Just A Friend

#27

‘At the age of thirty-four…’

Nineteen. It’s an age when everything is ambiguous and equally capricious. He shouldn’t be caught up in the same unclear emotions. Nam Seonwoo took a small deep breath while glaring at Kang Jihan’s wet sneakers.

“Listen, I’ll tell you clearly.”

Rather than just coldly rejecting him or gradually distancing himself, he needed to refuse clearly. Not with emotional punches, but with clear words. Given Kang Jihan’s personality, he thought this approach would be better understood.

“Even if it were Park Gyuhyeon, or Kim Jaewoo, or just a junior I barely knew from school, I would have come out. It’s not because you’re special or anything, it’s just my personality.”

Kang Jihan looked down at Nam Seonwoo, who was drawing a line with a calm face.

“So don’t blame me again, deal with your feelings yourself. I…”

His eyes, which seemed to pick up every resolute expression and every breath taken in the momentary silence, listened to everything about Nam Seonwoo as if they had become ears.

“I can be your friend, but I can’t be your lover.”

It was a clear rejection. Kang Jihan, who seemed to be mulling over this rejection, nodded.

“I understand.”

Nam Seonwoo looked up at this unexpectedly easy acceptance, which was almost disappointing. Kang Jihan, who met his gaze as if he had been waiting for it, immediately spoke.

“You’re saying you’ll be friends even if I’m gay, right?”

And he was asking if Nam Seonwoo would stay by his side even if that gay guy liked him. Although that wasn’t the main point, it wasn’t entirely wrong either, so Nam Seonwoo nodded reflexively.

For now, Kang Jihan seemed satisfied with just that. It was a reaction that made Nam Seonwoo understand what he might have been thinking for the past six hours. One-sided messages and an empty playground with no one coming out. For someone who had probably considered the worst possibilities, this rejection might have actually sounded welcome.

…It seemed he needed to emphasize the ‘rejection’ part again. Nam Seonwoo spoke firmly, emphasizing each word.

“Anyway, I’ve given my answer, and now I’m going home. From now on, if I don’t contact you, just assume I’m not going to and do your own thing. Don’t wait around like this like some loner.”

“But aren’t you closer to me than to Park Gyuhyeon?”

Momentarily at a loss for words at the sudden question, Nam Seonwoo replied incredulously.

“Compare apples to apples. I’ve known Park Gyuhyeon since middle school, how could I be closer to you?”

“Is knowing someone longer important?”

“No, that’s not… it’s not just about that.”

“Then what?”

Now Nam Seonwoo seemed to understand what Kang Jihan was trying to ask.

“How can I become closer to you than Park Gyuhyeon?”

And why he was asking it.

At first glance, it sounded like a childish complaint. A trivial complaint trying to confirm the superiority of their friendship, too petty to even call jealousy. But the face saying these words was so serious, resembling yesterday’s face.

Only the packaging of the words had changed; he was asking the same thing as yesterday.

He was asking how he could make Nam Seonwoo like him.

To this question with such transparent intentions, Nam Seonwoo replied exasperatedly.

“That’s why I’m asking, why are you asking me this?”

“I’m not good at studying, right?”

Readily admitting what Nam Seonwoo had said before, Kang Jihan continued.

“But when you teach me, I do well.”

His attitude of seeking an explanation, just like when he asked about English passages, seemed almost brazen, making Nam Seonwoo want to hit him. Perhaps seeing this intention on his face, Kang Jihan raised the corners of his mouth and said,

“So teach me. How to get close to you.”

Nam Seonwoo was finally certain. This guy really wasn’t the Kang Jihan he knew.

…How to get close to me? If I tell you, are you actually going to do it?

‘As if.’

The unnecessary stubbornness arose because of that annoying face.

“How to get close? It’s simple.”

What Kang Jihan was asking was what kind of person Nam Seonwoo liked. Having only liked one person so far, he hadn’t really thought about it, but for some reason, the words flowed easily.

“Don’t be annoying like you are now. I prefer smart people who don’t ask unnecessary questions and understand things quickly. I get angry when I see stupid things.”

It was easy to say the opposite of Kang Jihan.

“I also like people with aegyo. I like cute things. …Why are you making that face? Look at Park Gyuhyeon. He cries and begs me to study with him. Unlike you.”

“That’s cute…”

“Ah, I also don’t like it when people interrupt.”

With a face that seemed to have a lot to say, Kang Jihan obediently closed his mouth.

“Anyway, I’m saying I like it when people express themselves a lot like that. It’s a hundred times better than trying to act cool for no reason. Also, they should have good relationships with many friends. For that, they need to be basically gentle and kind, right?”

“…”

“Oh, I forgot to mention something important. I like older people. I’m more comfortable with hyungs. Immature kids who can’t control their feelings and act rashly, ugh, I really don’t like that.”

By the time he finished speaking, Kang Jihan’s expression was quite a sight to behold. Aegyo, kindness, older age – he seemed to know well that all of these were the complete opposite of himself. With an inexplicable sense of victory, Nam Seonwoo snorted.

When no more words followed, Kang Jihan quietly spoke up.

“You prefer older men?”

“Yeah, absolutely.”

“So men are okay too, then.”

By the time he realized he had been caught up in the pace, it was too late. Nam Seonwoo’s face turned red as he raised his voice.

“When did I say men were okay? I said I’m more comfortable with hyungs! …Hey, what’s with that smile? I told you, I like people who understand things quickly!”

“I understood perfectly.”

I should stop talking. Nam Seonwoo turned around sharply. As he tried to go home, even the trees seemed uncooperative, with his umbrella getting caught on a low-hanging branch. As he was irritably tilting the umbrella, he felt a light tap on his shoulder from behind. Knowing how persistent Kang Jihan had been yesterday, Nam Seonwoo sighed and said,

“Didn’t I say I don’t like it when people are annoying?”

“I didn’t do anything.”

“What?”

When he turned around, Kang Jihan was indeed standing in the same position as before. …But someone definitely tapped his shoulder? His gaze slowly moved to his shoulder. Something was moving there. His hope that it was just raindrops was sadly unfulfilled.

At a distance close enough to almost touch his cheek, two caterpillars were wriggling, tightly intertwined.

“Ugh, eek…!”

With a strange groan, Nam Seonwoo froze as if he had malfunctioned. As he imagined the disgusting fur touching his cheek, goosebumps ran down his back.

“By the way, apart from being older.”

While Nam Seonwoo was standing still, pale with fear, Kang Jihan seemed very relaxed. When Nam Seonwoo shot him a questioning look, Kang Jihan looked down at the caterpillars and asked,

“How about someone who’s good at catching bugs?”

“Sh-shut up and…!”

He wanted to shout at him to stop talking and remove this thing immediately, but he couldn’t because the caterpillars were getting closer to his face. As he was making strange choking sounds, Kang Jihan slowly picked up the clump of caterpillars.

“I’m good at catching bugs.”

As if the wriggling didn’t disgust him at all, he placed them on a tree branch. Nam Seonwoo could only watch. His heart, which had been racing in fear, still hadn’t calmed down. So even when Kang Jihan bent down and arbitrarily closed the distance between them, Nam Seonwoo could only follow him with his eyes.

“I might not know about aegyo… but I won’t ask unnecessary questions. I’ll stay quiet so I won’t bother you.”

“…”

“Study with me.”

Seeing his clear dimples, Nam Seonwoo was reminded of a conversation they had at Kang Jihan’s house some time ago.

‘Want to do it together?’

‘It’s not “want to do it together,” it’s “will you do it with me,” right?’

He wondered if this calm-faced guy in front of him was really the same person as the Kang Jihan who had closed his mouth then. How could someone become so brazen in just a few days? Was Kang Jihan always this direct with people he liked? All sorts of thoughts kept coming to mind.

But what was certain was that he seemed too soft towards Kang Jihan.

He thought he had steeled his heart, but why did he keep allowing Kang Jihan in? Was it because of the bond they had formed over time, for better or worse? Or was it some kind of generosity as a senior in life?

“…If you try anything funny, studying or whatever, there’ll be no mercy.”

He couldn’t understand. In fact, it was closer to not wanting to understand.

As soon as Nam Seonwoo gave his permission, the corners of Kang Jihan’s mouth spread into a wide curve.

“What time should we meet tomorrow?”

It was just asking to go study together at the library, but coming from Kang Jihan’s mouth, it sounded almost like making a date.

‘Crazy.’

Startled by his own frivolous thought, Nam Seonwoo shook his head as if in shock. It was all because of that damned face. Despite being bruised from getting beaten up by him yesterday, he was smiling like that, making Nam Seonwoo feel strange. Nam Seonwoo snapped back,

“I don’t know. I’ll go when I feel like it.”

He quickly moved away from Kang Jihan, afraid of having more unnecessary thoughts, but surprisingly, Kang Jihan was quiet. Unlike yesterday, he didn’t grab him arbitrarily or annoyingly ask, “What time is that?” Nam Seonwoo felt an urge to glance back, but for once, he didn’t give in to the impulse.

But unfulfilled impulses tend to spread elsewhere. Even after getting home, Nam Seonwoo found himself staring at his phone for a while, then threw it away with a self-deprecating curse.