They Mistook my Meow as a Dao

Xi-Xi, the phoenix chick, had recently attended a seminar on "Personal Branding and Cultic Momentum" hosted by a retired thunder deity turned motivational speaker.

She came back inspired.

Clutching a notebook titled "Rise and Burn: How to Ignite Your Fanbase (Literally)", she fluttered down to Whiskers' moss throne and declared:

"MASTER. I'M STARTING A CULT. YOU'RE THE GOD."

Whiskers did not respond.

He was busy hunting a sunbeam on the wall.

Which, in his mind, was a spiritual battle against fleeting enlightenment.

Xi-Xi took this as a mystical nod of approval.

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She named it: "The Eternal Nap."

Slogan: "Awaken. Then Nap Forever."

Doctrines included:

1. Weekly naps under sunbeams

2. Mandatory fishcake offerings

3. Ceremonial Ignoring of Problems™

4. Meditation through purring

5. Advanced followers were taught the ancient greeting:

  "Meow be upon you."

Ruan Fei: "This is blasphemous."

Xi-Xi: "It's cute blasphemy."

Ruan Fei: "…Proceed, but no fire sermons indoors."

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Xi-Xi set up a shrine booth outside Azure Cloud Sect's main gates.

It featured:

A cardboard cutout of Whiskers made of bamboo

Glittering paw print stickers

A devotional handbook titled "101 Lessons from the Nap"

Surprisingly, people came.

A wandering spirit donkey found inner peace and lay down for the first time in 700 years.

A sword cultivator gave up battle rage and now teaches gentle tai-chi-for-tabby-spirits.

The squirrel brothers founded a side cult called "Fluff Ascension."

They chant in meeps.

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The cult grew.

And with it… miracles.

A girl with hiccups prayed and hiccupped a pearl.

A farmer's goat kissed the shrine and began levitating (briefly).

Someone saw Whiskers blink slowly and claimed to have "understood love and also taxes."

Whiskers, meanwhile, had no idea.

He was busy pawing a jade beetle behind the treasure vault.

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The Celestial Faith Integrity Bureau launched an inquiry.

Agent Yue, a very tired cloud spirit, arrived unannounced and found:

Cultists napping in synchronized peace

A floating cat plush that purrs when you cry

A raccoon monk quoting lines like:

  > "When the Cat looks away, we find our true selves."

Agent Yue filed a report titled:

"Suspected Cult of Sleep. Non-violent. Mildly prophetic. Potential cheese theft risk."

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To resolve things, the heavens decided:

Whiskers must address the crowd.

A formal divine speech.

Ceremonial robes.

Feathered podium.

Xi-Xi delivered the message.

Whiskers yawned and climbed onto the podium mid-ceremony.

Thousands of followers stared.

He sat.

Looked down and licked his paw.

Then fell asleep for three hours.

The next day, the cult split into:

• The First Dreamers: who believed sleep was the highest truth

• The Sacred Yawners: who practiced "Awake Meditation" by pretending to be asleep

• The Cat Path Ascetics: who stopped talking altogether and only communicated with tail swishes

A sect war nearly erupted—until Whiskers wandered through camp at dawn and accidentally stepped in a rice pot.

Everyone fell prostrate.

The rice was declared holy.

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Ruan Fei finally had enough.

She stormed into the main shrine with her sword still sheathed (a bad sign).

Xi-Xi was teaching a class titled:

"Advanced Nap Positions for Dao Flow."

"End it," Ruan Fei said flatly.

"But the people—"

"Are starting to think he controls fate by sneezing."

Whiskers sneezed in the background and someone attained mid-tier enlightenment.

Ruan Fei sighed and she turned to the cultists and said

"My husband is not your god."

A dramatic pause.

Someone in the crowd whispered: "That's what a god's wife would say."

Ruan Fei immediately unsheathed her sword.

Everyone dispersed peacefully.

Extra: The Cult That Was (and Sort of Still Is)

Xi-Xi officially disbanded the cult but "The Eternal Nap" became more of a philosophical movement than a religion.

Its tenets are now taught in spiritual schools as:

"The Doctrine of Dozing"

"The Cat Path: Gentle Daoism for Chaotic Souls"

"Meowlogy 101 (Introductory Course – Bring Snacks)"

Whiskers, unaware, sleeps beside a scroll titled "Greatest Prophet of Our Age?"

He once shredded it. It was enshrined.

Select Teachings from the Eternal Nap Cult

✎ "He turned away. Thus, I turned inward."

✎ "Every nap is a sacred pause."

✎ "When he bit me, I was reborn."

✎ "Some gods roar. Mine purrs."