They Mistook my Meow as a Dao

It began, innocently enough, with a nap.

Whiskers was curled in the sun on a stack of Sect documents—specifically, a bundle of celestial treaties, sent down from the Heavenly Realm for "review and signature."

Naturally, no one thought he would actually sign anything and then Whiskers rolled over, and his paw—divine, fluffy, and accidentally destiny-altering—pressed an ink pad and slapped a celestial scroll with a perfect pawprint.

There was a soft hum.

Then:

"HEAVENLY UNION CONTRACT ACTIVATED."

Thunder cracked.

Flower petals rained from the sky.

Somewhere, a harp played itself.

Xi-Xi burst through a window: "MASTER?! What did you do?!"

Whiskers yawned.

Her name was Lady Ruan Fei.

An immortal cultivator of moonlight and blade arts.

Known as the Gentle Sword, feared for her deadly elegance and even deadlier dimples.

She once cut a mountain in half because someone lied about liking her tea blend.

She appeared at the Azure Cloud Sect in a whirl of moon silk and fanfare and she descended on a beam of starlight with three phoenixes carrying her luggage.

A spirit goose announced: "YOUR WIFE HAS ARRIVES, OH FLUFFY ONE."

Whiskers blinked from the shrine roof.

"Meow?"

Ruan Fei bowed low.

"I, Ruan Fei, do hereby accept our fated bond as ordained by celestial law."

Whiskers sneezed.

Ruan Fei smiled gently. "I see. Shy."

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Elder Mei: "WE CAN'T LET THE CAT GET MARRIED! WHAT IF HE LEAVES?!"

Elder Mo: "He ate a marriage document. He's done worse."

The Raccoons: begin building wedding booths

Xi-Xi: "CAN I BE FLOWER BIRD?!"

Whiskers curled on the offering altar. He was licking his foot.

Ruan Fei took up residence in the Azure Cloud Sect courtyard, setting up an elegant moonlit tea pavilion where she waited, serenely, for her "beloved husband" to visit.

Whiskers visited.

Once.

He knocked over a teacup, stole a dumpling, and fell asleep on Ruan Fei's lap for seventeen hours.

Ruan Fei called it "the most romantic moment of my immortal life."

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Whiskers tried multiple times to undo the marriage: He shredded the celestial contract. It grew back, embroidered.

He tried to bury it. The Dao Tree unearthed it gently. He sneezed on it. The ink glowed brighter.

Finally, he tried to run away.

Ruan Fei followed. Silently. Gracefully.

By the third attempt, Whiskers gave up and curled in Ruan Fei's sleeve out of protest.

"He's not fighting me," Ruan Fei told the Sect. "That means we're spiritually aligned."

"He bit your sandal," Elder Mei pointed out.

"Affectionately," Ruan Fei replied.

Heaven insisted on officiating.

The Dao Tree agreed to host.

Guests included: The Phoenix Chick, dressed in fifty ribbons

The Squirrel Brothers, firing acorns of joy

Three confused sword spirits

The Moon herself (more on her later)

Whiskers was placed gently atop a golden pillow.

Ruan Fei recited vows that made two deities cry.

Whiskers snored softly and released a fart of divine wind that cleared the clouds.

It was, technically, a sacred omen of peace.

At the end, Whiskers opened one eye.

Ruan Fei whispered, "We are now bound by law and fluff."

Whiskers closed his eye again.

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Extra: Married Life (Sort Of)

Ruan Fei now lives permanently at Azure Cloud Sect.

She built Whiskers a floating nap pavilion.

She brushes his fur daily.

She sings lullabies made from sword chants.

She never touches Whiskers without permission (unless it's bath day).

Whiskers still tries to ignore her.

But he also:

Brings him spirit fish

Curls on her pillow

Once saved Ruan Fei from a falling star by yawning it away

Everyone in the Sect agrees:

They are the weirdest, most terrifying, and oddly adorable couple to ever shake the Three Realms.

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Special Side Story – "The Day the Moon Tried to Adopt Whiskers as Her Son"

Told in whispered bedtime stories to young spirit beasts. Author: Unknown. Possibly a raccoon.

For countless eons, the Moon watched from afar. She saw emperors rise, sects fall, oceans move but what caught her attention—at last—was a cat.

A small one.

Furry. Round. With the audacity to sleep through divine storms.

She whispered to the stars: "That is my child."

The stars blinked politely.

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The Moon rarely left her palace but for this, she descended.

Silver robes trailing mist. Eyes like galaxies. Voice soft enough to break time.

She arrived in the Azure Cloud courtyard at midnight.

Whiskers was asleep in a flower pot.

She beamed and said "My dear son. You've grown strange. But still soft."

Xi-Xi screamed.

Elder Mei fainted.

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The Moon approached the Sect Elders.

"I will take him to the Palace of Moonlight and raise him as my own."

Whiskers opened one eye.

"Meow."

Elder Mo choked. "M-madam celestial entity, he's already married!"

"To a mortal?" she sniffed. "Divine cats can have hobbies."

Ruan Fei appeared. Sword drawn.

"My husband is not up for adoption."

The Moon smiled. "You are cute."

"I will duel the cosmos."

"Fine. But only if he consents."

All eyes turned to Whiskers.

He licked his paw.

Then flicked a pebble at Ruan Fei's foot.

Ruan Fei bowed. "Apologies. The emperor has spoken."

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Instead of adoption, the Moon offered visitation rights.

She built Whiskers a moon garden in the sky

She sends him monthly gift baskets of stardust salmon and anti-demon plushies

She knit him a cosmic scarf with moons on it (he wore it once and immediately destroyed a spirit parasite—it's now framed in the Sect Hall)

She calls once a week via celestial mirror.

Whiskers stares blankly while Xi-Xi chats for an hour straight.

The Moon calls Xi-Xi her "grandbird."

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Some say the Moon remembers a different cat.

One who wandered her palace long before time.

Who curled atop her head while she sang dreams to the stars.

Who left, one day, to nap beneath the Dao Tree… and never returned.

Others say she just really likes cats.

Either way, she signs every letter to Whiskers:

"Love, Mom (Moon Mom, not Fish Lady from the Lake)"