They Mistook my Meow as a Dao

It began, as most questionable events in the spirit realms do, with an overly enthusiastic phoenix and a badly timed prophecy.

Xi-Xi crash-landed into the Azure Cloud Sect's meditation pool, scattering koi and excitement everywhere.

"MASTER!" she shouted, wings on fire. "The Celestial Beasts are hosting a talent show and you've been chosen as a judge!"

Whiskers blinked from atop his moss pillow.

He yawned.

He turned away.

"You can't refuse!" Xi-Xi chirped, spinning midair. "They invoked the Law of Divine Entertainment Clause #37!"

Elder Mei stepped forward nervously. "That… is unfortunately binding. Once declared, you must judge at least three acts or risk cosmic disharmony and/or fireworks."

Whiskers narrowed his eyes.

He hated fireworks.

"Fine," he grumbled. "But I'm not clapping."

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The Celestial Talent Summit was held on a floating island carved from sky coral, with audience seats grown from sentient bamboo.

The event was hosted by:

Madam Croaklotus, famous marsh toad soprano

Thunderhorn, now semi-retired and still slightly charred

And Xi-Xi, who appointed herself "Co-Supreme Sparkly Host"

Whiskers was placed in a throne of silk and moonclouds.

A "Judge's Collar" was gently draped around his neck.

It jingled.

He glared at everyone.

"Smile!" said a cloud crane taking portraits.

Whiskers sneezed. The camera exploded.

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Act 1 – Flame-Treader's Interpretive Lava Ballet

The Fire Turtle prince emerged wearing a tutu of glowing magma leaves.

He performed a rolling, twirling dance to the sound of erupting volcanoes.

Three spirit pigs in top hats wept openly.

Whiskers: "Too hot. But expressive."

Score: 6.3 out of 9 (with decimals approved by the Dao Bureau of Artistic Mathematics)

Act 2 – Bloomtail Fox Choir

A trio of fox spirits sang in harmony while their tail-flowers shifted color with the music and petals filled the air. A baby snake ascended out of sheer joy.

Whiskers: "Too floral. Good pitch."

Score: 7.0 (lowered by half a point when a daisy landed on his nose)

Act 3 – Sky Goat Reciting Slam Poetry

Thunderhorn stepped up to the stage and growled: "The sky rumbles but not as loud as the pain in my heart when she left m

For a raccoon."

Silence.

Then a single clap. From Madam Croaklotus. Xi-Xi burst into emotional tears.

Whiskers: "Needs editing."

Score: 4.2

Act 4 – The Squirrel Brothers: "Acrobats of Destiny"

Squeaks and Chirr launched themselves from slingshots, bounced off drums, juggled sparkfruit, and ended by forming a glowing "W" in the sky.

Xi-Xi gave them honorary medals.

Whiskers: "Acceptable chaos."

Score: 8.0

Act 5 – Crown Prince Yu Long's Dragon-Flute Solo

The Azure Dragon Prince performed a haunting melody using a flute carved from ancient glacier bone.

The stars dimmed and the Dao Tree hummed. One of the judges forgot to breathe.

Whiskers began grooming his paw.

Xi-Xi: "That was BEAUTIFUL!"

Whiskers: "Too moody. Needs more fish."

Score: 6.9

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During a break, Whiskers wandered behind the stage and:

Knocked over the snack table

Stole three fishcakes

Took a nap on a lighting array powered by spirit lightning

When someone tried to wake him for Act 6, they got zapped and enlightened by accident.

A hush fell over the audience.

The final performer was...

Madam Croaklotus.

She croaked out a divine opera, her throat sac glowing like a moon-pumpkin.

The air thickened with water qi and lilypads sprouted in mid-air.

One sword cultivator sobbed into his scarf and declared eternal celibacy.

Whiskers opened his one eye and let out a low purr.

It echoed across realms.

Madam Croaklotus bowed.

Whiskers stood and walked to the stage.

He leapt onto the judging dais and he licked his paw and batted the "9.0" paddle into the air.

The audience erupted in cheers. Fireworks exploded in petal shapes. The squirrel brothers accidentally set part of the sky on fire (it got better).

Due to a paperwork mix-up (possibly raccoon-related), every participant was declared winner of one category or another:

Most Chaotic Performance: Squirrel Brothers

Loudest Emotional Impact: Thunderhorn

Best Use of Lava: Flame-Treader

Best Floral Lighting: Bloomtails

"That's My Master!" Award: Xi-Xi

Quietest Approval Given by a Cat: Madam Croaklotus

Special Jury Prize for Not Being Annoying: Crown Prince Yu Long

Each beast was gifted a fish-themed trophy sculpted from moon ice.

Whiskers vanished before the closing ceremony. Later discovered asleep inside the winning trophy.

No one questioned it.

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Extra: The Dao of Judgment

Later, a new phrase spread across the beast realms:

"To be judged by the Cat is to know thy worth.

To be ignored by him is to understand humility.

And to receive a fish-shaped trophy is to transcend."

Xi-Xi started designing Whiskers' Talent Show Emblem, featuring a yawning cat, crossed fish, and the motto:

"Perform, or Don't. He Probably Isn't Watching Anyway."