NOVEL ONLINE FREE Chapter 19
[It’s Closer Than I Thought]
Less than an hour after leaving that message, the doorbell rang. Looking out through the intercom, I saw Muk Ha-neul, as expected.
I went straight out and opened the door, and there stood Muk Ha-neul, who was now definitely taller than me.
“You’re early.”
“Uh, um…?”
“What are you doing? Come in already.”
“Isn’t this Seol-guk sunbae’s house…?”
“Yeah.”
“Umm… Who are you?”
I let out a long sigh. Did she really not realize who I was just because of my hair color, or was she just in denial? The casual speech, as if she thought I was younger than her, irritated me.
“Who else in this country would have this hair color right now? Just come in.”
With a flustered demeanor, Muk Ha-neul entered the house, and I guided her to the sofa. I poured her a glass of water.
After awkwardly accepting it, Muk Ha-neul set down the shopping basket she had brought and asked.
“Is it really you, I mean, are you really Seol-guk sunbae?”
Her clumsy mix of informal and formal speech made it seem like she still couldn’t grasp the situation. Honestly, it was a story that would be hard to believe for anyone. A male sunbae who used to be taller than her suddenly became such a small kid.
“Yeah. I’m Seol-guk. The rude, bad-tempered, sharp-tongued Seol-guk. The one who was supposed to go see a play with you last weekend.”
“It’s really you…”
“Would I be fake?”
Muk Ha-neul, who had been making a flustered expression until just now, was now genuinely surprised. It was indeed surprising. I had lived my life not even realizing that I had such a condition.
Muk Ha-neul didn’t seem much different, either.
“You’ve become smaller than I thought… Your face does seem a little similar, though.”
“Really?”
That was an unexpected comment from Muk Ha-neul. Do I resemble my old self? I hadn’t felt that way when looking in the mirror, but perhaps that was true. It felt nice to think that a bit of my past still lingered in this appearance.
“Yeah, but your hair color is… interesting. It suddenly looks bleached. But why is your hair like that?”
“What do you mean?”
“It looks like a rat chewed it or something. Did you cut it yourself?”
This girl is quite sharp.
“It used to be longer, but it was uncomfortable, so I just cut it. I couldn’t go to a hair salon, so I cut it roughly; is it that weird?”
“It’s weird. Should I give it a little trim?”
“You can do that?”
“It’s not that I can do it, but I can definitely make it look better than it does now.”
There was a strong determination in Muk Ha-neul’s words. It seemed she couldn’t just leave my hair like this. Given that there was a limit to what I could cut myself, I thought it would be okay to leave it to Muk Ha-neul.
“Then cut it. Can you make it really short?”
“Huh? You want it shorter?”
“Yeah, if it’s long, it looks like a girl.”
At my spontaneous suggestion to cut it short, Muk Ha-neul’s face stiffened. Was she genuinely offended by what I said? I used to say things like this without a second thought. Was there really a reason for her to be upset?
But it seemed Muk Ha-neul’s stiff expression had a different reason altogether.
“Isn’t it a bit too much to cut it that short…?”
Muk Ha-neul seemed to dislike the idea of cutting her hair short.
“I don’t care. Just cut it.”
“B-but I think longer would suit you better…”
“Who cares? I’m not interested in that.”
“Still, dressing up a bit can make a better impression socially.”
“If I wanted to make a good impression, I wouldn’t be saying things like this.”
“But really, it’s such a waste…”
“Stop being annoying.”
Muk Ha-neul tried to convince me, but my mind remained unchanged. Even though I had become a girl, my mindset hadn’t changed. I certainly had no intention of dressing up like a girl. Wanting to cut my hair was part of that.
No matter what Muk Ha-neul said, my thoughts wouldn’t change.
~
…there was a time when I thought like that. Eventually, as if conceding, Muk Ha-neul took the kitchen scissors I provided and tried to tidy her hair up.
“Then please sit here…”
I sat in the chair as she suggested. I wrapped a towel around my neck since the cut hair might fall into my clothes. That part was fine.
Muk Ha-neul suddenly said something, as if she just remembered.
“Come to think of it… there were quite a few sunbaes in our department who cut their hair short.”
That remark naturally reminded me of… the group I hated most. Those involved in the movement often referred to as “탈코” or “탈코르셋.”
Feminists.
The movement that claimed to break free from the social demands of femininity, which was essentially just ugly pigs giving up on their looks because they could never meet the standards. They indeed existed in the literature department, and I had openly expressed my hatred for them and had refused to associate with them at all.
Of course, my reason for wanting to cut my hair short was not at all related to the 탈코르셋 movement. But in a way, it shared similarities in rejecting femininity and giving up on dressing up.
Could it be that I would also be seen as resembling that image by others? The idea of being treated as a feminist was utterly ridiculous, but I couldn’t tolerate even that single misunderstanding.
Feeling thrust into doubt, I said to Muk Ha-neul, who still seemed unable to touch her hair, in a small voice.
“…Let’s just stop cutting it.”
“Huh? Really?”
“I don’t know; I just felt a bit uncomfortable.”
“You made a great decision! I’ll tidy it up nicely for you.”
That wasn’t necessary.
In the end, Muk Ha-neul neatly styled my hair. Looking at it, my previously messy hair seemed much better now.
“Thank you.”
“Don’t mention it. By the way, I was worried it might have gotten damaged since you said your hair was bleached, but it doesn’t seem like it. I did tidy it up, but I think you should go to a salon properly next time.”
“Well, I can’t hide forever. Once the public opinion settles down, I’ll have to do that.”
It seemed it would take quite a long time since the TS condition had gained such public attention due to my age, but in any case, this issue rarely lasts long in Korea. It’s already been about two weeks. In two more weeks, the number of people concerned would probably decrease.
“By the way, your house seems a bit empty.”
“I just moved suddenly. It’s not like I moved myself; the National Intelligence Service helped me.”
“From the National Intelligence Service? So, the rumor about them helping you with your identity is true?”
Muk Ha-neul asked with a somewhat stiff expression. I shook my head.
“No, I’m not doing anything like that. They recommended it, but I have nothing to flee from since I haven’t done anything wrong.”
Muk Ha-neul seemed to relax her expression, as if relieved. Then she said,
“It’s comforting to see you as the original sunbae.”
“Well, that’s a relief.”
It was somewhat soothing to know that Muk Ha-neul still regarded me the same. Though she had her limitations as a girl, she was one of the few who could see me for who I was.
However, Muk Ha-neul’s thoughts seemed somewhat different.
“But you’ve changed quite a lot on the outside. You’ve become so small.”
Muk Ha-neul gently grabbed my shoulder from behind while I sat in the chair. It felt a bit ticklish and weird.
“Hey, let go…”
I tried to shake off Muk Ha-neul’s hand, but it somehow wouldn’t come off. Eventually, I told her directly to stop, and only then did she withdraw her hand.
“Sorry. I guess I held on a bit too tightly. Did it hurt?”
“It’s not about the pain…”
Sigh, whatever.
There was nothing to say to this foolish girl who didn’t even realize what an impudent thing she had done.
“Come to think of it, your clothes look really casual. They look like clothes a boy would wear.”
“I’m a boy. And I didn’t pick them out.”
“Then who chose them for you?”
“The National Intelligence Service staff bought them. Even the underwear, everything.”
“Even… the underwear?”
“I only have this one set.”
“Was that National Intelligence Service person a woman or a man?”
“A woman. Why do you ask?”
“Oh, it’s nothing.”
Asking such strange things.
“Am I, um… wearing proper underwear right now?”
“It doesn’t seem like a question you should be asking the male sunbae who is four years older than you.”
“You brought up the underwear first, didn’t you?”
Did I? As I kept feeling the sensation of the snug triangular panties, I must’ve slipped.
“Anyway.”
“So are you wearing proper underwear right now?”
“Why does it concern you?”
“It’s important for now. You might find this a bit awkward to hear, but…”
“It is awkward, so stop.”
“But you need to wear properly fitting underwear during your growth period.”
Somehow, I felt like Muk Ha-neul wasn’t even listening to me. I had no interest in discussions about proper fitting underwear. Irritation began to build up, but for some reason, I found it a little difficult to get mad at Muk Ha-neul like before.
That was partly because I was sitting in a chair right now, but also because Muk Ha-neul was significantly taller than me, which lent a bit of intimidation. I thought I had gotten used to this perspective, but meeting an acquaintance I had known from before made it feel extremely awkward.
“Can I take a look around your closet?”
“There’s probably nothing to see.”
“What?”
“I only have this one outfit now. And the underwear too. The National Intelligence Service staff only bought this outfit and the hat over there.”
“Y-you only have one outfit? And a hat?”
I pointed to the hat I had tossed on the sofa.
“They told me to avoid going out, but if an emergency occurs, I should wear that hat to conceal my hair. I wore it when coming here as well. And they only bought me that one outfit. Since I can’t go out right now, I was planning to order something online.”
Muk Ha-neul’s expression grew gravely serious. It was the most serious and earnest expression I had seen all day.
“…Sunbae.”
“What?”
“Let’s go buy some clothes.”