about this?]

-Skill flicking upgraded- lv. 2(up)

'...'

[really? Are you truly blind to the majesty of these things I bestow upon you? ONLY GOD KNOWS HOW OLD YOU ARE YET YOU CAN DO HANDSTANDS NOW!!!?! Why aren't you thankful?]

"...go fuck yourself" I muttered

[...I even gave you flicking level two but this is how you repay me, old man? I hope they put you in a medieval nursing home, no, rather save me the time and just die.]

'How cruel! At least have enough decency to respect elders, whatever happened to Confucius's philosophy, isn't that blooming right now?'

[Once again if you haven't realized yet this is not your world's pre-classical era China, this is the continent of Grandor. An arguably beautiful shit hole with famine and wealth coexisting. You are out of your element here old man. Especially because I'd reckon you are about to hit the bucket]

"No, I refuse," I said adamantly out loud

[what? You refuse to die, are you joking? You speak as though death isn't something that is inevitable–how arrogant]

"If death means you will be happy, then I will find the fountain of immortality before heaven claims me" I declared

Beep, DING -declaration made-

I will not let this dipshit speak to me this way, I am his status window owner!

[I think hell might be the more likely destination with this dickhead personality of yours]

"Hmph!"

'Shut up and just show me my stats!'

[fine old man, I will give you one last dying wish]

Name: Unknown

Age: Unknown

Level: Unknown

Location: Somewhere in Gandor

Skills: Flick lvl. 2, handstand, lvl. 1, Declaration to the gods lvl, 0

'...really? That's it"

[What do you expect if you don't even know who you are, or your age and specific location? What do you think it is supposed to say? Surely you're not that naive]

The evil voice box is right, no matter how hard I try to remember my name nothing happens, it's as though there is a fog stop ping me from accessing my memories. No matter I will take this opportunity to develop a name what soon the whole continent will know.

'I am Luozi!'

[good on you, it fits your stubborn personality]

But I'm not done yet, if the status window only knows as much as I do, and the levels now are undefined then perhaps I can mold myself to how I want.

'Not done yet foolish status window, I am 23 years old and my level is ONE BILLION!'

[...]

DING -Status window updated-

Name: Luozi

Age: Unknown (old)

Level: 0

Location: Somewhere in Gandor

Skills: Flick lvl. 2, handstand, lvl. 1, Declaration to the gods lvl 0

Temporary status: delusional

[HAHAHAHAHAHA, truly the status window cannot lie]

'It was worth a shot, at least my name was updated properly, but still, that skill declaration to the gods, albeit level 0, must be an overpowered skill right?'

[Yeah, about that…]

'What, you are scaring me, what does it do?'

[In Gandor, there are gods, while the definition of "god" is somewhat exaggerated, they are indeed nigh immortal beings that hold immense power beyond belief. These beings have their own domains oftentimes when someone does something significant in a holy place or something within said domain of that god the god acknowledges the action. Sometimes with a reward, or maybe an execution]

'And what does that have to do with anything?'

[I'm getting to it, what you said earlier about refusing to die before you find immortality… you directly challenged their authority. The worst part isn't even just one terrible thing, it's TWO!]

[You said you would find immortality before you die which instantly negates the notion that would die even after you found it, and two because of your indirect yet still open declaration that you will never die you angered the god of death]

'...'

'Does Grantor have any notion of "I take it back"?'

[oh you poor dumb fuck… words have power here. In fact most people just don't choose to talk at all because of it. What is done is done, accept your fate]

I fucked up hard, oh boy this is not gonna be fun

[be thankful the level is only zero, the moments it hits level one the gods themselves will all be made aware of your bold statement]

Well, I suppose it could be worse. Who even designed such a shitty system anyways? I hope whoever organized my isekai adventure gets fired.

[YOU RETARDED PIECE OF SHIT, I CAN READ YOUR THOUGHTS AND NOW YOU JUST INSULTED THE GOD OF DEATH AGAIN]

'But I didn't even say anything out loud!'

[Since I can read thoughts, your thoughts flow to me just as if you were speaking, and because I heard it, so did he…]

'...'

DING -Declaration to the god's skill has been upgraded- lvl. 1(up)

[...]

[we are going to die]

' Did you just say we?'

[As I was the one who witnessed your declaration and even acknowledged it, which I should not have done, I am now an accomplice of sorts. What's worse is that, as of the moment, I am tied to your soul, so If you die, I die too. ]

'Hehehehe, since we are in this together now I don't suppose some "leveling up" is in order? These old bones still pack a punch you know'

[...Fine, the shit has long since hit the fan, and I am not even gonna bother picking it up, some "leveling up" is going to be needed if we want even a slight chance of living]

[However, I don't even know if we are going live long enough to level up in the first place]

'Oh, you exaggerate, how hard can it be?'

[...]

'...'

'this is not going to end well. '