Just A Friend

#28

How should I put it? If the Kang Jihan from the previous life was pitch black, the Kang Jihan from this life felt closer to gray.

Gray. Not completely black, but not colorful either – an achromatic color. Unlike black, however, it’s a color that can mix with others.

The reason for this sudden thought was because the clouds were too white. The gray rain clouds from yesterday had disappeared somewhere, and the sky was filled with bleached white clouds.

Nam Seonwoo turned his head to scan the interior. The public library’s reading room was packed with partitioned desks, making it feel suffocating just to look at. As if to say this wasn’t the time to be watching clouds, everyone had their faces buried in their desks.

The guy sitting across from him was no exception. The hair that was occasionally visible over the partition was now out of sight. When Seonwoo slightly lifted his chin, he saw Kang Jihan nodding off.

‘If he’s going to be like that, why did he even come?’

His backpack was quite bulky. When Seonwoo asked, “Why did you bring so much?” upon seeing the visibly heavy bag, Jihan replied, “I didn’t know what to bring.” Seonwoo didn’t say, “Why didn’t you just ask?”

…Or rather, he couldn’t say it. There was a reason for that.

After parting ways like that yesterday, Jihan truly didn’t “bother” Seonwoo. Until this morning, it was actually Seonwoo who couldn’t let go of his phone, which had no messages or calls. Frustrated with himself, he threw his phone, causing a crack in the innocent screen. Then, around noon, his phone rang.

[Kang Jihan: Not yet?]

Glaring at that annoying message, Seonwoo finally decided to take one step back. Telling himself that if he couldn’t study because he was worried about this guy, it would be his loss.

Jihan was waiting in front of the playground like yesterday. Even though someone had trouble sleeping because of him. Seonwoo barely greeted him as he passed by, not wanting to see his face, but Jihan followed behind without a word.

The library’s reading room they entered was no different from night study sessions. Seonwoo had steeled himself to ignore Jihan if he tried to talk, but Jihan acted so normally that it was hard to believe he was the one who had confessed.

‘…Has he given up?’

Considering what Seonwoo had said yesterday about bugs and whatnot, it didn’t seem like it. By the way, what was he studying? Seonwoo wondered which of the 15 workbooks he had brought he had opened.

Quietly standing up to avoid making chair noises, Seonwoo could see Jihan’s desk. The desk that seemed quite spacious to Seonwoo looked cramped for Jihan. Just as he was about to check the book under Jihan’s arm, something else caught his eye.

It was banana milk. A post-it note was stuck to the bright yellow milk carton that seemed so out of place with Jihan. There had been a few people lurking around earlier, and this seemed to be a trace of that.

‘Still the same.’

As he had noticed yesterday, Jihan looked just like a college student without his school uniform. There was a time when that made him seem mature and cool, but now it gave a slightly different impression. It was as if he had both the freshness of a high school student and the vibrancy of a college student.

Perhaps because of this, Seonwoo was reminded of moments when they studied together on campus. Was it around the time they had just started dating? Back then, they sat across from each other studying for exams like this too. There were no partitions between them, and whenever Seonwoo briefly left his seat, there was always a note and a snack on Jihan’s place.

Despite being at an age when one would typically be very interested in romance, Jihan had never cheated. Seonwoo had to admit it. That he was quite a decent guy as a person. Above all, when they had just started dating, there were fleeting moments when he felt truly “loved.”

“…”

Right. It was too long ago, and it was such a brief moment that he had almost forgotten, but it certainly happened. Come to think of it, even in the early stages of their relationship, they were quite close. When did the distance start to grow?

As Seonwoo’s gaze lingered on Jihan, he could feel others glancing at him. Standing idly by his seat must have looked strange. Belatedly embarrassed, Seonwoo sat down, but in his haste, his feet got tangled with Jihan’s.

Unlike Seonwoo who flinched, the legs that came from across didn’t budge at all. Seeing the sneakers firmly planted on either side like an open mouth, Seonwoo suddenly felt indignant.

‘His legs are so damn long, really.’

He felt ridiculous thinking about how he had been sitting with his legs tightly together for hours to avoid touching Jihan. It’s not like something terrible would happen if they touched, but it seemed he was being too conscious of Jihan.

As he tried to quickly pull his foot out from between the spider-web-like legs, he felt something catch underneath and his foot suddenly felt empty.

“…?”

Before he could even think about why his slipper had come off, he heard a suppressed laugh from across. The hair visible over the partition swayed slightly. When he looked down under the desk, he saw Jihan wedging Seonwoo’s slipper between his two feet.

What is he doing now…?

When Seonwoo stretched out his foot to try and retrieve his slipper, Jihan pulled back just enough. It was ridiculous. When Seonwoo kicked his shin, the laughter grew louder. Even when he pushed the foot that still showed no sign of returning the slipper and stomped on it with his heel, he ended up losing his other slipper as well.

As Seonwoo fumed alone, he once again felt eyes on him. Indignant, he stretched out to glare at Jihan, but the guy was just looking at his book with the corners of his mouth turned up, appearing completely nonchalant. Even throwing an eraser didn’t change anything. In fact, Jihan caught it as if grateful and started erasing, which made Seonwoo’s blood boil.

Knock knock-

At the sound of knocking, he turned to the side and saw a post-it note flying towards him. The sensitive expression of the young man who handed it over was enough to guess its contents. Embarrassed, Seonwoo bowed his head slightly and gritted his teeth as he picked up his pen.

He had just written “Do you want to die, what are you trying to do right now” when another note came from under the partition in front of him. It was a small piece of paper, seemingly torn from the corner of a workbook.

“Your feet are really small.”

Seonwoo’s foot size was 275mm. He had never been told or thought that his feet were small in his life. As he was flipping the note over to draw a middle finger, another note peeked out from the front.

“Food?”

And at the same time, his slippers were returned.

“…”

Seonwoo crumpled the note in his hand unnecessarily before standing up. Footsteps soon followed behind him as he headed out of the reading room.

There was an A4 paper posted on the dark cafeteria. It said it was closed for renovations. Unlike the surprised Seonwoo, Jihan showed no particular reaction.

The library was located in a secluded park in the city, so even outside the building, there weren’t any noticeable restaurants around. After a moment of contemplation, Seonwoo said,

“Let’s just go home.”

“Why?”

“We need to eat. I’m hungry.”

He was genuinely hungry, but the situation was actually favorable for Seonwoo. The cafeteria renovations seemed likely to continue for a few days, so he wouldn’t have to go through the trouble of coming to the library with Jihan during that time. Perhaps understanding this hidden intention, Jihan’s expression became a bit sulky. But soon he lowered his gaze and started fumbling with a black envelope wrapped around his wrist. It had been dangling there since they left the reading room.

“What’s that?”

Surely a vocabulary book or something wouldn’t come out of there, Seonwoo thought idly. But what came out of the envelope was even more unexpected than a vocabulary book.

Wrapped in plastic wrap were round rice balls. As soon as he saw the smooth grains of rice coated with sesame oil, Seonwoo brightened up and took a rice ball.

“Wow. Did your mother make these?”

Unlike the neat side dishes Jihan’s mother had provided before, these were a bit rougher in appearance, but that didn’t matter. They were called rice balls, but they were almost as big as Jihan’s fist. It seemed like it was because Seonwoo had shown how well he ate last time.

The hungry Seonwoo unwrapped it and took a bite right away. But the taste was a bit strange. It was hard for a rice ball, which was just compressed rice, to taste strange, but it was a little… no, very strange. It felt like he was eating a lump of salt rather than rice grains.

As Seonwoo chewed with a slightly dazed expression, a belated confession came from beside him.

“…I made them.”

At those words, Seonwoo stopped chewing, and Jihan’s voice became dejected.

“Is it really weird?”

After alternately looking at the rice ball and Jihan for a while, Seonwoo carefully spoke.

“Do you usually carry packed lunches…?”

“It’s my first time making one.”

The reply came without any hesitation, so confidently that it almost felt like he was asking for consideration. At a loss for words, Seonwoo stared intently at the rice ball.

So, Jihan packed a lunch to eat with me?

Salt granules were visible between the rice grains and tuna. That clumsiness was reminiscent of the useless things that young couples often do in the early stages of dating. Like bringing packed lunches on dates, or buying flower bouquets for anniversaries – those temporary romantic gestures.

Perhaps seeing Seonwoo’s astonished look, Jihan took a bite of his own rice ball. Judging by his stiffening face right after, it seemed he hadn’t lost his sense of taste. Seonwoo asked directly.

“Why did you make them?”