Congratulations on Your Magical Girl Duties

10 – Magical Psychological Counseling (5)

It was undeniably, at first, a psychological consultation.

Unless there were issues with my memory, it was certainly a psychological consultation.

But, as the questions went on, they grew increasingly peculiar.

They asked me about my preferred foods.

They inquired about my hobbies.

They probed to see if I had a drinking buddy.

Even then, I wouldn’t have thought it that strange.

The problem was, what came after.

They grilled me about whether I was secretly seeing a girlfriend or had a partner, then dangled the bait of asking when I’d like to get married, should the occasion arise.

And that wasn’t all. They went so far as to ask, assuming I were to have children, how many would I prefer?

“Just a moment.”

Frankly, the more I heard, the more bewildered I became, and simultaneously, I felt a simmering anger.

“Is something the matter, Kim Shi-yul? I still have a few more questions to ask, you know?”

Having nearly died countless times in that other world, how could I possibly have such things? Yet, the fact that she insisted on going through each and every detail was exceedingly unpleasant.

Was that why? A tone sharper than I intended slipped from my lips.

“Why do you keep asking only about these things? Doesn’t this seem a little… off to you?”

“Ah, I see I’ve just been asking all sorts of things, haven’t I? I’m truly sorry, Kim Shi-yul.”

What was strange, though, was that even though I’d openly expressed my displeasure, the purple-haired magical girl didn’t argue, but merely offered a sincere apology.

“Ah, well… it’s alright.”

“Thank you.”

Thanks to that, the simmering anger subsided.

Well, it couldn’t be helped. It was the first proper apology I’d received in my life; if I were to get angry here, I wouldn’t be any different from those b*stards in the other world.

I was a human, unlike those b*stards.

A person with thoughts more normal than anyone.

So, I decided to let it pass this time. It wasn’t as if I had snapped at her hoping to receive an apology in the first place.

“If that’s the case, then I’ll ask just one last question.”

Just in time, it seemed there was only one question left.

This was truly fortunate. I was starting to feel weary.

“When Kim Shi-yul first came here, which of these many magical girls did you experience the first… ‘reaction’ to?”

The ‘reaction’ the purple-haired magical girl was referring to was, without a doubt, a reaction in my lower body.

A palpable disgust simmered in the eyes of the other magical girls at the starkness of the question, but the violet-clad girl remained unperturbed, coolly repeating it.

“There is, isn’t there?”

What do you mean ‘isn’t there?’

Of course, there was.

But before I could even answer, the purple-haired magical girl was faster, her words cutting through the air.

“No, on second thought, there’s no need to ask.”

“Huh?”

What was she talking about?

After questioning me so relentlessly, she changes her mind now?

“Since there’s a Magical CCTV here, we can confirm it more accurately with that.”

The magical girl waved her hand in the air, and a translucent window materialized before her. It was a sight akin to the status screens that appeared in dime-store novels.

“Just a moment. Let me take a look.”

But frankly, I was skeptical.

No matter how magical you made the prefix, it was still just CCTV at best. How could that possibly determine which magical girl I found appealing?

It wouldn’t even be able to grasp what I saw in the first place.

Even magic had its limits.

“… Slippers?”

She caught on immediately.

And with frightening accuracy.

Indeed, magic has no limits.

“Slippers? Seriously?”

Did she really have to say it again, that b*tch?

I was planning to pass it off as feet.

The corners of the violet magical girl’s eyes twisted with disbelief.

“Wait, what the… you got turned on by slippers?”

Thanks to her, some of the other magical girls couldn’t hold back and started yelling at me.

“Hey hey, he got hard for slippers?!”

“You mutt, have you no shame!”

The violet magical girl stepped in to stop any further outbursts, but even so, she was still thoroughly bewildered.

“You actually got turned on by slippers?”

“Caught red-handed, damn it. But hear me out.”

Of course, I had my excuses ready.

Ten years spent in this other world, and not a single woman had I courted. More like, only b*stards trying to kill me.

“Before this world, and after arriving here, I haven’t even held a woman’s hand.”

In that situation, it’d be stranger if my libido *didn’t* get a little twisted.

“Thirty years, plus three more, without a woman… It’s practically inevitable, this.”

Besides, though I didn’t say it out loud, as a major shareholder of Nove*pia, I was thoroughly steeped in its novels.

The lust rampant in Nove*pia took many forms. Animals, of course, but also swords and scabbards, even tree holes.

So, a woman’s slipper? That’s practically normal lust.

Granted, by Nove*pia standards.

A little distant from the standards of normal folk.

Well, whatever.

“But why a *woman’s* slipper specifically?”

“Why shouldn’t it be?”

Because it’s for women, it’s female.

Because it’s a slipper, it has a hole.

The lack of personality is just a bonus.

What’s the problem?

“Agh, sh*t. Seriously.”

The violet-haired magical girl ran a hand through her hair, letting out a sigh laced with curses.

In a world of one-eyed people, those with two eyes are considered strange. That’s precisely the situation.

What can I do? A perfectly sane man has to endure.

Because I’m a hero.

Anyway.

Time to drive the nail home.

Just a bit more, and exemption will be within reach.

Which means I need to be a bit more forceful.

“If I became a magical girl, what do you think would happen? I’d bang my way through every magical girl in sight.”

Not my honest feelings, but that no longer matters.

“And you’re still trying to put me with the magical girls? Well, I’m certainly not complaining. Then I can just come all over the place as I please, you see.”

This is it, the final chance.

“Look, I’ve got nothing left to lose anyway, but the others? That’s not the same, is it?”

Though in truth, such a thing would never come to pass.

I merely spoke with a touch too much…gusto.

It wasn’t a genuine conviction.

There’s a saying, isn’t there? You can jerk off *thinking* about a furry, but you can’t jerk off *with* a furry.

A difference of just one character, yet it changes everything.

Magic girls are the same for me.

I can fantasize, alright.

But I can’t…you get it.

Am I crazy enough to get tangled up with these lunatics? Absolutely not. Not in a million years.

Well, maybe—just *maybe*—if I were a rabid dog, a certifiable madman incapable of rational thought, I *might* be tempted.

But.

I am neither a dog, nor insane. I am, by all accounts, a normal man.

And a normal man, naturally, should be with a normal woman.

To make a long story short:

I will *never* screw a magic girl.

“…”

My words hung in the air, yet none of the magic girls uttered a sound.

The white magic girl remained blank, lost in some internal void, while the others merely glared at me, making no attempt to hide their disgust.

One looked utterly appalled, another gnashed her teeth, and still another muttered curses under her breath.

“Hm.”

The purple-haired one, at least, didn’t overreact. She simply wore a complex expression, as if lost in thought.

She probably hadn’t expected me to drop such an extreme statement without batting an eye.

Good.

It felt like my exemption was drawing nearer.

Just then, the purple-haired girl, who had been observing me quietly, suddenly interjected, grabbing everyone’s attention.

“So, to summarize,” she began.

She cleared her throat a couple of times, before continuing slowly.

“You can get turned on by old magic girls, skinny magic girls, or, well, just about any ‘feminine vessel’ with a hole…you’re basically saying you’re horny to the point of pathology…”

Even if it’s nothing more than a list of simple facts, the faces of the other magical girls contort in a grotesque way as they listen.

It felt, somehow, as if my evaluation was being slashed down in real-time within each of them.

The content must be truly disgusting for them to react like this.

Well, I understand. Even *I* think it’s a bit much.

Is that even human? More like some beast.

But it doesn’t matter.

If it means an exemption or just public service, I’ll happily give away my reputation. I could even bark some more, right here.

“Should I say more?”

“No, this is quite enough.”

Finally, the violet magical girl smiles.

A complex smile tinged with pity and apology.

Good. So good. With that reaction, it’s certain.

Definitely an exemption.

At the very least, public service.

Yes, this is the life.

“Welcome to becoming a magical girl.”

No, god damn it, not my life!

“Why though?”

“Well, because you are exceptionally suited to be a magical girl?”

“What kind of cursed, god-forsaken passing grade is that?!”

No way.

Absolutely no way.

I can’t let it end like this.

Then, I have to spew out even worse things than what I just said. No, I absolutely *must* do it.

If I don’t want to be dragged away again.

“Take back that bullshit right now, you fucking b*tch–”

But before I could even finish my sentence, the white magical girl’s mascot, already back in its original form, quickly moves its beak.

[Magical Girl Duty, Congratulations!]

A fluttering notice hung from the mascot’s claws. A notice that read: Magical Judgement, First Class.

Yes, magical girl status was confirmed.

[Finally, I’m becoming a magnificent magical girl!]

A torrent of utter crap spewed from my beak, but I couldn’t stop it. Not that stopping it would change a damn thing anyway.

[I’ll buy cake with Magical Points!]

The moment that slip of paper appeared, there was absolutely no way I could reverse the outcome.

Damn, that b*stard is fast.

In the end, I uttered the most appropriate and only thing I could say in this situation.

“Fuck.”

What a goddamn awful life, truly.