Healing the Dark - Dragon Age Inquisition Fanfic

Holli let out a frustrated huff, shaking her hand out.

"Why can't I get this?" She muttered, adjusting her stance. Like that would help.

She had done this before. Sort of. She had also used the power of a rift to absolutely annihilate a bunch of demons. Opening a rift from nothing shouldn't be this hard!

"Maybe you're just a terrible mage," Sera called out from her place on the rock she was lying on. "Time to switch to a real skill."

Holli shot her a half-hearted glare for the comment. 

It had been a few days now, and she felt she was still no closer to figuring it out. Well, maybe a little closer. There had been a couple of times she thought she might have felt the veil weakening. She wanted to get it before they left for Halamshiral in a couple of days. 

"One more try," she muttered, more to herself since only Cole was close enough to hear that. 

He stood sentinel just a couple of feet away. 

Holli reached out again; she could feel the veil; she could feel her power connect to it. Where she had trouble was forcing it apart. With how hard she was forcing it, she thought she might give herself a nosebleed. But then it happened; it was tiny, just a small tear. In her surprise, she let go, losing the connection. 

Sera and Krem were on their feet, coming closer. 

"Aw, a little baby rift," Sera cooed, leaning close to get a look. 

A clawed hand suddenly burst from it, swiping at Sera's cheek. 

"Close it!" Krem barked, swinging his axe and cutting the flailing arm off. 

Holli quickly obeyed, shutting the rift. They all surrounded the severed arm, looking down at it as it writhed on the ground.

"Why isn't it disintegrating?" Holli asked. That was usually what happened to the demons' bodies. 

"Maybe because the rest of it is alive?" Krem suggested. 

Was that how it worked? 

"Oh shit, Sera! Your face!" Holli exclaimed, catching sight of the blood. "Come here; I'll fix it."

She took Sera's face in her hands, zapping the wound closed and causing the other girl to jolt back. 

"Maybe that should be a higher priority than poking more holes in the veil," Sera said, rubbing at the sting in her face. 

Holli had managed to reduce the scarring a little these days at least.

"Maybe you should just be happy I fixed your face," Holli replied with a roll of her eyes. "Okay, we ready to try again?"

"I'm a little reluctant now that you might actually manage it," Krem said. "I think we should have more than just the four of us. Look what just happened, and it wasn't even a full-sized rift."

"Stop being such a fussbudget," Sera sneered. "We'll be fine. I'm ready now."

Krem still looked hesitant.

"Maybe we try again tomorrow," Holli suggested. "And you can bring another Charger. Preferably someone who won't be..."

"Snitchy," Sera finished.

Holli nodded her agreement. Krem let out a sigh. 

"Fine," he conceded. "And I will. Bring another Charger, I mean. I don't care how snitchy they may be."

"Well, you're not gonna bring Iron Bull, yeah?"

"Anyone but him, please?" Holli pleaded. He really would tell the others. 

"...Fine," Krem finally sighed out. 

The group trudged back up to Skyhold, slipping through the gates unnoticed by anyone who would question them. 

"Are you going to the stable now?" Cole asked her.

She nodded. She still had her standing appointment with Emil and Sunchaser. 

"Can I come?"

"Of course."

Cole was super easy to be around, she had found. The others, while they were nice, and she was still incredibly fond of them, she found having to keep up the appearance of being ok a little more draining around them. They watched her more than they used to, analysed, spoke softer, Hawke had even been a lot less smart-arsey with her too. Sera was about the same but kept trying to push her into things harder. Like that would make her better faster. 

She appreciated they cared enough to try and accommodate her, but it was tiring too. 

Cole was... Cole. He knew the truth of everything; he knew how she felt; he didn't try to be different around her. No tiptoeing, or like in Sera's case, bulldozing. Just... Cole.

When they got to the stables, Emil was surprised to see them. She was a little earlier today, given they'd called off their rift-opening attempt prematurely. 

"Afternoon, my lady," he greeted. His smile dropped a little when he saw Cole, but he greeted him with a nod. 

Holli wasn't sure what the word was about Cole around Skyhold. If there was any word at all. 

"Hi, Emil. Do you know Cole?" She asked.

"We've not officially met," he replied. "A pleasure, sir."

It was clear he wasn't sure how to address Cole. Most of the inner circle tended to be addressed as Sir, Ma'am, Madam, or Master if they had no formal title. 

Cole only nodded, his stare blank and a little unnerving if Holli were honest. What was that about?

"Are you ready to try sitting on her today?" Emil asked, leading them to Sunchaser's stall. 

"Probably not."

"It's the next logical step."

"What's the next illogical step?" She asked, eyeing the horse warily. 

As soon as the question was out of her mouth, she realised how fucking stupid it was.

"Going backwards, I suppose," Emil told her. 

"Yeah... Fine. I'll sit on the horse," she muttered. "Stop being such a wuss," she whispered to herself. "She's been fed, right?"

Emil looked confused by the question but nodded as he took Sunchaser out of her stall. 

"Has she got bigger since yesterday?" Holli asked nervously.

"No."

Being consumed by her fear of the horse was really helping to take her mind off the grief and guilt. She was starting to wonder if it was worth the cost, though. 

"You don't have to, Holli," Cole said. "I'll always ride with you."

Holli looked at him, a grateful smile splitting her lips. 

"But it's brave of you to try," he added. 

She didn't feel brave. Mostly she was facing this so she didn't have to face the other stuff. Keep busy. But she had found her attention span shorter these days, so wiling away in the infirmary with Adan only kept her occupied for so long. Even reading had been more difficult to focus on. She hoped that was just a phase and would settle soon. 

"Oh, Holli, dear!" 

All three of them looked to where Dorian was standing, nose scrunched as the smell of horse shit hit it. 

"What's up?" She asked.

"Come along; we need to talk, you and I."

"Oh," Holli's brow furrowed. 

It didn't sound like she was in trouble, but Dorian was good at acting normal when things weren't. 

"Tomorrow then, Emil," Holli told the stableboy. "Thanks, though. And sorry, you got her out and everything."

"No trouble, Lady Herald," he said, bowing slightly. 

Holli and Cole made to follow Dorian, but he raised a finger. "Not you, Cole. I believe Varric is looking for you, though."

"I'll come find you for dinner, yeah?" Holli told him. 

Cole just nodded, looking a bit like a little lost puppy. She gave him a little wave and fell into step beside Dorian. 

"What's going on?" She asked.

"Pretty ladies club," he told her. "Josephine and I have magnanimously agreed to allow your joining."

Oh. Holli wasn't really up for a gossip sesh right now.

"As generous as that is—"

"Nope," he said, looping her arm around his in a firm hold. "You've been rather avoidant lately. We've given you time and space, but it's time to start rejoining us. As fond as we all are of Cole, you need more than the boy to socialise with."

Holli didn't argue. He wasn't wrong exactly, though he was a little harsh, she thought. Cole was perfectly fine company. 

Dorian led her inside to Josephine's office. The ambassador usually kept a comfortably warm office, which Holli appreciated. The woman was already there, a few seats placed comfortably around the fireplace. 

"Holli," she offered a warm smile and a glass of what was possibly wine. "Come sit."

Holli took the glass and the offered seat. "So this is pretty ladies club..."

Josephine giggled. "What?"

"I hadn't actually mentioned the name to Josie yet," Dorian said, dropping into his own seat with far more grace than she had and accepting a second glass of wine that Josephine offered. 

Holli sipped at the drink, feeling a slight burn at the taste of the alcohol. It was sweet, though, far more palatable than the swill Varric had given her way back when. 

"Don't overindulge," Josie warned her. "Cassandra would have my head."

Holli was tempted to. It worked for her mother in drowning out the thoughts and feelings she didn't want to face. 

No. The last thing she wanted was to become her mother. She loved her mum but would never want to be like her. 

The memory of her mother's body flashed through her mind. Her mother, who had been driven to drink and drugs after her stillborn daughter was resurrected before her eyes, and her lover – what? Died? Vanished before her eyes? She didn't know. But whatever it had been, it'd been enough to fuck her mum up. 

But Holli had seen shit. She'd lived through shit. She'd learned some horrible things, and she hadn't turned to drink and drugs. Her mother was weak, and her father was a monster... 

She tamped down on the surge of anger at the unfair thought. It wouldn't help things. Squash it down. Enjoy hanging out with Josephine and Dorian. She liked them. 

"So now what?" Holli asked. "We just gossip?"

"Gossip?" Josephine gasped, scandalised. "We just... share the news."

"Like the news of Dorian and Bull?" She smirked, looking at Dorian. 

"Yes, like that. How are things with your Qunari spy?" Josephine asked him.

"How long has it been going on?" Holli asked.

"Things are... going interestingly," Dorian replied. "And it started shortly before leaving for the Western Approach. How did you find out about it? We've been quite discrete, and it's only a new thing."

"Krem."

"Ah. And how did young Cremisius find out?"

Holli shrugged. She'd assumed Bull had told him. Or he'd seen them together or something. 

"Not very helpful, Holli," Dorian muttered, taking a sip of his drink. "Now, tell me, what were you doing at the stables? You're terrified of the horses."

"I'm trying to be not terrified of the horses. And 'terrified' is a bit of an exaggeration. I'm... understandably wary."

Josephine let out a tinkling laugh. "Horses are darling creatures, Holli. I had one of my own back in Antiva. Her name was Arietta. She was my pride and joy."

"What happened to her?" Holli asked gently.

"She was struck by disease. It took our entire stable."

"I'm sorry," Holli murmured. 

"It was a long time ago now."

"But it – it still hurts?" Holli asked, a little hesitantly.

Josephine must have realised why she was asking, and she leaned forward, reaching across and taking Holli's hand in hers, squeezing gently.

"It does, but nothing like the months following her death. It's easier to remember our good times; I can smile at the memory of her. You'll reach that point as well, but don't feel the need to rush it."

"What if—?" Holli fidgeted, unsure if she should say it. 

"What if what?" Dorian asked gently.

Holli let out a breath. Talking about the reality of her mum was harder than she'd thought it would be.

"What if I don't really have any memories that aren't, like, tainted?"

"What do you mean? Tainted by what?"

"The only time she was happy or... even remotely fun was when she was drunk or high, and even then it depended on how out of it she was and what she was on. But sober she was... a horrible person most of the time."

Holli trailed off quietly. It felt wrong to say it out loud. 

"You always seemed so eager to get home, get back to her," Dorian noted.

"Of course I was. Someone had to take care of her. If I'd been there, I could have saved her; I've done it before. Look what happened when I wasn't there."

"It wasn't your job to take care of your mother," Dorian began, and Holli waved his words away.

"Cullen already tried to tell me that. It doesn't change anything, though. It did become my job. She depended on me."

The silence stretched, Josephine and Dorian exchanging a sympathetic look. 

"Families can be... complicated. And parents..." He let out a heavy breath. "Parents can hurt you far more deeply than anyone else."

"They can fuck you up worse than anyone else too," Holli muttered.

"Oh, absolutely," Dorian agreed. "Give me your worst experience, then give me your best."

Holli considered it. "We're trading?"

"Of course."

"Okay. When I was six, I went with my mum down to the shop. It was pretty late, the middle of winter. She was pretty drunk; honestly, it's kind of amazing we got there without crashing the car."

"Car?" Josephine asked.

"It's like a carriage, but it's powered by an engine rather than pulled by horses. It's, like, fully made of metal on the outside. And glass. The engine burns fuel and kinda creates, like, mechanical energy," Holli explained before just giving up. "Anyway, it goes so fast that a lot of people die when they crash. Driving drunk or high is against the law. We got down to the shop; I went in with her. I wandered off to go and pick out some lollies; I'm not sure what she was getting. After a few minutes I see her out the window, driving away. She'd totally forgotten me. I ran out, hoping I could get her to see me before she got too far, but..." Holli shook her head. "I didn't know my way home from that far and in the dark. I just kept walking. Then it started to snow. I was only in my jammies and wellies. It was so fucking freezing, until it wasn't. I don't really know what happened, but I woke up days later in the hospital. I'd nearly died. Someone's dog had found me buried under the snow on the side of the road. Mum didn't even know I was missing until the cops knocked on her door."

Holli vaguely remembered lying down against a wall when she had gotten too tired to keep going, shivering so hard she could barely function. She had no memory of the dog finding her. Social Services took her away for a while, and she'd had to live with some strangers. That had been horrible too. Eventually her mum had got her back, though, for better or worse.

"Maker's Breath," Josephine muttered. "That's terrible."

"That explains your fear of the cold," Dorian noted.

"It's not a fear; it's... an understandable wariness."

Dorian chuckled. "Is that how you explain all your fears, is it?"

Holli shot him a flat look for that. 

"Alright, now your best memory with her."

Holli smiled; it was an easy one. "I was eight; I'd just gotten back from school. Mum had been day drinking, and she'd hit that sweet spot by the time I got home. She'd ordered pizza and garlic bread, and we ate it while we painted each other's toenails. Then she got this awesome idea to, like, use the washing basket as a cart and ride it down the stairs. We did it for a while, until I toppled in it and ended up breaking my arm. But before that, it had been a kick-arse afternoon. And after we'd gone to the hospital and I got my cast on, we stopped for ice cream on the way back even though she'd sobered up some by then."

"Even your good memory comes with bodily harm?" Josephine's tone had a bit of incredulity to it. 

Holli just shrugged. It had been painful at the time, but the fun time had been worth it. There weren't many of them. 

"Your turn," Holli said to Dorian.

"Right. Fair's fair after all," he said, fortifying himself with a deep sip of his wine. "Mine is to do with my father. I was to marry a pretty young thing from one of Tevinter's great houses. She was nice enough, I suppose. So eager to please her father, she was willing to marry me. My... proclivities weren't exactly public knowledge, but the rumour mill was churning. She was aware. She even brought it up in one of our meetings. She would be willing to turn a blind eye if I performed my duty."

"Is being gay a big deal in Tevinter?" Holli asked.

"Gay?"

"Is that not what it's called here? Prefer dudes. Homosexual."

"Why gay?" He questioned.

"Back when being gay was a big no-no, it was a coded word, I think. A gay boy meant a young man who would... service male clients. It just became accepted and turned into a more positive identifier during the Gay Liberation movement in the sixties, I think it was."

"Well, yes, it is a 'big deal'. Every Tevinter family is intermarrying to distil the perfect mage, perfect body, and perfect mind. The perfect leader. It means every perceived flaw – every aberration – is deviant and shameful. It must be hidden. And when I refused to play along... The arguments I could handle. I hated it, but I could live with it. But then I found out my father was planning to – to use blood magic to change me."

"Change you?"

"He was going to do a blood ritual. Alter my mind. Make me... acceptable. I found out. I left."

"Blood magic can do that?" 

Was it like some kind of magical conversion therapy? Conversion therapy was torturous; she couldn't imagine what adding magic to the mix would do.

"Maybe. It could also have left me a drooling vegetable. It crushed me to think he found that absurd risk preferable to scandal."

"Sucks not being enough for the people who are supposed to love us," she mumbled, sinking down into her seat and sculling back the rest of her wine.

"That it does," Dorian agreed, tilting his glass towards her.

"What's your happiest memory?"

Dorian's eyes drifted upwards as he thought about it. "I think it would have to be my first successful spell. We didn't even do anything amazing afterwards. It was just the smile on his face and the look of pride. It became harder and harder to attain over the years, but that one is imprinted in my brain."

He trailed off into silence, lost in his thoughts a moment before they both looked at Josephine. 

"Your turn," Dorian told her.

"I, uh... I'm not sure I want to talk about it," she replied nervously.

"Yikes, that bad?" Holli asked.

"More... the opposite. I'm afraid my worst memory pales in comparison. It's rather shallow, actually."

"That's what you get when you have a healthy, well-adjusted family," Dorian remarked haughtily.

"Mmm, quite," Holli agreed with that same sense of superiority. 

Josephine rolled her eyes into her glass as she drank from it.

"You know," Dorian said, looking at Holli. "This is quite possibly the most depressing session we've ever had. I'm considering revoking your membership."

"I have a joke," she offered.

Dorian gestured for her to go on.

"What's red and bad for your teeth?"

She gave them a moment before the big reveal.

"A brick!"

It sort of shocked an appalled laugh out of Josephine while Dorian looked both annoyed and amused. 

"That was terrible; why do I associate with you?" Dorian asked.

Holli just laughed, the first genuine one in a while. She might like pretty ladies' club.