The Unbelievers

Chapter 88

I found the North Star. The North Star is positioned at a point that aligns with Earth’s northern rotational axis. Yoo Siwoon taught me that when adjusting a telescope, you need to first find the North Star to align the polar axis.

In summer, you can find the North Star by drawing a straight line connecting the two stars at the end of the Big Dipper’s ladle. In winter nights, you can see the North Star by following the middle of Cassiopeia’s W shape. He taught me that as long as you know the positions of the Big Dipper and Cassiopeia, you can find the North Star even in seasons when observing one side is difficult.

Just like making up for what Eunseong never received from his father, Yoo Siwoon tended to teach him properly and kindly whenever showing him something.

Eunseong mumbled, pretending not to find Cassiopeia even though he had already spotted it.

“…Is that it? It looks right, but also not quite…”

Yoo Siwoon, who had been keeping his distance all day, finally approached Eunseong upon hearing his mumbling. Eunseong recognized the man sitting beside him by his warmth and scent. He didn’t hastily turn around despite being glad he had come closer. Like not rushing to grab a cat that finally approaches after repeatedly calling it, he pretended not to notice that Yoo Siwoon had moved closer.

Yoo Siwoon, now very close, looked through the finder and slightly adjusted the telescope tube position to center Cassiopeia in the crosshairs, then asked,

“Can you see the W-shaped constellation?”

This time Eunseong looked through the finder and found the constellation. What he had been staring at for quite some time was now clearly visible in the dark night.

“Ah, I see it. Oh, so that’s it. This is the North Star and… it seems clearer today.”

Eunseong casually grabbed Yoo Siwoon’s arm. It was a touch that said: don’t go anywhere, stay beside me.

After gazing at the stars through the finder for a while, Eunseong turned his gaze to Yoo Siwoon sitting beside him.

“It looks cleaner and clearer in winter.”

“…Because it’s winter. Stars are more visible in winter.”

He gently brushed Eunseong’s disheveled hair with a careful hand.

Eunseong enjoyed not only these moments of sitting together but also being completely in his space.

Especially his study was a place that revealed where his interests lay, what he liked, what he cherished. It even showed what kind of person he was.

The dog leash and memorial stone made from ashes placed on one shelf told a story, as did university reports and assignments. Boxes of old belongings were stacked here and there, and when secretly opened, they contained things like an old yellow duck toy and children’s books that he might have played with when very young.

His personality—unable to easily throw things away, believing it natural to take responsibility until the end once his heart was given—was evident throughout the study.

The more Eunseong encountered his possessions and cherished hobbies, the more there were aspects he couldn’t understand. Like the tattoos covering Yoo Siwoon’s body. They were far removed from his taste.

Eunseong wanted to know how he ended up with such crude, vulgar tattoos that didn’t match the study space at all—whether they were a rebellious denial of his identity or a record of a time when he wandered and wavered.

Yoo Siwoon was a person with many secrets, constantly arousing Eunseong’s curiosity.

“…”

“…”

Eunseong, who had been staring at him as if falling into his gaze, slightly tilted his head toward Yoo Siwoon and moved closer.

In the warm light where dust particles could be seen floating in the air, as if enchanted or drawn, their lips overlapped. The sensation of moist skin, the somewhat rough and heavy touch of hands cupping his cheeks and neck intensified Eunseong’s emotions. Yoo Siwoon, who had been kissing him with gently pressed lips, suddenly seemed to pull away.

Eunseong opened his closed eyes.

“…It’s late. We should go to bed now.”

“…”

Eunseong’s eyes followed Yoo Siwoon as he got up hurriedly, as if he had something to do.

Eunseong, left sitting alone, turned off the light and closed the study door. Yoo Siwoon, who had fled the study first, was arranging the bedding. Their eyes met as he unnecessarily flapped the blanket, preparing for bed.

“Good night.”

“Yes, I’m going to sleep well.”

Having bid goodnight to Yoo Siwoon who suggested he go to bed, Eunseong didn’t leave the bedroom but approached him and hopped onto the bedding he had arranged.

“…What are you doing?”

“You said good night.”

“You should sleep in your room, not here.”

“I don’t want to.”

“May I ask why you insist on sleeping here when you have your own room?”

“Ahjussi’s bed is wider, and the blanket looks cozier than mine. I’m feeling drowsy right now, so I’m just going to sleep here. You sleep well too. Sweet dreams.”

“…”

Yoo Siwoon ran his hand through his hair, looking troubled, and stared at Eunseong who had brazenly claimed one side of the bed and lay down.

He couldn’t tell Eunseong to leave when he was already pretending to sleep with his eyes closed, and it would be awkward to insist on propriety after having just kissed. Besides, he didn’t dislike it.

If they just slept quietly side by side without doing anything… wouldn’t it be okay to desire that much?

Wouldn’t it be alright to stay together a little longer? Just that much…

Looking perplexed, Yoo Siwoon also lay down stiffly on the bed. After blinking while staring at the ceiling, he turned his head slightly and met Eunseong’s eyes, who was staring at him intently. Somehow having turned to face him, Eunseong was lying on his side with his head resting on his arm, endlessly gazing at Yoo Siwoon’s profile.

“Ahjussi, you didn’t have nose surgery, did you?”

“…Why would I do that? I believe in living with what I was born with.”

“Don’t say that to people.”

“Why?”

“They’ll criticize you.”

“Can we stop staring and go to sleep now?”

“Yes.”

“…”

He warned him subtly to stop looking and closed his eyes. Despite consciously trying to ignore it, the ticklish gaze fixed on him didn’t disappear. Yoo Siwoon sighed and opened his eyes again.

“There’s a line here, though you can’t see it.”

Yoo Siwoon demonstrated by drawing an imaginary line between himself and Eunseong.

“What line?”

“A line you shouldn’t cross. Don’t you know about the 38th parallel?”

“What’s the 38th parallel?”

“The 38th parallel, you don’t know?”

Yoo Siwoon turned to Eunseong with a puzzled expression, as if wondering how a Korean person could not know about the 38th parallel.

“What’s the 38th parallel? Oh, are you talking about the military demarcation line? Who calls it the 38th parallel these days?”

Eunseong laughed incredulously. When Eunseong burst into laughter, he also smiled faintly. Seeing this, Eunseong laughed even harder, saying it was truly absurd. Yoo Siwoon, equally amused by the outdated term he had used, joined in the laughter.

After laughter swept over them, silence soon followed. In a place with almost no background noise, the stillness surrounding them became even more pronounced.

Tracing the imaginary line Yoo Siwoon had created, Eunseong spoke.

“You said you were conservative.”

“…”

“May I ask how long you plan to remain conservative?”

“Does it need an expiration date?”

“I’m not that liberal a person either. I understand being moderately conservative.”

“…Thanks for understanding.”

“I don’t think you could ever be garbage.”

“I think I already am.”

Eunseong’s fingers touched the back of Yoo Siwoon’s hand resting on the bed. Eunseong groped for and held his hand.

“I’ve already crossed that line.”

“…”

The fingers that had been caressing the cross on the back of his hand traced each protruding knuckle. Yoo Siwoon felt as if a bug had landed on the back of his hand. He couldn’t avoid it or remove that hand.

“Can I ask why you got this tattoo?”

“Just because. I wanted to look bad.”

“Why did you want to look bad?”

“…I had to look bad.”

“Is it some kind of concept?”

“Just, well, something like that.”

As if having no desire for power, he had to show that he wasn’t capable of such thoughts. In front of those who kept him in check, Yoo Siwoon deliberately exposed his tattoos and even pretended by wearing tacky gold rings, meticulously deceiving them. It was because of such efforts that Eunseong could now be by his side.

“I don’t think that’s it. You’re not the type to do something like this without a reason.”

Eunseong’s tone was firm. His hand continued to touch the back of Yoo Siwoon’s hand. His finger moved along the cross-shaped tattoo.

“You don’t think I’m that kind of person?”

“No, I don’t think so.”

“How do you know?”

“I can just tell by looking.”

“You know that much about me?”

“…”

Yoo Siwoon turned to Eunseong. Without realizing it, he stared intently into Eunseong’s eyes.

If he really knew what his heart was like, what his character was like, he shouldn’t be lying next to him like this. Lying defenseless by his side with that clear face, that beautiful face, with eyes where aesthetics overwhelmed ethics, touching his hand seductively while sharing a bed—these were things one could do only by not really knowing the person Yoo Siwoon was. It was clearly a mistake.

Not just a mistake, but a huge one—a mistake hinting at a tragic disaster.

Yet Eunseong confidently claimed to know him well.