Madness of Regret

A man must choose the way he lives. 

A life of happiness or A life of meaning.

And a man can have only one. 

Happiness or Meaning.

What would happiness look like for me? 

A kiss on the lips when I get home. Two hugs from my kids. Toys and gifts for them. Them shouting 'Daddy, Mommy Today in school…'. While we listened. A silent nod and look of respect and acknowledgment from my father. A ruffled hair by my mothers hand. Advice asked by my brother regarding love. Some playful banter with him. A dinner table with everyone talking, eating, smiling, laughing. A bed with the kids jumping while their mother let out a helpless sigh and a laugh. A story before bedtime. A look of feelings shared husband and wife. Someone, Something worth sacrificing for. 

Happiness maybe it always meant family for me. A family I will have. A family I have. Both together. 

Family. Me of the 3 days ago wouldn't even think of stuff like this. I was not secure. Not financially, not mentally nor in matters of care or love. A kiss on the lips when I get home? Life would make it so that the lips they used to kiss would utter words of ridicule. A silent nod of acknowledgment. Even the me in my dreams would dream of it.

Happiness. It was always out of sight. It was a dream. And I am not a dreamer. I could never be one even if I was one.

A life of meaning.

Meaning. Maybe all my life all I wanted was to find a meaning for my existence. I was not scared to die nor end myself hanging from a ceiling. I was not scared of living nor struggling for a better life. I was just….. Tired, reluctant and worn out. Tired of living but reluctant of ending it all just because I could. Worn out but still brand new on the outside. 

I was like a onion just that I wore layers to be useful, to survive another day. A onion layer after another. A mask behind layers of mask. 

Happiness seemed and seems distant for me. A life of meaning? Meaning? What is my life's meaning? What is a life of meaning? What use has meaning got more in my life than happiness?

Meaning? A life of meaning? 

Or.

Happiness? A life of happiness?

Happiness. To live in the present. 

Meaning. To live in both past and the future.

And I am a man living in his past not the present. I don't think I am capable to live in the present. Not now at least.

Happiness would always feel distant for me even if I get everything I wanted. I know that. But I don't want to acknowledge it. I am just like a kid not accepting reality. Saying the sun is smaller than the full-moon I see at night. I knew no reason only emotion. Those were the best days of my life. Still are. And may continue to be so if I stayed on the same path.

Now I have a new chance, a rotten fresh start. Not a fresh start but a start nonetheless.

And this time I want to choose meaning, a life of meaning with a touch of happiness from time to time. I got scars and wounds in my mentality that will stay till the end of my life. A life of happiness is always distant from me cause of it. Those scars and wound will linger. Even if I did pursue a life of happiness, I would do nothing more than …..

Pass it down my kids and they will do the same.

A generational curse. 

All I can do is carry the curse with me. 

A generational curse broken by me. Sounds like A life of meaning first baby step to me.

A life of meaning. Maybe that's all I ever needed. Maybe that was always my path, my lighthouse.

A life of meaning. What I needed.

My family. My regrets.

The water and it's elements. My desire.

Think for a second. Make a priority table. 

No. 1 priority: My regrets. Currently no optimal ways to resolve my regret. Can be placed in lower priority scale but must be completed by any means necessary. 

What can I say I am Asian, a South Asian. Familial values run deep. Deep enough to be in our genes. 

No. 2 priority: A life of meaning. I need a way to live. I can't wander like a unemployed hippy hoping around places to places. I can't waste a new start. If I end up in my own ways, I would truly be 1 in 99 of 100. 

Almost dying really puts a new perspective in life, huh.

Breaking a generational curse with it ending with me seems a proper first step.

Living a new way can be the second step.

No. 3 priority: My desire. The ever changing fickle hearted waters and her elements. I desired it. I wanted it. Will I risk everything for it? 

My heart says, no shouts. Yes. My mind says. No. 

I am a family man. I would rather throw away my desire if it went against my regrets. I was raised to be a man. A man ready to sacrifice. A man with responsibilities. A man like many other man. 

My desire will always be the least important even in my situation. My desire didn't keep me awake at midnight thinking about family, my life. My regret to not see them smiling did. Me thinking about what kind of life I was living did. The only thing my desire did was make me daydream and indulge in the cardinal sin of envy. 

A man willing to sacrifice? A man putting his family above his desire? Sounds like a red flag in this modern era. 

Maybe I am a old man by heart in the modern era. Someone searching for the 90's feel in the 21 st century. 

All the bad thoughts aside, I at the very least know what I am gonna do if I survive from this waters. Find a way to resolve my regret, live a life of meaning with a hint of happiness from time to time and if every stars align capture the elements and the waters in the palm of my hand. 

But for now, I have to survive. I will survive. 

I must.

—--—--—---—--—--—--—---—--—-—--—--—---—--———

The sun shone even more brightly. Midday judging from the angle. The sun blazing its heart out.

Just bloody great. Stinky fish, hot sun, innards all around me. Just terrific. 

Even the bones protruding out from my chest are getting a tan. What a life. 

My legs have muscles tear and bones displaced. Months of care and rest before I even get the chance to walk. At the least my femur is fine. Somehow.

My hands. The right hand holding the fish carcass is completely dislocated. Can't feel a thing nor move it. It's a surprise that its still attached to my body. At the very least its not letting the fish go away.

My left hand, I can move it but holding or squeezing my palm seems difficult. I wonder how the hell did I catch the seagull. It has some muscle tear and is painful to move but with no other option I just gotta bear the pain. 

My neck. Now this was a bitch. It limited my vision. My reaction time. The pain from moving it hurt me more than the bones touching my lungs. I would rather get few more fingers munched of my hand then deal with this neck pain.

My chest. I feel few ribs cracked and many bone fragments near my lungs. Hopefully none of the fragments has done extensive damage to my lungs, artery or heart. Few of the ribs are protruding from my chest and the organs exposed are basking in the sun. 

My head is basically fine. I can see, hear, taste and smell well. My eyes are burning maybe because of the thunder, salty waters and maybe because of the loneey toon fall to the raft. No harmful external injuries. Don't know if I have some internal issues. 

So all in all, I should not move my injured body parts. 

Seems like a legit thing to do, if I wasn't in the middle of nowhere. Fuck it, I am already a cripple. It won't matter if I walk funny if I have functioning legs. If I leave it be who knows I might even die due to immobility. 

I am not a predator but a prey. Not the first time and certainly not the last time. The seagulls flying above my head confirms that. If I can't fight, I at least gotta run. Even if its from A to B in this small raft. 

I needed my legs at least semi functional like my left arm. 

Speaking of left arm, it still had the seagull squeaking, screeching and whatever it was doing. Can I use my left hand to realign my bones? Feeling my grip on the seagull, yea that's a no. 

So, how do I realign my legs? Conventional methods won't do. I am in the middle of nowhere and the only help I can get is predator feasting on my corpse. 

I need a plan. A stupid and daring plan. 

I tried to make my torso stand 90 degree to the raft. I couldn't use my left hand cause of seagull and I doubt it could hold my weight. But hey at least I made it to like 40-50 degree. My neck hurt like a bitch during the whole thing and my completely dislocated right hand yet it weighed me down like a anchor. 

I couldn't even get a proper view of my legs cause of that. But hey at least neither of the legs are twisted 180, 360 or even 720 degree. Seems like it is the issue between the hip and the femur. What was the joint name? Femur joint? No. Ahh! Hip joint. 

So, the issue must be within my hip joint. Is my femur detached from the hip? Is my hip still fine after that looney toon slam? Fuck so many question.

Let's think. My bowels are fine. I haven't shit in like 2 days. Pissed 2 times before the dinosaur fight. Didn't have enough water to piss afterwards, I think. And I haven't gotten a case of diarrhea yet. So I think my hips are fine. Cant be certain about the bones though. Were the joints loosened by the looney toon slam?

Squawk! Fuck don't cry loud near me you fucking birds. 

And then I did the second most stupid thing I did in 30 minutes. I let the sea-fucking-gull out of my hand. Yea, it's gonna definitely come back for revenge or some shit. 

Fuck! No time before the seagull pack land on my deck and start pecking on my chest holes. 

I gotta take care of my legs and fast. 

I leaned my torso to the left, however much I could. I used my semi functioning hand to grab the jeans I had as tightly as I could. My neck was hurting like a bitch and even my leg started hurting the same. 

Deep breath and don't loosen your grip. I corrected my torso position to the middle. 

Deep breath. Deep breath. Deep breath. 

I stood my torso at whatever angle I could. I ignored the neck pain and took a deep breath and lifted my left leg like a yoga instructor would do to someone's wife. I really should have learned yoga for elasticity and to teach others.

And fucking hell, it hurt. I could feel my femur connect to my hip not the hip joint. I used my left hand to hug my left leg as I slowly moved it. I could feel my femur scraping my hip. And then I found the socket or at least the place I think is the correct position. 

I took a deep breath and did the most stupid thing in 30 minute. My torso stood more upright and I swear I could hear my right hand muscle tear. I placed my working hand atop the knee of the leg and I pressed the left leg in the hip joint. 

I could hear bones colliding. I could feel the bones colliding. And then I feel with the loudest scream of pain I ever cried out in my entire life.

MOTHER FATHER!