Veteran Streamer in a Reversed World

A human exposed to excessive violence never forgets that memory.
Trapped in their own world full of blood and entrails, they dare not escape from it.
Recovery to normalcy is unimaginable.
Even if they miraculously escape their inner prison, all that remains are broken relationships and a damaged body.
That’s what war is.
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I was too naive.
I muttered to myself as I lay on the bed, staring blankly at the ceiling.
I thought I would be fine, of course.
I knew there was a screw loose in my mind since I returned, but I never dreamed it would be like this just from playing a game.
Thinking about it again, it really was a crazy thing to do.
It’s no different than recreating with my own hands the memories and nightmares that creep into my daily life and torment me.
“…What should I do.”
I ended the broadcast right after clearing the mission, completely drained and without any afterthought.
The viewers who don’t know what happened must be confused.
Just thinking about dealing with the aftermath the next time I turn on the broadcast is already giving me a headache.
No, can I even continue broadcasting in the first place?
Considering my condition, should I give up on game broadcasting?
After being swept away by waves of worries that kept popping up for a while.
While lying spread-eagled and staring at the ceiling out of frustration, someone knocked on the door.
“Leader, may I come in?”
“Come in.”
I answered with a voice drowned in fatigue, and Iris carefully opened the door.
With a low noise, the bright light from the living room drew a yellow wedge on the ceiling before disappearing.
The sound of footsteps grew closer, and at some point, snow-white hair entered my field of vision.
As I slowly turned my gaze, a pair of red eyes sparkling like jewels came into view.
In the dark room, Iris was looking at me with worried eyes.
“What happened earlier today? I unintentionally heard your voice from the living room.”
“…It was nothing.”
I brushed off the answer halfheartedly and turned away from Iris, who was sitting on the edge of the bed.
I was tired from having too many things to think about.
Above all, I didn’t want to worry my cherished comrade.
However, as if she had no intention of letting me go easily, Iris suddenly grabbed my hand and spoke with a troubled voice.
“Leader, your hand is cold. Are you sick somewhere? Should I go to the nearby pharmacy?”
Faced with her sincere concern without a trace of falsehood, I finally decided to surrender.
If I don’t give up here, it’s obvious she’ll stay by the bed until she gets the answer she wants.
“I’m just tired. No need to worry.”

“Ah…”
After pondering my words for a moment, she hesitantly opened her mouth.
“Um, if it’s alright with you, I could stay by your side…”
However, unable to finish her sentence, she took a step back.
I turned my head and asked Iris, whose face had turned so red it was clearly visible even in the darkness.
“Why?”
“…No, it’s nothing.”
Seeing her like that, I got a sense of what she wanted.
In the past, when Iris was at her lowest point mentally.
She suffered every night, trapped by guilt and self-loathing.
Naturally, her combat efficiency was low during the day as she couldn’t sleep properly.
After much consideration, the solution I came up with was to act as her pillow during bedtime.
Whether Iris hugged me to sleep or used my lap as a pillow.
After a few weeks of that, Iris regained her stability.
She probably remembered that time and wanted to repay me in the same way I had helped her then.
“I’m sorry for bothering you. I’ll leave now…”
“Where do you think you’re going?”
“…Pardon?”
As that thought occurred to me, I felt a bit mischievous and caught Iris’s wrist as she was getting up.
While she froze, unable to react to my sudden movement, I pulled her towards me.
Thump-
“…Eh?”
A dumbfounded sound escaped from Iris’s mouth as she suddenly found herself lying face to face with me.
It was quite a sight to see her face turning red in real-time.
I buried my face in her embrace to hide my emerging smile.
The warmth transmitted along with her urgent heartbeat further relaxed my dejected mood.
“I’ll just stay like this for a while. I’m tired, that’s all.”
“Ah, um… Is this okay…?”
“Hm?”
“Is, is it okay for you to sleep… holding me…?”
After briefly considering Iris’s question, who was stammering from nervousness, I soon answered while burying my face in her again.
“It’s okay because it’s you.”
“…!”
At my last words, Iris turned completely into a stone statue.
It seems she misunderstood something.
I poked her cheek with my finger and said playfully.
“Because I can trust you. Besides, we’ve already slept embracing once before, why are you so surprised now?”
“Ah… yes…”
Only then did some of the tension release from Iris’s body, which had been as stiff as a wooden doll.
Thanks to that, it became much easier for me to hug her.
Without hesitation, I closed my eyes while wrapping my arms around Iris.
“Then stay like this for a moment. Just until I fall asleep.”
“…Understood.”
Although Iris flinched every time my body moved, her breathing calmed down after a while, seemingly having settled down.
Thanks to that, I could enjoy a good night’s sleep while savoring human warmth after a long time.
Tonight was exceptionally warm compared to usual.
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“…”
In the quiet room where only Sunghyun’s regular breathing could be heard.
Iris, who had suddenly become Sunghyun’s sleeping pillow, struggled to maintain her reason as she retraced her memories.
From early morning, she had cleaned and done laundry in place of Sunghyun, who had gone into his room.
Out of curiosity, she had lingered near the door, trying to listen to Sunghyun’s voice coming from inside, but to no avail.
She killed time for a while, idly fiddling with her phone.
When lunchtime came, she cooked ramen and was about to call Sunghyun, but she had to stop her hand that was about to knock on the door.
‘Fuck!’
A rough curse coming from beyond the door.
‘Aaaaaargh!!!’
A scream that echoed shortly after.
Iris remembered that Sunghyun had planned to do internet broadcasting after being discharged.
After all, when they got tired of being consumed by combat, they used to imagine the future after the war ended with their comrades.
However, his voice coming from beyond the door was not a sound that should come from home, which should be the most comfortable and safe place.
Wild.
Where life and death hang in the balance with a single choice and mistake.
That voice, which could only be heard on the battlefield, was coming from beyond the door.
If it weren’t for Sunghyun’s prior instructions, she would have kicked down the door several times to check on his condition.
That’s how much fear and confusion were contained in the shouts and curses he let out.
So Iris waited.
Sitting at the dining table, until the room became quiet.
She threw away the bloated ramen that she hadn’t even touched with chopsticks, and drank cold water with an anxious heart.
She knew too.
What changes humans exposed to war go through.
What pain they experience.
Most soldiers suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder after the war.
It was no different for the man who was her life goal, her idol, her benefactor, and the one she loved more than anyone else.
No matter how much of a veteran or special forces he was, in the end, his inner self was just an ordinary human.
Right now, even she was suffering from occasional hallucinations and nightmares that came whenever she thought she had forgotten.
But, it was at a level she could endure.
Because Sunghyun was by her side.
Because the man who gave her confidence that she had done the right thing was beyond that door.
She could wait.
After a long time like that, as the sun was setting.
At some point, she knocked on the quiet door and received permission to enter.
As soon as she saw Sunghyun’s condition lying on the bed, she intuitively knew that he had suffered some mental anguish.
But she didn’t say it out loud.
Iris tried hard to change the subject, and the leader, noticing her intention, reassured her that he was just tired.
She thought he was such a good person.
And she thought of herself as trash for harboring secret desires when such a person was at his most vulnerable.
What happened afterward was so sudden that her memory wasn’t clear.
Iris tried to leave out of self-loathing, and Sunghyun caught her.
He asked her to watch over his sleep, saying he could trust her because it was her.
Because it was her.
Because it was her.
Because it was her.
Because it’s me.
Because I, Iris.
Iris didn’t even want to imagine what expression she was making right now.
She was probably blushing furiously with an unsightly excited face.
Gulp-
Iris painfully swallowed the saliva sticking thickly in her mouth.
And, with trembling hands, she brushed the cheek of the man she loved most in the world.
“…!!!!”
It was just the tip of her finger touching his cheek.
Surely that was all.
“Hnng…”
Iris twisted her body, covering her mouth against the pleasure and sense of sin crawling up her spine.
Her eyes glazed over, intoxicated by the sensation of her knees weakening and somewhere becoming moist, and she convulsed for a while.
“Haa… Haa…”
After a long time, her body, which had been thrashing about, finally regained control.
“Leader… Leader… Leader…”
But, her eyes and the string of reason that had already come undone did not return.
The beast with its leash removed began to rampage.
“Aah…”
Iris slowly pulled Sunghyun’s body closer, savoring his scent.
“…!!!”
Only a few silent screams.
Doing her best not to wake Sunghyun in her arms, she indulged in her desires.
And that summer night was exceptionally long and hot.