They Mistook my Meow as a Dao

Deep beneath the Rotten Lotus Mountains, the Ebon Maw Sect gathered.

Known for:

• Eating spiritual bones

• Chanting in reverse

• Terrible fashion sense (everything reeked of mildew and regrets)

They'd recently suffered ten consecutive defeats against righteous sects.

Their leader, Grand Cultist Chao, slammed a skull-shaped teacup down.

"Clearly, our feng shui is off."

"What if," said the junior strategist, "we kidnapped a divine beast?"

Murmurs.

"What if," he added dramatically, "we kidnapped... the cat."

Utter silence.

Then Grand Cultist Chao grinned.

----------------

They sent scouts.

They returned broken.

"Master," one cultist wept, "he meowed once and my shadow ran away."

Another wailed, "He stared into my soul. It left. It LEFT."

Finally, they resorted to Plan G: disguise as fishcake vendors.

Two disguised cultists approached Azure Cloud Sect gates holding a suspiciously glowing snack cart.

"Fresh grilled fishcakes! With soul extract!"

Whiskers, sunbathing on a tile roof, opened one eye.

Then blinked.

Then teleported directly onto the cart.

They cheered internally.

"He took the bait!" one whispered.

Then Whiskers sneezed.

The cart exploded.

Somehow, despite the cart detonating into golden mist and slightly traumatized songbirds, Whiskers reappeared inside the Ebon Maw Sect's inner sanctum—curled in their sacrificial bowl.

They panicked.

Grand Cultist Chao screamed, "CONTAIN IT!"

They drew demonic seals, chanted forbidden words and summoned binding chains.

Whiskers yawned and the chains melted.

The seals caught fire and the altar transformed into a soothing moss bed.

A chorus of whispers echoed in the dark:

"Cute."

"Power."

"Fluffy fate."

"My liege."

And the Cult breaks down (Spiritually)

Day 1: Whiskers wanders into the treasury and takes a nap on the corruption orb. It purifies. Becomes a purring gemstone.

Day 2: He knocks over the Suffering Bell of Thousand Screams. It now tolls bedtime lullabies.

Day 3: A senior cultist tries to banish him. Whiskers bites his shoe. The cultist attains partial enlightenment and opens a dumpling stall.

Day 4: Whiskers turns their black sacrificial robes into cute pastel aprons.

Day 5: They erect a shrine to Meowlord Whiskers, Gentle Harbinger of Nap-ocalypse.

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Lady Ruan Fei, tracking her husband through divine threadlines, arrives mid-chant.

She finds:

Cultists kneeling in perfect circles

A shrine full of fish-shaped offerings

Grand Cultist Chao writing devotional poetry titled "Meow is Eternal"

She raises a brow. "Where is he?"

Whiskers pads out of the treasure vault, a crown of shadow-lilies atop his head.

"Meow."

Ruan Fei: "You're not staying."

Whiskers sighs and curls into her sleeve.

Cultists cry.

One whispers, "He chose her. She must be the queen."

Ruan Fei unsheathes her sword. "No cults. Go drink tea."

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The Ebon Maw Sect dissolves within the week.

Its members split into:

1. A nonprofit called "The Order of Paws"

2. A delivery service for spirit fish

3. A group of wandering poets spreading cat-themed wisdom like:

"If you nap long enough, all wars end."

"Meow once. Let the cosmos echo."

The Azure Cloud Sect receives a basket of apology mooncakes.

Whiskers bats one into the pond.

The koi reach enlightenment.

Extra: Cultist Testimonials

✎ "He destroyed my worldview and made it fuzzy."

✎ "I came to summon darkness. I left with a fish plush and inner peace."

✎ "His purr shook my soul. I now teach yoga to demons."