The lycan queen

Recap;:-

With a smile on my face after reading a few pages, I started to doze off into the wonderland of sleep where I have no power or wolf to save me if needed. But just me and darkness, a very calming darkness that somehow brought peace to me and smiles to my face.

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Finally, the party I know you all have been waiting for. 

(Before loss of memory)

Jordan pov:-

Here are some things about being an abuser. It speaks a completely different language than you... 

When my target is looking for calm, understanding, compromise, and resolution to conflict. However, you feel high and feel most powerful in chaos, conflict, & breaking you down. 

This is why your tears, expressions of how my abuse makes you feel, do not get your desired result. I feel even more fueled and powerful as your tears and begging prove(in my belief structure) that I am the stronger one...that you are weaker and that I have won.

This is my goal...dead opposite of yours. Abuse is about power over another person and control. I have controlled your emotions and have the power over you. Abuse is NOT about inability to control anger, which is why anger management classes do not work for us.

I do not scream, curse, or become physically violent with other men I respect in the world, when things do not go my way. 

I am actually very controlled with other men or women who have authority over me... I wouldn't punch or curse out his employer, etc. Again, my goal is to break you. 

I feel powerful in doing such. Keeping you guessing...off-kilter, is what i intend to do. I am, unfortunately, wired differently. I enjoy the thrill it brings forth.

The fact is, only 2% of abusers change with therapy. This is why many therapists will not counsel couples upon discovering abuse is involved. 

Amongst many therapy circles, the therapists who will take these couples, discreetly focus on the woman in attempts to change her world view, build her confidence, & self-esteem, in hopes she will decide to leave. Trauma bonds are very strong and no woman staying with her abuser is confused about knowing their scenario is unhealthy. 

What is also a conundrum is that you don't go on your first date and get called a B#### or get physically harmed. If he had done so on the first date, you would've been gone. It was a gradual process of slights and disrespect coupled with pleasant times, making the red flags look like little pink ones. 

People are generally not all good, nor all bad. Even serial killers had friends who were shocked to learn they were not the fun, humble, gent they thought they knew. Now, back to things...many women stay. Unfortunately, they keep hoping that showing undying love and understanding will get their abuser to finally see that they are not this terrible person...not the enemy. I for one, I've experienced it first hand with my parents. I'm glad she ended it with her life.

Yet, it will ALWAYS be a fruitless effort that will lead to no more than years of escalating verbal, emotional, and/or physical abuse until the abuser dies or discards her to which she will have become a shell of the person she once was. Why? It is because his language will not ever match yours. If someone told you that a man yelled at kids and beat them. You wouldn't, hopefully, keep taking your kid around to try again and hope the man won't do it anymore...you wouldn't keep taking your kid around the man, hopefully, as you research what this man's childhood was like, to try to understand to your child's detriment why the man is like that. 

You would be done with the man and deem him unwell. The saying "life is short" simply means those years can be wonderful or wasted as, after those years pass, one looks back and wishes they had the time to go back to live life differently by making different choices. Please try to make the most of yours. A good therapist that you connect well with can help you keep one foot in the world of sanity until you can process your trauma bond is just that, and you can have a fulfilled life without someone who is detrimental to your well-being. 

It helps to talk to someone who understands. Your friends and family are not equipped to understand your burden. Sending you hugs. That's what they all said to my mum, but in the very end she chose death over us. Staying with us was just too much for her.

I already know I am a bad person, but you don't see me care. 

I imagined the face moving up and down along my waistline to be my mate Crya, and before you know, I was c**ing down her throat.

That's how it has always been for four months that I rejected my mate and picked my given mate, how my wolf max yelled at me that I'll regret it. I remember that day as clear as day, the look in her eyes when I didn't acknowledge her, her attempted suicide "probably to get my attention." I chuckled at the thought.

She is not even worthy of being my mate, she is not strong, neither is she fit to rule as Luna over my pack. It is one of the most strongest packs, other than the Lycan King's pack, in the whole of America.

But all that changed when I witnessed her shift and she transformed into this huge white wolf. Only my father and I knew about that day, the day I discovered that I had made a huge mistake. It was also the day I lost any sense of reasoning, wanting to mark her because she kissed me.

The spark I felt was enough to jolt me back to health if I was in a coma. Thank God she stopped on time because I'll have to explain why I marked her to my chosen mate.

Ever since then, I have made it my duty to always check in on her, making sure she didn't leave me even when she went to the Celestial Pack, and refused to come back due to grief. I was there waiting for an opportunity to be her knight in shining armor. That way she can forgive me easily.

I was so wrong, I never knew the hatred she has for me was on the high side, because she literally attacked me at full swing. I thought mates are supposed to calm their mates, at least that's what we were told in class.

In order to get back at her, I begin to have s** back to back with Tiffany, insuring she feels every bit of pain I can send her way. Psycho, right? I don't really care, so long as I make her feel pain and comes running back to me.

I didn't expect her to be strong, strong enough to withstand the pain, strong enough to not give a sh** about me. It hurts, I tell you.... It really hurts.

(After memory loss)

I don't know what this Sarah is saying about Crya being my mate. I only have one mate and that's Tiffany. The fact that she's trying to convince me to stop the said Crya from escaping from this pack is astonishing. Why do I even care about her? She's the maid of the pack, a laughingstock that I made.

Talking about maids for the past 2–3 months, she hasn't been in the kitchen to cook for us. And when I bring up the matter to anyone, they just look at me as if I am crazy. It's really annoying.

I also heard from my mate that she has been living like a queen, has her own room, she gets paid for every little task she is supposed to do at home, disobeys any order including Alphas order. Who the hell did she think she was?

Although the food still tastes the same, I heard it's been prepared by Henry, the new pack cook and the head chef of Mikret Dining. Who my father arranged through a contract to be our cook for 6 months, till he produces another cook just like Crya.

I mean I love Tiffany, or I think I do, because she was there for me when the first girl I ever dated or loved broke my heart.

One day, I was about to collapse in class because of dizzyness. This depression was too much to handle. Tiffany tried to talk to me to find out about my wellness after this incident. She already knew about the intense depression I had.

The only way I could relieve myself of the ache I feel in my chest is to pounce on Crya. Day in day out, anytime I saw her, for no reason or whatsoever, just beating left and right, and truth be told, I loved it.

And after trying to help me, she went back to her habit of ignorance. She was not used to replying properly. I was tired and sleepless every day. I burst out into tears regularly during the night. I was finally done after 2 weeks. 

Then, after one month of me moving on and dating the love of my life, I got a message from my now ex- saying she is sorry for whatever happened, and she wants me to forgive her(WTH?). After nearly destroying me, she just wants me to forgive her. I asked her if she could come back, and she said she would try. 

Seven days of planning my revenge on her. And when she came back, I made an arrangement with the other male pack members. They defiled her and I watched them the whole time. Feeling a burst of excitement about the whole ordeal. Of course, no one knows, not even Tiffany.

How did I move on

I expressed my feelings to people I lean on, and I realized everyone has their own problems. Breaking up of friendship doesn't have to be your fault. I wrote down all the beautiful moments that we spent together in a diary, and it felt great. But remembering her again made me feel disgusted. I couldn't move on. I tried to do new things. I discovered myself. I was into poetry. I wrote poems, and it got published in some pages. Everyone was surprised by my talent. I got tokens of appreciation from my friends, which doesn't matters the most to me.

I tried to make new friends and I have got a handful of them whom I can't trust. But there is always a doubt if they will leave me, so I prepared myself for any situation. I can clearly distinguish now who my real friends are.

I did things at which I am good and also proved my worth. I am an ethical hacker and have good coding skills. I concentrated my mind on these things. It helped me a lot. I also focused on my looks.

Present day

I don't know why, but I feel very angry when Crya's name is mentioned, and it's very frustrating. So I decided to do the one thing I know how to do best.

I grabbed the door to her room, only to find it locked. I kicked it down to reveal a very disturbing look of her in a towel, maybe trying to get to the bathroom or out of it. 

I gazed for a while. She was not half bad looking from this view, very beautiful view. She slapped me into awareness and shouted at me. Me, Alpha Jordan, is being disrespected by a pack members.

My wolf says not to hurt her. I don't know why, but I am not in the mood to listen to him. I forced a shift on him and pounced on her.

Taking delight in one of the things I enjoy the most, only this time something made it not as satisfying as I wanted, and I have a feeling I'd regret not listening to that feeling.