Passion (BL Novel)

Jeong Tae-ui smiled bitterly. Of course, he had never thought of himself as being very human. However, he had never expected to hear such words. Contrary to people’s prejudices about geniuses, Jeong Jae-ui was a very humane person.
“I must have done something very cruel to you without you knowing, or my brother did you a great favor. If I misunderstood even a little bit, it would be an insult.”
‘That’s not what I meant. For example… … That’s right. Is it that Jeong Jae-ui suffers more anxiety and agony than you? That’s what being human is all about.’

Jeong Tae-ui was speechless again.
The words that the man spoke casually without thinking for a long time were unusually unexpected today.
Anxiety and agony. Maybe so. How could he know what was inside his brother’s head unless he had entered it and come out? Since we can’t extract the emotions that each individual feels into absolute numbers, it’s not a matter of comparing who is more anxious or less anxious than whom.

“But objectively speaking, you’re lucky enough to think that you don’t know what anxiety and suffering are. You’re the kind of person who left home, saying that he’d have to experience misfortune himself.”
Jeong Tae-ui shook his head and muttered. Illei watched him silently for a while. It seemed like he was laughing on the other side of the monitor.
‘Jeong Jae-i is definitely extremely lucky. To the point where he can’t help but raise both hands and feet. But have you ever thought about what’s at the root of that luck?’

The smile disappeared from Jeong Tae-ui’s face.
I had been thinking that something was bothering me for a while. There was something nagging at him in his words, but I didn’t know what it was, but I felt like I vaguely knew.
This man knew something that he had never thought about, and didn’t need to think about.

“You’re my older brother, but you seem to know better.”
Illei seemed to have figured out what Jeong Tae-ui meant by his bitter words. He muttered, pretending to be embarrassed, and spread out his hands.
‘This is difficult. I didn’t mean to offend you. Let’s stop talking about this.’

Illei concluded his story in a light tone. Jeong Tae-ui glared at his white hands and eventually sighed. This wasn’t a topic he wanted to dwell on.
‘You seem to have calmed down a lot now. Your well-ripened complexion has returned to its usual color.’
At those words, Jeong Tae-ui, who had been rubbing his forehead with his thumb as if he was tired, turned his head and looked into the mirror. Just as he had said, his face, which had been flushed and wouldn’t go away, had returned to its usual color.

Jeong Tae-ui, who was wiping his face with his palm for no reason, heard Illei’s subtle voice in his ear. ‘But if it’s someone you’re keeping in mind while stuck on that island, it can’t be a woman.’
Jeong Tae-ui answered Il-lay, who was vaguely trailing off, sullenly.
“Of course. Since high school, I’ve never even held hands with a woman, let alone shake hands.”
‘Aha, so that’s what it means to be sexually immoral. Indeed.’

Il-lay muttered to himself as if he understood. Jeong Tae-ui, who had never intended to hide his preferences from the beginning, just didn’t mention it first, shrugged his shoulders.
“So, is that why you’re offended?”
‘Offended? Why should I be offended by someone else’s preferences?’

Il-lay burst into laughter. Those words clearly drew a line. Even though they were talking so intimately, they were clearly strangers. Practically, of course, and emotionally.
Jeong Tae-ui suddenly realized then.
This man did not feel any intimacy or affection for Jeong Tae-ui even though he was talking to him so freely. He did not feel the opposite either. He was literally a pure stranger, nothing more or less.
It was natural, but Jeong Tae-ui felt a vague surprise. Only then did he realize that Jeong Tae-ui felt quite close to this man. They had only met a few times on the phone, but like most people who have talked to someone several times, Jeong Tae-ui felt close to him for the amount of time he spent with him.

However, that did not matter to this man at all. He was not a person whose time and intimacy were proportional. If you think about it, he was someone who had a lot of potential for that, but he did not notice it at all. Even if they talked to each other dozens or hundreds of times, the feelings this man felt toward him would not change the way he felt toward others.
Regardless of whether he was cool or not, he was out of the emotional range of ordinary people.
In terms of humanity, you probably have nothing to say about anyone… … .

The words rose to the tip of his tongue, but he swallowed them back without saying anything. He had no intention of arguing, but since he knew that he was drawing the line with others, he felt that it would be presumptuous to give such advice to others.
“That’s too bad, but I liked you quite a bit.”
‘Aha, if it has to do with sexually deviant behavior, then I’m always happy.’

“……No. I definitely didn’t mean it that way.”
Jeong Tae-ui muttered as if he was fed up. Of course, Illei, who must have known, smiled softly.
At that moment, a faint mechanical sound came from far away. The regular beeping sound seemed to be some kind of timer, alarm, or call. It was coming from the other end of the phone.

Illei looked back. He sighed deeply and tapped the desk with his fingertips.
‘Whenever someone wants to take a break, they always call. I guess I should go now.’
“Okay, then let’s meet again next time.”

‘Yeah. ―――Oh. Now that I think about it, the joint training between the Asian branch and the European branch was almost here, right?’
“That’s right. I know about it.”
He was a book dealer, an arms dealer, and a suspicious man, depending on how you look at it.

However, the schedule for the joint training wasn’t necessarily a secret, and Iley seemed to have a close relationship with his uncle, although I don’t know the details, so it wouldn’t be strange if he knew.
‘Joint training right after entering the branch, it must be hard. I wish you luck. Don’t die.’
“It’s a pretty ominous thing to wish you luck, but thank you.”

When Jeong Tae-ui muttered with a dumbfounded laugh, Iley seemed to laugh a little too. And then the call ended.
***
It was a Friday night with mixed emotions.
On Friday evening, after finishing regular work, they drew lots as scheduled. Who would stay here in the Asia branch and who would go to another branch? As they already knew, those coming to the Asia branch in this joint training were from the European branch, and those going from here were from the South American branch.
Jung Tae-ui thought it didn't matter which one, but seeing his colleagues so much hating the European branch made him want to stay here and see their faces once. However, for his own peace, it would be better to join the team leaving for the South American branch.

Furthermore, when he closed his eyes—even if he didn't—the image came to mind vividly.
In it, a neat and tidy man stretched out his black-gloved hand and grabbed the opponent's neck, piercing the neck and leaving a dark red mark.
If he ever ran into that man.

Jung Tae-ui, who had imagined that for a moment, suddenly felt cold and shrugged his shoulders.
I should take care of my own life
With that thought, Jeong Tae-ui picked up a random ball from the box, which was numbered 62. Then, after the rest of the club members picked out all the balls with numbers from 1 to 96 written on them, the instructor came out and took out a ball from another small box. That ball had the number 2 written on it. It was an even number.

While Jeong Tae-ui was spinning the ball number 62 in his hand with a bitter expression, it was decided who would stay and who would leave. Those who picked even numbers would stay in the branch, and those who picked odd numbers would leave for the airport on Saturday, the next morning.
As the lottery was over and they dispersed, there was a commotion among the club members.
Jeong Tae-ui clicked his tongue as he left the large lecture room with his colleagues who had subtle expressions on their faces. It couldn't be helped since it had already come to this, but for the sake of his own safety, he wanted to go to South America.
Perhaps it was not only Jeong Tae-ui who thought so, but most of them as well. Among those who criticized the European branch, those who stayed here did not look so happy. However, those who went to South America did not look so happy.

Either way, from three days later, hellish suffering would continue for two weeks.
Jeong Tae-ui slowly walked behind his colleagues who were noisily chatting, and since he did not want to go downstairs with them, who were filled with a subtle atmosphere, he changed direction on the stairs.
Even if he went into his private room and closed the door, he would still be able to hear his colleagues chatting outside the hallway. Right now, he felt like staying somewhere quiet.

His uncle’s room was the best for that. For one thing, there were hardly any people on that floor, and his uncle had been busy for the past few days, so he had not been seen for a long time.
I appreciate this one thing, Uncle, he said, fiddling with the key in his pocket, and when Jeong Tae-ui reached his uncle’s room, the landlord was absent again today.
Jeong Tae-ui, who had been lying on the bed without even taking off his outer clothes and burying his face in the blanket for a while, suddenly got up heavily. It seemed like he would fall asleep just lying down. He must have been tired because the training and education had been tightly packed throughout the regular hours for the past few days, and even during free time, he had been bothered by his colleagues.

“What are you planning on doing, making people this tired in the preparatory stage before even starting the full-scale training… I’m going to die first because my stamina is low.”
Jeong Tae-ui sighed and took a book out of the bookshelf. He would come here every day and read a few dozen pages before leaving. It was a book that he could read in no time if he put his mind to it, but it wasn’t easy when his body was as limp as cotton soaked in water.
Jeong Tae-ui took the book back to the bed, lay down, and glanced at the phone. The phone, which was silently silent, showed no sign of ringing.

When I was alone in someone else’s room, it was more comfortable not to have him come, but the occasional phone call from that white hand was quite enjoyable. It wasn’t all that enjoyable, though.
Jeong Tae-ui turned the page he had stopped reading. He saw notes his uncle had made in the corners of the book here and there. His uncle’s reading habit was to write down in the margins whenever he thought of something while reading. Looking at the notes his uncle had written, he could trace what he was thinking as he read the book, and that was also a form of enjoyment.
Before coming here, it wasn’t that often that he met his uncle. Jeong Tae-ui, his brother, and his uncle were all the same, so even if they only saw each other once or twice a year, they didn’t feel awkward or distant. Even if they did see each other for a few years, they treated each other no differently than they did yesterday. However, when his uncle occasionally visited the house, he spent most of his time with Jeong Tae-ui’s father, and after his father passed away, he would talk to Jeong Jae-ui, so Jeong Tae-ui didn’t really talk much with his uncle.

Thinking back, his uncle was quite an outstanding figure in his own family. It must not have been easy for someone born and raised in an ordinary family to become a prison guard at UNHRDO.
‘What I ultimately yearn for is no different from what people hundreds of years ago and hundreds of years from now would yearn for. But will that be the cause of humans remaining human?’
Jeong Tae-ui traced the sentences added in his uncle’s handwriting at the bottom of the book’s pages with his fingertips.

When Jeong Tae-ui first opened the book, there was a faint smell of dust. Perhaps his uncle had seen this book a long time ago and put it away. So this passage is a fragment of his uncle’s thoughts from many years ago, when he was younger or younger than he is now.
There was a certain charm to groping into someone else’s buried thoughts.
What I ultimately longed for. Jung Tae-yi seemed to know that, but he couldn’t. I never remember longing for anything before. Just as it always was, with the flow.

‘Is it that Jung Jae-yi suffers more anxiety and agony than you? That’s what being human is like.’
Suddenly, Illei’s words flashed through my mind.
Maybe my brother was longing for something. My brother, who can get whatever he wants and is free of obstacles, could have something like that in a way that Jung Tae-yi couldn’t guess.

“But if that’s the case, then the word ‘human’ is very negative.”
Jung Tae-yi smiled bitterly.
It seems that he dozed off while groping through the pages of the book, sentence by sentence.

His mind became a pitch-black blank space, and countless random thoughts unrelated to his will crossed his mind, and eventually they mixed, divided, and mixed again.
There was someone who woke him up from that unconscious chaos.
Jeong Tae-ui, who had fallen asleep with his face covered by an open book despite the light being on, woke up when a hand took the book away. His uncle’s face was staring down at him in front of him.

“I can’t sleep even with glasses on, but you can sleep with something so heavy on your face?”
His uncle shook the book as if it was strange. Jeong Tae-ui got up from his bed, frowned, and scratched his head, drunk from sleepiness.
“Why was my dream so messy? I guess it was because that thing was on my face…….”

“Dream? Since when did you sleep that you dreamed so much?” As he took off his top and unbuttoned his shirt, his uncle smiled at Jeong Tae-ui. Jeong Tae-ui turned his head to look at his watch, still half-asleep. It was a little early for midnight.
“I think I slept for an hour or two. The dream…what was it? I was dragged by my uncle to some island and was trapped there with some vicious men, fighting blood and living…”
“Hmm…I think that’s not your typical dream. How about buying a lottery ticket?”

“If it’s not your typical dream, does that mean it’s a really typical dream?”
“Yes.”
“……. Uncle, have you changed jobs recently? Like a sales position at a lottery sales agency…?”

“Oh. You found something like that in Korea while I was away? That sounds fun.”
With the speculative industry booming, it might happen soon… , Jung Tae-ui woke up from his drowsiness while muttering. He got out of bed, took water from the fridge, and drank it, and he was completely awake.
He brushed his messy hair back and turned around to see his uncle taking off his shirt.

“You must be busy these days. I’ve been coming here every day for the past few days to read books, but it’s been a while since I’ve seen you, uncle.”
“I’m usually really busy right before joint training. There’s a mountain of paperwork, a mountain. And I have to prepare things here and there in advance in case a few of them die.”
Jung Tae-ui muttered, “I really hope I don’t end up being the beneficiary of that arrangement,” and sat on the stool next to the bed and stared blankly at his uncle. His uncle, who quickly took off all his clothes and headed to the bathroom, didn’t show any signs of fatigue on the outside, even though his voice was hoarse. The time when Jeong Tae-yi returned to the office after reading a book in this room for the past few days was always past midnight, so it means that his uncle finished work past midnight every day, and he is in good physical condition.

“Come to think of it, you ended up staying here.”
“Oh, yes. Are you going to South America, uncle? I heard one of the instructors will lead you.”
“No, this time, Golding will go instead of me. I will go to a different branch for the next joint training.”

A voice was heard from the bathroom where his uncle had entered. The sound of water was heard for a moment, followed by the sound of bubbles sloshing around as if he was washing his hair.
“But you’re good at drawing lots, so what’s that? You ended up staying here, which is so dangerous. Still, if there was a 50% chance, you could draw a lucky lottery.”
“People like Jae-yi’s brother drew all the lucky lots.”

“Who else in the world is like Jae-ui? The world is so unfair because of that one guy.”
Jung Tae-ui laughed at his uncle’s muttering.
“It looks like this training won’t end well either.”

His uncle spoke in an annoyed tone. Jung Tae-ui stopped tapping his heel on the stool. Then, as if staring at his invisible uncle, he looked toward the bathroom.
“Somehow it sounds ominous. ……Did you get the list of European branch members who will be coming over?”
“Hmm―――We’ll do the final confirmation after the plane takes off tomorrow morning, but it’s been roughly decided.”

“If the training won’t end well……I guess there’s a troublemaker among the branch members coming over.”
Jung Tae-ui slyly asked. He couldn’t hear it properly over the sound of the shower running while his uncle was rinsing his hair, but he thought he heard a vaguely positive answer.
Regrow. Rick, the crazy guy who no one in the European branch could touch. The man who left a red mark with his pitch-black gloves.

Jeong Tae-ui came to the Asian branch to find that man.
I can’t count the number of times I thought my brother was lucky, but I never thought I had an unlucky life, but maybe I should adjust that thought a little.
“He was known as a crazy guy……. The members would be in a state of emergency, but the guards ◈ Nоvеlіgһт ◈ (Continue reading) would have a hard time if that kind of person came.”

When Jeong Tae-ui said that, his uncle grumbled, “That’s right.”
“When I saw the video a while ago, I lost my will to fight……. Do you think I’d be safe if I fought that guy?”
His uncle answered without thinking for long.

“It would be hard.”
“Hmm…….” 
“It’s not just you, it’s the same for anyone. It’s hard to fight someone like that properly. Well, if you’re determined to give up your bones and cut off your flesh, there’s no way you can’t do it.” 
“Give up your bones and cut off your flesh……, it’s the one who’s at a disadvantage.” 
“I told you, he has no choice. You saw that video, right? Ask other guys who’ve experienced it firsthand. Even if there’s a guy with the guts to attack, there won’t be a braggart who says he can do it on his own.” 
Jeong Tae-ui shut his mouth. Even when his uncle spoke in a light tone, he never lied. And he’s never made a bad judgment, at least not that Jeong Tae-ui has ever seen. 
“……. I guess you just have to run away well, if you want to save your meager life.”
“No, he’s not a murderer who kills everyone he meets, so there’s no need to be so stern. The important thing is that he’s not related.”
My uncle came out of the bathroom. My uncle, who walked out naked with a towel on his wet head, took out water from the refrigerator and drank it all down. As if all the moisture in his body had drained away, the 1-liter water bottle was more than half empty in an instant.
“Are you done washing already?”

“No, I only washed my hair. I’m thirsty. I didn’t eat or drink properly all afternoon and was busy with work. And then the list of people from the European branch who were coming in the day after tomorrow came in, so it was a total mess. If that guy comes in, there’s going to be one or two more places to contact. Like the undertaker.”
“……. Uncle. I want to live.”
“Of course. Obsession with life is a human instinct. Unless you suffer from depression, everyone is like that.”

“If it’s not related, does that mean it’s okay if you don’t touch it first?”
The uncle didn’t answer for a moment as he was finishing emptying the water bottle. After he had emptied it cleanly to the last drop, he wiped the few drops of water that had dripped down the corner of his mouth with his fingertips and stared at his nephew.
“Do you think so?”

“……. Well……. I don’t know that person very well, so I don’t know how to deal with him at all.”
“I don’t think so.”
“After hearing what you said, I think so too.”

Jeong Tae-ui said gloomily. The uncle threw the empty water bottle carelessly and went back into the bathroom.
“It doesn’t matter if you touch him first or not, the most important thing is to just not get involved with a crazy guy. Once you get entangled, it’s no use running away. You just have to stay out of sight.”
“Um―――It’s difficult."

“In this cramped space where it must be a hundred at most, how could he not be seen if he’s not an invisible man?”
“I told you, he’s not the kind of guy who would catch and slaughter everyone he sees. You just have to avoid getting caught in his sights. Then, you’ll be fine as long as you don’t run into him right in the middle of training. The other Europeans are just as unlucky, but there’s no one as helpless as him.”
The sound of water was heard again. My uncle, who had been muttering to himself, “Ah, hot, why are you like this all of a sudden? Is there something wrong with the regulator……,” soon seemed to be fine and even hummed softly.

“You know each other, that guy named Regrow?”
I asked, feeling a bit unfamiliar with my uncle’s tone. He didn’t answer, perhaps because he couldn’t hear because of the sound of the water. But when I thought about it, it must have been impossible for him not to know. After all, the man from the European branch was so famous that everyone in the entire branch and headquarters knew him, and my uncle must have been to the European branch several times for work. 
Two weeks. 
Sitting on the stall, leaning against the wall and staring at the ceiling, I gradually began to feel that something was going to work out. It seemed unlikely that I, whose goal was to quietly live a peaceful life in a corner, would do anything that would catch my eye, and in fact, two weeks wasn’t that long of a period. 
It was such a short period of time that it was hard to make even one friend, so would it be that easy to make one enemy? 
Yes. Even if my colleagues pushed me away, even if I had to be labeled a traitor, I absolutely must not step forward. Unlike those who came here of their own free will for the benefits within the organization and for a secure future, I was dragged here with the premise of a limited time of half a year. That’s why I can do that.
Jeong Tae-ui easily justified himself and nodded in satisfaction.
At that moment, his uncle’s humming stopped for a moment, and then he suddenly spoke as if he had remembered something.

“Okay, from tomorrow onwards, don’t come to my room until the end of the joint training.”
Jeong Tae-ui tilted his head. He saw his uncle’s arm soaping himself through the open door. He quickly turned his head and looked at the book he had thrown on the bed.
“I haven’t read that book yet.”

“I told you to borrow it. Personal contact between members and guards is prohibited during the joint training period.”
In fact, it was prohibited in principle even in normal times, but his uncle added, pretending to be stern.
Jeong Tae-ui muttered to himself, “I don’t have the guts to borrow a 3,500 dollar bill… …” and picked up the book that was within reach. Then he stood up and walked to the bathroom door with a swaying pace.

“Uncle. If I die during my training period, please bury this book that I haven’t read yet.”
“People who die without children are not buried and burned… … I’ll burn it with mine.”
“If you’re going to do it, tell me that you won’t die.”

“That’s what fate is all about… … . … … Well, I don’t think you’ll die.”
After a brief pause, his uncle nodded and spoke casually. When he spoke casually, it seemed even more sincere, and Jeong Tae-ui couldn’t help but chuckle.
A strong stream of water soon flowed out of the bathroom. It seemed that he was only going to shower today and not fill the bathtub with water.

Should I go back? For a while, the only time he’ll be able to sleep comfortably is today and tomorrow, so he should replenish his already exhausted stamina a little.
However, for some reason, his steps didn’t move. Jeong Tae-ui thought about why for a moment and then recalled a story that had been etched into his heart like a stain for some time.
“… … .”

It wasn’t a very pleasant topic, but I had to say it anyway. I thought I should at least tell my uncle that I knew.
Jung Tae-yi leaned against the bathroom door and looked up at the ceiling for a moment before suddenly blurting out.
“But uncle, since when did you start developing weapons?”

It wasn’t a big deal, and he said it casually, but after a while, the sound of water in the bathroom suddenly stopped. His uncle also fell silent for a moment along with the sound of water that stopped.
“Where did you hear that news from?”
His uncle’s voice sounded as casual as Jung Tae-yi’s.

“Laurent Gastille, the broker. I thought he was a book broker, but he wasn’t.”
“You’ve talked about a lot. Did he call you today too?”
“No, I didn’t hear it today. It’s been a while, and I had forgotten about it, and I hadn’t seen you in a while. And it’s no use wondering. … … Well, I don’t think I did it while I was living with you. Then, it must have been when I was at UNHRDO.”

“I received many requests before that, but I guess you could say I got involved in earnest. What did he talk about?”
My uncle clicked his tongue while answering as if it was nothing special, without hiding it in particular. It seemed like it was news he didn’t really want to tell. Actually, it wasn’t something he wanted to tell.
“I didn’t really tell you. But you still do it, hyung?”

“No, I’ve stopped now. I said I would only do it while I was at UNHRDO. I think he received many requests after leaving UNHRDO, but I think he turned them all down.”
That's right, Jeong Tae-ui nodded.
Thinking back, there were times when he received strange phone calls during the few months that Jeong Tae-ui had been discharged and returned home. The tone of voice alone clearly showed that he was not an ordinary person, and it wasn't surprising because he had often received international calls before because of Jeong Jae-ui. However, he had a fleeting thought of what kind of person he was, who was so persistent in looking for Jeong Jae-ui, who didn't go out much in ???.

Jeong Tae-ui straightened up his body that had been leaning against the wall.
That was fine. In fact, Jeong Tae-ui had no reason to say anything because he was still continuing development, but since it was something he had stopped doing, he didn't want to ask or think about it any further. He should just pinch me on the cheek when he saw me later. Why would he use his good head for something like that?
"Then I'll go now. I can come back after the joint training is over, right?"

"Yeah."
Uncle answered without even looking out of the shower. Jung Tae-yi stretched out his arm and shook the book against the bathroom door.
“I’ll borrow this, Uncle.”
“Okay. Don’t be too rough with it. It’ll be a pain to get it back.”

“Yes, yes.”
Of course, you’re not going to throw $3,500 away like that, Jung Tae-yi added, and walked toward the door.