Sweet Shot

#11

**

Because Tae-in suddenly said he had an appointment and left first, only Ha-min and Tae-rim were in the back seat of Tae-rim’s car. Even though Ha-min said he didn’t need to be driven, Tae-in had ruthlessly shoved him into the car. Tae-rim just said he was planning to drive him anyway, so he should get in. In the end, it became another uncomfortable situation. Of course, only for himself.

The conversation Ha-min had unintentionally overheard had a big impact on him. Although it was something he already knew, hearing it directly with his own ears was a completely different matter.

He knew. He knew it was nonsensical. He understood that most conventional views consider it abnormal for a man to like another man, for men to date each other. He thought Tae-rim would feel the same, but it seemed that a vague “what if” had taken root in his heart. Because hyung cherished him… Because hyung treated him well. For such reasons alone, he had been planting seeds in his heart and nurturing them by himself.

And above all, it didn’t apply to him. Not because he was Song Ha-min, not for any special reason, but simply because he was a man. It was a rejection from the very beginning.

“You’ve become less talkative.”

In the car filled with silence, Tae-rim was the first to speak. Perhaps because the car was warm, or because he had emptied a bottle of wine at the bar, his voice had become quite languid. Ha-min’s gaze, which had been blankly staring out the window, slowly moved. His nose wrinkled slightly as he tried to interpret Tae-rim’s sudden words. But before he could interpret their meaning, Tae-rim continued.

“In the past, you used to chatter, calling me ‘hyung’.”

“…Ah.”

“And you used to steal glances at me.”

Ha-min’s face flushed at the realization that not only did Tae-rim remember the past, but he had known all along that Ha-min had been secretly looking at him.

“…You knew?”

“I thought you wanted me to know.”

When Ha-min asked with surprised eyes, Tae-rim chuckled softly. His face suggested he found Ha-min’s pure reaction very amusing.

“…I thought you wouldn’t know.”

Ha-min also let out a deflated laugh at the old memory. It felt foolish that all his efforts to secretly observe without being caught had been in vain. Feeling embarrassed, Ha-min fiddled with his fingertips. For some reason, it was difficult to turn his head towards Tae-rim. The overheard conversations were still buzzing in his head, and seeing Tae-rim speak so kindly in front of him made his heart feel heavy.

Whether aware of Ha-min’s feelings or not, Tae-rim looked intently at Ha-min, who was just fidgeting with his hands, with his head tilted slightly.

“You always show everything, always.”

“…”

“Not calculating, not tainted…”

Tae-rim’s hand rose towards Ha-min’s earlobe. He had done this once before, and this time too, he caressed Ha-min’s earlobe. Was it a habit of his? Whether a habit or not, to Ha-min it was an intimate gesture. Everything Tae-rim said was wrong. Not tainted? No. Would an untainted person’s whole body turn red from just a small touch? Would their heart feel like it’s about to burst from just that? He was wrong, and he didn’t know anything.

“That’s why I like you.”

“……”

Tae-rim smiled gently. Ha-min felt suffocated by the air in the car. Tae-rim’s simple feelings seemed to be constricting his chest. He felt like a criminal. Because it wasn’t him. Because he didn’t like Tae-rim in that way. It hurt his heart to understand so clearly what Tae-rim’s kindness meant. It felt like he was being pushed off a cliff.

Not wanting to show his downcast face, Ha-min slightly turned and bowed his head. And he forced a smile.

“But how could such a pure heart be misunderstood like that.”

Tae-rim muttered as if talking to himself. Ha-min knew what he meant. Thanks to the conversation he had overheard.

“…What do you mean?”

But he pretended not to know and asked. Maybe he shouldn’t have asked. He should have been satisfied with the confirmation he had already received. He couldn’t stop the words that automatically came out.

“Hee-jae…”

Tae-rim, who had started to speak, suddenly trailed off. He closed his mouth for a moment with a thoughtful expression, then shook his head slightly. And he let out a sardonic laugh as if it was absurd.

“…Never mind.”

“…”

“I just heard some nonsense.”

Tae-rim suddenly cut off his words as if it wasn’t worth talking about. Ridiculous talk. The assumption that he could like Ha-min was, to him, nonsensical, not worth mentioning. Ha, Ha-min quietly exhaled. It sounded like a breath of someone whose throat was being strangled.

Tae-rim pulled the trigger again, hitting the bull’s-eye. Right in the center of Ha-min’s chest.

With devastating accuracy… painfully.

**

The student union building was bustling with students during lunchtime. Ha-min’s group was also gathered on the terrace of the student union building to pass the time between classes. Woo-kyung and Chae-rin, who hadn’t had lunch, were eating cup noodles and triangle kimbap, while Eun-soo was busy tapping on her phone, presumably occupied with student council work.

“Why are you so spaced out today, hyung?”

Woo-kyung, who had been eagerly slurping his cup noodles, looked quizzically at Ha-min, who seemed more deflated than usual. Seeing Ha-min absent-mindedly resting his chin on his hand, having stopped taking notes, Woo-kyung called out to him again.

“Hyung?”

Woo-kyung gently poked Ha-min’s arm.

“Huh…? What?”

Ha-min’s eyes widened as if startled.

“What were you thinking about so deeply that you didn’t even hear me calling you?”

Woo-kyung asked with a chuckle.

“I told you this oppa isn’t good at multitasking.”

Eun-soo, who was typing faster than anyone on her phone, interjected. She didn’t seem surprised by Ha-min’s absent-mindedness.

“You look like something’s happened.”

“No, it’s nothing…”

Woo-kyung narrowed his eyes sharply and glanced at Ha-min. Ha-min shook his head, saying it was nothing. He let out a deflated sigh, as if finding it funny that he had been spacing out.

“I know that face. That’s definitely the face of someone who’s been rejected.”

“What, are you introducing yourself?”

When Woo-kyung spoke, snapping his fingers as if he had the right answer, Chae-rin naturally retorted and then shoved half a triangle kimbap into her mouth.

“Ah shit, what are you saying.”

“It is a self-introduction. You got rejected by three people right after the semester started.”

Eun-soo laughed and chimed in at Chae-rin’s words. Woo-kyung glared at Chae-rin and Eun-soo alternately with indignant eyes. He huffed with a frustrated face and then defended himself.

“I wasn’t rejected!”

“How can you pick only the prettiest girls in our school no matter how you look at it, is your confidence just crazy?”

Eun-soo asked seriously with a face that seemed truly baffled. As she teased him, circling her finger at her temple, Woo-kyung, seemingly at a loss for words, muttered “fuck, fuck” and poured the ice from his drink into his mouth. Eun-soo giggled, finding his reaction amusing. Even Chae-rin, who had only made a few comments, let out a light chuckle.

Ha-min was the only one who couldn’t laugh. He could only marvel at Woo-kyung’s intuition, but couldn’t bring himself to smile. Because it was as good as being rejected…

‘He’s a man.’

Just that one sentence, no more, no less. Tae-rim’s words, which he had dismissed as nonsense, came back to him, keeping him awake one night and giving him nightmares another. Of all things, he dreamed of his high school days.

He was sleep-deprived, and as a result, his thoughts grew more complex day by day. This feeling, which was as good as being rejected even though he hadn’t confessed, was harder than he expected. He hadn’t planned to show his feelings or confess, not wanting to be denied. He hadn’t even dreamed of it. But while he had deliberately avoided it, he ended up being unexpectedly hurt.

While he was trying so hard not to get hurt… he even had the foolish thought that maybe it would have been less unfair if he had at least confessed. If he was going to be rejected anyway, if he was going to be denied anyway, wouldn’t it be better to at least confess? Wouldn’t it be better to at least show his feelings? Then at least he could give up faster… If he could at least vent his inner feelings once, it might feel more cathartic even if he gave up… He was filled with impossible thoughts.

“Were you really rejected?”

Eun-soo, who had been bickering with Woo-kyung, carefully asked Ha-min, who was still spacing out even in that short time. It seemed she had noticed that Ha-min’s condition was very different from usual.

“It’s not like that. I just haven’t been able to sleep lately.”

It was Chae-rin who glanced at Ha-min after his excuse-like answer. She was the only one who knew he had someone he liked. Somehow, it felt like she had caught him in a lie.

“It’s because you’re studying so hard from the beginning of the semester. Take it easy. We have a lot to do, hyung. We have the festival coming up, group blind dates, MT, lots of things.”

Woo-kyung rambled on with a face that didn’t understand Ha-min’s response. Eun-soo glanced at him as if doubting his words, but then shifted her gaze back to her phone and spoke.

“That’s right. Take it easy. Oppa, when I look at you, it’s like you’re living too hard, as if you’re not from this world. I was surprised to see you even taking notes on professors’ jokes, you know? I’ll collect all the past exams from the seniors, so don’t worry and just enjoy school comfortably.”

“Wow, Ha Eun-soo, you’re cool.”

It was Woo-kyung who was impressed by Eun-soo’s reliable words. But Eun-soo cut him off.

“I’m not showing them to you.”

“Ah, discriminating again?”

“I can’t show them to someone who just sleeps through the entire lecture. I hate freeloaders.”

“Wow, savage. But I can’t argue because it’s true. But still, show me. I’ll buy you lunch at the school cafeteria.”

Ha-min smiled softly as he watched the two bickering again. And then he suddenly reflected on whether he had appeared that desperate.