Hazbin Hotel: Another Adam

So, what can I say as a result of our "inspection" of Cherub Town? Well, fuck, nothing good. The girls, under Abel's command (who, to his credit, handled the organization excellently), cordoned off the entire city, declaring something like a curfew and a total check for a "hidden demonic threat." For several hours, they methodically brought residents out of every house, block by block. Each cherub was thoroughly checked for any presence of Darkness, while other groups of exorcists inspected the houses themselves – looking for suspicious items, artifacts, traces of dark magic… In short, they conducted a total shakedown.

This continued almost until my arrival. I appeared just as Abel was giving the final instructions to the girls. I waved to him, listened to a brief report on the current situation, and praised him for his promptness. Then I sent off the battle-hungry George "the Victorious" (yes, that was his official nickname since the War with Hell, and he was very proud of it) along with his imperturbable little wife to "reinforce the perimeter," but in fact, sent them back to their previous duties, briefly recounted the situation with the "fallen cherubim" to them, and advised them to get all the details from the girls who had directly interrogated our sweet couple. They nodded significantly, pretending they would never have guessed it themselves, after which they departed with an important air to carry out the order, and I, sighing, got down to the main work – a personal check of the remaining cherubim.

And so, after several hours of monotonous work and several tens of thousands of scanned fluffy, winged, and, generally, quite cute creatures, it slowly but surely began to dawn on me that something, fuck, was wrong here!

The population of Cherub Town, according to official Heaven data, was about eighty thousand souls. This figure was considered "optimal" for the normal functioning of their agencies and maintaining the "balance of good" on Earth. The Seraphim (or rather, Gabriel, who was directly responsible for their creation and supervised this whole almshouse) hadn't created new cherubim for about twenty years.

And yet, for fuck's sake, according to our calculations, after a full inspection of all houses and streets, we counted only about SEVENTY THOUSAND! Where, one might ask, did another whole ten thousand cherubim disappear?! Just vanished?!

And the strangest thing – it seems NO ONE NOTICED this disappearance before our arrival! Not Gabriel, their direct superior, not the other Seraphim, not even the cherubim themselves! Does this mean that this deer-lady somehow managed not only to expel or destroy such a huge number of her kin but also to hide the very fact of their disappearance?! No fucking way! I'll never believe that! She's not that kind of a berry; she doesn't have that kind of power to pull off such a large-scale operation single-handedly and cover all traces!

Although… Gabriel, when I later cornered him, claimed that about a thousand employees had indeed "gone missing" from Deerie's office over the last hundred years. Which, in itself, was already considered a fucking high level of losses for Heaven, not to mention her admission about twelve thousand! But he, you see, didn't even think to suspect her of anything bad! Because she was "his Child," "an Essence of pure Light, having taken form and life by his will"! And anyway, she's so cute and fluffy, how can you accuse her of anything?! For fuck's sake, God! For what sins from my past life did you send me to this fucked-up, infantile world?!

It's one thing that literally the entire population of the three worlds here is somewhat… underdeveloped? Not in terms of technology, no. But in terms of… thinking? Cunning? The ability to see beyond their own nose? I've already said that this might be explained by the fact that the very foundation of this universe is pure Light, and here, ideally, there simply shouldn't be a place for any particularly cunning intriguers, traitors, manipulators, and other similar scum. Everyone here is somehow… naive? Yes, perhaps that's it, naive and trusting, like children, and this applies not only to rank-and-file angels or cherubim but also to the most ancient, most powerful entities! Even fucking Lucifer, who, ideally, should have known both Darkness and Light, and the whole palette of shades between them! But no, he acts like an offended child who wasn't given his favorite toy!

Alright, to hell with him, let's get back to our sheep… and deer… How, just HOW could they have missed the loss of TEN THOUSAND cherubim?!

No, I, of course, immediately had a perfectly logical assumption: all of Cherub Town is up to its ears in Darkness, and it's just teeming with its sleeping (or not so sleeping) agents, who somehow managed to hide both this disappearance and their own presence. But no fucking way! Right now, I've finished checking the last cherub, and we found a whole… ZERO TRAITORS! ZERO, FUCK! Not a single spark of Darkness! Not a single "contractor"! An absolutely clean city!

I understand everything. I can accept a lot, but this… Fuck, I don't even have any goddamn thoughts on this matter! How is this even possible?! During the interrogation, Deerie swore that she only worked with her ram-lover and that she had no other accomplices! I thought then that she might simply not know the whole truth, or was lying, trying to protect someone. But this… I definitely didn't expect this. At all.

"Alright," I waved my hand wearily. "Wrap up this circus. Abel, come here."

My son immediately flew over to me, his face expressing extreme concern and anticipation.

"Tell these cherubim some pompous, reassuring crap. Like, 'the threat has been eliminated, the guilty have been punished, sleep peacefully, dear comrades, Heaven will not forget you.' Well, or something along those lines. You'll think of something. And that's it, you're free. You can go back to your business. And to your family." I gave the final orders, after about ten minutes of just standing there and swearing at this whole absurd, illogical situation, trying to somehow blow off steam.

"Father, why don't you want to address them yourself?" Abel looked at me in surprise. "We could even arrange a small concert to finally calm the cherubim down and make them forget about this incident… I'm sure they would be happy if you performed for them."

"Develop yourself, son. Learn to take responsibility." I pulled myself together a bit after his words and gently placed my hand on his shoulder. "Actually, I've long deserved an honorable pension and a break from all these state affairs, so get ready to slowly take over the reins… Well, or at least part of my duties."

"What?.. Dad, but…" Abel began, his eyes widening in fear, but I had already dissolved in a flash of Light, teleporting home.

A concert… Well, sounds pretty good… A good idea. Thanks to Adam's memory, I've almost completely restored my guitar skills, I seem to have a voice too, and a pretty good one, so why not? I could arrange something like that… In a week, for example? When all this bullshit with Eve and her agents settles down a bit.

Right now, I just needed to wait for the return of my gloomy valkyrie, who lately, after our "nightly adventures," has noticeably blossomed and even started to smile. And it wasn't just me noticing the smile on her usually stern face now, but everyone around, so rumors had already spread throughout Heaven. Spend some time with her, relax, think over all this shit again, with a clear head… Some unforeseen crap always messes with my plans! The day after tomorrow, I have that concert on Earth planned, with Octavia and Loona; good thing the little owl doesn't mind company… Eh… Not a life, but a continuous force majeure.

Correspondence in Hell's equivalent of Telegram. Chat "Baal - Loona," some time ago.

Baal: Good evening, wolfie! How are you there, not sad all alone, I hope? What are you up to?

Loona: Baal? Is that you?! Hi. Didn't expect…

Baال: The one and only, in the flesh! I barely figured out how to put a pic on my avatar in this shitty app! What kind of moron even came up with putting this function in a separate, fucking, settings section?! I'd tear his hands off!

Loona: Heh))) I couldn't find that button for a long time at first either))) You'll get used to it)

Baal: Oh! I see someone's mood has noticeably improved today, hasn't it? That can't help but make me happy! ;)

Loona: Well… you wrote. As you promised. Thanks.

Baal: Hey, come on! I couldn't NOT write! I'm actually a fucking serious and responsible young man! Said it – did it!

Loona: You mean, demon? ;)

Baal: Well, something like that. A demon with angelic principles. Or an angel with demonic tendencies. Haven't quite figured it out myself yet. So how are you? Hope everything's okay?

Loona: Dad… I mean, Blitz… he got wasted again yesterday… And managed to outdrink Queen Bee… Can you imagine?!

Baal: Pfff! Ha-ha-ha! Seriously?! I take it that honey-fox had a night of total humiliation and disappointment yesterday? First, I kicked her ass with my wonderful eggs, then Blitz outdrank her too! The old lady's losing her touch! ;)

Loona: Ahem… Well… she didn't look too upset, more like worried about him.

Baal: Well, to hell with her, so what about Blitz?

Loona: He got drunk, I'm telling you. Wasted. I only noticed his condition when he was already making out with two some random idiots… I barely dragged him home…

Baal: Fuck… Not even with girls, but with guys?! He's really out of it…

Loona: He's bi. Actually. Always has been.

Baal: Oh, come on?! Is he Beelzebub too? ;)

Loona: Very, fucking, funny. I see you're in a great mood today.

Baal: Don't sulk like that, my fluffy wolfie. Better tell me, don't you want to go to a concert on Earth with me?

Loona: Uh… are you asking me out?

Baal: Yep. Only I'm not going there alone. With one very cute and interesting lady. So, I'd like to introduce you to her too; I think you'll become friends. Please, Loona, come with me!

Loona: Well… Alright. Since you're asking so nicely… When and where do we meet?

Hell. Pride Ring. Near the entrance to Carmilla Carmine's residence.

I stood before massive black metal gates, and I hadn't flown here just for kicks. Yes, Carmilla and I sort of "became friends" after that tour of mine through Heaven; we even met a couple of times, but now I had business with her. Very important. And very… risky.

I was already absolutely convinced that Carmilla was one of the few sinners in this Hell who was truly capable of redemption, who could get into Heaven. And I wanted to help her with that.

I don't know what sins exactly she committed in life to deserve eternity in Hell, but I saw before me a strong, intelligent, worthy woman who does everything for her family, for her daughters, and family – that's the most precious thing there can be.

(Dominic Toretto nods approvingly)

I wanted to test something, a theory of mine: to try that very "forcible redemption" I had been thinking about for a long time. Or at least try to find out if it's necessary to kill a sinner for their soul to be cleansed and get into Heaven? Or is it enough, for example, to significantly weaken the Darkness within them? Try to fill them with Light to the limit? That "Class D personnel" of sinners I experimented on last time, unfortunately, weren't redeemed, so I just released them back then, after attaching a spy drone to each of them. And what do you think? No matter how much they swore up and down that they "understood everything" and "were on the true path"... A week later, one of those bastards was already robbing some sinner again, and the second was trying to rape… Zizi! That huge dinosaur-like overlord! Who, by the way, was quite attractive… Ahem, anyway, this idiot decided that hitting on her with such intentions was a fucking great idea. Well, what can I say… He doesn't have balls anymore. She simply crushed them. Slowly... Fuck…

In this case, with Carmilla, I could try to influence a sinner who REALLY WANTS to be redeemed. Who has already taken the first step. Carmilla has already repented of her sins before me (well, at least for killing Harfi – for sure). And now, according to her own words, she's trying to "do good" – she stopped trading angelic weapons, trying to bring order to her district. Why not a future angel?

It's probably worth describing in a bit more detail the division of spheres of influence between overlords and their territories.

So, overlords. In essence, these are all the same ordinary sinners, souls of former humans, who, however, in one way or another – through cunning, strength, magic, contracts, or simply a lucky coincidence – managed to seize power and subordinate part of the territory and population of Pentagram City to themselves.

Alastor, for example, is in charge of radio broadcasting. In life, he was a serial killer and cannibal, dabbled in voodoo magic; that's information from a past life, I'm not sure about it here. After getting to Hell, he somehow made a deal first with Eve, and then with Lilith, for which he received incredible power, with which he wiped out a good half of the old overlords, taking their place.

Zestial – the oldest of the currently living overlords of Hell. A tall, spider-like demon who controls fears and nightmares. He is something like a vassal or confidant of one of the Goetia Princes (a redhead, I don't remember his name, as you understand), and it was he who taught him the basics of magic based on fear. And yes, this is not the concept of Fear, but specifically demonic magic that uses fear as a source of power.

Fade – another rather elderly overlord. A deer-like sinner whose head is a skull wreathed in blue flame with huge horns. He made a contract personally with Paimon and now carries out various delicate errands for him – gets necessary information, rare items, and sometimes "necessary people" at the request of the chief bird.

(Author's note: Yes, I know that this "skull-head" recently got an official name (Frederick Dev)… Congratulations to Vivzie, very, fucking, timely! After so many years! Ahem… So, in my fanfic, his name is Fade, and there's already one Frederick in the canon. Vivienne, it's your own fault that in my "brilliant work of art" his name isn't what you wanted! Shame on your lengthy project!)

Against the background of all these "contractors," three particularly stand out: the already mentioned Zizi, Rosie, and Carmilla Carmine herself. They achieved their position and strength independently, without making contracts with more powerful demons and without selling their souls.

Zizi, the mistress of fight clubs. A huge, muscular lizard-demoness with incredible physical strength and an innate skill for increasing her size. She literally rose from the bottom, participating in street fights and performing in numerous underground arenas of Hell. Gradually, she gained strength, authority, subordinated other fighters to herself, and now she is the absolute mistress of all legal and not-so-legal fight clubs and betting shops in Pentagram City.

Rosie, the mistress of Cannibal Town. An elegant, refined-looking demoness with impeccable manners and a predatory smile (her teeth are… Impressive). She took a different path – through numerous intrigues, manipulations, and underhanded games, she managed to displace and devour (literally) the previous "mistress" of Cannibal Town, and then, having subordinated all its inhabitants to herself, she began to slowly "bite off" power from every lover of feasting on the flesh of their neighbor… Hmm… A very specific lady.

And Carmilla Carmine… Her story was even more interesting. After getting to Hell, she somehow immediately charmed Zestial, and he took her under his wing, helped her a bit to "get on her feet," taught her the basics of the local "business," after which Carmilla began to do what she did best – selling weapons, including angelic ones, which she somehow managed to obtain after every Extermination. And yes, this part of the hellish business – arms dealing – was already occupied by one very influential overlord (what was his name?.. Ah, fuck him, he's long dead anyway). That idiot tried to pressure Carmilla, using her daughters as hostages, but he didn't take one thing into account – Zestial by that time already treated Carmilla either as his beloved niece or as an adopted daughter. The outcome was predictable: "Grandpa" Zestial personally tore off that idiot's head, who dared to approach his "granddaughter" with threats, and Carmilla calmly absorbed all the territories and assets of the previous owner of the arms business, becoming one of the most influential overlords in Pentagram City. That's how it is. And yes, Zestial – what a guy, I respect him. If he weren't an overlord, under contract with Goetia, I would have dragged him to Heaven myself later. But it's too early to talk about that now; I need at least one "positive result" with redemption.

Now a little about the "zones of influence" into which all of Pentagram City is conditionally divided. Generally, it's divided into nine main sectors, like "north-west," "central," "south," and so on. The central zone belongs personally to Lucifer – his huge castle and the Embassy of Heaven are located there. The south-eastern sector is currently considered "no man's land" – that is, none of the major overlords control this place. And now there are constant bloody showdowns between various small gangs of sinners, each trying to grab a bigger piece of territory for themselves. Pentious and Cherri Bomb, in the pilot episode, were having their showdowns right there. Cannibal Town – Rosie's territory – is located in the south. The north is also relatively "clean" and calm now – the Hazbin Hotel is located there, and Alastor also resides there, so formally, it's his territory, but in fact, not quite, and many small gangs still continue to slaughter each other for dominance over the outskirts of this district. The entire west of Pentagram City completely belongs to the "Vee-trio" – Valentino, Vox, and Velvet. In case you forgot, that's: the lustful moth-pimp Valentino, who is in charge of the entire sex industry; the TV-headed asshole Vox, who controls all television broadcasting and technology; and the small but fucking ambitious Velvet, who deals with social media, fashion, and other similar crap for "underage morons." The south-western sector is the domain of Carmilla Carmine, who, as I've said many times, is engaged in the production and sale of weapons. Well, the remaining territories are divided among other overlords. I think everyone pretty much doesn't give a shit about them, right?