Wake Up As Ozpin

The first thing he did after Ruby left was sit in complete silence, staring at the door as if it might physically help him process his life choices.

The second thing he did was spin his chair around dramatically, steeple his fingers, and mutter, "Alright. Let's reorganize. Step one: survive the paperwork. Step two: survive Beacon. Step three… figure out if I can actually fight. Step four… What was step four again?"

Ozpin shook his head, fixated on step three.

Because, now that he thought about it—he had no idea.

Sure, Ozpin was supposed to be strong. Like, immortal wizard, secretly running Remnant strong. But him? He was just some guy. Some guy wearing the skin of the most powerful man in Vale.

He held up his hands, flexing his fingers. "Alright, let's try something."

He focused, willed himself to feel something—any kind of power.

Nothing.

He frowned. "Okay, maybe aura first."

Closing his eyes, he searched for the warmth of aura activation. Come on, come on, anime rules, don't fail me now—

A dull thunk echoed as his knee hit the desk.

"Ow!"

Rubbing his leg, he exhaled. "Okay, no instinctive aura control. That's… not great."

He glanced over at his cane—The Cane of Legendary Wizardry™. He hesitated. Slowly, carefully, he reached for it, fingers wrapping around the polished metal.

He lifted it.

Swung it a little.

Nodded. "Yup. That sure is a stick."

He eyed the far end of the office.

Alright, if I was Ozpin, how would I use this thing?

He took a stance. Adjusted his grip. Pointed the cane forward like he'd seen in some RWBY fight clips.

Then, with the utmost confidence—

He flicked it.

It did not do anything.

He shook it again. Nothing.

"…How does this thing work?"

He tried thinking about spinning. No effect.

He spun in place. Still nothing.

He muttered, "Alright, either I'm an idiot, or this thing doesn't come with an instruction manual."

A pause.

He sighed. "I am definitely an idiot."

Sitting back down, he glared at his reflection in the teacup. "Alright, new plan. We find out how Ozpin fights before someone challenges me to a spar and reveals to the entire world that the headmaster of Beacon can't even swing a stick properly."

That was not the kind of plot twist he needed.

Unfortunately, Glynda Goodwitch existed. And Glynda Goodwitch had questions.

The door swung open. "Ozpin, I've scheduled a combat demonstration for you tomorrow morning."

He choked on air. "What?"

She frowned. "You asked me to arrange it last week. You wanted to personally evaluate the incoming students' combat potential."

His mind was screaming. "Did I?"

"Yes. You also mentioned you would participate."

He maintained a perfect poker face. "Did I."

She adjusted her glasses. "Of course, if you're not feeling up to it, I could always inform the staff that our esteemed headmaster has suddenly fallen ill."

He had never felt so threatened in his entire life.

"No need," he said smoothly, despite the internal crisis. "I will, of course, be attending."

Her eyes narrowed slightly. "And participating?"

He hesitated.

Her smirk grew.

He sighed. "Yes, Glynda."

She nodded, satisfied. "Good. I'll let the students know."

She turned to leave—then paused. Looked back at him.

"...Are you feeling alright, sir?"

He straightened. "Why do you ask?"

She studied him for a moment. "You seem… off."

"I assure you, I'm fine," he said, voice steady. "Just… preparing for tomorrow."

She raised an eyebrow but said nothing.

As soon as the door closed behind her, he buried his face in his hands.

"I am so dead."

—

Step Five: Do Not Get Exposed as a Fraud.

Tomorrow was going to be a disaster.